To feel really sad for my son - please help me

[Iwishiwasabettermum]

He’s in year 2 and told me he doesn’t have any friends. He has since reception had a friend but each friend seems to drift into a bigger friendship group. I’ll be honest: I don’t have play dates for him due to working 4 days a week, having a messy house and being depressed as I’m in an unhappy marriage. I feel overwhelmed with life. DS wants to do after school activities but I feel I have no time. I’m putting on lots of weight too which stops me from being social and putting myself out there socially for him. I feel nervous and on edge all the time so it’s obvious no one wants to be friends with me. I do feel a little bit closer to the girl mums but this doesn’t help DS as he doesn’t want to play with them, he’s told me he wants to be part if the boys friend ship group. Plus I’ve heard the girl mums always gave her together but don’t invite me so we are not as close as I thought.

it doesn’t help either that he’s only one of 10 boys in his class.

I know I’m a bad mum who has put myself before my sons needs. Please can anyone help me? I have a 10 year one daughter who doesn’t have these issues as I think I was more sociable during her early years so it is my fault.

just for context in reception class I did try once or twice but was met with not much enthusiasm but I think it might be my depression making me feel that way. I should have persisted

I was so sad reading your message. You are not a bad mum at all' you are worried about him and you sound so critical of yourself. There is no need to be; you are stressed and depressed and can't help it.

There are loads of women who would like to be your friend; remember that these days, lots of people have all kinds of anxieties and it is pretty normal! The majority of people just hide theirs, that's all! It is also natural to feel you cannot approach people who have not responded well to you in the past.

I wonder if posting on a local community group on Facebook might bring some mums who understand? It is possible; I have used these and had really good feedback and made some close friends this way. You could also try talking to an empathic teacher at the school; sometimes, other boys may be feeling the same as your DS and nobody but the teachers may know this. There could be some boys really needing friends like your boy!

Do not feel alone; there are lots of us out here who want to help you. Reach out to me in DMs if it will help to have moral support! xx

You need to allow your son two after school activities a week

I also think you need to allow a play date once a week.

This can be at your home where you let them play and have fun on their own whilst you potter around checking on them occasionally and then give them some food - fish fingers chips and peas or something like that. Then take the child home (or parent collects)

Or you could hold the play date at the local park/macdonalds/indoor play centre.

The way you organise a play date is to ask your son who he wants a play date with (I'd suggest one at a time) and go up to the Mum in the playground and suggest a day/date

I appreciate that this will be hard for you, but this is not about you. You need to step up for your son

Maybe you could see the doctor about your anxiety and they might have advice about losing weight (if you want that)

firstly, get yourself to your GP and be brutally honest about everything that’s going on for you, it’s probably worth writing it all down so you don’t forget all the details, the better picture they have the better. Push for

• thyroid test
• support for depression - meds or therapy or both
• peri / menopause exploration
• vitamin and mineral levels

whilst that is going on address some other stuff…

Can you afford a cleaner to do a blitz for a few hours to set you up? They won’t give a shit how bad your house is, that’s their job

does your son have a games console that he can link up with other boys to play online with if they are not physically together. Of course you’ll have to regulate how much time he spends on this but it’s a good way of connecting, they chat their heads off when they’re not thinking about it too much as they’re focused on the game.

clubs such as football are a great way of socialising and teaching your son socialising skills, most coaches go out of their way to support kids who need some extra help in those areas, especially if you speak with them and explain he’s been struggling to make friends. Again, they will 100% not give a shit what you look like, they will just see you as a mum who’s bringing her kid to football / chess / cricket.

look for cheap activities that you can take your son and a friend with and don’t try and police their interactions too much, they will sort it.

in terms of your marriage, I think you’ll find that once you seek help to look after yourself properly and feel a bit better you’ll have the strength to better address this however that looks for you x

you’ve taken the first big step already by identifying what’s possibly going on here for both you and your son, well done xx

Focus on the after school clubs to start with. They are a great way for children to be with friends in a different environment. They would really make a difference I think, and then approach the play date. You don’t have to have them come to your house perhaps take him and a friend to a soft play place for an hour or two.

OP you need therapy to process your low self esteem and find a way to leave the marriage if it’s making you question yourself this much.

look up your local Priory mental health hospital and find someone from there that works privately, if you can afford it. Generally their therapists are good.

your son may be picking up on your low self worth and modelling it at school.

Anti depressants in this situation to control anxiety can help you change your mood and believe in you self more, stop the rumination.

Occasionally when young kids say they have no friends they mean the kids they want to be friends with aren’t.

I would wait to hear back from the teacher and if not chase them up again to ask.
Does your son focus on having one friend playing with him exclusively? Friendship dynamics on the playground are hard. You mention he previously has had friends but they drift to a bigger group, so does this mean he doesn't like it when it is a larger group rather than 1:1? If he is trying to only play with one child and they want to play with all the others then you need to encourage him to join in the game others are playing. Boys generally do go round as a group (or multiple groups but as your class is small maybe it is just one large bunch of boys) whereas girls do the having a best friend thing (which usually creates a lot more drama!). If he doesn't like the larger group play then it is going to be more challenging for him to be friends with the boys. Does he only like playing certain games too? Sometimes children will come up to me with the same issue of no one to play with but it's so hard to find them someone when they don't want to play with someone you suggest, don't like to play the game that others are playing and only want to play the game they have in mind. Also you say he wants to be in the boy group and not the girls, but actually would he prefer the girls company? There are a few boys in KS1 that will only play with the girls as the boys at lunchtime are quite loud and boisterous, which the more sensitive ones don't like. With the girls they tend to play more traditional imagination games such as mums and dads, schools and being animals. The boys however run round like crazy and try to do things like wrestling.

Personally I don't think playdates are the be all and end all. Yes the other child might play with yours in your home because they have no other option. When on the playground when given the choice of playing what the others are doing they will revert back to that. So I wouldn't beat yourself up over not organising anything.

Does the school do any lunch clubs? Ours do a few activities in KS2 and they have a specific group for children who find lunchtimes tricky where they eat their lunch and go to a classroom with a teacher present who gets out games and activities so there is more structure and adult intervention with a smaller group.

We've never done any play dates or been invited to any with the kids from school, it just doesnt seem to be a thing at our school. But oldest DS is in year 3 and has a great group of friends in his class. Their friendships just developed while at school, they see eachother all day 5 days a week, why would having one of them round on a Saturday morning make any difference.

I would speak to the teacher about this and ask what they've observed. They should also be able to help foster some friendships by moving the tables around, putting him in particular groups for work etc. Our school also does nurture group sessions for those struggling socially.

I also echo what others have said, get him into Beavers. It's so great for them to have something social outside of school, and Beavers is so inclusive, you can really be yourself there. Also the activities and the camps will help your DS with his confidence. If its a local one it's highly likely some kids from his school will be there too. Also if the school do any after school activities or sports sign him up for that too, all you have to do there is pick up a bit later from school.

You need to slowly start tackling the house & at least allow one activity a week for him. You say its about your son but then go on about yourself. Slmetimes we need to get motivated for the sake of our childrens wellbeing that said he probably does has friends! Mine used to say that but turns out he was friends in nearly his entire class!

I can see a lot are recommending Beavers and whilst an excellent option - there’s a 2 year waiting list in my area so worth checking that out. However - you often jump the queue a bit if they’re short on volunteers / class helpers - could you offer to do something like this?

I do second clubs and especially clubs their school friends already go to. Mine hated the thought of starting football but they absolutely love it now and as someone else said, the coaches are really excellent with them.

Play dates for me took a bit of time - when the boys were forming friendships I noticed I then heard from those parents for meet ups on say an inset day and it went from there. Maybe when you chat to the teacher see if she mentions any specific names? Never be afraid to be the one who reaches out first.

But lastly and most importantly please see a GP. There are ways to really support depression and there could even be underlying issues at play. Is there any hope with the marriage - are you able to leave at all?

Come on op. Chin up, tits out. Muddle through. No one cares about your weight just press on with a play date and getting your house tidied for your son.

reassess your unhappy marriage, if it’s staying together for the kids it’s clearly not working and having a very obvious knock on affect.

Did you read her post? She already says she doesn't feel she has time for this.

Don't worry about the messy house - my DD has been to some shockers in her time - it's fine, and one time I had a child round to play who wouldn't stop going on about how messy my DDs room was - it was, but DD couldn't be bothered to tidy it before they came, and I wasn't doing it for her.

But as pp say, playdates are not actually that common, a more structured after school activity is better.

However, I think you'll struggle to do any of that at the moment - you need to get to the core of your depression, so GP first - tell them everything you've said here, get some treatment, and support to extricate yourself from your marriage (or make it happier?), which is possibly the root of the problem. And therapy (maybe on the NHS?) to work through your anxieties.
Can you tell us here why your marriage is unhappy? People may be able to help work out whether the marriage is salvageable, or whether your efforts should go into getting out of it.

If your child is in year 2, I don't see why there would need to be a parent present so don't worry what to talk about, some crisps / sweets and juice would suffice for the children. After school groups are probably the easiest option. Looks like you need to help your son but ensure you get help for yourself too.

I would speak with the teacher OP and see what she observes. It may be that he tries to play with one child at a time but then they want to play in bigger groups.

I have a daughter the same age and we don’t do play dates with children from school. We see other parents at parties etc and that’s it really. I don’t think it’s the be all and end all. We do meet up with my friends and their children around the same age in the holidays!
My daughter attends dancing 2 days per week and football 1 day per week. She has friends there.
I prob would encourage a couple of afterschool clubs! Such as beavers or something social like that!

Talk to your GP get some support for your mood. Is there an IAPT or talking therapies locally that you can self refer into. These teams are normally linked to your local mental health trust.

Can you afford a counsellor?

Is your marriage worth saving - if not start to think about next steps, you may not leave now but you will at least have everything lined up.

Break down the house tidying into blocks, today I am going to do the lounge, work with the kids/H to get it sorted. They are also H’s kids too he needs to help. Give the kids a couple of pounds to help give the tidying up a purpose. If not can you afford a cleaner or a one off clean?

Get your kids in clubs - cubs? can they swim? get them out after school to the park? 1 club a week each will help here - all you need to do is a quick hello to other parents to start with. Cubs is an excellent one to be honest - your son will be out learning skills, camping, hiking.

Sort out a playdate - all you need do do is check for allergies, ask what the childs favourite food is and in year 2 let them get on with it - be around and be accessible. Make sure its all safe for them and let them play. I am assuming your son has age appropriate toys and watches age appropriate cartoons or whatever. Start slow 2 hours after school and build up.

Good luck.

You are a good mum. You care and you want to change things that you feel aren't working well for him. Sign of a good mum. I agree that you really must let your DS do a couple of after school activities - Beavers and tag rugby or football. Beavers will be one weeknight and the sport one weekend morning. Decide this is manageable. Just decide that it is. If he gets any good at sport, he will have automatic mates so give him the chance to develop those skills.

If you have faith or are curious about it, you could consider going to church. Big family friendly churches have age appropriate groups that leave the service and play games for most of the morning. They are very inclusive. He would build up a group of children who he is familiar with over the weeks, and they end up being close because they grew up together. Also with the younger groups, they focus so much on Jesus loving him, and being a friend to him, it could be quite reassuring.

As to playdates - tidy and clean the hallway, living room, his bedroom and the bathroom. Shut the other doors. Use Flylady 15 minute Room Rescue techniques to achieve this without overwhelm. Put out a couple of toys they might want to play with - lego or train set or garage or playmobile, and set up a simple video game or good fun age appropriate film.

Supply a very simple tea of pizza with a few veg sticks and either banana custard or a scoop of ice cream for dessert.

Pretty much leave them to it unless they seem bored or are fighting, I'd do: 20-30 minutes playing, 20-30 minutes have some tea, then 30mins to an hour on a game or some cartoons.

You can also invite children on playdates outside the house - invite a child to come swimming or bowling or to a city farm, then take them for a slice of pizza or a burger afterwards.

Don't tell him unless it is already arranged as you don't want to raise his hopes. And try to reassure him he will make friends. Showing your own anxiety about it will increase his. DS2 had no friends for a long while. Now he has so many he can't keep up with them all. It comes in waves. Just keep his confidence up.

Good luck to you in making some changes to help him make friends. It's a really lovely, good thing to do.

Why not suggest a meet in the park after school one day. Or if the weather is bad, a soft play or something. Then there is no need for food, hosting etc.

I would look into sending him to an after school club/activity, it can take up a bit of time at first but eventually it will be just a case of dropping him off and picking him back up? Look into cubs/scouts? Or a football club if that’s what he is into.

Play dates don’t have to be stressful, just invite a child over, let them play, feed them your normal evening meal and then send them home/get them collected. It does get easier as they get older and need less supervision. Also some of my best play dates as a kid was in messy houses, I had a friend who’s parents were really poor and they didn’t even have carpet in their house, sometimes I had to take my own food but I had the best time with my friend.

This. He needs an after school activity.

especially in this situation (messy house, mother dealing with MH issues etc)…

Football,beavers, park are excellent options to try but I think you need support yourself first - are you getting help for your depression? Did you speak with GP - any talking therapy, medication, counselling?Without it, any suggestions given here may be a bit difficult to follow.

Take care.

I would just ask your ds which child he would like to play and approach the parent in the playground when you see them. You don't need to invite the mum, just invite the child who will go home from school with you and play for a couple of hours and do a quick and easy dinner. No need for you to socialise except at pick up.
You could ask the teacher which children he interacts with in the classroom to give you an idea of who might be happy with this invite. Honestly, no parent cares what you or your house look like. I've been in some really posh houses and some tiny, very messy ones and couldn't care less.

DS wants to do after school activities but I feel I have no time.

I'd look at organising something on your day off.

And one playdate a month - just meet a mum at a soft play centre...

Another easy option is to look for activities going on in your area, usually seasonal stuff like Christmas/Easter markets, pumpkin carving, kids crafting workshops, comic conventions etc. Some have entry fees but they're usually within reason. Then ask a befriended family if they would like to go together. You get to know the other parent(s) without the stress of hosting and there's organised entertainment for the kids.