Trigger warning - Can I please hear from people who witnessed DV as a child at home (if you’re comfortable to share)

[NeedingASafeSpace]

I’m relatively fresh out of a domestic abuse relationship. I wondered if I could hear off people who experienced Dv as a child and how it affected them to keep in my mind for my weak days of flaking nd messaging me POS abuser. I won’t be doing this but I won’t doubt I struggle with days like today where my mind plays tricks “what if the kids just don’t see it” “they never really seen anything” etc etc.them seeing one thing is too much please don’t think and judge me for having these thoughts as I feel I am withdrawing coming off drugs. Even though I do not love him or even like him I feel some form of addiction. If you feel comfortable enough I wondered please can you share your stories I hope this isn’t taken in the wrong way. To anyone who has experienced DV as a child I am so sorry❤️

I did not see it, but heard as a young child. Absolutely terrifying and I would say it remains with you. It made me totally intolerant of violence or abuse. I chose to end a marriage and not subject my kids to an unhappy home ( not a violent one) From an early age I determined to be financially independent all my life and that has worked well Am very happily single. I suppose I may have trust issues, but would never risk being dependant. The only level of acceptable violence is nil

I haven’t experienced this personally but just wanted to say you are so brave for leaving and well done for putting yourself and your children first - not an easy thing. You will all be so much better off without him.
I work with children who have witnessed DV, I know that is not what you asked for but let me know if you’d like to hear a bit about that.

Thank you so much. I would absolutely like to hear more on that definitely please x

I’m so sorry that it’s stuck with you. I hope you and your mother (or father) have a good relationship now. I’m sorry you had to suffer that

I saw it and heard it for years. I used to try to sleep with my fingers in my ears so I could block it out but never could. I couldn’t tell anyone and still haven’t. It was a horrible horrible way to grow up.

I can very clearly remember it and I haven't had contact with the cunt since I was 5.
I tick most ACE boxes and the way I am (damaged) is thanks to that childhood trauma.
I despise my Mum for bringing a child into that.

I can hear how destroyed you are in your words😢. I’m so sorry you went through that. You haven’t spoken to your mum since being 5? I know it awful and I could imagine what you went through. I wish things were different for you and I pray healing over you x

I’m so sorry😩😢. Did anyone know you could hear? You must have been so scared

I saw DV in the family home and it's etched in my brain. I wasn't even 6 and they are all my earliest memories. When someone mentions their childhood or childhood memories, this is where my mind goes. It was extremely damaging, luckily it was all over and i was out of that situation when I turned 7.

My mum sometimes reminices about my childhood and i have never had the guts to talk to her about it. She has no idea I know, she thinks i had a great childhood. No point after all these years.

I'm in my 60s and still blighted by the constant aggression and unpredictability I grew up with, from both parents .It's caused me physical and mental health problems and affected my sibling even more deeply. I wish my parents had split up or that my lovely grandmother had had permanent care of me. She saved me from it being worse.

OP, you are doing the right thing - don't look back.

I was older but even now 40 years later I wake up in the middle of the night and think I can hear it happening. It stays with you even when you think you’ve got past it.

Stay strong for your kids, I wish my parent had been able to.

That’s dreadful I’m so sorry. If you don’t mind me asking what things did you experience? Did your mother know you seen/heard x

OP, I don't know if other people's stories of childhood trauma are what you need right now. I think you need to process the abusive relationship.

You say going back to him is like an addiction? That's codependency. There's a program you can follow to help you break out of it. I'm in a brain fog right now and can't think of the name. Does anyone else have the link?

No, the cunt is my 'Dad' who kicked the shit out of her on a daily basis and threw his dinner at the wall because I made noise playing while he was trying to watch the news.
I have a difficult relationship with my Mum as in it's expected I should like her because she's my Mum. But I don't.

Its a horrible way to grow up. As a child I was scared to leave the house as I didn't want to leave my DM alone, I struggled to make friends because i spent alot of time alone. I am also a huge people pleaser now, I hate any kind of confrontation and do things to keep the peace and avoid any arguments.

My husband never saw direct violence (occasional smashing stuff, lots of arguments and waking on eggshells, Mum crying, Dad coming home drunk etc but no actual violence).

He's 53 and still has night terrors about it all.

It is horrendous to witness as for those few seconds where I try to wake him he's like a terrified little boy still.

Please don't let that be your kids half a century from now 💐

I did, both from my bio dad and latterly my step dad (former now, thankfully). It’s fucking terrifying for a child, I never felt safe in my own home, I walked on eggshells every waking moment. The slightest ‘wrong’ would trigger violent rages where we were kicked, slapped, punched, spat at, our belongings destroyed… and he did worse to my mum. I was angry with myself that I couldn’t fix it or help but also angry with the parent who allowed it, for want of better phrasing. Of course I was angry with the violent parent but I was desperate to be protected and that fell to the other parent, and we unfortunately were let down over and over for a long time.

Sadly as a 18 year old, I moved in with a boyfriend I’d been with a couple of months who soon became aggressive, controlling and violent. I accepted it because of the 80% or the time he was lovely and charming and funny etc, and in my head, that’s just how men were. They got angry, they got violent, they smashed things and, if I’d wound them up enough, they’d hurt me. I was gradually being isolated from friends and family. It was all textbook. He choked me one night until I nearly passed out and I realised he’d kill me the next time. I called my brother and we did a flit while the ex was at work.

I did a lot of work on myself while single and consciously chose the opposite of everything I knew. My husband is a good, kind, gentle man who loves me deeply, works incredibly hard for our family and adores our children who will never know what it’s like to be scared in you own home of the people who are meant to love you most.

You have done the right thing. Stand strong and show your children they deserve more.

It was awful. I always walked on eggshells. I never had any idea what mood my dad would be in. I have lots of horrible memories like my dad wielding a knife at my mum and I still think about these things on a regular basis. I always had to be the peacekeeper, to try and simmer my dad down. When they were arguing I would step in and take my dad’s side to calm him down. Because I grew up with it, I got to know his triggers and learnt how not to set him off. He used to kick the cat too.

I always had a low bar for men. As a result I’m a single mum after marrying and having kids with someone useless but not recognising the red flags.

MNetters always ask why women have kids with useless men. That’s one reason of mine. He didn’t hit me, so i thought it would be alright.

I don’t think I’m a good mum. I shout at my kids sometimes and I think I’ve inherited my dad’s temper.

I wish my mum had chosen me and my siblings safety and happiness instead of staying with our abusive father. It's affected everything in my life: confidence, self esteem, mental health, relationships witb everyone. I expect it always will.

I heard and know far more than they would guess about the abuse. I never felt safe at home.

Well done for leaving. You've done the best thing for your children that you could ever dom be proud

My earliest memory is sitting on the stairs crying after my dad hit my mum. I think i was around 4.

I have several episodes etched in my brain - they will never leave me. I heard and saw a lot. I get flashbacks of my mum on the floor crying out for help. And walking in on her in the bath with mascara running down her face as she was silently crying.

I am triggered by raised voices and confrontation. I watched Riot Women and had a visceral and child like response to the DV scene, fingers in ears and shouting no no no. It has made my relationships complicated. I'm questioning my marriage because of my partners temper. They're not violent but I cannot handle it at all.

You did the right thing to leave.

I grew up in a DV household and I saw and heard things no child should experience I would try and stop it and I would be punched ,kicked as well and it would only stop when I wet myself through fear.
I would have been between 5 and 11 when this happened.

I've been through counselling to help come to terms with it 50 years later.
It definitely leaves its mark.
That's why I advise women on here get out of at all possible but I do understand it's not that straight forward.
Wishing you and your children a peaceful future.

I was the same trying to sleep with my fingers in my ears trying to block out the screams coming from my mum.
I also witnessed mum bring pushed down the stair a few times.
It truly is a horrible way to grow up.
I get flash backs from some of the things I witnessed has a child still to this day.

My DGS witnessed his DM being beaten and kicked by her M. He had just started Primary school - he’s now a teenager and it’s affected him more than anyone could imagine including PTSD. When he was younger, if anyone called me Nan he would tell, total strangers, that’s not my Nan - Nan beats my Mum.
The looks I’d get because they would misunderstand.

Please don’t even think about going back if you love your children.

I witnessed (though mostly heard) it. We all walked on eggshells constantly so as not to set him off. I remember my dad once beating my mum up and raping her on the hall floor in front of me and my brother (I was 5 and db was 6). We couldn’t help her, and I hate myself for that. She kept on taking him back, and I’m still so angry about it.

It damaged us so much. We all grew up with horrific anxiety. I ended up in abusive relationships myself, because that was just normal, right? You don’t know what a relationship should be. It took me decades and tens of thousands of pounds of therapy to find peace.

I’m SO sorry to each and every one of you😭. You poor things. You have really set it in stone for me what my kids future would be like if I had stayed. This gives all clarify needed. I am so sorry for your experiences but truly you have helped my kids because these stories are going to keep me going and motivated. Thank you and I am so sorry again. Praying healing on you all