Did anyone else go to a “high-achieving” girls’ school that left them with low-level trauma?

[StrictSchoolSurvivor]

I went to a very high-performing state girls’ school in London. On paper it was brilliant - great results, strict standards, strong reputation. I did well academically, stayed through sixth form, went to uni for my BSc and later my MSc.

But looking back… the environment was intense. Everything felt punitive. Small mistakes were treated like major offences. Teachers (not all but many) were on power trips. Detentions, exclusions, public telling-offs, it often went way too far for teenage girls just trying to survive school.

I’ve realised as an adult that the emotional culture at that school genuinely did a number on me. I’m successful and doing well, but I still find myself being overly hard on myself or feeling like a “failure” over small things, and I can trace a lot of that back to how discipline was handled there.

AIBU to think that academically “excellent” schools can still be emotionally damaging?

And for those who went to similar schools, would you / did you send your daughters to the same type of environment?

I agree with this, having being to many different schools, both state and private in the UK and abroad (moved between two countries).

There are benefits and disadvantages to hot-housing private schools and the same goes for state schools. I went to one of the largest state schools in the UK for most of secondary and I would say I carry low-level trauma from those four years. But if I've been to a private secondary instead, the same would probably apply.

School is simply something to be survived for so many people.

I can't say you're unreasonable, as it is your experience, but I find it very interesting.

I went to a high-performing girls school abroad and I can't recognise any trauma, as we knew we were there because we were bright and most people just buckles down and got on with it. There is and always has been a huge focus on doing well academically, so we just accepted that as par for the course.

My daughter attended a similar school here and I remember the headteacher having a talk with them very early on about managing their mental health. She said high-achieving girls are notorious for 'putting themselves under extreme pressure/having very high standards for themselves ' in a way that boys just don't; and it induces anxiety, feelings of failure and never 'achieving enough' even when they have excellent grades.

It's interesting to see the contrast between your assessment and hers, and I wonder how much is the school vs the girls themselves.

DD is at one of these schools and because she is fairly robust and naturally clever she is ok - but the place is littered with eating disorders, low self esteem and some fairly dodgy risk taking behaviour outside of school. While I think she will come out with amazing exam results, I'm not sure how much fun she is having and I would like a more balanced environment where it's not all about "excellence".

I had significant trauma for being bullied at my low achieving comp. I went to a top girls' grammar for sixth form and it healed me a lot. The girls who'd come up through the school were all kind and confident, no bullying.

Obviously hot house schooling isn't comparable to growing up in a war zone, or an abusive household. The OP acknowledged this though in the post title by referring to it as low level trauma.
It's quite possible though for a child from a war zone to experience extreme trauma and for someone who daily heard for 5-7 of their formative years that they weren't smart enough and needed to try harder (despite being very smart and already trying very hard) to have lower level trauma.

Girls grammar, usually top 10 or so. Overall I loved it. There were high standards, some lazy teachers but generally I had a good experience and would choose the same for my daughter.

I definitely prefer a ‘hot house’ environment than one full of constant disruption.

I went to an all-girls' grammar school in Kent in the 1970s. The teaching was thorough, although looking back on it the curriculum was narrow and rather "traditional"; and the majority of resources - and all the prestige - were thrown at sports and the STEM subjects.

Most of the staff thought it was still the 1950s and the headmistress was convinced it was still the 1930s. The headmistress - Miss D - wasn't just out-of-touch, she was in a completely different reality. She was a consummate bitch and did her damnedest to make every single girl's school experience a personalised hell. In my case, she always spoke to me as though simultaneously trying to hold her breath, leaving me to fret that I smelled bad. My O Level results were on the whole respectable: three As, four Bs...and an E for maths. She focused upon that E and harangued me about how unreasonably I'd behaved, because "people who are good at Latin are also good at maths, because Latin is a logical language and maths is a logical subject".

There was already a long-established Old Girls' Association which organised an annual reunion. Miss D was so unpopular that every year's sixth-formers, upon leaving, completely cut contact with the school and refused to join the association. There was a 13-year gap in their membership records which perfectly coincided with Miss D's years at the helm. Some of us kept in touch with one another but never with the school.

...Anyway, after 30 years away nine of us (out of 60) felt brave enough to go back for a few hours, although we had a piss-up catch-up pub lunch first to fortify ourselves against the more unsettling memories. The school librarian - who was writing a history of the school - fell upon us, begging to hear what our time there had been like, because there was no other information available at all. The classes of 1970-1983 were known to the staff as "the lost generation". We were honest with her and I think we simply confirmed her worst suspicions.

Some deluded soul from a couple of years above me was trying to be a recruiting-sergeant for the school and asked me if I'd considered sending my own daughters there. I replied a little too loudly, "This place left me so screwed-up, I'm home-educating my own kids!"

Trauma can come in many forms. You don't have to have grown up in a war zone to experience trauma. Its not insulting at all. Many children found school traumatic. It's not a competition.

I think that the sensitive, high achieving girls who didnt enjoy highly rated schools would have significantly greater trauma had they attended schools with an persistent undercurrent of sexual assault as 'boys being boys' or where the most positive thing that could be said of five years was 'I only got stabbed the once and my exam results weren't too bad at the end of it'.

My daughters had very mixed experiences at the same academically selective girls' grammar school. DD1 did very well, DD2 found her time there traumatising to the extent that she developed alarming dissociative symptoms, and DD3 would probably have been fine but she asked us to let her move to a comprehensive school at the same time as her sister because she felt she'd be happier with the sort of peer group she'd had in primary school.

My sister and I also had v different experiences of same school. Part of it was personality/ ethic/ approach and part of it was just that her year was unbelievably toxic (I know teachers aren't meant to refer to "bad years" but we all know they exist and hers was just awful). Not my parent's fault as no way of knowing what Dsis's year would be like.

I went to an all girls grammar and sometimes wish we had them where we live now for my girls. For me my grammar was great as I coasted along at the top and was sporty too. Dd is 12 and is in S1 and the behaviour is so much worse in her school. She’s bored academically as well. Dd was amazed when I said the teachers didn’t need seating plans, you just chose your own seat!

I went to an all girls independent, very high achieving academically and extra curricular, top 10 in league tables etc and I left feeling like a bit of a failure as I wasn't as good as the rest. Not the same discipline as you describe though, I remember it as being fairly laid back re behaviour compared to current discipline styles. Loads of girls with eating disorders and self harm, and so I swore I wouldn't send my daughter into a similar environment.

So off she went to the local mixed comprehensive, 12 form entry, and she lasted a term before she had a total burnout and had to take 18 months off school! The behaviour of the other children was awful, children were unkind and bullying was just accepted as the norm, there weren't enough teachers to go around and her (mild) SEN needs were not met due to lack of funding and available staff. Her experience was so much worse than mine, I now count myself as very lucky that I went to the school I did. She's now in a small independent and thriving. In conclusion, I think all schools are mildly traumatic but if you went to a high achieving one you probably got off lightly.

Oh wow @IkaBaar, I posted upthread to say that I'd had a positive experience at my all girls independent school, but I just had an unexpectedly negative response to reading your post! When you were having any friendship issues it was soooo stressful choosing who to sit with!

Being contrary here I went to a bog standard mixed comp when a high achieving girls school was an option

I genuinely feel traumatised by the experience I had. Teachers on power trips like you said and badly behaved brats pandered to. Chaos in class if a teacher wasn’t well respected

I think it’s crucial that the school fits the individual if it doesn’t misery ensues no matter what school it is

I still feel resentful in the reverse of your post that I didn’t attend a highly academic school

Yes I did, has taken me years to learn to live with and negatively shaped my a life and self worth for a long time.

My DD actually goes to the same school. It has obviously changed in the last [ahem] decades but seeing the change from a harsh, academically pressured sink or swim environment to a wonderfully supportive, pupil centric and nurturing environment where she is beyond thriving was cathartic and put my demons to rest. Also a school reunion where I compared notes with others and realised it was just as awful for others and much worse for some.

I was the opposite - I went to a really awful comp where nothing was set and I learnt nothing - I would much rather have had the opportunity you had.

I went to a small private girls school for a couple of years. It was very relaxed and nurturing. There were no punishments as there were no behaviour problems. Any exam pressure I put on myself but teaching was in the whole really high standard and I think results were good.