To feel really sad for my son - please help me

[Iwishiwasabettermum]

He’s in year 2 and told me he doesn’t have any friends. He has since reception had a friend but each friend seems to drift into a bigger friendship group. I’ll be honest: I don’t have play dates for him due to working 4 days a week, having a messy house and being depressed as I’m in an unhappy marriage. I feel overwhelmed with life. DS wants to do after school activities but I feel I have no time. I’m putting on lots of weight too which stops me from being social and putting myself out there socially for him. I feel nervous and on edge all the time so it’s obvious no one wants to be friends with me. I do feel a little bit closer to the girl mums but this doesn’t help DS as he doesn’t want to play with them, he’s told me he wants to be part if the boys friend ship group. Plus I’ve heard the girl mums always gave her together but don’t invite me so we are not as close as I thought.

it doesn’t help either that he’s only one of 10 boys in his class.

I know I’m a bad mum who has put myself before my sons needs. Please can anyone help me? I have a 10 year one daughter who doesn’t have these issues as I think I was more sociable during her early years so it is my fault.

just for context in reception class I did try once or twice but was met with not much enthusiasm but I think it might be my depression making me feel that way. I should have persisted

OP, you mention also that you're in an unhappy marriage, which obviously is extremely draining and affects everything else, like a background headache as you go about your day.
At some point you'll need to gather the strength to do something about that, and decide whether or not you want to salvage or leave it.
Getting out of an unhappy situation can work wonders for how you approach the rest of your life.

With Christmas coming up, are there any events locally such as light trails, going to meet Santa, pantomimes etc? Within your budget obviously. If not, something like playing at the local park or going to the local swimming pool. You could invite a child your son wants to be friends with as a treat, and if they have a nice time, they might be open to a play date at your house another time. Be helpful to the other parent, offer them tea or coffee if they come over too, maybe offer to pick up or drop off the child if that makes it work. Your child is young, there is plenty of time to build up friendships and this is a great time to start establishing them.

The first thing to do is to see your GP. Talk about your mental health. Maybe ask for bloods; weight gain and depression should be checked out. Counselling may help. You can also self refer online if you're in England/Wales.

https://www.nhs.uk/tests-and-treatments/talking-therapies/

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is unhappy. Again, maybe counselling can help. Relate offer this for individuals, as well as couples.

https://www.relate.org.uk/

You need support, a bit of help from friends, family, professionals, or people on here (though I'd suggest the Chat or Relationships boards might be more gentle).

You'd had lots of good suggestions for ways to help your son socialise. Just noting that sometimes children say 'I don't have any friends' and ... it's not true! Children are very much of the moment, it may have been true for one afternoon - or, he may need a bit of help with playdates and clubs. Have you considered having a childminder take him to an after school, if you aren't able to?

Wishing you all the best.

Chat GPT is really helpful for things like this too - help me plan to do xyz, help me plan a list of topics etc.

Another vote for joining beavers. Im crap with play dates and socialising but scouts has been great. Also would suggest trying to do a play date out and about as I find it easier, country park walk, quick meet at a play park after school or soft play!

Nrtft so not sure what’s been mentioned

play dates don’t have to be at your house, you can have them at the park or somewhere else. My dd really wants to invite a friend to the movies but money is tight so we have to do it when we can use our 2 for 1 vouchers, I’ve just done my best to shuffle things to fit around when we can go and when friend is available.

You could offer to take DS and a friend to the park one day or somewhere else that dosnt cost money, just a hot flask and a couple of butties. The other parents don’t always have to join you either. I regularly take other peoples kids to the park out for the day.

One of my DDs classes has an active chat group, mix of boys and girls, regularly I will see posts saying we are going to X place today between 10-12 if anyone would like to join us. Sometimes people are busy other times a few parents will go. Have you tried something like this? Just don’t take it personally if people can’t make it and don’t let DS know what your doing in case he’s disappointed.

Dose the school not have activities and afterschool clubs he can do?

Forget play dates for now, they aren't the be all and end all, and if he says he hasn't got any friends who would you invite?

You say DS wants to do after school activities, I would start there. You can manage one a week to start with, you might meet new friends too.

IME play dates after school are good, because there's a natural end to them (tea time). So a kid comes home after school and you give them some wee snacks, fruit and crisps will be fine, and then pack them off home or get them picked up before dinner, about 5.30 or so.

Some parents are very involved in playdates but generally I just made sure they had space and some toys and let them get on with it. Young kids will often have lots of playdates with lots of kids, some of which will hit it off and some won't. Some end in utter disaster. You just have to roll with it. They're working out how to be friends at that age and there will be disagreements, misfires, awkward silences, and sometimes actual carnage.

Outdoors is also great, playparks at that age are standard, surely? Playpark with snacks after school, then everyone goes home for tea. Perfect.

Lots of people have given you lovely advice for your son but wanted to offer an idea just to you, as it seems you are struggling as much as he is (I hope you're okay). Are there any after school activities he could do where you would be able to use that time for yourself? For instance my daughter does dancing which is a drop off class where you can't stay and watch, so I can use that time to go for a run. Or there might be things at leisure centres where you could pop to the gym? That might help you to feel better about putting on weight but more importantly exercise should help your mind and lift your mood, which might put you in a better place to find some confidence and be more social. Good luck! x

You can do a playdate in the park or local cafe near playground at this age, or soft play, if hosting at home is overwhelming.

it takes a pressure off, and it goes well you might be more comfortable at having people over.

next, you don’t have to have super tidy and gorgeous house for a playdate. Unless mum is like Amanda from Motherland if you know that I mean. Just slight tidying of downstairs and the bathroom they might use. You offer some snacks for kids, some bisquits and tea for adults and that’s enough.

we also brought people unexpectedly over from the park to a messy house (well my husband did anyway 🤣) and noone died .

The husband could also clean the house. Always the mums that gets blamed and shamed

Only it wasn't really very nice, despite the attempt to pass it off as that.

You are not a bad mum. Playdates aren't the be all and end all. I think I would focus on whether your child knows how to make friends, which seems simple, but it's not necessarily natural for everyone and does take some proactivity. Is he quiet? Can he have proper give-and-take conversations? Does he share any of the same interests as the other boys, so he can join in or start conversations about the shared interest? Is there a particular game or sport that the other boys play that he can join in? Are there any after school activities/clubs he wants to do that are on the day you're not working, so you may have more flexibility over pick up times?

If you're not that friendly with the mums OP then have play dates without them, they're yr2 now and kids won't care if your house is messy or you make too much food!

Let him go to one club that he wants to really go to and see how it goes for you. Build up slowly. You don't have to talk to anyone at drop off/pick up, just say hi and smile if someone catches your eye and leave it to that. Listen to music while you wait if you feel awkward.

You're really suffering with social anxiety and over thinking - are you ND? It's very common amongst people who are but it might just be anxiety from your bad relationship etc. Consider seeing your GP though.

At your son’s age, after school play dates don’t involve the parents, so you don’t need to worry about adult conversation. Just invite a boy of your son’s choosing round to yours after school one day. They will play for a bit, you give them a meal, the other parent will collect their kid at the agreed time. Try not to overthink it.

I agree about beavers! My son has been camping this past weekend with them and loved it. It’s a chance to meet other kids and gives you a kid free night occasionally op

How are you doing @Iwishiwasabettermum?

You need to see the GP about your depression. Try sertraline, it’s a life saver. If you don’t want to host playdates can you message or speak to some other parents to arrange a play at the park? Maybe ask the teacher which children your DS is close to?

As to after school clubs, do the school not run any you could sign him up for each term? Or could he join Beavers or go swimming?

And offer the mum a cup of tea/coffee so you can have a chat if she has the time.

Firstly stop blaming yourself! You're playing the hand you've been dealt the best you can at the moment. No ones life runs smoothly without down times. You're in one at the moment. It will improve.
Your DS is very young and has his whole life to make friends, so try to keep perspective. This early parent led socialising has value, of course it does, but most of your DSs social life will be created and developed outside of you as he grows. So please don't see this as make it break. It really isn't.
That said, if he needs more social contact it's not a bad idea to explore ways to give him that within your comfort zone. Suggesting outings to other venues is a great idea from PP.