Did anyone else go to a “high-achieving” girls’ school that left them with low-level trauma?

[StrictSchoolSurvivor]

I went to a very high-performing state girls’ school in London. On paper it was brilliant - great results, strict standards, strong reputation. I did well academically, stayed through sixth form, went to uni for my BSc and later my MSc.

But looking back… the environment was intense. Everything felt punitive. Small mistakes were treated like major offences. Teachers (not all but many) were on power trips. Detentions, exclusions, public telling-offs, it often went way too far for teenage girls just trying to survive school.

I’ve realised as an adult that the emotional culture at that school genuinely did a number on me. I’m successful and doing well, but I still find myself being overly hard on myself or feeling like a “failure” over small things, and I can trace a lot of that back to how discipline was handled there.

AIBU to think that academically “excellent” schools can still be emotionally damaging?

And for those who went to similar schools, would you / did you send your daughters to the same type of environment?

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 possibly went to the same school, or a very similar one, in the early 2000s though.

It was a very high achieving state grammar (top 25% - so not as tough as some of the ones in England), but streamed within that by class. In the top set of 9 the majority went to Oxbridge. There were loads of extracurriculars - sports, music, drama, debating - but big enough that it felt like most found their tribe. I absolutely loved it and thrived, found it inspiring that there were other nerds like me. No behaviour issues at all, no eating disorders that I was aware of, no bullying that I can remember.

I think it’s common to feel imposter syndrome, especially as a high achieving woman, and high achievers are also often perfectionists and prone to anxiety. I wouldn’t necessarily ascribe those traits to your school experience - it’s much more likely that you got into a selective high achieving grammar in the first place because you had those traits.

Ive been lucky in life to have been driven but also resilient and not at all a perfectionist, so did well at my top grammar, did well at Cambridge, now enjoy my intense city career. It’s not for everyone but that doesn’t mean that the people or the environments are at fault as such, just not necessarily a good match.

Well honestly I think high achievers in general have higher standard which can be translated to being harsh to themselves. I am one of them and I think it has pros and cons. I have financial security and maintain a healthy weight (no weight gain since I was an adult), but I do find myself sometimes being over criticizing towards myself. It’s a curse and a blessing.

I went to a private school...not so academic but very high achieving for sports. I am not at all sporty...no idea what parents were thinking. Very damaged as a result! Loved the comp I was in year 7-9. Dd is thriving in same comp...i think the social scene is just as important. As academia for teens.

I went to a highly academic all-girls London private school on a full scholarship. For me it was a good experience - I came out with excellent exam results and went to Cambridge, and was also mainly happy at school and was never made to feel awkward about my parents not paying the fees. I know that some of my friends felt overly pressured though. My DC are attending a good mixed-sex state comp and are thriving there.

I agree with this. Everyone has got some kind of ‘trauma’ nowadays.
Years ago, it was just difficult stuff you dealt with and you didn’t think about where it came from, just how to overcome it. Now it seems everyone wants to be able to pinpoint their trauma to something so they can overanalyse it to death.
People deal with things in different ways. I went to school with people who developed eating disorders, drug addictions etc, but equally a lot of people didn’t. They might blame school for it, but equally there may be a huge number of other factors that have lead to that. I think the innate human character plays a huge part and people don’t like to admit that.

Wish I’d gone somewhere like that. I wonder if the people who went to selective schools realise what it was like to be a “nerd” or “geek” in a comprehensive. The teachers instilled in everyone from the outset that nobody would amount to much, even us ‘clever’ ones. I have huge imposter syndrome and always found that my friends from uni who had been privately educated or gone to a selective school had an innate inner confidence that I just never did.

Yup that was fun wasn’t it? Trying not to stick your head over the parapet with your peers because being clever was social death while also trying not to disappoint the teachers who knew you were one of the few engaged kids.

To be fair to the OP, I guess it’s a case of horses for courses and bumping along the bottom of a highly academic school is probably not much fun either. That said, it’s not as though parents have the choice of every school in the world to send their kids to and it’s a bespoke fit. It’s the best of what’s available to them. Like I wouldn’t actively choose Michaela but I might if the alternative was a failing school with metal detectors at the gate and a low aspiration culture.

I think @Anusername has a good point that being self critical is also part of the personality of many high performers. It’s not necessarily about what school you went to. For academically high performing women of a certain age ( 40’s/ 50’s) you were also growing up in a culture where that wasn’t valued so it’s not just about schools. It’s about every message that you absorbed.

I had a look at the girls’ grammar near me and was horrified by being told by pupils how they were regularly “supported” at lunch times to
improve poor test scores, how a bright and sporty girl told me she was dumb despite passing the 11+ and then hearing from a sixth former how lessons were good once you got to Year 10 when friendship issues were sorted out.

Nope. Not for DD.

My own experience of education is very poor, one of the 2 worst comps in a big city where any qualifications were in-spite of my school, not because of it.

I’m not sure which is worse to be honest.

My DD did and is now in her 20s. There have been multiple effects from it which have severely impacted her life at times. She has two friends - one of whom has been diagnosed with PTSD from her time at secondary and the other also has experienced major issues. It was a combination of the pressure, not being made to feel good enough and also the bitchiness of some of the other girls.

Very high achieving all girls’ faith school.

No issues here. In fact, I absolutely loved it. I’d have sent mine there like a shot if they’d been girls and we lived in the area.

I am still very close friends with 5 girls I met there. We’ve all breezed through school, did well and had a lot of fun.

@DelurkingAJ the Head was on record as saying that ‘all Cs at maths was been than 10 As and one D’.

What on earth does the bolded mean?

I think this sort of discipline does have an impact, but i also think that this style of discipline is present outside of grammar schools too. Maybe not the pressure to achieve a high result, but its more pressure being told if you dont get a 4 in maths and english you have to retake/will never get a job, wont get to do your course, if you are at a 3.

I also think whether your parents back up the messaging or not makes a difference and I do think some people have a perfectionist personality type and probably find a strict school worse than others. My son just appeared in the world a perfectionist and we've had to work very hard to get him to not be.

It means I can’t type, sorry.

The head in question told the parent of a friend (when asked about provision for bright children) that he would rather straight Cs than a clutch of As and one D. And that therefore there was no provision for bright children.

I feel that being at a selective school has made all my bright kids feel stupid. But equally I could see them being bullied at the local comp, especially my son. So who knows what's best.

I fit like a glove at my highly selective all girls school. When my dd turned out like me (academic, geeky, conscientious), I sent her there, too.

It works for genuinely intellectually curious self starters. It also works surprisingly well for academically able neurodiverse girls - the teachers are delighted to support special interests and largely seem to enjoy teaching girls who think differently.

It really doesn’t work for academically able girls who just want to do the minimum to cover the syllabus and get spoon fed into high marks. Or for those girls who passed the entrance exam (maybe with a lot of tutoring) but are right at the bottom of the ability range in the school for all subjects - it seems to be ok if they’re (relatively!) weak in a few subjects as that gets less important as they choose GCSE and A level options. I can see how it would be a really difficult experience, and leave a mark.

High performing girls school here. It was great for me as I found my friends and was able to be my nerdy self and achieve academically. There was bitchiness and homophobia. I was low-level bullied for a year. Some of the teachers weren't up to it but got away with it because the kids were smart. I think I would have found a different school much harder.

We are all a product of our experiences. Babies don’t just pop out pre programmed to have certain thoughts or behaviours as adults.

Double post

I think it’s a bit simplistic to say that high achieving girls schools cause these issues. It’s a combination of the individual and the environment.
I absolutely loved my selective grammar girls school as does my DD hers.
However, my cousins (different families) had variable experiences- one didn’t enjoy their time at a selective and another had a torid time at their comprehensive.

Same here. My school was rough and you just kept your head down and tried to pass exams. There was no confidence building. I would have loved to go to a girls' school. My dd is at a state girls school now and her confidence is great and what she is achieving is great. They are supportive and kind.

Yes. I went to a very academic private girls school from a state primary that was just as you describe and I am so, so grateful that my parents did this for me.

I think it's difficult to emerge from one's teenage years completely unscathed wherever you went to school.

yes, same here!

I think this is the culture in lots of state academies now, especially the ones with a "good" reputation. They are not pleasant environments to be in. And then we wonder why so many children refuse school.

My sister had a similar experience at the local girls grammar school (admittedly many years ago). Seeing how it’s impacted her, even to this day, was the main reason that I didn’t put my daughter in for the eleven plus earlier this year. I’m sure it’s not all academically pushy schools that are like this, and maybe there’s a question about some personalities being better able to withstand that sort of environment without absorbing the negative messaging (not that it’s the fault of those who aren’t), but I think it’s a very real risk and bizarrely I’m glad I was the less academically able sister.

Are you talking about HB @StrictSchoolSurvivor ?

If yes, I refused to even visit or let my girls try for it after a friend (really into her selective academic schools) visited and said she wasn't going to send her daughter there