AIBU to feel like my boyfriend loves his friends more than me?

[imtryingtoimprove]

My boyfriend (20) and I (20) have been together for more than 4 years, and his friendships have always been an ongoing issue for me.

When we first started dating, he introduced me to his friends. It took me quite a while to actually start liking them. Now, 4 years later, I do like them, but I don’t love them.
At the beginning of our relationship, we would go out every other weekend night. His parents were divorced so he could only see them every other week, and because I would often be there on the weekend, I would also go out with them because I wanted to be with my boyfriend for as long as I could before I went back to my mum’s house. Back then he would sometimes say no to his friends and stay in with me (when we were at his mum’s) or even come to my mum’s house and “sacrifice” his time with them. At that time we lived over an hour away from each other and didn’t have our driving licences, so that felt like a big effort from him.

We’ve now been living together for a year, and his attachment to his friends is still an issue. I feel like it has actually got worse. I have gone above and beyond to make an effort: I go out with him every single time, and I even invited his friends for the last days of our 12 day trip we took to Greece (they came for 5 days) because it would make him smile and happy. He always has a resting bitch face - except with them.
Despite all that, he acts like he’s doing me a huge favour by “going out for less time” (going out for 3 hours instead of 6 hours and every single evening). I always have to go out with him, otherwise he says that I am ruining his evening. I end up always complaining and having a mini tantrum because I really don’t want to go out. I am an introvert, I love staying home with him. I’m less keen on being by myself, but honestly I would rather stay alone than have to keep seeing his friends all the time.
Our apartment also became the new designated place to hang out. I recently snapped about that and said I’d had enough, and they haven’t come since (it’s been about a week). But before that, it felt like our home was basically their hangout spot.

I even invited him to New York for a family trip (my family that loves him), but he said he didn’t want to come and prefers going skiing with his friends. Mind you he doesn’t like skiing and he says he doesn’t like the US, even though he’s never been there. One of his arguments was the price of going to NY, but the ski trip is actually about 200–400€ more expensive. It’s not that I care that he’s going skiing, it’s that he gave me a shitty excuse instead of clearly saying that he prefers being with his friends over being with me.

A typical weekday for us looks like this:

• We both get up at 7.30 am.
• He goes to work at 8 am while I stay in bed watching a video or learning.
• He comes home to eat at 12.15 pm (everything is always ready and waiting for him).
• We finish eating at 12.30 pm.
• We watch a video on YouTube until 12.50 pm.
• Then he gets up and goes to the loo until it’s time for him to leave at 1.10 pm.
• He comes home from work at 5 pm, and then it’s just phone, TV, eat, friends, bed.

(I have really tried to get us out of all the screen time loop by playing board games, but he just isn't that interested.) I always complain that he never makes time just for me. He is always on his phone (Insta reels), and we never have a proper conversation. The funny thing is, one of his other friends comes over quite often and the friend and I usually sit and talk until 3 am. So clearly I'm capable of long, engaged conversations…

I’ve also tried and tried to get out of this shitty routine and "make us" spend time together.
We used to go on walks every Sunday, and now he brings one of his friends with us.
We used to go swimming together, and now that same friend comes too. (I really like this friend, but too much is just too much.)
We used to go to a restaurant once a week, and now we don’t, or we rarely go unless his friend is there as well.

What also really hurts is that he doesn’t see the difference between:

• not going out because his friends can’t go out, and
• not going out because he actually wants to stay in and spend time with me.

For him, both are the same: “I stayed home, what’s the problem?” For me, one means “I chose you”, the other means “my plans fell through so I’m with you by default”.

By the way we’ve just bought an apartment together (50/50) so I don’t want to break up or move out. I just want solutions.
Other than this issue, he is a very nice, loving man - just no romantic gestures anymore. But this whole situation is genuinely heartbreaking. I constantly feel like the plan B.
I really don’t want to break up, but I want this problem to stop. I want him to see that it’s killing me (I’ve told him a trillion times).

Should I just stop doing things if he brings a friend again? Am I being unreasonable to feel like he loves his friends more than me and that I’m always second place?

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to let it out.
(Btw I do have friends, I see them during the day, but I just don't have the need to be with my friends all the bloody time).

Op you are an introvert. He's an extrovert. Trying to bend him to your will won't work. Time to move on

Oh come on now, you dont stay with someone who isnt right for you because breaking up causes you some administration. Yes, you'll have to sell the joint apartment and you'll have to find a room mate. Thoes are not big things in comparison to trying to force a relationship that isnt right.

You don’t have to break up but you have to realise that spending a lot of time with friends is a completely normal thing to do when you’re 20 years old. Most people don’t really stop doing this until they start settling down to have children!

You don’t want to go out with him, so don’t. Don’t put yourself in situations all the time that don’t make you happy. If he loves his friends so much I’m sure he’ll be fine spending time with them without you.

I feel like you need to broaden your horizons a little bit. It sounds as though your life revolves around him and your apartment. Make some more friends, go out with them from time to time, or invite them over for dinner and drinks. Find a hobby. Grow into an independent person, rather than one half of a couple.

Why arent you living in your apartment that you bought?

Sorry to add to the 'you're so young' chorus, but you were 15 when you started going out together and you're still only 20. Most romantic relationships at that age break up and it's the friends who are the constant, long into 20s/30s and some for a lifetime so he's right for them to mean a lot now and for the foreseeable. And as a 20yo homeowner, of course he's going to want his friends around to hang out. Your inclination to stay home watching youtube and cleaning house is way more unusual for a 20yo. You're not wrong to be yourself and you can't change that anyway but it does sound like it's all moved too fast for a couple so young and with significant incompatibilities. Buying a place together could have been a bad move, though it's not irreversible and it's not a reason you should both stick it out if the signs are getting stronger that this isn't a forever relationship. Young love can power through a lot of things, but it's also natural for it to change and not be enough to keep you together for the long-term. See how you go, it doesn't sound like you're at breaking point yet, but the bottom line is this is who he is and he won't and shouldn't change any more than you won't and shouldn't. It's just a mis-match and was good while it lasted.

You both sound trapped. It’s too much, too soon.

it's an investment, we are currently renting it.

So you feel trapped in an unhappy relationship because you got financially enmeshed way too soon?

Look, life is short. Yes, it will be complicated if you break up at this point, and you'll have to find a new roommate etc, but that is not a reason for you to stay in a relationship that clearly isn't working. The longer you stay, the harder it will become to walk away.

Accept that there is going to be some significant pain and discomfort in the short term. You just have to go through that, but it will be worth it in the long term.

If you stay together, you will constantly feel rejected or sidelined in favour of his friends and he will just end up resenting you for getting in the way of his social life. It won't end well. Just finish it now, your future self will thank you for not letting it drag on for longer than it needs to.

Thank you, it is well written, with nice words, thank you very much. I am going to follow your advice.

You break up with him by kindly, gently, calmly and clearly explaining that things are over. You then stick to it and don’t use it as a means to try to change him or get him to do what you want.

I’d recommend looking for a solicitor to get your finances over the property legally secured and it’s probably a sensible thing to sell it as soon as possible.

Give him a set time that he has to move out by and advertise for someone to rent the space. You can vet them when they visit and write the advert to encourage the sort of person who is compatible to contact you.

In time, it will all be ok.

You got together as children. People grown and change.

The relationship sounds intense and too much.

Its not healthy for your whole life to revolve around one person and he is well within his right to have friends that he prioritises.

This isn’t going to last the way it’s going.

Don't end your relationship on a whim following advice from strangers on the internet. Advice needs to filtered and thought about. None of us know you or your actual circumstances. The PPs have given you a lot to think about, which you should do:

• you have been in a long term relationship very young
• you have made some big financial decisions young
• you run your life around your boyfriend and seem to have little interests outside of that, if your boyfriend says he needs you, you jump.

None of this is insurmountable but you do need to develop a sense of self and what you want. Can you get some counselling through your college? I think that would be very useful in sorting out what you want. In the mean time you do not have to bend to his every whim, and he should get to have time with his friends - bur so should you and not just when he wants you to. Start seeing them when he sees his friends maybe, and throw yourself into college life.

Honestly you want to live different types of lives. At 20 he should be able to see friends and have fun and it is fine if you do not want to but shows that you want different things. You may love each other but sometimes that is not enough and you are both changing and growing in ways that appear to me that makes both of you unhappy. You can have an adult conversation with him, try and work through things but maybe the relationship has run it's course.

I love how you asked for solutions as opposed to breaking up… and everyone’s just pretty much told you to break up!

I think your situation is probably a lot more common than you think. It’s typical purely because you’re young. I disagree that you aren’t compatible because you obviously have been together for some time and have moved in together. Your lives sound very regimented in terms of your weekday example you gave. I sometimes believe that having such a regimented schedule can impact how much time is spent with each other as you’ll often see that things like eating dinner together and watching a YouTube video will class as his idea of “spending time” together.

I imagine he probably doesn’t quite understand that living together doesn’t equal time spent together. When you first move in, especially after you’ve been together a while, you kind of just feel like roommates. I moved in with my partner after 3/4 years and felt the exact same way because you suddenly get more of an insight into their everyday lifestyle and you try to figure out where you now “fit in”

I know it’s probably difficult and I’m sorry you’re feeling low about the situation but chances are - you may be overthinking it and he probably doesn’t see it as a problem. I think you should continue to encourage him to see his friends (as the moment you start saying he can’t, it becomes a tad controlling) but I would also put forward the idea that once a week you have a “date night” - doesn’t have to be a money-based thing like going out all the time - where you can just chill together. I find it easier in the run up to Xmas as things like watching a Xmas Movie & putting up the Christmas Tree with hot chocolates always sounds like a cute little date night (for me anyway).

I would also exercise your own right to hang out with your friends. Freedom within a relationship is key to allow each person the space to breathe but rather than having a mini argument and saying “you don’t have time for me” - just bring up some ideas to spend time together.

What about if we did a compromise like 20 evenings out for as long as you want, both of us. And 10 days in doing something we both like (per month). That would work for me.
What do you all think ?

I don’t have a solution, but I’d feel exactly the same as you. You should feel like a choice, and that he wants to spend time with you. Bringing a friend on a walk is crazy! I’m not sure how other people disagree with you, it’s nothing to do with ‘being young’. You deserve to feel wanted ❤️

Just stop it!

Tell him you aren’t compatible and you believe it’s best to call it a day.

his sister liking you is neither here nor there.

If you insist on staying my advice is to create your own friendship group. If you’re busy with activities and hobbies he may stop hassling you to go out.

you are very young and probably shouldn’t have committed to buying at this stage. Tbh you sound like you’re in a rut. Find someone who’s more similar.

To be honest then OP, it sounds like you're just not very compatible. I think you either accept each other for you both are and he goes out with his mates, whilst you curl up on the sofa; or you break up.

Given your ages I'm tempted to say 'plenty more fish in the sea'.

I am so glad you included information about when he uses the toilet, otherwise it would have been very difficult to pass judgement on your situation.

Just no! Op youre flogging a dead horse!

That's pretty mad, giving someone a quota of nights they're allowed out. Maybe if you were much older with a load of kids, but no way should you be operating to a timetable like this at age 20. A date night once a week is a nice idea. A rule about how many nights out you're both allowed is like a probation schedule. If someone can't enjoy themselves spontaneously in their 20s, when can they?? Honestly, I think your approach is not going to work with someone who enjoys socialising. Couples either want to spend time together and invest in that or not, it's not something you can set targets for.

you cant start with stuff like that, putting quotas on time.

He is 20 year old, but you want him to have the life of a middle aged married man, not really on that.

No.

There is nothing wrong with how he is living his life or how you live your life. However, right now, they don't work.

To be honest the idea of being in a relationship that was managed by a going out template or rota would fill me with dread.