To feel really sad for my son - please help me

[Iwishiwasabettermum]

He’s in year 2 and told me he doesn’t have any friends. He has since reception had a friend but each friend seems to drift into a bigger friendship group. I’ll be honest: I don’t have play dates for him due to working 4 days a week, having a messy house and being depressed as I’m in an unhappy marriage. I feel overwhelmed with life. DS wants to do after school activities but I feel I have no time. I’m putting on lots of weight too which stops me from being social and putting myself out there socially for him. I feel nervous and on edge all the time so it’s obvious no one wants to be friends with me. I do feel a little bit closer to the girl mums but this doesn’t help DS as he doesn’t want to play with them, he’s told me he wants to be part if the boys friend ship group. Plus I’ve heard the girl mums always gave her together but don’t invite me so we are not as close as I thought.

it doesn’t help either that he’s only one of 10 boys in his class.

I know I’m a bad mum who has put myself before my sons needs. Please can anyone help me? I have a 10 year one daughter who doesn’t have these issues as I think I was more sociable during her early years so it is my fault.

just for context in reception class I did try once or twice but was met with not much enthusiasm but I think it might be my depression making me feel that way. I should have persisted

Is there an activity or sport the other boys do? I’d put him in that lickety split. And if you don’t know, is there a friendlier boy mum you can go up to at pick up or drop off and say hi I was hoping to catch you. I’ve realised I’ve missed a trick and ds really should be playing sports/doing activities so I thought I’d ask what the other boys all do?

and if it’s something that has lots of extra skills classes available, I’d also chuck him in those if you can afford it. That way he will catch up quickly, the unfortunate fact is it’s easier to integrate if you’re good at it. My ds is that age and at a very small school so I’ve worked hard to put together a sports team including some of the other boys so they can hang out outside of school. In your case they probably already do football or similar.

We love the scouts / cubs / beavers. They do loads of great stuff where parents don’t need to be there. Great for working parents. And very affordable summer camp from cubs onwards. (Well at least where we are)

I didn’t do play dates for my 2nd child either. Working full time makes it hard.

occasionally we arrange to take one of her friends home after school or we wil meet in the park.

a few times a year at best.

don’t beat yourself up.

it’s hard!

Bad mums don’t even consider that they might be a bad mum, so forget that!
I think I’d try and make an after school/out of school club work. Can’t DH or grandparents help out if logistics are difficult.

This may not be a good time of year for play dates. It gets dark early. The weather is bad. Don't take it personally if your invitation is rejected. Weekends may be better than after school, but people are busy. Alternatively, they may be only too happy to offload their child for a couple of hours.
A year 2 child will not be bothered about the state of your house. They will be delighted if there are toys all over the place. Do you really think all the other mums have pristine homes? They don't. Make sure the bathroom is respectable, though a year 2 boy will possibly miss his aim when having a wee.
It is also normal for a year 2 child to complain that they have no friends, so and so doesn't want to play with them etc. Teachers are usually trained to watch out for lonely kids in the playground and encourage them to play with other children.

Let him choose an activity and make the time so he can go. It will give you a break too.
You’re not a bad mum but you’re letting your issues affect your son so you need to do something about it.
Look at getting some help for you too. Someone to talk to. Sorting out your home life. Whatever it takes.

My son was like this - he wasn't sporty and preferred having one or two close friends. He gradually made close friends as he got older and is now really popular (although still geeky!)

My two daughters also had a few friendship struggles in primary gradually found a lovely group of friends. It's easier once they arrange meet ups themselves rather than relying on Mums!

I also have a messy house and struggled with playdates when they were younger but this hasn't mattered in the long run.

You're not a bad mum. You're struggling and you are really brave to admit it.
Definitely agree with PP about the after school clubs. And you are under no obligation to have play dates at home. This weekend I went with my son and his friend and his mum to a football activity and then we went to a cafe. Likewise my DH takes him to junior park run where he meets other children and their parents and they often end up in the cafe or park.
If your marriage is unhappy, sort that before your son gets older and picks up on vibes.

Hi @Iwishiwasabettermum
There is some fabulous advice on this thread.
i hope you can make some positive changes in yourself and then for your boy.
Don’t beat yourself up it’s a waste of your time and energy. Really try to comb through this thread and make a list of all the suggestions for you; for your house and for your boy. And try and tick one or two off every few days.
Keep a picture of your happy son as a motivator every time you want to stop.
xx

This is good advice. Have the play date 2-4pm so it’s not over a meal time . Or 10-12 if better for you both. Do a drop off play date so the mum doesn’t stay

I don't think playdates at home are the best solution for you at the moment. Sounds like it would be too stressful and over whelming for you and this will detract from something that should be fun for him.

Could your son invite a friend to go to the park, soft play, cinema instead? The key to this is that the activity is obvious and the kids will just get on with it on
their own - no need for much involvement / organisation from you.

After school clubs are a good option to broaden friendships and horizons

Ah, op, your post made me sad. You are not a bad Mum, first off. I think if you could manage maybe even just one after school activity such as Beavers or a little football/sports club he can focus on making friends a bit outside of school. And remember he is only in year 2, technically only second year of school education as reception is really continuation of nursery when I don’t really remember a huge amount of friendships forming for my DC. It was mostly from years one and two so early days still. So give it time. I would also encourage him to try and have a play date, perhaps at the weekend as you work, with one of the girls in his year (not just his class). My DS made friends mostly with the girls as he couldn’t break in to the boy groups. I know it might be hard to persuade him but keep at it. Maybe suggest an activity such as bowling or a little trip to the cinema just to break into a group, either someone from the boys group or one of the girls. Obviously bit pricey on regular basis but just to make some initial connections.

In terms of the other Mums is there a WhatsApp group where you can send a message separately so you don’t have to feel shy or embarrassed asking in person?

There are lots of good suggestions on here.

To add one more, I would suggest phoning the teacher rather than emailing. Yes, the teacher should ideally act on your email (and they may even phone you when they see it) but it’s much easier to discuss your concerns and convey that you feel strongly about this over the phone. I say this as a teacher myself knowing how busy teachers will prioritise things that feel more pressing. Hearing your voice as you express your concerns is more likely to get the teacher’s full attention and make sure they understand your feelings.

I appreciate a phone call may feel difficult which is likely why you have emailed but if you can do it, it’s good practice in being more socially forward!

You don't need to have a playdate every week op.

Two or three times a term is plenty, bearing in mind that soon your ds might get asked to some as well. You can also try away from the home, even something short and sweet to begin with eg; ask if you can take them for an ice-cream after school then drop them home. You can start small if you feel anxious.

You are doing your best. No child has perfect parents - whatever some parents like to think.

Could he go to after school clubs? Cubs?

with playdates - just chuck some pizzas in the oven and do crisps and juice.

even if the kids just watch tv they enjoy hanging out together

My daughter is autistic and after the age of 8 started to get anxious about having people in our home (btw do you think you might have ND traits? maybe your son does too? )

So instead of playdates - I tend to take kids to the park which yes is much harder in winter! but not impossible if the kids just have an hour to run about ....

You need to speak to your son's teacher. It's common for children to say 'I have no one to play with at playtime' or 'I have no friends'. Often that isn't the case at all. It can be a case of a child wanting to play games on their terms only and refusing to join in with other children's games!! I work in a First school (Reception to Year 4) and see this an awful lot!! Children have to learn, they can't always have everything their own way and exclusively on their terms, and some do struggle with this. This is why I am saying to talk to the class teacher. The class teacher can monitor your son, and ask lunchtime staff to keep an eye on him. It may be that he doesn't have many friends because he struggles in social situations and doesn't know how to 'make friends'. You don't necessarily need 'play dates' but instead perhaps find out what after school activities there are available from the school or within your area. Sign him up as a trial run, to see what he may enjoy.

I’m sure she would if she had the energy. Sometimes when you’re overwhelmed and feeling like crap you don’t have it in you to do the things that are obvious to everyone else.
Theres also a husband in the house, he should be pulling his weight too.

You are NOT a bad Mum x

Do you have anyone you can talk to?

Would you be happier out of your marriage?

I can't find that original post but I'd just like the poster to know they are an asshole.

I am a terrible housekeeper and my house can be awful. I used to never invite anyone.

Now I clean the loo and basin, put fresh towels in and make sure the kitchen bench is tidy and wiped and change the cat litter. Anything else is optional.
If I feel like it I tidy living rooms and maybe wipe surfaces. About once a month I vacuum.

I have my bookclub and other friends over when I want to which i never used to do. Actually, a couple of them are no better than me.

Arrange a play date in a local park with a couple of the boys and their mums.

Can you get his dad to take him to play football in the park on Saturday or Sunday mornings? They'll definitely meet other boys and their dads. That gives you some free time, there's some father son bonding and likely a football friend or two for your son. You don't have to do everything yourself.

You’re not a bad mum.

First step would be to speak with his teacher. They’re there to help and may be able to set him up with a buddy or someone in the class who also struggles socially. Does the school have lunchtime or afterschool clubs? Those could help, that way he’s in a club but you don’t have to do anything extra.

Low effort clubs are out there too like Beavers. Cheap and cheerful, my DS loves it and it’s only once a week for an hour with school holidays off.

Go see your GP regarding depression and anxiety.

Op, I think you're overthinking things and being hard on yourself.
Does your son like football? A lot of the boys will get into football at this age so if there is a local club I would get him signed up as you will probably find a lot of the boys in his class do the same in the next year or so.
If he's not into football definitely find another sport or club her can do.
Re playdates, the kids are old enough to be left now and lot of parents would be delighted to drop their kids off for a couple of hours - just ask if someone wants to come back with you after school and have dinner and the boys can play for a couple of hours - you don't need to entertain another parent.

You dont have to host play dates at your house. You can suggest meeting at the park, or soft play/trampoline park especially on a weekend when not working.

And in the nicest possibly way, you need to get your own act together if its having a negative impact on your son, if that doesnt motivate you i dont know what will.