AIBU to feel like my boyfriend loves his friends more than me?

[imtryingtoimprove]

My boyfriend (20) and I (20) have been together for more than 4 years, and his friendships have always been an ongoing issue for me.

When we first started dating, he introduced me to his friends. It took me quite a while to actually start liking them. Now, 4 years later, I do like them, but I don’t love them.
At the beginning of our relationship, we would go out every other weekend night. His parents were divorced so he could only see them every other week, and because I would often be there on the weekend, I would also go out with them because I wanted to be with my boyfriend for as long as I could before I went back to my mum’s house. Back then he would sometimes say no to his friends and stay in with me (when we were at his mum’s) or even come to my mum’s house and “sacrifice” his time with them. At that time we lived over an hour away from each other and didn’t have our driving licences, so that felt like a big effort from him.

We’ve now been living together for a year, and his attachment to his friends is still an issue. I feel like it has actually got worse. I have gone above and beyond to make an effort: I go out with him every single time, and I even invited his friends for the last days of our 12 day trip we took to Greece (they came for 5 days) because it would make him smile and happy. He always has a resting bitch face - except with them.
Despite all that, he acts like he’s doing me a huge favour by “going out for less time” (going out for 3 hours instead of 6 hours and every single evening). I always have to go out with him, otherwise he says that I am ruining his evening. I end up always complaining and having a mini tantrum because I really don’t want to go out. I am an introvert, I love staying home with him. I’m less keen on being by myself, but honestly I would rather stay alone than have to keep seeing his friends all the time.
Our apartment also became the new designated place to hang out. I recently snapped about that and said I’d had enough, and they haven’t come since (it’s been about a week). But before that, it felt like our home was basically their hangout spot.

I even invited him to New York for a family trip (my family that loves him), but he said he didn’t want to come and prefers going skiing with his friends. Mind you he doesn’t like skiing and he says he doesn’t like the US, even though he’s never been there. One of his arguments was the price of going to NY, but the ski trip is actually about 200–400€ more expensive. It’s not that I care that he’s going skiing, it’s that he gave me a shitty excuse instead of clearly saying that he prefers being with his friends over being with me.

A typical weekday for us looks like this:

• We both get up at 7.30 am.
• He goes to work at 8 am while I stay in bed watching a video or learning.
• He comes home to eat at 12.15 pm (everything is always ready and waiting for him).
• We finish eating at 12.30 pm.
• We watch a video on YouTube until 12.50 pm.
• Then he gets up and goes to the loo until it’s time for him to leave at 1.10 pm.
• He comes home from work at 5 pm, and then it’s just phone, TV, eat, friends, bed.

(I have really tried to get us out of all the screen time loop by playing board games, but he just isn't that interested.) I always complain that he never makes time just for me. He is always on his phone (Insta reels), and we never have a proper conversation. The funny thing is, one of his other friends comes over quite often and the friend and I usually sit and talk until 3 am. So clearly I'm capable of long, engaged conversations…

I’ve also tried and tried to get out of this shitty routine and "make us" spend time together.
We used to go on walks every Sunday, and now he brings one of his friends with us.
We used to go swimming together, and now that same friend comes too. (I really like this friend, but too much is just too much.)
We used to go to a restaurant once a week, and now we don’t, or we rarely go unless his friend is there as well.

What also really hurts is that he doesn’t see the difference between:

• not going out because his friends can’t go out, and
• not going out because he actually wants to stay in and spend time with me.

For him, both are the same: “I stayed home, what’s the problem?” For me, one means “I chose you”, the other means “my plans fell through so I’m with you by default”.

By the way we’ve just bought an apartment together (50/50) so I don’t want to break up or move out. I just want solutions.
Other than this issue, he is a very nice, loving man - just no romantic gestures anymore. But this whole situation is genuinely heartbreaking. I constantly feel like the plan B.
I really don’t want to break up, but I want this problem to stop. I want him to see that it’s killing me (I’ve told him a trillion times).

Should I just stop doing things if he brings a friend again? Am I being unreasonable to feel like he loves his friends more than me and that I’m always second place?

Sorry for the long post, I just needed to let it out.
(Btw I do have friends, I see them during the day, but I just don't have the need to be with my friends all the bloody time).

I understand you want to save things but if you are considering plans/allowances/compromises and he isn't, it will NEVER work. I speak from extensive experience- you can be as fair, thoughtful, reasonable (subjectively or objectively) as possible but he is living like he is because he wants to live like that. He doesn't want to change. If you put rules in place, he will pay it lip service, and maybe spend a week or 2 seeing his mates less, all the while resenting you while you tie yourself in knots trying to compensate for what he is missing (and failing most likely- not because you aren't a great person, but because you can't be everything to him) then it will regressed back to how it was and you'll be stuck in this cycle for the next 5, 10, 15 years until one of you snaps.

It's almost impossible to take advice when you are so young and right in the middle of it and you probably feel you need to try absolutely everything or you'll regret it and sunk cost fallacy so do what you need to but try not to lose yourself- look after yourself financially, emotionally etc. and concentrate of achieving the future you want, not one where you need to tolerate behaviour you hate from the person who is supposed to love you the most.

You're both 20, and have your whole lives out in front of you. Your boyfriend wanting to see his friend's is perfectly normal, and I'd expect that from someone of his age. You say you see your friend's during the day, and want to spend your time with him in the evening. He's working in the day time, so therefore isn't seeing his friends? If that's the case, then again it's normal for him to want to see his friends in the evening. There needs to be a balance between you spending time together and you both seeing friends. It's your choice not to see your friends in the evening, but that doesn't mean he has to follow suit! Surely he can spend time with you some evenings, and see his friends on others??! You sound needy and want to be with him all the time, which is suffocating. You might like being at home the majority of the time, but he clearly wants social interaction with other people. Sadly, I think you are just not compatible with each other. You are wanting him to be someone he's not, and trying to mould him to how you want him to behave. Your neediness will eventually drive him away, if you don't seek some help.

You're both unhappy in this scenario. I get it's difficult and I had to break up with someone I loved when I was my early 20s as I reached the realisation we were both fundamentally different people and at least 50% of the time if one of us was happy the other one wasn't. I'm now very happily married to a lovely guy where we both like the same stuff and enjoy the same amount of time together/ time apart and the same kind of people so have shared friends, I love him and there's not constant drama and upset

That’s horrendous. You cannot control him like that.

I get it: you're an introvert who likes to be at home. Same here. My tip is to find a fellow introvert to be in a relationship rather than trying to get an extrovert to change. He has every right to be want to be out and about and sociable, just as you have the right to want to stay in more (ignore people telling you there's something wrong with you for being an introvert or wanting to be at home more in your 20s, people in their 20s have personalities and preferences just as they do at any age).

The long and the short of it is it's probably time to break up.

You are both 20!life too short,enjoy it!

It’s staring you blatantly in the face that he’s over this relationship. In my experience, and especially at his age, he will hang around until someone else comes along, and then he’ll be gone. You’ve outgrown each other. Bow out now and learn to live a little without a man in tow.

Nope
You are not compatible

What is this madness?

• He comes home to eat at 12.15 pm (everything is always ready and waiting for him).

Seems like you want to be some kind of trad wife caring for your man and want him there when you say so

You both very young
Both of you move on have fun

If you are such a homebody you need someone with the same outlook

The one thing that struck me reading this, is that you are making your life and your happiness all about him. You haven't mentioned your friends at all in this. It's ok if you don't have close friendships at the moment, but could you do stuff where you might meet people with similar interests.

It is easy when you live together to take each other for granted. If you want to make it work, I'd find yourself some sort of hobby (could be sport, excercise, crafting, book clubs etc) where you meet people. In addition talk to him about how you feel about setting aside time to spend together and how it makes you feel when you are plan.

If you don't want to continue, then sell up and move on. Hard but better now than 5-10 years down the line.

I say this kindly as someone who always followed their boyfriend about, with friends who did similar. I look back and think what on earth was I thinking, as there stuff I didn't do because it would have meant being apart and I do wish I had.

You're being incredibly controlling. It's really unpleasant to read the levels you'll go to to control his life. Leave him to live how he wants to live. Find someone else to control love

Your too young to be so intense about this relationship and he is young and wants to hang out with friends. You need time away from each other

You are 2 very different people and not at all compatible, he likes to go out and you throw temper tantrums because you have to go and i heavily suspect you do the same if he goes alone so either way you ruin his night, you sound needy and a nightmare tbh . Its not a sustainable relationship you can both waste more years or you can split amicably and find people better suited to your personalitys. The problem with being with someone from a teen is people change as they mature what they wanted or what they were happy with at 17 won't be what they're happy with at 24 .

Honestly, you're a teenager, you will have so many more 'loves', I promise! Everything seems so intense at that age, I know, but you shouldn't be tying yourself down this young to a boy who makes you have 'mini tantrums'.

Ridiculous.

You don't sound very compatible with each other. I was in a relationship young but we shared a group of friends (liked each other's other friends aswell) and we were both introverts so we're on the same page with the amount of socialising we liked. We were best friends and enjoyed spending a lot of time with each other.

You just sound like you want different things, he wants to go out socialising loads but you don't.

Unfortunately I just don't see this relationship working.

@imtryingtoimprove I think this is all way too intense at your age. Of course your bf wants to see his friends. Everyone wants to go out and have fun at 20 years old! You are both way too young to be thinking about settling down by the fireside with your sliders on. You can't be talking about love at your age, you've both barely lived. Get a life and let him live his.

You were not much more than kids when you got together and now as young adults your bf wants to go out and socialise with his peers while you want to stay home and play house

You’ve cons to a place where most teenage sweethearts reach where you outgrow each other and move in different directions.

You're 20. Go to the club, get drunk, shag a few people, go on holiday with your mates. I'm very much an introverted homebody but you need to live a little.

OP,I think you're a lovely person, very kind and considerate to your partner.
But a few major problems here:

• you dont work so you have all day to do what you like (introverted things at home or seeing your own friends). He doesn't, he works hard 9-5 and only has evenings to socialise - and seeing his friends is clearly at the top of his list.

• You are incompatible in lifestyle and he does seem particularly bothered about your feelings. He has the need to be with people all his free time, and Doesn't appreciate or prioritise time spent with you. He knows you are "always there" and takes you for granted.

I dont think this will ever work no matter how hard you try as he just isnt on the same wavelength as you and not willing to compromise anything.

You are both young and have so much time ahead. A very long time ago I remember being 23 and I went out with a 20 year old guy who was an extrovert and had lots of friends. It didn’t last for a couple of reason but even at 23 I was looking for a serious relationship and all he could offer was not being tied down. So was too mismatched to last very long but I did find his charm and charisma very attractive.

Stop being so needy. Go and get a job, or get further education, or volunteer, or anything that stimulates your brain, gives you a life of your own and stops you being so clingy. I think you're just bored stiff and expecting him to provide your entire life. It must be like having a 3-year old hanging on round your knees.

This is great advice

How has a 20 year old, full time student managed to afford an apartment?

If this is true, you're 20. Break up, go live a little. It'll be liberating

Do you work?

Have you any hobbies or interests of your own you could go to without him? It sounds like you need him to be everything for you. Have you friends of your own? I may have missed something but are you at home all day? The description of your day sounds very mundane. I am much older than you and would be bored living in this way. You are both too young for this way of life and if he didn't have his friends what would he do for outside interests. If you want to stay together maybe have some relationship counselling.