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Trigger warning - Can I please hear from people who witnessed DV as a child at home (if you’re comfortable to share)

103 replies

NeedingASafeSpace · 24/11/2025 21:27

I’m relatively fresh out of a domestic abuse relationship. I wondered if I could hear off people who experienced Dv as a child and how it affected them to keep in my mind for my weak days of flaking nd messaging me POS abuser. I won’t be doing this but I won’t doubt I struggle with days like today where my mind plays tricks “what if the kids just don’t see it” “they never really seen anything” etc etc.them seeing one thing is too much please don’t think and judge me for having these thoughts as I feel I am withdrawing coming off drugs. Even though I do not love him or even like him I feel some form of addiction. If you feel comfortable enough I wondered please can you share your stories I hope this isn’t taken in the wrong way. To anyone who has experienced DV as a child I am so sorry❤️

OP posts:
suki1964 · 24/11/2025 22:52

Im in my 60s now and the domestic abuse I and my sisters endured has killed any relationship we should all have

If you have children, you need to get out ASAP, no matter how. Children had no say and its their lives that are totally fucked

Maybe things are a bit different now, now that DA isnt ignored , but in my day, DA wasnt actually a crime and children were coerced into keeping it quiet - not spoken about. Neighbours would hear and not say a word

SleeplessInWherever · 24/11/2025 23:00

My father was (probably still is!) a violent man, to both my mum and us children. My brother got lucky being born very shortly before their split.

I remember the flying items of furniture, mums broken arm in front of us, the 3am dashes to my grandmas, and the social services referral when it became us. Mum thought she was doing the right thing staying together for the kids, and I trust that as much as she was wrong - she was doing what she thought best.

I ended up in my own DV relationship between 18-21 years old. The combination of that, and my father, has affected me but probably not in the way I would expect.

I am very very difficult to frighten. I will put myself in front of 6 foot men on nights out, and tell them to fuck off. I will wade into fights between others and put myself in harms way. The last time a man (other than the 2 I’ve mentioned!) raised his hand to me, I dared him to get on with it.

My view is that very few men follow through with it, and the ones that do won’t be doing anything I’ve never experienced before.

So if anything? I’m perhaps not risk adverse enough, and have a quite cavalier attitude to any conflict that really I should probably be intimidated by.

I’m a 5ft2 woman who is not frightened of 6ft men, because I’ve already seen their worst.

Arratot · 24/11/2025 23:09

cramptramp · 24/11/2025 21:41

I saw it and heard it for years. I used to try to sleep with my fingers in my ears so I could block it out but never could. I couldn’t tell anyone and still haven’t. It was a horrible horrible way to grow up.

Same 😥

Holding my Walkman headphones as hard as I possibly could against my head to drown out the shouting and banging, knowing full well that was my mum getting another battering off my stepdad.

Seeing your mum with broken bones, another black eye and covered in blood is something no child should have to deal with. He hurt me a couple of times too and my mum got a extra kicking for stopping him.

I lived in absolute terror from the age of 7 until I moved out at 17.

It left me feeling incredibly anxious, that knot in your chest and stomach becomes something easily triggered. I have massive trust issues and my self esteem was and still is in the toilet.

I wish to god my mum had left him before she did. It was an appalling way to grow up. I so wish I could go back and give child me a big cuddle 😥

roadrunnerbeepbeep · 24/11/2025 23:12

I only saw parts. I don't remember the time Mum ended up in hospital (according to my siblings) but have vivid memories of violent rows. Both parents could be argumentative and vicious spats were weekly, sometimes daily occurrences. My father was physically abusive but both would throw things regularly.
Probably at least partly responsible for my depression from childhood until 30, lack of boundaries in relationships and too much tolerance for all kinds of crap from partners. As one of my oldest friends said my expectation of normal is very low.
More positively, I have an incredible ability to read mood changes, am amazing in a crisis, and have made sure I am always financially independent and could walk away from a relationship. And I have zero tolerance for physical abuse from any man.

Marvelettesyouremyremedy · 24/11/2025 23:21

Three pages of heartbreaking experiences and one thing for the most part we have in common is growing up with DV as a backdrop certainly leaves its mark for many years after.
Time for me to bow out of this one.
Hopefully we can all find peace .

Morningsleepin · 24/11/2025 23:22

Not me but my baby dgd was held by her father while he screamed in rage at my dd. She was only 2 months old but for two weeks after that she sounded angry when she cried. Fortunately he left and she has never suffered something like that again and she is a very easy-going twelve-year-old

Friendlygingercat · 24/11/2025 23:23

My mother became pregnant by my father during WWII and they quickly got married by special lisence. I believe my father always resented me for ending his carefree batchelor days. He was called up to the navy soon after and I was born while he was away. By contrast my sister who came 7 years later was planned and very much wanted. She grew up to be the golden child and I very much the black sheep. My sister was exceptionally pretty. I was plain and gawky. My father beat me with his belt, his fists and anything that came to hand for most of my childhood. It only stopped when I was 17 and threatened him with the police. My sister was never touched.

The treatment I had directly influenced my own decision not to have children. Its a decision I have never regretted. I inherired my fathers violent temper and would probably have beaten my own children, I did have a brief marriage which ended in an amicable divorce. I discovered that I never wanted to live intimately with anyone and have remained single ever since. Growing up in a stifling working class family made me crave for privacy. I realised eventually that I was complete in myself, I do not need to be part of a couple or a family unit to be fulfilled.

If I could go back and have any wish it would be to be born a man. Women have the filthy end of the stick in every was imaginable.

JLou08 · 24/11/2025 23:24

I didn't see violence but I heard it, my parents didn't know that until I was an adult. I also picked up in the tension and the control, although I wouldn't have been able to name it at the time.
I had very poor mental health in my teens and early 20s, including a suicide attempt. I still have anxiety and periods of low mood now. I've had flashbacks of the violence I heard, recently triggered for the first time in years by a video on a training course.
I self medicated with drugs and alcohol. My first relationship was abusive.
I do not have a normal relationship with my parents. I have no trust in them, I've never been to them for help. I love them and I appreciate what they did for me, they weren't awful. I honestly believe they did the best they knew how. They both experienced abuse as children and I have empathy for them but I do not feel safe with them, not in the physical sense but emotionally, I can't be vulnerable with them. I don't cry infront of them or share any worries. It's impacted my relationship with others, I don't fully trust anyone and have felt completely alone in the world.

gemdrop84 · 24/11/2025 23:35

I witnessed and heard a lot. Please can I say even if things aren't happening, living with an abuser is like walking on eggshells day to day and it felt I was just waiting for the next event. The stress was still there in the absence of violence and abuse. It was anticipatory, waiting and watching like a hawk. My first memories are all tied up in this environment.

My Mum didn't leave and I ended up as a victim of physical abuse for eventually standing up to him-I was only 6 and simply said stop hurting mummy. I ended up in hospital with a broken arm and still remember my Mum telling the doctor I fell down the stairs.

We had social services involved, but long after this incident and the damage was already done. I remember feeling sad a lot, like I wasn't worth much and made myself so small so not to draw attention to myself.

I'm 41 and still feel so sad about it, wondering what kind of person I would be if I wasn't bought up in such an unsafe environment. I'm a worrier and over thinker. I have low self esteem and self worth. Overly shy and hate confrontation. I never think I'm good enough. I'm always thinking about the worse case scenario as that's what I've come to expect of people. I've had a lot of therapy and counselling but you can't take those years away. I still flinch and freeze if I hear arguing, shouting or any loud noises. I've been in abusive relationships as I felt that's what I deserved.

Thankfully I met a man a long while ago who I feel safe with and is a gorgeous kind soul. He is the best father to my children and a wonderful husband. I find comfort in the safe and comfortable life we provide for our family.

I felt very angry with my Mum when I had my children and had that surge of love and need to protect them; why wasn't I worth protecting? It really impacted on my relationship with her and others so be mindful of your decisions in terms of contact with him. I'm pleased to hear you got out.
Any man worth your time is not one that hurts and abuses you, he protects and nurtures you.

NebulousWhistler · 24/11/2025 23:42

If you want to really go down a rabbit hole of how DV can fuck a child up such that they become and extremely warped and even dangerous adult, google Barbie Khardashian. It’s a very extreme example and he is now a very dangerous individual, but his upbringing was utterly tragic. DV against his mother and himself was horrific.

NameChangeforDVThread · 24/11/2025 23:48

When I was about six, I witnessed my dad trying to smother my mum with a pillow while she was lying on her back on the bed. He had chased her up the stairs, and I don't know if he pushed her on the bed or hit her or anything. I went to see what was happening and I clearly remember her lying on the bed with him holding one of the pillows over her face. When I was about 12, we were on holiday in the South of France and I was having some difficulty with the memory. I was acting off, and Mum asked me what was wrong. I guess I must have made an indication, although I can't remember what I said, because she looked at me and said "You do remember, don't you?'

When I was ten, I witnessed him chase her up the stairs while she was screaming. I don't know what happened when they got up there. I was sitting in the dining room.

There were many other incidents over the years where he absolutely lost it with her, and although those were the only two physical incidents I witnessed, the temper loss would have him totally out of control and look very much as if he was going to turn violent.

Effects? I'm not sure I know all of them. I know I felt very different from my classmates, and isolated. I felt like I was "lower" than them in the pecking order. Only recently have I identified those feeling as what they were, shame.

I think that the atmosphere we grew up in destroyed my relationship with my sister. We turned against each other, not to each other. We didn't repair things until I was in my forties. We're close now, but we missed out on a healthy sibling bond for decades.

I have always suffered from low confidence and I'm sure it was from growing up in such an environment. There were many nights when I would dream that I was screaming, and wake up kind of fighting to scream. I now know that the temporary paralysis while we sleep prevented me from screaming out loud, but if we didn't have that, I'd have woken up screaming quite regularly.

My mum was an absolute sweetheart, and his treatment of her broke my heart. And she continued to love him, too.

While I have thus far avoided male violence in my life, I have nevertheless been very drawn to men who were horrible to me, bad men. Married one, too. He was nice beforehand though, but turned out to be highly emotionally abusive. But there were many red flags, and I guess I ignored them because they seemed familiar. Dad never liked me much either, and would lose his temper with me occasionally too. Sometimes badly. I do remember him hitting us quite badly once over not much, holding us by the arm and kind of swinging us around smacking our backsides, and when he tried to come in the room again, I remember screaming "No more!" Again, I was only about six. Our crime had been to not want to stay at the community centre alone to see a film while Mum went shopping in the same complex. I remember being frightened to be left alone. We were obviously way too young.

Given my bad choices, shame, and low confidence, I would say it has had a really bad effect on my life, and the only positive really is that I have avoided the physical side of domestic violence.

I'm in my fifties now, and my parents are dead. I don't think about that part of the past much anymore, but I'm still prone to a bit of shame. I definitely don't feel as "good" as people who come from "nicer" families. While my dad was a university professor, deep down he really was a common thug. Due to this shame, probably, I make myself very Charlotte-esque, from Sex and the City. Trying to make myself look "better" than I am, I suppose.

I also still struggle with confidence on occasion, although nothing like as bad as I did when younger and they were still alive. I think those feelings are part of me.

Most of all, I mourn that I never had and what I deserved - a nice daddy - and that my background probably contributed to me marrying a wrong' un, which fucked up my life in all sorts of fabulous ways.

I do hope this helps you.

ETA: Eventually, not long after I'd finished uni, he threw me out of the house for spilling coffee on a computer keyboard. I hadn't yet managed to find a job, but I found one quick - a wrong job, and remained stuck in it for nine years as I couldn't go and train for the thing I wanted to do. There was no way I could afford that on top of all my rent and bills. And I had to flat-share with a stranger I found in the newspaper. If he hadn't thrown me out at that point, I'd have been able to do my post-graduate course and had a much better career. I finally managed to do it when I got married, and have now been in the field for quite a few years, but am nowhere near where I would be if I'd been able to do it out of uni.

He never liked me, or my sister, and I have no idea why he had us. Probably just because Mum wanted us.

I still looked after him when he was old and dying, fool that I am. Just goes to show how fucked-up the family bonds forged in violence really are.

Netcurtainnelly · 24/11/2025 23:52

NeedingASafeSpace · 24/11/2025 21:47

That’s dreadful I’m so sorry. If you don’t mind me asking what things did you experience? Did your mother know you seen/heard x

Why are you wanting all the gory details its really not good for your mind,unless your doing some sort of research.

NameChangeforDVThread · 24/11/2025 23:59

Oh - I self-medicated with food. Was very bad for my health.

PrancerandDancer · 25/11/2025 00:01

Onemorestepalongtheroad · 24/11/2025 22:11

Haven’t seen or spoken to my dad in decades and I am also no contact with my mum. I resent her weakness for not leaving and the way she minimises things even to this day.

My rational brain understands why abused women stay but the child in you who experienced it doesn’t leave you. If you go back then you risk losing your children as adults when they have a choice to walk away from it all.

This sums up my feelings...

I know why it is hard to leave, but the child in me is screaming "do better"

I had significant anxiety... the events were minimised and I was deemed as being dramatic.

She's not with her partner now, but they are still friends.

She wonders why I wont let my DD visit unsupervised.

Well done for getting out OP, your baby will be proud of you for taking this step 💚

Anyahyacinth · 25/11/2025 00:06

terriblechildhood · 24/11/2025 21:45

I'm in my 60s and still blighted by the constant aggression and unpredictability I grew up with, from both parents .It's caused me physical and mental health problems and affected my sibling even more deeply. I wish my parents had split up or that my lovely grandmother had had permanent care of me. She saved me from it being worse.

OP, you are doing the right thing - don't look back.

All through out my childhood my Dad beat and raped my Mum. We lived somewhere without neighbours. My Mum was an early years teacher. No one knew. As I child I tried to make things better ..trying to do housework to stop the fights. To bond they picked on one of us children. I went to Uni etc.. but was / am dogged by an unchanging undercurrent of fear and watchfulness. I know for a fact it has limited my achievements even though I've always worked and had decent jobs. I will never know who I might have been without this deep harm.

NameChangeforDVThread · 25/11/2025 00:14

Our background also had a terrible effect on my sister. She struggles with her mental health. When she was about 14, Dad kicked her out of the house for a week for cheeking him - took her to his mother's for a week. I remember it vividly. She has no memory of it - blocked it out, I suspect.

Endoftheroad12345 · 25/11/2025 01:37

Hi @NeedingASafeSpace

I grew up in a high conflict home - I don’t remember witnessing violent but I remember my dad getting physical (pushing etc) when I argued with him as a teenager.

I married an abusive man and left when my kids were 4.5 and 8. They are now 11 and 7.5. They never saw the worst of it (which was exH hitting me) but experienced enough to be deeply affected - scary rages, plates smashed, pushing etc. DS had his arm grabbed so hard by exH it left a bruise.

DD is terrified of raised voices and DS had extreme anxiety for years after we split. He is terrified of something happening to me and being forced to live with Dad. Both have had therapy. I honestly thought I was protecting them from it all, I had no idea. I often reflect on how peaceful our lives are now. I am so proud of myself for showing my kids that you must leave if someone treats you like this. If my mum had protected me in that way from my dad (although I loved him) I would have had different expectations from my partner and I would never have stayed with exH after the first tantrum (which was years before we married and had kids 🥺).

Also - it’s so easy to read about abusive men stabbing, smashing heads in etc and think oh mine’s not that bad. The only acceptable level of violence is none. And even if they’re not violent, the emotional abuse- contempt, gaslighting, dismissal etc - is awful to live with.

NeedingASafeSpace · 25/11/2025 05:40

Endoftheroad12345 · 25/11/2025 01:37

Hi @NeedingASafeSpace

I grew up in a high conflict home - I don’t remember witnessing violent but I remember my dad getting physical (pushing etc) when I argued with him as a teenager.

I married an abusive man and left when my kids were 4.5 and 8. They are now 11 and 7.5. They never saw the worst of it (which was exH hitting me) but experienced enough to be deeply affected - scary rages, plates smashed, pushing etc. DS had his arm grabbed so hard by exH it left a bruise.

DD is terrified of raised voices and DS had extreme anxiety for years after we split. He is terrified of something happening to me and being forced to live with Dad. Both have had therapy. I honestly thought I was protecting them from it all, I had no idea. I often reflect on how peaceful our lives are now. I am so proud of myself for showing my kids that you must leave if someone treats you like this. If my mum had protected me in that way from my dad (although I loved him) I would have had different expectations from my partner and I would never have stayed with exH after the first tantrum (which was years before we married and had kids 🥺).

Also - it’s so easy to read about abusive men stabbing, smashing heads in etc and think oh mine’s not that bad. The only acceptable level of violence is none. And even if they’re not violent, the emotional abuse- contempt, gaslighting, dismissal etc - is awful to live with.

My DD is now 5 and and son is 2 in feb. My son see his dad floor me he got really upset and was crying for some time. His dad also had him on his hip while screaming at me and ripping things from my hands etc this time he didn’t flinch. That’s scary. My little girl has seen arguments (well him screaming at me as I refused to argue back in front of the kids) and she seen me crying a lot and heard him shouting on the phone downstairs (voice noting me) I said he was having a little argument with his brother on the phone. After this she seen him come upstairs demanding my phone and go through my phone looking at my things. The conversation at this point was kept calm and talking normally while he got my phone and went though it but she knew something was wrong. I’m terrified that this has affected her. I wake up daily with this guilt. I feel my son is too young to remember although his brain might but my DD I feel so awful and guilty. I hate myself for it.

OP posts:
Endoftheroad12345 · 25/11/2025 05:45

@NeedingASafeSpace Your DD will see that you left to keep them safe. She will know that her mum was not prepared to tolerate a life like that for herself or for her kids.

Obviously it would be far better for our kids if we hadn’t picked abusive arseholes for partners and fathers, but you can’t change the past. You can change the future.

Your DD will know that she should expect better from a partner in her own life, and she will also know that if she picks a dud, she will be strong enough to leave, because she’s seen you do it.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 25/11/2025 05:48

I used to hope every day that my mum would leave. She never did and even in her 80's was suffering.

As a teenager I did everything I could to get away. I left home at 18 and lived with a boyfriend. She was devastated. As an adult I couldn't bear going back as it was so awful. But I felt terrible guilt that I wasn't going to see her as she wanted me because her life was so miserable. I hated her for staying with him and subjecting me to it all. I hated coming home from school terrified of what the atmosphere woukd be like, walking on eggshells in case he was angered.

Please don't put her kids through what I went through. I'm nearly 60 and it still impacts me now.

growinguptobreakingdown · 25/11/2025 06:03

Saw and heard it. At night I'd stick my fingers in my ears, hum loudly and keep the cover over my head .I'd have a really wierd feeling where I was floating out of my body peering over a ledge - like vertigo. I think now I was dissociating?
TRIGGER WARING:
I heard my Dad rape my mum on a few occasions and can still hear her words in my mind .I struggle with sex in long term, intimate relationships and sometimes my (lovely )husband will do or say something during sex and I will feel physically sick and have to stop. Holding my arms above my head or moving my legs in a certain position (my mum was saying Dad was hurting her legs over and over). I refuse (physically can't) to have sex when the kids are in the house - even when babies -so that hasn't been great for us.
2 episodes I witnessed will flashback to me at wierd times- walking down the street - and literally stop me in my tracks.That's horrendous.
I struggle with making friends - especially uncomfortable with men.I feel shy and anxious talking to them. I'm 54 now and no one knows any of this really. I'm sure they think i'm rude /wierd.
As a teen / 20s/ 30s I was a mess - risk taker, sought men like my Dad, eating disorders, messed up college .Allowed men to treat me like shit. I luckily found a good man and have been married and stable for a long while. I was very much at risk of becoming a drug addict or alcoholic as they were both releases for me.
To keep myself safe I'd say my experiences held me back and I chose a very safe path as I'm scared of making the choices I did when younger or ending up like my mum.
Please -if he hits you once , or threatens to, leave and don't go back.

QuirkyHorse · 25/11/2025 06:12

My dm was abusive to my df. He, to his credit never raised a hand to her.
I despised my dm for making his life a misery. Every time he left, she'd drag him back somehow.

I used to sleep in the same bed as my sister, crying, because she was clouting him again. Even the dog suffered from anxiety because of her.

I vowed to be like neither of them. I would never become the abuser or the abused and to this day have money put aside to walk away if I have to.

FuzzyBumbleeBee · 25/11/2025 06:20

I can remember being woken up by screaming and the sound of things smashing
Being dragged out of bed at goodness knows what time and being told to choose which parent to go with and knowing I couldn't say my actual choice as it would be worse this happened regularly
I remember being woken up and used as a human shield as I got older

I remember fear, loud screaming, arguments but not day to day things like going to the park

Sudden loud noises make me freeze, I practice scenarios in my head of what I would do in situations
I second guess every thing I do incase it uspests someone
If somehow an argument starts with me involved I go from 0 to 100 in milliseconds due to fear that If I don't win and get that person to back off I'm in danger

I went through years of owning big scary dogs and trained them to protect me, my smaller two now have had the same training as I just can't shake the fear.

Neevo · 25/11/2025 06:20

Well I’m currently in therapy where I’ve been told I PTSD, attachment issues and various other things. I prayed for many years to let us escape.

he’s dead now, I wish I could says it’s over by sadly his abuse is currently haunting me.

I promised myself I would never allow my children to be exposed and so far that has worked.

RyanFudgingMurphy · 25/11/2025 06:46

My adult daughter heard a lot of it as a child. She even asked her das to stop being nasty to me once. If she saw her dad brewing an argument (read: EA, swearing) she'd retreat to her bedroom.

I asked her tentatively about those days and she says she's mostly blocked it out. I said she's going to have to talk about it some day. She just clams up. It's difficult because I don't want to badmouth her father, because, they still have a relationship, but I feel we have to acknowledge what happened. I suppose I'll have to get some counselling organised so there's a safe constructive space to say things we're both burying.