My boyfriend (20) and I (20) have been together for more than 4 years, and his friendships have always been an ongoing issue for me.
When we first started dating, he introduced me to his friends. It took me quite a while to actually start liking them. Now, 4 years later, I do like them, but I don’t love them.
At the beginning of our relationship, we would go out every other weekend night. His parents were divorced so he could only see them every other week, and because I would often be there on the weekend, I would also go out with them because I wanted to be with my boyfriend for as long as I could before I went back to my mum’s house. Back then he would sometimes say no to his friends and stay in with me (when we were at his mum’s) or even come to my mum’s house and “sacrifice” his time with them. At that time we lived over an hour away from each other and didn’t have our driving licences, so that felt like a big effort from him.
We’ve now been living together for a year, and his attachment to his friends is still an issue. I feel like it has actually got worse. I have gone above and beyond to make an effort: I go out with him every single time, and I even invited his friends for the last days of our 12 day trip we took to Greece (they came for 5 days) because it would make him smile and happy. He always has a resting bitch face - except with them.
Despite all that, he acts like he’s doing me a huge favour by “going out for less time” (going out for 3 hours instead of 6 hours and every single evening). I always have to go out with him, otherwise he says that I am ruining his evening. I end up always complaining and having a mini tantrum because I really don’t want to go out. I am an introvert, I love staying home with him. I’m less keen on being by myself, but honestly I would rather stay alone than have to keep seeing his friends all the time.
Our apartment also became the new designated place to hang out. I recently snapped about that and said I’d had enough, and they haven’t come since (it’s been about a week). But before that, it felt like our home was basically their hangout spot.
I even invited him to New York for a family trip (my family that loves him), but he said he didn’t want to come and prefers going skiing with his friends. Mind you he doesn’t like skiing and he says he doesn’t like the US, even though he’s never been there. One of his arguments was the price of going to NY, but the ski trip is actually about 200–400€ more expensive. It’s not that I care that he’s going skiing, it’s that he gave me a shitty excuse instead of clearly saying that he prefers being with his friends over being with me.
A typical weekday for us looks like this:
- We both get up at 7.30 am.
- He goes to work at 8 am while I stay in bed watching a video or learning.
- He comes home to eat at 12.15 pm (everything is always ready and waiting for him).
- We finish eating at 12.30 pm.
- We watch a video on YouTube until 12.50 pm.
- Then he gets up and goes to the loo until it’s time for him to leave at 1.10 pm.
- He comes home from work at 5 pm, and then it’s just phone, TV, eat, friends, bed.
(I have really tried to get us out of all the screen time loop by playing board games, but he just isn't that interested.)
I always complain that he never makes time just for me. He is always on his phone (Insta reels), and we never have a proper conversation.
The funny thing is, one of his other friends comes over quite often and the friend and I usually sit and talk until 3 am. So clearly I'm capable of long, engaged conversations…
I’ve also tried and tried to get out of this shitty routine and "make us" spend time together.
We used to go on walks every Sunday, and now he brings one of his friends with us.
We used to go swimming together, and now that same friend comes too. (I really like this friend, but too much is just too much.)
We used to go to a restaurant once a week, and now we don’t, or we rarely go unless his friend is there as well.
What also really hurts is that he doesn’t see the difference between:
- not going out because his friends can’t go out, and
- not going out because he actually wants to stay in and spend time with me.
For him, both are the same: “I stayed home, what’s the problem?”
For me, one means “I chose you”, the other means “my plans fell through so I’m with you by default”.
By the way we’ve just bought an apartment together (50/50) so I don’t want to break up or move out. I just want solutions.
Other than this issue, he is a very nice, loving man - just no romantic gestures anymore. But this whole situation is genuinely heartbreaking. I constantly feel like the plan B.
I really don’t want to break up, but I want this problem to stop. I want him to see that it’s killing me (I’ve told him a trillion times).
Should I just stop doing things if he brings a friend again? Am I being unreasonable to feel like he loves his friends more than me and that I’m always second place?
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to let it out.
(Btw I do have friends, I see them during the day, but I just don't have the need to be with my friends all the bloody time).