Trigger warning - Can I please hear from people who witnessed DV as a child at home (if you’re comfortable to share)

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’m relatively fresh out of a domestic abuse relationship. I wondered if I could hear off people who experienced Dv as a child and how it affected them to keep in my mind for my weak days of flaking nd messaging me POS abuser. I won’t be doing this but I won’t doubt I struggle with days like today where my mind plays tricks “what if the kids just don’t see it” “they never really seen anything” etc etc.them seeing one thing is too much please don’t think and judge me for having these thoughts as I feel I am withdrawing coming off drugs. Even though I do not love him or even like him I feel some form of addiction. If you feel comfortable enough I wondered please can you share your stories I hope this isn’t taken in the wrong way. To anyone who has experienced DV as a child I am so sorry❤️

I did. They would scream and physically fight each other. I would wash the blood off the walls.

I had to try to keep the other children out of it but it I made it seem like that's what I was doing they could turn on me for "over reacting."

One of my sisters married a man exactly like our father. My brother is exactly like our father. I ended up with a much older man who trafficked me. We're all fucked up and we get told we were over reacting and we actually had a really good childhood, by both of them.

No physical violence as such but lots of emotional and mental abuse. Shouting, screaming at us with his face right in my face, him sulking for days on end...

I cant really bring myself to type out what he did and the lasting effects it's had on me. They're still married and come across a doting couple still but I hate him with a passion and I also dislike my DM for being so pathetically weak for putting up with it and making us live it with her.

For those of you who had therapy...did it help you recover?

Have you ever seen the film Split? My older teen daughter watched it and she said something that chilled me. The captive girl is sitting on the bed at one point and the guy is coming in and out the room, each time exerting a different scary personality. My dd said that is literally me as a child, wondering what version of my dad was going to burst through the door. Broke my heart that she felt like that in a home I delusionally thought I protected her in 😢

Children of homes containing domestic abuse are no longer considered to be witnesses, they’re considered to be victims of emotional abuse.

This website has some good advice OP

https://www.kaleidoscopic.uk

I hope you all have a happy and safe Christmas and 2026.

Saw it, heard it, witnessed it, received it. Not going to go into specifics because I dont think that'll be helpful to you but this was from a very early age until my early 20's when he was convicted. It was my mum's ex-husband (not my parent). In this case it was very much multi generational I.e. the individual in question had almost certainly been on the receiving end himself and had been in and out of borstal himself as a young adult. Ditto prison a few times for violent crimes.

Some of the stuff I knew wasnt OK and at the time I was very much told to keep quiet about it or fear repercussions. Some of the stuff I have only come to realise wasnt OK with the benefit of hindsight of an adult. Google ACEs. I can say yes to every single one.

Has it and does it continue to affect me as an adult. Yes. I'm an adult in my 40's and I still get night terrors about it. DH obviously knows why I am waking up screaming. The kids dont and will never know and I make a joke of telling them I had a nightmare. DH and indeed any man doing something very specific and unintentional (and its by far a violent act either) is also a huge trigger for me and usually results in a huge anxiety attack.

You leaving is the very best thing you could have ever done for your kids. Stay strong, OP.

Recover in as much as I can talk about it now, yes. Only if I feel safe to do so though.
However I will never truly recover. The night terrors, anxiety attacks and the rest of it are an inherent part of me and who I am.

My experiences left me with zero tolerance to abusive men (whatever the 'reason' for their abuse - trauma, addiction, ND, personality or a bit of all of the above).

I also have little empathy for women who priotize the abusive relationship over her own children.

It’s not just the direct impact on the children at the time, the abuse can affect families for generations. Not just children who go on the abuse/ experience abuse, because actually many of them don’t. My father grew up in a house where his father was violent to his mother (I won’t call it an abusive household, it was my grandfather who was abusive, not the house). He was determined to not replicate his father’s behaviour, and he succeeded, but he did so by completely shutting down all emotions. Although of course much better than being abusive he really struggled with relationships and we had a childhood where it was unacceptable to show any emotion. I’ve really had to work on how I parent so that my kids are able to feel emotion

Good luck with everything, you have done the best thing for you and your kids. It’s not easy!

I heard it for months and months, would hide under the bed to avoid. The one time I saw it my boldest memory is trying to hit my Dad on the back of the head to stop him hurting my mum. I rang grandad screaming down the phone who came to save the day and mum was strong enough to leave .

during any kind of confrontation now my heart still races and I’m in that fight or flight
mode. I now have a good husband, wouldn’t hurt a fly and my children will never know that feeling of panic ❤️ stay strong; you will get through this x

My dad is dead aswell and I agree even though he can't physically hurt anyone more. The flashbacks haunt me. I was diagnosed with cptsd a few years ago.

You know that expression "a mother is only as happy as her saddest child"? Well it works the other way around too. Small children don't have to see DV to know. They know. The atmosphere, the looks. The silence. The nervousness and fear. And it stays with them forever.

We have all had therapy - me and the kids that is, not exH who really needs it! - and it has helped. Really helped DS, the eldest. He was highly anxious and it has given us some tools to process that. One was directly addressing what he had experienced in order to let him talk about it (e.g. Dad did XYZ, how did that make you feel/that was scary) and one was acknowledging his anxieties (e.g. a big fear of his was that if something happened that he would have to do and live with Dad - instead of being dismissive “I’ll be fine!” the therapist advised me to talk to him about plans I had for if something happened to me, i.e. my best friend being his guardian etc. It helped a lot.

I logged the abuse with the therapist (helpfully exH admitted it to her), with the police and with my GP - in case I ever needed to refer to independent corroborators if exH contested custody. He never has.

Therapy was Less helpful for DD who was younger when we split and doesn’t remember it so clearly but her body remembers- whenever there is shouting she has a visceral reaction.

I’ve had flashbacks a couple of times - once DD dropped a glass on the floor and it smashed - I was frozen in fight or flight as previously when plates or glasses were smashed it was bc exH was throwing them.

Once there was an ad on TV for a DV refuge - years after we’d split - and it showed a woman and kids running out of the house with a man screaming at them. DS just looked at me and we both knew that was us. To look at us and at the family we were prior to the split you would never, ever know. Affluent, middle class, both exH and I are lawyers. The irony.

I had many abusive relationships myself as a young woman and have had 7 years of intense private (expensive) therapy before being able to have a healthy marriage myself. I have a very odd relationship with both parents as a result of my childhood. This negatively impacts My kids.

Well done for leaving, don't go back

How awful for you. I'm so sorry. 😔
My DF was abusive, but not so much physically...just the treading on egg-shells for my whole childhood, knowing he would blow up over the slightest excuse and then feeling awful that I'd done something that started the latest sulk. That might just have been taking too long in the bathroom/playing a record that he didn't like/speaking at the dinner table when he insisted on silence during every meal...

DM would ignore him most of the time when he was shouting and bawling his head off and when he had a sulk/tantrum as she wanted a 'quiet life' and 'what would everyone think if we split?!?! - oh the shame of it!!!' I hate her most for that attitude.

It affects me in every day life. I'm a people pleaser; I'm last on the list etc. I'm lucky that my DH is very supportive and patient and tries to understand how doing certain things are difficult due to my anxieties. It's a horrible way to live.

These stories are harrowing to read and must have been so hard to write. OP, please don't let your kids be witness or be victims to more DV now that you've had your eyes opened. Good luck.

I did not see it but have just come out of a relationship with someone who did quite severely. He thought abuse was normal both emotionally and physically and did not know how to treat women. The abuse is still ongoing via messages and social media and was very hard for me to pull away. So basically what I'm saying is that people who witness abuse are more likely to be abusers themselves. Do you want that for your kids?

I hate that so many of us have been through this. I very rarely think about my childhood - the physical, emotional and psychological violence I saw and suffered have tainted all those years irreparably. In my case, the violence was carried out in front of and also against me as well as my mum and sibling. But please don't kid yourself that if your children didn't see it for themselves, they will be okay. They won't. Thank God I married a man who is the complete opposite of the monster who is my father. Our home is so peaceful, gentle and happy. I realised one day that my children had never flinched around us - they had never had cause to. It was one of the purest moments of my life: knowing that my children will never be put through what I was put through, and won't have to carry that miserable weight.

I got out of a very violent and abusive relationship when my children were 6, 3 and 1. He was sentenced to 14 years in prison so that will give you an idea of how bad things were.

I would say my 1yo was the only one who wasn't damaged by it, the other two are adults now and I think they definitely carry scars even though they weren't the ones being physically hurt 😔

I witnessed a considerable amount of DV growing up and I don’t think I’ll ever really get over it.
My Father was an alcoholic and my Mum did nothing to change circumstances and very often fuelled the arguments by constant accusation s about affairs and constant conspiracy theories.
I can’t remember a holiday without violence. Christmas was always awful.
Fortunately I’ve been very lucky with my marriage and have had a peaceful ish life since however my family are very toxic and I think it’s down to our childhood experiences. I am glad my own children haven’t experienced what I did.
I feel it has shaped some of my adult relationships as I am quite reactive and there are a lot of triggers for me.
As I read earlier my Morher also plays down the effect on me and my siblings as if we had an idyllic childhood.

I feel utter fury at your comment “I feel,some addiction”

seriously?

this violent person has caused harm to you and presumably your children by exposure to the violence?

GET AWAY FROM THIS VIOLENT PERSON FOREVER

Backstory -

My mother was beaten by my biological father when I was tiny - I hid behind the sofa. She fled with me. He pursued her and abducted me. I was found and returned. This all occurred before I was three years old.

I’m 57 now and still affected by it.

so, do you understand why I’m disgusted by your “I feel some addiction” comment? Grow up. How self indulgent are you?. Put your children FIRST. Nothing else matters, for crying out loud.

Look up trauma bond and educate yourself on it. It is an addiction. Don’t you dare shame me for feeling how I do. I think the one who needs to grow up here is you. I have left this “man” and I am putting my children first. I’m sorry you’re affected by what happened to you no child should have to go through that. Maybe my comment touched. Nerve of yours and rightly so if you suffered but do not come on here trying to put me down for expressing feelings. Educate yourself.

I'm 57 and just been diagnosed with CPTSD due to the violence I witnessed as a child and a teen. 57 and the trauma is still with me, never left, despite an absolute fuckton of therapy.

None of it was ever aimed at me, only at my mother but its still caused huge issues and trauma.

Don't go back, he doesn't love you. How could you ever hurt anyone you really loved.

I saw and heard it. My mother didn't leave, just spiralled into full blown alcoholism. She's been dead for nearly twenty years but I'm still angry at her. One of my most vivid memories is trying to help her sort out a broken nose - there was blood everywhere - and then the next morning she was down on her hands and knees trying to get the blood stains out of the carpet. I was 8 or 9.

One thing that strikes me is how many people say they are mad at their mother for staying. Yes of course the man too but that’s eye opening and I’m sure it will be for a lot of people. Honestly I can see exactly your point on this. Again I so sorry you all had to witness and experience this.

My little brother and I saw and heard far more than any child should. He is NC with our dad, I’m not but I haven’t stayed in touch for me or him, I did it for my half siblings.

DB has spent the last 20 years in a toxic relationship, both him and DSIL are volatile. They both accept that it’s just the way it is. I swore as a 5 year old I’d never let myself get hurt and it’s definitely affected my adulthood. I have very little tolerance for bad behaviour, I bear grudges - there are no second chances in my world. I don’t think I have ever let myself be truly vulnerable with a partner, I’ve always held back. I need to feel like I could always walk away if I had to.

There is no way of telling how it could affect your DC but I guarantee it would have a lasting negative impact

My childhood was spent in bed listening to my parents scream at each other and throw things. Occasional D. They were so dysfunctional, my Mother was a SAHM even when her DC were school age and beyond. My father was a tradesman and would do his day job then come in have dinner and go back out to “work” he also worked most weekends. It was a plot to get out the house as we never saw any of this extra job money. We were very poor (often money arguments).

how it’s affected me - a number of things.

1. I’m a people pleaser with no self-esteem
2. it may have contributed to my anxiety and depression I’ve had all my life
3. I’m NC with my mother and little contact with my father.
4. they split up when I was 17 and my mother had “suicide” attempts to black mail my father into coming back, he did briefly. I’m not flippant about suicide at all but at 17 when you’re mother tells you she’s taken a bottle of painkillers and don’t try to wake her in the morning then denies it all. You also find there was a lot less painkillers than she said.
5. Always cuddle my DC tell that I love them & im proud of them everyday
6. My cupboards and fridge are jam packed as I experienced food poverty