Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

I'm in the UK and was being slightly tongue in cheek

sorry. In the US you actual do get a social security card etc.

not card but a number - they record the birth there

so wouldn't be an unheard of risk

I would not want my partner involved in this incredibly intimate private moment with another woman.

I would not want my partner's first experience of childbirth being with another woman.

I would not want to risk him being so horrified by the experience, especially if it goes wrong, that it puts him off parenthood / doing the necessary to get you pregnant as a result, should you want this.

I would not want my partner being sucked in to the inevitable post partum support she will need - post natal depression, babysitting, lifts to appointments, help lifting, carrying, shopping, DIY, borrowing money, intimate sessions over a glass of wine venting about how unhappy and lonely she is going through all this alone ...

And am I right your partner, the woman and her flaky ex are all from the same country - where a different language is spoken? That's a bond between the two of them right there that you don't share.

I would not be facilitating my partner doing something that made me uncomfortable in our relationship by doing something that feels inappropriate.

She could be helped in other more remote ways by you as a couple - a gift of a professional doula who really knows what she's doing in a potentially stressful and scary situation, a cleaner once a week, a laundry service. Maybe find out about prenatal / mother and baby groups in her area and encourage her to start widening her own circle of friends.

I can see her becoming a wedge between you.

Do you want that?

I have lost track of what you are arguing here. Of course women should have the privacy and dignity they want - the best way to achieve that is by only having people in the birthing room with whom they feel relaxed to do anything that helps them birth the baby. Strip off totally, wear a million blankets, crawl around the room to ease spinal pressure, bounce and grunt on a birthing ball, be completely quiet or 100% vocal.

But sharing the birthing room with someone who wants to leave if things get "gruesome" will not be relaxing and helpful.

Can’t her parents / siblings come over to assist? I wouldn’t be happy with this whole situation.

Is it not possible for one of her family to come over and be with her, surely there must be one relative who cares enough to come and help her. I'm sorry for her poor woman, what a shit her Ex turned out to be

@JFDIYOLO I think your comment sums things up perfectly for me. However innocent their friendship is and no matter how well intentioned they are, him being there would not sit right with me for all the reasons you give.

If he goes through with this, he'll have to make it really clear he's not the dad and not next of kin and can't make medical decisions for her

He's nuts to do this. He's not going to be able to leave when she's pushing. If things go south, he's going to see a lot that he doesn't want to see.

That he's uncomfortable with this kind of mega boundary stomping ask means he knows it's unreasonable, to say the least. He's not a bad guy if he refuses. She needs professional and knowledgeable support, especially if she needs money. Social services at the hospital can advise her on that. But with a dad involved, they think he's the support. She's really not doing herself any favours here by asked ng an untrained person who's ignorant of what labour and delivery involves. That's why I think her end game is for your partner to be hers.

I am a very happily married woman with absolutely no desire or intent to stray but when one of my DCs was younger they were protected in a hairy situation by an adult male. For the next few months I found myself thinking how attractive that bloke was (yeah no he wasn't) and it was only once I had fully processed the event that I saw him as old, grumpy and short again. Mia doesn't have to start with feelings towards the OPs partner for them develop if he steps up as the knight in shining armour.

Exactly. To think that Mia and OP's boyfriend won't both go all googly eyed at one another seeing each other holding this tiny newborn with all of the dynamics floating around about their closeness and her being a damsel in distress is naive. Playing with absolute fire here.

😂😂

Romcom season is fully on by the sound of it

There are free services to help women who are alone in labour (I was one). Birth companions who are mainly experienced women who are well-equipped to help. She can be referred by her midwife. Your DP is a hard no.

😂I know! Never heard of anything like this in my life. Not something I'd want my new partner of a year embroiled in tbh, OP's spidey senses are tingling for a good reason here imo.

Would not be happy about this at all, YANBU

If you really like her, offer to be her birth supporter. I don’t think it’s suitable for your partner. Way too intimate.

Absolutely, and we always tell women to trust their instincts.

i don’t have male friends of such, but I can’t imagine asking a male colleague to see me giving birth!?! Having said that, if I had designs on a guy, I wouldn’t want him to witness that either! All very odd and inappropriate

Hi all - today DP text Mia a very thorough message explaining that he is not comfortable being at the birth as he thinks he won’t be any use and he also can’t guarantee being available due to work commitments etc. He also made a comment to her that he feels at times like he is the baby’s father when she vents to him about pregnancy and he’s struggling to find the friendship enjoyable at the moment.

He only told me after he had sent the message and he put it in to Google translate to show me what he had written. I actually felt that some of the comments about not enjoying the friendship and feeling like he was being vented to as if he were to father to be a bit cruel and I felt DP was kicking her when she was down and I told him this. DP justified it by saying that some of the meet-ups have been incredibly uncomfortable for him with her talking about breast pumps she wants to buy etc and he feels this was inappropriate of her and made him feel like he was being treated as the father. Also when she’s asked him for money to get to ante-natal appointments etc. He’s also been mistaken for the father many times when they are out since she’s been visibly pregnant and he’s finding it a bit irritating. He also says he can’t get a word in edgeways lately and she never asks about him as all conversations revolve around Josh and the baby.

He also said in the message that he still wants to be friends and would love to meet the baby when it’s born but he feels the friendship needs some boundaries.

She responded and was angry saying she thought the friendship was worth more than this etc. she sent him a voice note shouting and she sounded very upset and on the verge of tears. He is leaving her to calm down and has contacted the mutual acquaintance to reach out and check she is okay. Said mutual female acquaintance isn’t sure about being there at the birth but will speak to her and offer other support

I think in this case, he’s ultimately had to be cruel to be kind. It doesn’t sound like there were any romantic feelings from her side, but either way she has been left without a partner herself and was likely looking for someone to fill that void, romantically or not.

He's done the right thing. She needs to learn to lean on people appropriately and only by setting some boundaries can help help her do that

Honestly, your DP's firm response was very necessary. It's far better to rip the bandaid off now rather than after an intimate shared birth experience.

You can feel absolutely sorry for her situation, as she's very vulnerable and alone (Damn that Josh) but she needs midwives, social supports and stability, not a idealized friendship savior.

I think the reaction shows it was the necessary thing to do.

I think he has done the right thing

He absolutely did the right thing. Mia's reaction shows he hit a raw nerve and home truths hurt but are necessary. She was overstepping in almost every sense.