I can't use her for childcare can I?

[Looklikepob]

I had a big falling out with my mum who often takes care of my baby. She has a whole range of superstitions and strange habits that are increasing in number and absurdity.

The other day, she told me not to take my baby out after 4pm because it gets dark. She got quite upset, nearly tearful when I pointed out this was absurd and not happening.

She frequently gets angry at me for breaking one of her 'rules'- these have included never buying frozen food without traveling by car in case it defrosts on the way (10 minute walk), not eating meat with dairy products, never going into lifts alone, never doing certain things on certain days e.g. getting a haircut on a Wednesday. Every month something new has been added.

She's generally angry and tells me off in front of my child saying quite harsh things, like we (siblings and I) have never done anything for her. Interactions with her are stressful as she is becoming more emotional and unreasonable.

I'm a single parent and need the extra childcare but this is not good for my child is it? I am worried that she will a) get sucked into conspiracy theories, b) has an early form of dementia.

Just to add, I will certainly have to change jobs without her childcare and take on a much lower salary. I can't really afford to do this.

AIBU to not put my child in her care anymore and tell her why?

Has your Mum always been like this or is this a new development? If she's always had these traits, have they got worse? It does sound like OCD, but I'm no expert, which is anxiety based. If you don't finish work until 5 pm, then you're picking your child up from her in the dark - is she stressing over this, to you on a daily basis? If your Mum is obsessing over these rules, to the point she becomes angry and/or upset, when you don't comply or disagree, then that's not normal on any level. These are beyond a difference of opinion. Your Mum needs to see a medical professional. As for her looking after your child, no, I wouldn't allow her to do this any longer. You need to find a different nursery that opens earlier and closes later. The current one you're using isn't going to work any longer, you need reliable childcare, that fits in with your working pattern.

I would bet money on OCD/intrusive thought and anxiety. Counselling (perhaps CBT) can help.

I really appreciate the replies here. I didn't think of OCD but will look into this.

The problem underlying all this is her extreme reactions to us not following her rules or even disagreeing with her. She has always been highly emotional and struggled with her mental health especially in the last 15 years but over the last few years it has just escalated into real irrational anger and panic.

She absolutely refuses to see someone about it - believe me, I've offered to take her. She said some horrible things when I suggested she needed a check up. She can't hold back any more, even in front of my child so maybe it is bigger than just her having rules. I feel terrible because she does love my child and they love her. I feel she will become even more isolated without regularly caring for them - it gives her a purpose. It just feels like I'm subjecting my kid to someone with escalating MH issues without me supervising.

Unfortunately, I live in an area where the nursery waiting lists are bonkers. We didn’t get in to the one that had longer hours. I could source different childcare as nentioned. Your comments have helped me to see this is not a sustainable situation.

Just to add, I pick up my child from her after 4pm, so I can't ignore her behaviour. She is upset that I can't do pick them up any earlier because in her mind, it will get dark and risky for my child (she won't define what risk - even when I point out that our area is very busy at 4pm and no different to any other time of day). She just can't accept the fact I won't follow this rule and got angry/ upset. If it wasn't this rule, she would be upset about another one we aren't following.

It sounds like both you and her are carrying a heavy load. I wondered if you are a bit "boiled frog" in this - the pressure and worry has ramped up slowly over time. I think it will be a huge relief and release to you when you manage to sort some different childcare. You shouldn't have to manage your mum's fears of your child going out in the dark on a day to day basis, and it's not good for your child to be hearing it.

Agree but I wouldn’t tell her why, make up an excuse to spare her feelings like you want baby to be with other babies or something.
Do you get support off the father?Might need to get help off him as it’s not fair to do it all alone

Unwell. Possibly a form of dementia setting in, there are many types. Not appropriate for childcare. Take the temporary financial hit and try and coax your mum to see GP.

You must have played a part in your falling out because it usually takes two.

Not when one of them is batshit crazy.

Honestly, you need to either find another nursery with sensible hours or use a childminder.

the fact that your mum doesn’t understand that you can’t just walk out of work half way through the afternoon to pick your child up and be home before it starts to get dark (which is about 4 pm at the moment!) shows she is thinking completely irrationally and then responds by getting upset/ annoyed that you don’t go along with her crazy thinking.

whatever the reason behind it - poor mental health, onset of dementia - the fact is she has irrational thinking and no way would I entrust my precious child to someone like that