To feel really sad for my son - please help me

[Iwishiwasabettermum]

He’s in year 2 and told me he doesn’t have any friends. He has since reception had a friend but each friend seems to drift into a bigger friendship group. I’ll be honest: I don’t have play dates for him due to working 4 days a week, having a messy house and being depressed as I’m in an unhappy marriage. I feel overwhelmed with life. DS wants to do after school activities but I feel I have no time. I’m putting on lots of weight too which stops me from being social and putting myself out there socially for him. I feel nervous and on edge all the time so it’s obvious no one wants to be friends with me. I do feel a little bit closer to the girl mums but this doesn’t help DS as he doesn’t want to play with them, he’s told me he wants to be part if the boys friend ship group. Plus I’ve heard the girl mums always gave her together but don’t invite me so we are not as close as I thought.

it doesn’t help either that he’s only one of 10 boys in his class.

I know I’m a bad mum who has put myself before my sons needs. Please can anyone help me? I have a 10 year one daughter who doesn’t have these issues as I think I was more sociable during her early years so it is my fault.

just for context in reception class I did try once or twice but was met with not much enthusiasm but I think it might be my depression making me feel that way. I should have persisted

You’re not a bad mum, you’re overwhelmed xxxx Saying that you’ve a list of things that can be addressed here.

Your son has an issue but a big part is probably the unhappiness at home. He’s still really young and so can definitely still make friends/ have play dates. Can you talk to the teacher? At that age my son said similar and the teacher moved him to a table where he was more likely to chat to people and he made three new friends that became his group.

Talk to your kids about getting your house in order and have them help. Start thinking about making things exciting and fun for you all again, start looking after yourself a bit and it’ll become something you want to do, this might mean easing up on comfort food but don’t make that your goal, just concentrate on feeling a bit better in your life- watch positive tv (family movie night too!), read magazines, paint nails, nice showers, walks etc. Talk to family or friends if possible x

Then invite someone over for your son to have a fun day with

@Tryingatleast thank you for your reply! I’ve emailed teacher but had no response yet. In the past the teachers just brushed my concerns away saying he seems fine.

I do want to host a play date and ds wants people around but I don’t know how. What do I talk about? Do I serve food? I did have a play date in reception at home but I went totally overboard! I had lots of food on dining table and the mother never asked for a play date again or ever invited us around.

i just don’t know how to be social. I also feel I will be replaying all the conversations and my actions back so my mental state will be worse after the play date

Do you have a class WhatsApp you can get a particular phone number from to message in private? I think if you invite for a few hours and eg have things like toasted sandwiches if they like them for a snack, then something like sausages and chips/ pizza with them allowed to have eg some crisis and a party plate (eg some jellies and mini rolls and a bun), but yes, step back it’s just about them having fun! And sometimes play dates don’t work out or like you the parents may be working or maybe they just don’t do play dates. Or maybe it doesn’t work and that’s ok too x

Tidy the house?

Get him in a hobby. Is it beavers boys do at this age ? My daughter has something almost every night of the week (I admit this is insanity). Also sign him up for any school clubs after school.
I never do play dates either.

Here is how I would host a playdate:
Check with the other mum in advance to make sure the day and time work. Ask whether the other child has any food restrictions or food allergies. Make sure to get in some snacks that meet any food restrictions. Make sure to get the other mum's cell phone number in case of emergency.
Tidy up the visible areas of the house and at least one bathroom that is easily accessible to the play area. Shove things in closets if you have to. The bathroom should be as pristine as you can manage. Put fresh hand towels in the bathroom.
Have a few age-appropriate toys available and a vague idea of things they can do together. Don't force them to play particular games, let them decide what they want to do (within reason and age-appropriate, of course). Remain in the house with them and alert at all times. Do not hover over them, but check on them frequently enough to get a feel for how well they are playing together, is the other child prone to doing anything dangerous or mean, etc.
If there are house rules that must be followed for safety etc, remind the kids of these at the beginning of the playdate in a friendly way. For example, "Boys, if you want to play in the garden, please ask me first, so I can lock the gate as the neighbor's dog sometimes gets loose and can be a bit grumpy. We don't want him to spoil your fun."
After they have been playing for a while, offer them a light snack and a drink compatible with any food restrictions you have previously received from the other mum. e.g. Fruit and some crackers with water or milk.
Take them outside, maybe to a playground, for some of the playdate. Take your cell phone with you. Supervise at the playground, but again, not hovering.
Make sure to get back in time for whatever time the other mum said she would pick up her kid.
Thank the child for coming, thank the mum for letting her kid come over. Depending on the vibe, you can share with the other mum one pleasant (complimentary, if possible) observation you made about the other kid. For example: "I was delighted to learn that Tom loves strawberries; they are my favorite fruit too!" or "Tom was so polite. It was a pleasure having him here."

What is your partner like socially? Honestly, it sounds like you have a lot of anxiety around social things which is fine.. I do as well.. so I delegate that to my much more socially confident partner, who arranges play-dates and connects with other parents.

Honestly, if it was left to me, I think my son would struggle to maintain connections at such a young age, because I would 100% actively avoid other parents and any effort to maintain those relationships.

If that isn't an option, then I second the option of getting him into clubs/groups. Easy and formal process so you don't need to worry about any social things/reactions, and he will get plenty of time to bond with other kids his age, outside of school and under good supervision.

Everyone's best is different.
You are doing what you can.

Try hosting one friend at a time for a play date at a park or library.
Invite two of son's friends to a picnic at a river. Take fishing rods.
Invite a friend to accompany son when he goes to the cinema.

Pack an extra cup cake in your son's lunch box.
Make time for one extra after school activity each week for your children (or on the weekend).
Swimming, cricket, football, choir, Scouts, etc.

Your child chooses one and needs to stick at it for the whole term. If they like it enough to re-enroll, they can't quit mid term.

Find out what activities the boys in his class go to and put your DS into one or two of them.

One of the school mums I know has a tiny house that is always upside down but she has the biggest heart. She was always the one inviting children to hers for play dates and we would take her as we found her. Quite a few of the other mums in the group had large homes but didn’t invite the kids as much as she did. Time flew by and now those kids are all 15. Thank God for her because that’s where a lot of the memories were made. I learned a lot from her in that respect as I always wanted things to look a certain way if people came over and with small kids that was never going to happen.

Well done on making the change for your children. I will look fwd to your updates. You sound like a lovely mum. Get some music on, get sorted and get a Christmas playdate booked! X

I don’t think that you need to host play dates if they make you anxious and you’re worried about the house.

Id choose one after school activity that ds would enjoy and do that once a week. If you find chatting to other parents uncomfortable just drop him and come back to get him. Ideally try and choose one that one of the other boys in his class already does.

On a Friday after school if the weather is nice take him to the closest playground after school. Tell him in advance that you’re going, and let him ask his friends if they can go too. Take a big bag of crisps or similar which he can share with his friends. Say a friendly hi to the other parents if they come.

Have you got a phone number for the parents of the boy he most wants to be friends with? If so, text the parents to ask whether the boy would like to come to the cinema and if so, when works for them. Pick him up, do cinema, buy them some popcorn, drop him home.

Plan a play date with a mum. Try not to let DS choose the most popular child in class whom he is barely friends with, pick one he knows better/who doesn't have as established friendships and is open to being friends.

Do it on your day off& offer to collect both from school. Don't expect the mum to come too. Check dietary & offer a meal most kids that age like - sausages, bolognese, pizza, fish fingers. Have them picked up by 6, too long & both kids get bored.

Boys tend to play better outside than in, send outside if you can.

We don’t host a lot of play dates tbh but I think a starting point would be after school activities. Is there a local beavers? They’re great sessions and he should meet some new friends there. You don’t have to stay, you just drop them off and collect again.

My kids are a bit younger and so playdates involve parents but just had two over the weekend. My house is really clean/tidy but other than that it was super uncomplicated - kids and parents come over, I offer the parents coffee or tea (often didn't actually get drunk), kids run around a bit and play with toys/each other a little bit on and off or just do there own thing, we as parents chatted to each other / played with our kids intermittently / stepped in if they were getting aggressive with each other, offered the kids a banana when i gave my kids one, after a couple of hours parents needed to take kids home and we all said goodbye. All lovely on both sides and no fuss.

Get him into some after school activities. My house is a tip and I am overweight and anti-social but I do get my kids to cubs, football, martial arts, swimming lessons. My DS didn't have a lot of play dates at that age because I can't be bothered with having hoards of small boys turning my house upside down but we did park meet ups, kick abouts with a football, birthday parties. I'm not friends with any of the mums in his class but we exchanged numbers so the boys could hang out.

You aren't a bad parent but you do need to put yourself out there a bit.

You are not a bad mum @Iwishiwasabettermum !!!! A bad mum wouldn’t be worrying about any of these things.

That said, I think you’re taking it all too seriously. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t have play dates for him at this age. Don’t hold yourself to such a high standard; we live abroad and play dates at homes aren’t really a thing here! I tried it once when ds was maybe 2.5, thinking kid and his mum would come for a coffee, well the whole family came and stayed all day it was quite odd 😂 I don’t think they knew what it was all about to be honest!!

what about a weekend activity - Saturday morning? Have a look and see if there’s any groups or clubs - could be swimming, baby gymnastics, a Lego club etc. And join that - it will give you a chance to get out and do something together and for ds to make new friends.

Maybe I am a bit antisocial but I find the pressure in the uk of having to push children to OTT friendships at a young age a bit daft. As they grow up they’ll meet lots of people and find their ways in life. Not everyone needs a big group of friends at 2/3/4/5 years old; and many people as adults have different friendship patterns. I think it’s important he’s getting lots of ‘exposure’ to other people and children at school, at clubs or activities where possible. But don’t beat yourself up about it. You’re being way too harsh on yourself. I hope you find some peace re the marriage etc soon, be kind to yourself. Xx

The cinema is a good option. Used to do this a lot when my kids where younger. Usually the other mum came too. Very pressure free way of meeting people. Sometimes we would go somewhere for a quick bite to eat afterwards.

I think you need to help yourself to help your son. Write down a list of steps you can take or what you can change, starting this week. Is it possible to talk to your husband and tell him how you’re feeling and that it’s impacting your son’s happiness? Start with tidying and cleaning. Then try cutting out the rubbish food by prepping some healthy stuff to eat instead.

What happens after school? We have a park and field next to ours so most go there afterwards. Great opportunity for small talk and starting those relationships.

Sorry OP but you do need to get him into a couple of activities like Beavers/cubs or maybe a sport like tennis. These will give you a little time to yourself which you can use for you (going for a walk, tidy the house etc)

OP, if your house is a tip and you don’t want DS’s friends to see it, then invite one of them out to something, even if it’s just McDonald’s - better still if it’s after a club that he and his friend go to. You said DS wants to do after school activities - so let him. It’s important to make time for things like that, and you’ll meet other mums at pick-up. Sometimes mums are overwhelmed by everything that we have to do - but it’s important that you make a little time for DS to go to clubs, and to facilitate his friendships. Good luck!

Also I agree with this.

I was the same as you, worried about the state of the house, worried about the state of me. Just recently found a photo and I was bloody gorgeous. Can't believe that now, but Id sort of hide until the kids were let out. Rush and grab mine and bolt. Some other mums made great long term friendships. I made 3, and that was mainly because of the friendliness of my children. I regret not making more friends. Looking back I was stupid to worry about what other people thought about what I looked like.They wouldn't even know my name now. Stop worrying, I wish I had.

There are plenty of good ideas already about how to host a playdate or what after school activities to focus on. I agree with speaking to the teacher, plenty of kids never have play dates but still have plenty of friends.

But also - have you seen a GP about your depression? Are you doing anything to try and tackle it? Depression is treatable. There is a route out for you. Your DCs will hugely benefit from you tackling this, but more than that - So. Will. You.

You deserve to enjoy your life, and that is possible. Please seek help for this debilitating illness. Life doesn't have to feel this way.

It's hard. I think the clubs are definitely the easiest option where you don't have to interact too much, and the children can form great friendships there. My child has belonged to her club for almost 5 years, and she has some really lovely friendships there. It took me a little time because I'm shy but I've also made some lovely friends with other mums there over time.