Did anyone else go to a “high-achieving” girls’ school that left them with low-level trauma?

[StrictSchoolSurvivor]

I went to a very high-performing state girls’ school in London. On paper it was brilliant - great results, strict standards, strong reputation. I did well academically, stayed through sixth form, went to uni for my BSc and later my MSc.

But looking back… the environment was intense. Everything felt punitive. Small mistakes were treated like major offences. Teachers (not all but many) were on power trips. Detentions, exclusions, public telling-offs, it often went way too far for teenage girls just trying to survive school.

I’ve realised as an adult that the emotional culture at that school genuinely did a number on me. I’m successful and doing well, but I still find myself being overly hard on myself or feeling like a “failure” over small things, and I can trace a lot of that back to how discipline was handled there.

AIBU to think that academically “excellent” schools can still be emotionally damaging?

And for those who went to similar schools, would you / did you send your daughters to the same type of environment?

Yep. School that was (and still is) usually in top 10 performing schools in the country. I did well enough academically but I was always made to feel inadequate because not every subject was an A grade so I was bringing the average down. There was quite a lot of pressure to excel academically. Everyone also seemed to excel at music/ sport too so the fact I was pretty good at music didn't even compensate for being academically average amidst my peers there. Basically my self esteem has always been on the low side since and I constantly feel like I don't measure up. I'm afraid of failure and don't take risks so have ended up just sticking to safe jobs I know I can do well, rather than challenging myself. Definitely still feel the effects of it, but sadly didn't come out with the confidence that private schools are suppposed to be so good at instilling.

Wouldn't send my daughter to one, unless the state alternatives available were diabolical.

Yes. Have complete imposter syndrome and always feel I’m about to be ‘found out’ that I’m not as clever as people expect me to be! Also now I’m a teacher myself I look back and realise most of the teaching was utter crap- they just relied on the fact most of the girls were anxious to do well so would figure it out themselves!
My friends who attended have similar long term issues and we joke we can spot former pupils instantly!
I live in the same area and didn’t even go to look at it for my daughter…. Mums at primary school obsessed with getting their girls into the school and I just think….. if only you knew!!

Yes and lucky enough to find my tribe. If I hadn’t it would have been horrific. But, for me, it was by far the best place. A spotty, gawky, too clever by half girl with a cut glass RP accent and no social skills. I’d have been utterly miserable at the local state school where the Head was on record as saying that ‘all Cs at maths was been than 10 As and one D’. I used to meet people there at parties and they simply took the piss out of me for the way I spoke. Excelled at science. Glad I went co-ed for sixth form when the boys were more grown up.

I went to a rubbish mixed comp and didn't come away with good self esteem either, only difference was that I also got very let down with exam results! I suspect there are a lot like me. I'm sure pushy schools can be awful but so can many others, like mine where they didn't give a toss.

Top performing girls grammar and actually no, I have no trauma. I couldn't give my kids the same education as it wasn't an option where we live now and I regret that.

There was no constant disruption like at my kids' school and whilst part of that was knowing we would be kicked out if we didn't meet expectations, I never felt under pressure. There was just support and the expectation that we would do well. There were no petty rules, the uniform was relaxed although the fashion of the day was long skirts, so no skirt length drama. If homework wasn't done you were made to sit in reception and do it over your break - I was frequently there, and frequently lost items, didn't have the right items ( came from a poor background) and presumably having Adhd, things were just dealt with without seeming punative to me at the time. I felt secure with the firm expectations. They also dealt with my Mum's foibles (she does have an autism diagnosis).
There was very little bullying, which actually surprises me.

I'd also say that a good proportion of my cohort was ND at a time when girls weren't diagnosed (80s) and I guess that influenced the school ethos , although there were some teachers who were utter horrors but that happens in all schools.

So no, I don't regret my schooling at all and I have no trauma. I'm sorry that you (OP) didn't come out of schooling unscathed. None of mine are unscathed from their non selective school days and we've fostered too, I could tell you some school horror stories there.

@StrictSchoolSurvivor yes! All girls faith grammar - horrendous. No pastoral care. Teaching was generally crap as posts here said they relied on girls being academically strong anyway. Classmate - who I now think was a victim of abuse - was completely neglected by staff because her predicted exam grades were not up to scratch
would never ever send my kids to any such school

Life is about choosing your hard. For every person who feels overly-pushed and pressurised, there are also others who wish they had been given more direction and had higher expectations set of them.

That doesn’t make overly-strict or overly-lax schools a good thing, but it’s a part of life. Would you really rather have gone to a more relaxed school and maybe not got a BSc from a top university, with all the advantages that entailed?

Yes in theory all schools COULD strike a perfect balance of freedom and control, but we don’t live in an ideal world. Probably best to be grateful for the good sides of your education.

I went to a pretty crap school and still have the same issues you describe. So no, I reckon it's more to do with the way state education was in the 90s

Yes, looking back there were some shockingly poor teachers, but who were really nice people. We were often left to teach ourselves.

I went to a girls' grammar too and it was good generally. Teachers were relatively forgiving and laid back. Much better than my DC's comprehensive. I would have happily sent my children if we had lived in the area.

Very high performing girls grammar. No trauma here.
School had its ups and downs but overall it was a positive experience.

I went to a below average comprehensive and, although I did enjoy school for the most part, I only had a small circle of friends, filled my time with extra curricular activities, homework and the library so I didn't have to face unstructured time with most of my peers and was definitely on the 'social misfit' side.

I would have absolutely loved an academic, all girls school, even if it did come with added pressure. I was an anorexic self harmer with low self esteem by age 15 anyway so already the perfect candidate!

I had friends at uniiversity who went t Kendrick and Newstead Wood which I'm guessing are the kinds of schools you are talking about. One is genuinely one of the most well adjusted, well rounded people I've ever known. The other is a mess but she had a terrible home life as a child and teen so not necessarily anything to do with the school.

tl;dr summary - I can see the problems with single sex, academic schools but I don't think they are as bad as the problems that come with below standard comprehensives. Though different schools obviously suit different children.

Strongly agree with @MyFunSloth. School is an intense environment anyway - you are there five days a week for quite a lot of the year for thirteen years, and when you're not there, you're often doing something connected to the school like homework or socialising with school friends. Of course it shapes your life for both good and bad. I went to an all-girls academic hothouse and while the discipline wasn't particularly strict (it didn't need to be - we were pretty well behaved) the expectations around success were, in hindsight, utterly bonkers.

High performing all girls grammar. Overall a positive experience. I was a nerd and would likely have been bullied at a mixed sex comp, as would most of my nerd friends, many of whom I still have, 40 years on. They are engineers, academics, successful tech entrepreneurs, and pharmacists. If anything, it likely meant less trauma.

Top girls grammar and don't recognise this description at all. Obviously, I thought it was normal at the time but was (and am) horrified when kids from secondaries / comps talked about the behaviour at their school. We didn't have anything like that, we behaved ourselves and did what we were told. I still can't imagine talking back to a teacher! Didn't notice any bullying, and I actually wish the teachers had pushed us more. I was very distractible and wish I'd tried a bit harder. Later diagnosed ADHD.

I would certainly send my children to similar, especially if they're girls. I genuinely had no idea until after I left that there were apparently 'boy subjects' and 'girl subjects' as it was completely normal for the girls to be interested in science, maths, engineering etc. Plus I've had so many women tell me how much they wished they'd had single-sex as the guys at their schools were just awful. I don't recall ever having anyone tell me they think I was worse off not having a load of teenage boys in class with me...

I went to a very academic London girls’ day school (think top few nationally for results) and my experience was good and not at all like you describe. Sorry to hear you had a bad experience, OP. I don’t remember anyone really being told off or punished, apart from one friend being suspended for smoking.
Both my children are at great grammar schools, we’re not in London so I wouldn’t say it’s quite as academically competitive as the school I went to, but yes absolutely have sent them to a somewhat similar type of environment and am very happy with the choice.

I went to a low-achieving, mixed-comp and have also been left with low level trauma. It's school in general I think. Not exclusive to high-achieving girls.

I didn't go to a school like that but I think it's possible for children to have very different experiences from the same place, so what suits one child isn't right for another.
My state comp was a brilliant experience for me. Keen to push those who could, supportive of those who couldn't, enthusiastic about non-academic options, great pastoral support, mostly great teaching. That's what I experienced. But I am fully aware that school friends would be bemused at that description. I've heard people talk about uninterested teachers and lack of care for anything but academics. I genuinely don't recognise the school from some people's experience of it.
Surely the high pressure environment you describe for others was the perfect place to help them reach their full potential and excel. Are there schools which are terrible (or wonderful) for absolutely every pupil?

A spotty, gawky, too clever by half girl with a cut glass RP accent and no social skills.

I just loved this description - partly because I knew (and rather liked) so many of you!

I did and I would never send my daughter to a similar school.

I wonder how many of us went to the same schools. Mine was also one that was almost always in the top 10 state schools in the country.
Your description sounds very familiar to me, OP. Cripplingly low self esteem, massive imposter syndrome, self harming, food issues, never feeling good enough or like I lived up to some invisible standard.
My hot house school used to really under mark us, so it wasn't until we got GCSE results that most of us realised we were actually really (academically) clever.

Mine was an all girls private. It didn't matter how bright you were unless you had the very top marks and excelled at sport and/or music. You had to do it all. On top of 5 AS/A levels and 11 GCSEs. Eating disorders and self harm were rife. I came out with excellent quals but no clue who I was coupled with a spot of substance abuse.

Yes, I absolutely believe that there is a culture of eating disorders in elite girls’ schools.

How many people come out of school knowing who they are though. Sad that you suffered but I think you're idealising other schools. A rubbish school academically sets people back so much that they're unlikely to ever catch up.

I went to a girls grammar for sixth form and absolutely hated it, and the girls that went there.

BUT it was a means to an end and I ended up doing better than most of them so overall I’m glad I went. I learnt loads and not just book stuff.