AIBU to feel like my boyfriend loves his friends more than me?

[imtryingtoimprove]

My boyfriend (20) and I (20) have been together for more than 4 years, and his friendships have always been an ongoing issue for me.

When we first started dating, he introduced me to his friends. It took me quite a while to actually start liking them. Now, 4 years later, I do like them, but I don’t love them.
At the beginning of our relationship, we would go out every other weekend night. His parents were divorced so he could only see them every other week, and because I would often be there on the weekend, I would also go out with them because I wanted to be with my boyfriend for as long as I could before I went back to my mum’s house. Back then he would sometimes say no to his friends and stay in with me (when we were at his mum’s) or even come to my mum’s house and “sacrifice” his time with them. At that time we lived over an hour away from each other and didn’t have our driving licences, so that felt like a big effort from him.

We’ve now been living together for a year, and his attachment to his friends is still an issue. I feel like it has actually got worse. I have gone above and beyond to make an effort: I go out with him every single time, and I even invited his friends for the last days of our 12 day trip we took to Greece (they came for 5 days) because it would make him smile and happy. He always has a resting bitch face - except with them.
Despite all that, he acts like he’s doing me a huge favour by “going out for less time” (going out for 3 hours instead of 6 hours and every single evening). I always have to go out with him, otherwise he says that I am ruining his evening. I end up always complaining and having a mini tantrum because I really don’t want to go out. I am an introvert, I love staying home with him. I’m less keen on being by myself, but honestly I would rather stay alone than have to keep seeing his friends all the time.
Our apartment also became the new designated place to hang out. I recently snapped about that and said I’d had enough, and they haven’t come since (it’s been about a week). But before that, it felt like our home was basically their hangout spot.

I even invited him to New York for a family trip (my family that loves him), but he said he didn’t want to come and prefers going skiing with his friends. Mind you he doesn’t like skiing and he says he doesn’t like the US, even though he’s never been there. One of his arguments was the price of going to NY, but the ski trip is actually about 200–400€ more expensive. It’s not that I care that he’s going skiing, it’s that he gave me a shitty excuse instead of clearly saying that he prefers being with his friends over being with me.

A typical weekday for us looks like this:

• We both get up at 7.30 am.
• He goes to work at 8 am while I stay in bed watching a video or learning.
• He comes home to eat at 12.15 pm (everything is always ready and waiting for him).
• We finish eating at 12.30 pm.
• We watch a video on YouTube until 12.50 pm.
• Then he gets up and goes to the loo until it’s time for him to leave at 1.10 pm.
• He comes home from work at 5 pm, and then it’s just phone, TV, eat, friends, bed.

(I have really tried to get us out of all the screen time loop by playing board games, but he just isn't that interested.) I always complain that he never makes time just for me. He is always on his phone (Insta reels), and we never have a proper conversation. The funny thing is, one of his other friends comes over quite often and the friend and I usually sit and talk until 3 am. So clearly I'm capable of long, engaged conversations…

I’ve also tried and tried to get out of this shitty routine and "make us" spend time together.
We used to go on walks every Sunday, and now he brings one of his friends with us.
We used to go swimming together, and now that same friend comes too. (I really like this friend, but too much is just too much.)
We used to go to a restaurant once a week, and now we don’t, or we rarely go unless his friend is there as well.

What also really hurts is that he doesn’t see the difference between:

• not going out because his friends can’t go out, and
• not going out because he actually wants to stay in and spend time with me.

For him, both are the same: “I stayed home, what’s the problem?” For me, one means “I chose you”, the other means “my plans fell through so I’m with you by default”.

By the way we’ve just bought an apartment together (50/50) so I don’t want to break up or move out. I just want solutions.
Other than this issue, he is a very nice, loving man - just no romantic gestures anymore. But this whole situation is genuinely heartbreaking. I constantly feel like the plan B.
I really don’t want to break up, but I want this problem to stop. I want him to see that it’s killing me (I’ve told him a trillion times).

Should I just stop doing things if he brings a friend again? Am I being unreasonable to feel like he loves his friends more than me and that I’m always second place?

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to let it out.
(Btw I do have friends, I see them during the day, but I just don't have the need to be with my friends all the bloody time).

You want to be like a married couple.

He wants to be like a normal 20-year-old with a girlfriend.

You've just got totally different expectations of what your lifestyle should be. I don't think you're at all compatible.

This is the same boyfriend that likes going to the casino until the early hours according to your other thread?

You are not compatible and nothing will ever change.

OP, respectfully, your way of thinking seems incredibly rigid for such a young person. It sounds to me as if you are hiding from life by having started this ridiculously all-encompassing relationship when you were sixteen, and now you’re cross he’s not retreated from life to the same extent as you. He’s not doing anything wrong. Of course his friends are fully as important to him as you. They were in his life before you were and they’ll be in his life after you. He doesn’t want to live like a 96 year old in a care home, with a woman who hardly ever leaves the house unless she’s bolted to his side. You only get one life, OP. End this suffocating nonsense, and go and embrace life. Study, travel, work, make new friends, develop new passions, date different kinds of people. Ask yourself why you’ve tried so hard to tie yourself down.

Relationships are not trade deals.

with these parameters he’ll be feeling trapped and you’ll be keeping tabs on whether he keeps his end of the bargain.

you were grown up enough to buy a property together, so you are also grown up enough to sell that property and take control of your life.

it’s tough being in this position. I’ve been there myself - always wanting what I wouldn’t get from the person that I loved. At your age as well. Waiting for them to fulfil your needs, and spending all your energy fulfilling theirs is so eroding of sense of self and depressing I can only urge you to grow into yourself and decide what makes you happy outside of being in a relationship.

you need to develop your own emotional/resilience capital without a partner. Life is hard and long and we need a strong sense of self to ride its many waves.

good luck.

What are you going to do, make a colour-coded wall planner with nights in and out and make him sign it? It should not be this hard at 30, let alone 20.

Can you not get a part-time job?
That will help you in the future

And you need to split up - all this is suffocating for both of you

I think you’ve both been together from such a young age that you’re missing out on being 20. You’re ready to settle down and have a married life by the sounds of it but he wants to go out and have fun. Nothings wrong with what you both want but you don’t currently want the same thing.

I think you spend a lot of time waiting around to do stuff together. I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 but we need to make sure we live our own lives as doing every single thing together just gets tedious.

Does he need to come home for lunch everyday? Could you go out and do things for yourself during the day? I know you’ll be in full time education come January but maybe look at a temporary seasonal job just now to give you something else to focus on.

You need to decide what you want in life, but you can’t force him to see his friends less. Suggesting 20 nights isn’t a compromise, sorry but it feels controlling.

I know you love each other dearly but sometimes love changes and your love can feel quite restrictive. It might be a good idea to let each other live your own lives and see what happens.

OP, the overwhelming advice on this thread has been to break up with him because you're incompatible, and it's all correct. There's no ambiguity about it. It's not a complicated situation.

I would also add that you do need to work on yourself - not for the sake of this relationship (which should end) but for the sake of your future relationships. You have certain ideas that are really quite unhealthy.

I knew this would probably be everyone’s answer, but I really want to keep trying and figure something out — maybe a way to work on myself, or for him to finally open his eyes.

You should never think of your partner as someone who needs to "finally open their eyes". Their eyes are open. They might not see life in the same way as you, and that's OK. It is incredibly patronising to think that you can make them see life "properly" (ie, your way) and incredibly pointless to think you can actually change them.

Your partners - both your current one and your future ones - are who they are. You need to accept them for exactly who they are, or not go out with them. Men are not projects for you to mould.

And I know that he loves me deeply he is just shit at showing it.

No no no no no. There's no such thing as "loving deeply but being shit at showing it". There would be no point in loving someone deeply but never showing them. What benefit is that to anyone?

People show love in different ways but if they don't actually show it, then what you think is love is just your imagination.

This is a terrible idea which will make both of you resent each other even more than you already do.

You're telling us about the precise timing of your partner's bowel movements. Why?

What do you do all day? I'd say you need to be less dependent on him. Go out with your friends. Do a hobby.

I think you need to work on having your own life and desires. It seems like this relationship is your whole life.

I’ll go against the grain and think it sounds excessive for him to be so invested with friends over a girlfriend (or partner in this case) you’ve bought a flat together with and live with full time. You are very young however to have done that at your age and most of your peers will not be in similar circumstances so I think he will be trying to keep in with them. You don’t sound very compatible but it seems to me that you are the one doing the compromising and he doesn’t seem to prioritise the relationship in any significant way for you. He could do that once or twice a week even. I had friends at your age with long term partners and they would do stuff alone or have nights in a few times per week.

Ive had similar, not a bf, but someone with supposed romantic interest in me that only wanted to see me/meet up doing things with his friends or interests. When I suggested something or going to my flat he would decline it. This didn’t go anywhere ultimately but he was hurt when I started dating someone else, but I still don’t understand what he expected. 🤷‍♀️ I would ask your boyfriend what he expects from you or your relationship going forward as it seems to be going in different directions and if he’s willing to meet you in the middle as you have done for him.

Your relationship is over. It’s practically in neon flashing lights.

This relationship has run its course. He prefers his friends to you, why would you want to stay with him?

Your options are you leave, or you stay put and wait until he is actually ready to settle down in about 10-15 years and hope he doesn’t have his head turned in the meantime.

This sounds like you are living the lives of the 40 plus … not 20 somethings! You’ve been together for 4 years … so since 16 acting like an old married couple, it sounds boring and you are both wasting your younger years … there is plenty of time to stay in!! I think if this carries on he’ll end up resenting you and you’ll break up.

It’s more like the lives of ninety-plus and in poor health! I’m 53, with a child, a husband and a job, and I see friends and go out all the time. I couldn’t live the way the OP describes for a week. Her life consists solely of hanging around waiting for him in the daytime, watching videos on,Une and resentfully going out with him at night.

You just need to get some friends of your own

You sound like you have none
You sound like he is your whole existence You sound like you're old and tired of life and just want to stay at home with him.

When you cease to be permanently available for him then you'll find out who he prefers

You seem very fixated on having a timetable or schedule. You include watching YouTube into your daily activities at a set time which shows how ridgid your mindset is (it's not a bad thing!). You can't expect others to be the same as you. He is clearly more flexible and spontaneous, perhaps excessively so outside of the house to compensate for the rigidity at home.

Neither of you should have to change because you are who you are, but this doesn't sound like a happy coupling to me. Eventually you'll feel isolated and he'll feel stifled.

If you currently have 2 properties, which it sounds like you do, why don't you stay in your dad's apartment with a flatmate and he stays in the one you both own with a flatmate until he can buy you out?

1. Have a grown up conversation with him: you can even say that you love him, but love is not enough to make a long term relationship work and your values are different and are unlikely to change so you should wish each other well and go on your own paths
2. Sell your joint investment property and split the proceeds fairly depending on the investment / agreement you made when you bought it
3. He should start looking for somewhere else to live, you should start looking for a new flatmate.

You do not need to change, and neither does he. BUT you should not be in a relationship with him. It's not fair on either of you.

What about your own friends? Don't you go out with them? And do you not work? You haven't mentioned going out anywhere in the day.

I read that you have to go out with him to see his friends because he wants you there to hold his hand. And if you do t go out his evening is ruined.

this is controlling behaviour.

what happens if you don’t go out with him in the evening and want to see your friends?

I think you might value being single for a while to feel confident in yourself and standing up for your needs.

don’t worry about the house. It can be sold.

Bluntly it sounds like you are caught between two abusive men.

1. the partner sounds emotionally abusive. He won’t go out without you, he insists he needs you there. he comes home for lunch everyday, why? Is he checking up on you? You have to invite his friends on your holiday. These are not the actions of a man who loves you.

2. Your father who owns the flat you live in. He is financially abusive if he would rather you stay with the BF to ensure the rent is paid in full.

Get some help to get some perspective on your situation.

Resting bitch face with you but not his friends, not having a good time unless his friends are there, wanting at least one friend around all the time? I’m sorry but the signs are there. He doesn’t particularly want to be in this relationship by the sounds of it but feels invested because of the living arrangements, his family your family…you’re both so young! If there’s problems now and you’re stuck in a rut, I don’t see this ending well. You shouldn’t have to work this hard to have a relationship, you’re not a good match. Sorry it’s not what you want to hear but you all started dating at 16, you’ve not lived really, I’d sit down, discuss it and see what he wants…don’t guilt him into staying with you, that never ends well later on! If you decide to call it a day, better now than ten years wasted later.

You are both SO young,

If it's not working anymore, then there's nothing wrong with calling it quits.

I’ve got a DS your age and I’d be upset if he was in a relationship that was like a middle aged couple who’ve been married 30 years.

You’re so young and have so much life left. Don’t waste your youth being old before your time and trying to force a relationship that’s run its course.