Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

Without going into the debate, do people talk absolute nonsense on this thread!

She will have her top down, they will need to attach leads to her (CTG), maybe she will want a birthing pool or need help getting in/out, or help going to the bathroom. She won’t be in a state to notice that her boobs and butt are out.

I did't have my top down when I gave birth?!?

She won’t be in a state to notice that her boobs and butt are out
why the fuck wouldn't she? Even in a birthing pool you can keep your top on for a start (not that the friend should have to be around a birthing pool but that's not the point here) and of course you notice in which condition you are in

I wish people could stop with these insane bollocks: you don't notice or care when you give birth. Stop reducing women to this. Yes, we ABSOLUTELY do notice and care who is around, who can see and what's happening! We can't do much about it, but unless you are unconscious, it's an absolute lie that you are completely unaware of your environmement.

Some women might not care one bit, fair enough, but can we stop pretending it doesn't matter because we don't notice or care? It's a lie.

It sounds both too much and too little- an odd situation for him but also not really sufficient support for her- am not saying he should be giving more support but that she needs a better plan. NRTFT so apols if already discussed but would she consider a doula? Someone loitering round the hospital but not actually in the delivery room isn't really going to cut it, especially with what sounds like it might be a tricky birth. You could also offer to be in the delivery room yourself.

I wouldn't assume any plotting her her part. She sounds shit scared and as if she's trying to make the best of a rotten situation.

MN has an extreme amount of insecure and needy posters, who see everyone and everything as a threat or a rival or both. In real life, people are much more sane.

And yet we always tell posters to trust their instincts .....

Foolishly, I missed the sentence about her trying to borrow money from DP

Yes he "shut it down", but it's not hard to see how that could go once the baby's here and her expenses go up and earning potential down, especially if she's as bereft of support as she claims

As so many have said she needs to be getting proper support in place. The hospital team should be able to help with sources and there's nothing to stop OP/DP doing the same, but personally that's as far as I'd go, if only to prevent this turning into an utter nightmare

If she was guaranteed a perfect textbook labour/birth then it would still be weird but not so bad. DP can leave when she starts pushing, then come back a couple of hours after the baby is born and bring her some food, and he and hold the baby for a few minutes whilst she eats etc. That would be tolerable for me and him I think.

That’s not really how labour works, even text book ones. Even before pushing begins, you are often naked or at least partially dressed. Your nether regions are out a lot with plenty of people peering in checking progress etc.

And should things start going a bit wrong, as they often do, and more doctors/midwives pile in and start stripping her down, legs akimbo, all hands on deck, what’s he going to do? Say “ok love, I’ll be off now, text me when the baby comes”!! That’s hardly advocating for her or supporting her meaning that him being their was entirely pointless in the first place.

If it was a genuinely platonic friendship, i could perhaps be okay-ish with that. But I agree with the others: Her gagging when he accidentally touches her suggests that she is attracted to him (I have platonic male friends, it has never occurred to me to make those kind of jokes).

If she's about to be a single mum in a foreign country with zero family support, and zero involvement from the dad, she should be actively building her support network - other single mums or expat mums... If she isn't actively doing that, it could be because she's secretly fantasising about your DP stepping in into the role of her partner.

I did't have my top down when I gave birth?!?

That's one anecdote. Mine is that I ripped my t-shirt off instinctively a few hours in, because it was annoying me, and I honestly didn't care who was in the room at that point.

No way to know how this labour will go until it is underway, and the DP has said he doesn't want to see anything "gruesome" and he is squeamish when the OP is on her period. I don't think anyone, male or female, should be a birth partner if they are concerned about seeing certain things.

I think he needs to do it, she has no one else. Only other option would be you helping out. Seeing someone give birth doesn't take away from your own birth experience. it's an obligation, he's not in love with the kid or her.

if I were her I'd skip trying to push it out though, she'll likely have a c section anyway and it'll just draw the whole thing out.

Sorry I haven’t time to read the whole thread but the OP is too much - definitely a no from me, unless you go as well. As others have said she’d probably prefer a female there anyway, or at least most women would ahead of a male “friend”. And not to be unkind but it’s likely she will start leaning on him for things as a new solo mum - could he shop for her etc etc. so you need boundaries which presently don’t exist.

Well it's a bit late for that now, but I a gree for after the birth.

Yeah I have to say I thoroughly agree with OP. This is waaay too intimate for just a friendship. There's no way I'd be letting my husband participate in another woman's birth. I understand that they are friends and there's absolutely nothing wrong with female/male friendships but this just crosses so many boundaries. If your partner has any respect for you he will not go through with it. Somebody else will have to be there to support her, If she really has nobody else to go with her I'm sure the midwives will support her. Good luck OP.

Could she afford to hire a doula? I wonder if there's a support group she could talk to.

She does not need a birth partner, midwives are wonderful if you don’t have an active birth partner with you. I had my DH keep out of the way whilst I was in labour, he was in the room but as soon as things started to get real I only wanted the midwife. I didn’t ask DH to leave the room but he was there so he experienced our children being born and to keep me company in the boring early stages.

I agree with this statement on half the threads but not on this one! Any single one of my friends, family, husbands friends, people who don’t know mumsnet even exists, anybody I asked to read this would agree it’s bat shit crazy.
Insecure and needy for not wanting your partner at another woman’s childbirth?! Come on man…

I wouldn't be ok with this in a million years.

I'm not a naturally cynical person, but i have to admit my first thought would be whether they were carrying on an affair behind my back.

Assuming not, it's absolutely not appropriate for dh to be supporting her at the birth.

I would tell him you have sought advice from a lot of friends and tell him the general consensus is that everyone assumes you’re the father, how on earth do you think that makes me feel?

I think you're getting annoyed about people generalising too much from their experience, but doing the same. I didn't notice or care what I wore during either of my births and for one of them I did end up entirely naked, for the other I was in just a bralette. After my second the midwife actually had to gently suggest I might want to put some knickers on after I had my postpartum shower because I was so blasé about wandering around naked at that point! It doesn't make it universal - clearly that isn't how you felt - but it isn't 'insane bollocks' or 'complete nonsense' to say that's how I felt and that it is a possible way that a woman giving birth might feel.

If your partner has any respect for you he will not go through with it. Somebody else will have to be there to support her, If she really has nobody else to go with her I'm sure the midwives will support her

Exactly. There are student midwives who stay with you. It’s hardly like you’re alone. But it’s not just what you said about OP’s partner having respect for OP, it’s this woman having no respect for OP at all. I would never think to ask another woman’s partner to be with me when I gave birth. It’s disrespectful.

If this woman is genuinely nervous - and tbh I think there’s more to this than that - then what she should have said to OP’s partner is, “Look, I’ve got no-one to be with me at the birth, Dan. Do you think your partner would be up for being with me? I don’t want to ask her directly in case she wouldn’t and would feel awkward saying No.”

That’s what any normal woman would do. She knows OP, she’s been out for meals with her, she trusts OP as the partner of her friend - and OP is a woman. It’s totally bloody irrelevant whether OP speaks her first language or not because this woman speaks very good English. There are loads of couples where one doesn’t have English as their first language. They all manage fine.

This woman is either replacing her partner with OP’s or is struggling and needs professional support.

I wish people could stop with these insane bollocks: you don't notice or care when you give birth. Stop reducing women to this. Yes, we ABSOLUTELY do notice and care who is around, who can see and what's happening! We can't do much about it, but unless you are unconscious, it's an absolute lie that you are completely unaware of your environmement. Some women might not care one bit, fair enough, but can we stop pretending it doesn't matter because we don't notice or care? It's a lie.

I care, quite a lot actually. I don’t want to be seen naked by strangers. I’ve also had three babies, and I don’t think it’s “insane bollocks” at all.

Two births were conducted with pretty good presence of mind; boobs remained covered, dignity was kept as intact as possible. The other birth was fucking hard and after around 36 hours I was pissed off, exhausted, too hot, and I lost the ability to care. The next few hours were spent fully nude, with me barely noticing who was in the room; I couldn’t have cared less if they’d brought an entire team of students in at that point. The people describing their experience of not caring aren’t “reducing women” to anything. It’s not a lie, and this kind of reaction is actually quite normal.

I agree with you. Also had 5 DC, all completely different births but I’ve definitely been all levels of naked. You obviously do skin to skin when they’re born and breastfeed so she’ll have her breasts out. Your bottom half is out from the off because you need examinations a lot. If you have a C-section you get naked aside from a surgical robe and disposable pants which they remove during the process. The whole thing is incredibly exposing and intimate.

I am not generalising MY experience, it's from speaking with a lot of women and reading a lot in various forum.

As I said, SOME women did not care, great.

But so many women DO care, and the fact that their privacy and dignity is so quickly dismissed is not acceptable.

It is bollocks because deciding that privacy and self-awareness in these moments doesn't exist or is not important is damaging to women. It's always coming down as a universal "you won't care when you are pushing". well talk about yourself, many do.

Surely it's better to assume all women need privacy and dignity, so when they are more relax, it's a non issue than the other way round?

I think you're making a point that clearly means a lot to you but that a) isn't served best by calling other women liars or claiming they're talking 'insane bollocks' b) is nothing really to do with this thread.

And this assumption will also be made by hospital staff if he's there at the birth (and ooooops, she popped his name on the baby's birth certificate by mistake .....)

I agree with about the too much and too little thing - also suggested a doula. Hope the OP can suggest this to the friend, seems the best solution if a family member can't be there.

You can't do that in the UK. Are you in the US?