Did anyone else go to a “high-achieving” girls’ school that left them with low-level trauma?

[StrictSchoolSurvivor]

I went to a very high-performing state girls’ school in London. On paper it was brilliant - great results, strict standards, strong reputation. I did well academically, stayed through sixth form, went to uni for my BSc and later my MSc.

But looking back… the environment was intense. Everything felt punitive. Small mistakes were treated like major offences. Teachers (not all but many) were on power trips. Detentions, exclusions, public telling-offs, it often went way too far for teenage girls just trying to survive school.

I’ve realised as an adult that the emotional culture at that school genuinely did a number on me. I’m successful and doing well, but I still find myself being overly hard on myself or feeling like a “failure” over small things, and I can trace a lot of that back to how discipline was handled there.

AIBU to think that academically “excellent” schools can still be emotionally damaging?

And for those who went to similar schools, would you / did you send your daughters to the same type of environment?

I can remember one particular piece of sadistic theatre - at some point in the autumn term there would be an assembly to "celebrate" the GCSE results. Every girl was called up onto the stage to receive her certificates, and as she went up the headmistress would announce her name, the number of GCSEs she got and how many of them were As / As - so "Joanna Bloggs, 10 GCSEs, 9 As and As" etc. There would be polite applause for most of them, enthusiastic applause for those with "11 GCSEs, 11 As and A*s" and a horrified gasp to anyone who was just announced as "Joanna Bloggs, 9 GCSEs <dramatic pause>"

Remarkably effective at communicating to the entire school that a solid set of Bs at GCSEs was unacceptably poor.

On the plus side I had some absolutely brilliant teaching, was taught to think critically not just to pass exams, loads of extracurricular opportunities, never experienced the low-level sexual harassment that all my friends at mixed sex schools did, was in a calm environment, and made lifelong friends, so on balance I think there was more good than bad.

I was that girl, but had a broad regional accent amongst quite a few RP girls. I was never judged by it and took posh quirky friends round to my council house. My kids' comp was so bloody tribal.

Guessing we were at school together as this sounds like mine.

Great in many ways but super pressured and if you weren't brilliant at everything you were somewhat ignored (but given sufficient attention to get excellent results, naturally).

I went to a girls grammar and it was awful. Rife with bullying, eating disorders, self harming in the toilets, ridiculous strict punishments for nothing. I remember we’d have fire drills where we’d all line up on the field and if anyone twitched or whispered the headteacher would scream ‘ARE YOU DEAF OR JUST STUPID?!?’ right at them. I learnt to sneeze completely silently because we’d get bollocked for not being completely silent in assembly.

I ended up having a slightly rebellious phase and then became a teacher as an adult. I am nice to the children.

Oh and our counterparts at the boys’ school across the road were all little incels before that was even a thing.

I went to one of those, I wonder if it’s the same one as OP’s as it was in London too.

I’m a university professor and still feel like a fucking failure! My imposter syndrome won’t ever go away, no matter how much therapy I have. But I think this is down to my parents as much as the school.

The main thing that I resent is that hobbies were very much discouraged by the sheer volume of homework that we had and the emphasis on academic results above everything else. To this day, I find it really hard to carve out time for myself and detach from work.

And, yes, eating disorders were rife.

What do you mean by low-level trauma? Does this mean minor trauma? As opposed to something more serious?

I did, and I absolutely loved it. I was probably in the top quarter of students academically. I thrived.

My friends who were nearer the bottom academically hated it and I'm sure do still have issues about it.

I can understand a bit how they must have felt because I went on to Oxbridge where I had several lecturers tell me I was useless and should quit. I actually got the highest 2:1 in the year which was more than respectable. But had a miserable time.

I would send my child to a similar school, but only if they were academic and I thought it was a good fit for them.

Incidentally though, I mostly really liked my teachers and don't remember any ridiculous strictness or punishments. Behaviour was pretty good. There are some local comps around my area now though that seem to operate very harshly.

Went to an independent all girls school. Not insanely pressured but good grades and high achievement were certainly celebrated, encouraged and expected if you were considered able. Most people came out fine, I think. I have anxiety and definitely had whilst attending the senior school but the likely starting point was KS1 at the same school.

Mixed VI form at a boys public school. Again, achievement encouraged/ expected but I never felt unduly pressured despite being a high achiever. A lot of the girls came from single sex schools and we lived in an all female boarding house. We all strived but I remember the dividing factors in my year being more personal with little academic rivalries & vendettas conducted personally.

I do remember someone complaining about the history dept at my VI school publishing weekly test results posted in class position order top to bottom with score and grade on a public board you had to check. The complainant said it was humiliating. It was at that point in A-levels where it's all new and you're just getting to grips. My own marks reflected this and whilst I wasn't the complainant, I was bloody relieved when she succeeded in getting the shaming thing removed! Happily, I did do well once I got in the swing.

I ended up having a slightly rebellious phase and then became a teacher as an adult. I am nice to the children.

I'm glad, because for all MN's naysaying, some teachers are quite frankly not nice.

And regarding the little incels down the road. I didn't stay for sixth form, but that was the year they decided to co-ed the sixth form using the boys' premises. It was a rough year by all accounts.

i simply thought adolescence was traumatic? is it not the whole purpose of that phase? standing out is traumatic, not being noticed is traumatic, nice parents that gave lots of freedom traumatic, mean controlling parents traumatic.
maybe life is traumatic, which is what allows us to grow and mature.

I went to a decent girls' grammar. I'm not traumatised, despite a bit of bullying because I was quiet, academic (apart from maths, my nemesis) and a bit quirky. I never really found my tribe there, kept to myself mainly, but I'm OK. Doing well there meant an escape to university from a difficult home life, so I'm grateful for that.

Edited to add, I don't have daughters but my sons went to a mixed sex, mixed ability school. If grammars had been available here, yes I'd probably have sent them there.

Same here. Shit comp. Rubbish grades, and a really hard-to-shake feeling that it is wrong to achieve. You got really bullied at school for being keen or academic. Even some of the teachers sneered if they thought you were too clever or enthusiastic.

Just sounds like any school really. Why does everything you feel as an adult have to be traced back to something innocuous and labelled as ‘trauma’ nowadays? What is the obsession - if it’s not a teacher telling you off, it’s your parents feeding you crisps. If it’s not your parents, it’s your grandmother not asking for your consent to change your nappy when you were three months old 🙄🙄. Oh the TRAUMA of it all.

Private girls school, I found a report at my parents house a few years back. They sent me to educational psychologist when I was 10 (mid 80s) who said I was very bright but had poor executive function. I still do, 99% certain it's ADHD. I was always told off for day dreaming, always looked a mess, had terrible handwriting, was dippy and chaotic. I can only describe myself as clueless.

University was a disaster as in the summer holidays just before I was sexually assaulted by my friend's dad, unsurprisingly I had a total breakdown. When I confided in my teenage boyfriend who wanted to have sex, he told me I was a whore, and threw me across the room!

I also had such low self esteem I did what I thought my parents wanted me to do rather than what I was good at and didn't tell them about the friend's father but developed an eating disorder. When I eventually did tell them, they just acted like it never happened and continued to socialise with him. Such a letdown.

I then spent my 20s getting sacked from various jobs, somehow I always got rather good jobs but was appallingly disorganised.

One of my closest friends growing up went to private girls school and she is amazingly smart, she's a consultant now. The school pushed academics so hard, she had zero common sense and little awareness of anything other than learning. She had no idea that not all children went to university, she was astonished when found out they didn't! She had no idea on pop music, shows on TV, she didn't even know what suits on a deck of cards were called til I showed her in our teens. Thankfully had common as old muck comprehensive school friend in me though that same thing is what eventually set us apart, she had little time for her oldest non-posh friend as the years went by.

She wasn't traumatised and her school did amazing for her confidence, came out feeling like she could take on the world. I think that last bit was the schools gift to her tbh but at the same time I do think kids can come out with a skewed view of the world and what it's really like.

My nieces both went to SPGS which is the most academic girls school in the country. Both as smart as each other. One absolutely thrived. Her sister hated every minute.
But if we lived in that part of London, I’d happily have looked at it for mine. They’re fairly robust. So really it depends on the child, I think.

This Be My Verse

They mess you up, the schools you had.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They develop all the faults you have.
And add some extra, just for you.

Schools? All types leave their marks and we all have a mix of memories and experiences. I was a good kid but a bit different. More than anything I moved schools and countries too much for my own good due to yo-yo parents. Earlier today I exchanged messages with a friend who arrived at an English Girls School when I did. We shared a puzzlement and still do. A friend of my mother told us 'you know it is a hot house?' and having just come from Spain I assumed this meant there was some sort of glass house or orangery. There wasn't, apart from the little neglected greenhouse a biology technician half-heartedly used.

I can't pin down the effects of that particular school too well, it just goes into the mix. There was the preparation too for a school in Cyprus that I was poised to attend, but my mother decided to head back to my father again. Again.

One of the oddest things looking back was a girl from the year below. I heard the similarly puzzled friend I was messaging earlier mention her as being my 'Bat Girl'. Though I assumed this might be some sort of junior superhero at first, it was more her having a massive crush on me and wanting to make herself helpful. There wasn't anything she could help me with really, but she stuck around, and I just helped her with her maths homework sometimes. I think my act was to pretend to a mysterious sexuality, which drew others like flies, where actually it was mysteriously padlocked while I coped as best I could with school, home, sometimes alternative home, staying with my gran, and watching my brother's back.

The Girls School teachers were a mix of pedestrian competents and the truly inspirational. PE though? My nightmare is putting on a Netball bib, have balls thrown at me, be yelled at by the teacher, and not really know what to do or where to be. I was thin, fit, not far off blonde, tallish for my age at the time and really not too distant from being the type of clone she seemed to love. But she didn't. I felt left out of some cult. I did get praise though for my hurdles skill, but that was more because I didn't care what I hit between the start and getting to the other end to make it stop. This got me selected...

I was told in front of a class I wouldn't win the Year Spanish Prize. 'Why not Miss?', "you can speak the language", ' fair enough, I didn't want it anyway', "you should, that's a bad attitude to have".

Woman hands on misery to woman.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get over it if you can,
And don’t mess up your kids yourself.

All girls private school for me, although I left after a few years. I’m 40 now and still get a knot in my stomach when I travel past it. I genuinely don’t know if I would have survived if I had been forced to stay until I turned 18. I have since heard from friends that they secretly hated it too, but were too frightened to speak out at the time. It’s probably changed, but I wouldn’t send my young daughters even if it was free.

Yes I went to a girls grammar. At the age of 17, within 3 months of my mother dying, I was told I was falling behind and would have to leave if my marks didn't start to improve. Yes, I was (and still am) traumatised.

Do you feel better for getting that off your chest? You don't sound too mentally stable yourself.

I agree with this. It’s insulting to those who have real trauma as.a result of horrific life experiences

It's not a competition, fgs. Minimizing other people's experiences is a dick move that just perpetuates the cycle of abuse. No one gets to tell someone else their feelings are not real or their experiences not bad enough. No one.

Schools absolutely can be a horrific life experience though.

I don’t think it’s healthy to put your own outside hierarchy on other people’s suffering like that. Everyone has their own stuff and not everyone has the same reserves of whatever kind to get them through difficult situations.

So I wish you well, all of you still recovering from school years. I feel lucky in hindsight to have been at all-girls secondary school and sixth form. Home wasn’t great so school was a relief for me. Not easy times all the time, but it gave me a structure at least in in those secondary years.

I went to a mixed grammar in NI in the 80s. It was pretty old skool, for example we had all learned Latin, and some teachers wore gowns (in a state school!) Expectations were pretty high, we were expected to behave and study hard. I absolutely loved it and thrived, others not so much. I wish I could have sent my son there, but we moved away.