Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

What is your point? That poster is saying HE can say no, not the OP on his behalf.

That he isn't her husband, he is her partner of a year.

And?

And that means its a pretty new relationship. Not a marriage.

MN is so fucking credulous and lacking in critical thinking. Most of the time.

Any post on MN is from the viewpoint of the OP - of course it is. If the OP is reporting what a partner/relative/friend is saying, again, of course it is from their viewpoint. There’s no other way to run a forum like this.

What OP is reporting about her DP is, however, entirely plausible. And the forum only really works if we start from the basis that people are here in good faith, and simply don’t post on a thread if we feel something in it fails the sniff test.

This applies to literally any post. You have to take it at face value otherwise there’s no point in engaging with anything on here.

If she's this needy before the birth, it's going to be a shit show afterwards

Exactly this

Also, her ex partner's gone AWOL, her family are "useless", her friends are just for socialising and the only possible support she can source is OP's partner?

Come off it ... as countless PPs have said there are organisations who cater for exactly this sort of thing and the kindest route may be to signpost Mia to some of them. Visit and be friendly after the baby's born certainly, but the partner putting his head in this particular noose would be too much for me

Another MN thread that makes me lose my faith in human nature.

Poor woman must be absolutely terrified. Can you not imagine how it might feel?

Neurotypicals and their amazing levels of empathy eh?

WTF??
What is this batshittery about ‘neurotypicals’ and their lack of empathy?

Bit of a stretch.

don't be daft, it has nothing to do with being neurotypical.

MN has an extreme amount of insecure and needy posters, who see everyone and everything as a threat or a rival or both. In real life, people are much more sane.

Ah I see. Just pedantic correction of a poster who gave examples of men who have found birth difficult and didn't mention a word about their relationship as context. Got it!

Quite an assumption there.

What the fuck?

Giving birth involves being mostly naked - when it all starts happening there is no room for modesty.

This woman really needs to find a female support person or hire a doula. It is really wrong for her to have your partner there.

She will have her top down, they will need to attach leads to her (CTG), maybe she will want a birthing pool or need help getting in/out, or help going to the bathroom. She won’t be in a state to notice that her boobs and butt are out.

First time pregnancies have a high risk of birth interventions and there will be all sorts of action needed on her privates.

It is gory, unpredictable, extremely intimate and everyone around you will assume he is her partner/father of the child.

If you can definitely rule out him being the father of the baby and it all being an elaborate lie (which would be my first thought).

I can see why you might want someone from your home country present while you’re vulnerable and giving birth, particularly if there are language issues. But if that’s the case, the two of you go and support her together, as a couple.

If it’s a genuine, innocent request for support she shouldn’t have a problem with that and I think it’s more appropriate.

She is at her most vulnerable and is biologically wired to latch onto a male protector/provider figure (what a cavewoman would want to do for survival) so I think your partner is going to be on the hook for all sorts of husband/father roles down the track.

If she's this needy before the birth, it's going to be a shit show afterwards.

If OP is this insecure and controlling after shagging for boyfriend for 12 months, it's going to be a shit show for the next few decades of relationship.

The fact that she feels so keen to dispense with his presence during the most testing and awful parts of the experience might suggest that her need for his support isn't as acute as it is being made out to be.
She’s allowing sexual pride to be a deciding factor, which would allow me to conclude that DP’s involvement is required for reasons other than raw human necessity.

Your DP has an urgent, unexpected and unavoidable thing to do on that very day. What a shame! You, on the other hand, are available to replace him. That should.be OK? It's not a acceptable demand from her.at all.

This, absolutely!
She's following her very strong 'mother Bear' instincts which are making her want to steal your partner away from you.
It sounds to me as if he might haplessly go along with this because he's too polite to say no.

I had an induction, and did not have a baby until the next day. She has been recommended a C-section, and that is likely what she will end up having, but not before a long drawn out labour there is no way she will have that baby in a day, your partner will need to be around the next day and she will also need help getting home, and especially need help if she has had a C-section. I have deep sympathy for her, this must be horrible, but it is not your partners problem. Hospitals will usually put more care in place for women in her situation and she can always ask for student midwives so she has someone with her.

I think if you both wanted to offer then you can both be around to help her once she has the baby, but she should have someone other than your dp there at the birth.

Doula UK provide an access fund for free Doula support https://doula.org.uk/access-fund I think something like this will be better for her because she will have an experienced and skilled birth worker who understands the maternity system, birth and newborn care who will be there for the full duration of birth and possibly aftercare. If you are in London there is also https://neighbourhooddoulas.org

"Neurotypicals and their empathy"?! I'm autistic and I find this weird.

It's not about lack of sisterhood - which surely goes both ways and involves not making your friend's partner feel deeply uncomfortable - or about OP being some sort of jealous controlling harridan because she's only been with her partner a year and therefore gets no say. It's not about men and women being friends, because most of the posters saying this isn't OK are fine with men and women being friends in general.

It's about a very odd situation with a lot of blurred boundaries and, yes, Mia is in a horrible situation but that doesn't give her the right to rely solely on one friend with no regard for how it might impact said friend, his work, and his relationship.

As to the "it's a four-year friendship" line, yes they have been friends for four years but it has clearly ramped up the intensity rather a lot ever since "Josh" buggered off. It's not like they've been this close for years and years and OP is just a jealous newcomer. They've been in a relationship for longer than "Mia" and OP's partner have been quite so close.

This is a difficult dilemma. No one should be alone to give birth, that's a very sad situation to be in, but it's a lot to ask you dp to take on alone.

If you want to support her perhaps suggest that you will both be there for her - you come as a pair. Your dp will need someone to support him too, he shouldn't do it alone especially as it's considered a high-risk birth.

Agree. Inductions have a high chance of ending in a c-section, about 50%. Often because needing an induction is in itself a sign that things aren’t proceeding well, either birth needs to be speeded up, or the woman is not ready to give birth.
If she wants a natural delivery this is not the way to go about it. Has she been advised not to go over her due date as she is small ? It sounds as though she has a high chance of needing a c-section, which would probably end up being the next day if she does get induced. She could go into natural labour before then, babies aren’t predictable to a day, so what are her plans if that happens ? It’s totally unrealistic to think that the baby will be born at a fixed time when your partner isn’t working.
My DH has a few lifelong female friends, and if one of them had needed support and asked him for help during labour he would probably have said yes, but I know that all of them would have far preferred a woman with them, not a male friend. It would have to be an emergency situation really.
Both DH and I have opposite-sex friends of decades standing, and neither of us has ever had any romantic interest in any of them. So I am generally very pro friendships of both sexes, but I do agree with pps that the shuddering when he brushes past her etc, strongly suggests that she does find your partner very attractive . It’s really strange to be like that with a friend, one is normally just relaxed, and there isn’t any need to insist on a lack of attraction, as it’s not on your mind at all. So there is that, plus the way she wants your partner to be her main support and confidante, without reading that he is a bit uncomfortable about that and wants to step back. I think he should say he doesn’t really want to be there and can’t be free to be there at any point anyway, so she needs to either hire a doula, ask a family member, or a friend who can be free whenever needed. He can then help in an easier way, take her things she needs etc, but not become a substitute partner.
I had a doula with dc2 as DH was caring for our toddler- we had someone who could look after toddler in the day but not overnight. By the time I gave birth DH had been able to come back in but it was good having the doula with me through the night. It’s the best solution here really, but if she is trying to borrow money then I assume she can’t pay for a doula ?
I suppose she has been hoping that her ex will step up and be there, but that doesn’t sound likely at all ?