Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

The visa situation is surmountable - I'm guessing 'Mia' isn't North Korean?!

I would not agree to be present at the birth, the OP hardly knows this person herself.

If something goes wrong, who is 'Mia's' next of kin? The OP/the OP's partner's only role here should be helping her see sense that what she has planned is not going to work.

Doula, seriously. But the NoK thing is no joke.

It's her partner of a year.

Nip this in the Bud, or let him go, being fully aware that she has her eye on him as a father figure for her child because she knows he is kind and reliable.

Definitely. If there was ever a case for boundaries, it's this situation

⚠️HELL TO THE NO!!⚠️
She's definitely lining him up to replace the baby's partner, this will create a bond between them that will eclipse the bond that he has with you OP.

Ah, I think now you’re just contorting yourself to prove a tangential point here, and none of it is really about OP’s (nor Mia’s) actual circs as she presents them.

If this were a case of attending an MRI appt with her, then fire away.
But this little story has so many very dicey looking wires coming from it, DP would need at least to be sufficiently bombproof before agreeing to this nativity scene. It sounds as though he is anything but.

Him being a partner not a husband doesn't affect that "he has the right to say no" if he feels uneasy does it?

Absolute hard no. Hard no. This is such an incredibly intimate life experience that he’d be insane to think that this wouldn’t mean something to her in the long (and short) term. I really wouldn’t be surprised if she expected DP to care for her post birth and he gets multiple phone calls all hours of the night. He is incredibly naive if he does not see it heading in this direction. He needs to be kind but firm with her about what he can offer her and going to the birth really does need to be a hard no.

Giving birth is an extremely intimate experience

Yeah, don’t know about that. With one of mine an ex-colleague (male) heard I was in that hospital giving birth so thought he would come ‘catch up’. He didn’t seem to think that was strange🫤, and tbh in the moment I was too pre-occupied to tell him he had a disordered thinking process🤣. Anyway, somehow that led to my ob (I went private), midwife and DH wandering across the room to chat between themselves while we ‘caught up’. So, ex-colleague jumped into birth partner role, while prattling out gossip etc. Then I’m guessing he felt some level of investment so stayed for the grand finale as a bystander/observer. All meanwhile, not doing his actual job, but no change there from when I worked with him🙄.

Another birth, a paediatrician (male) one of my older kids had seen for years heard I was giving birth, and came for a visit while I was very progressed in labour. Ob, midwife and DH took the opportunity to huddle and go on about a new golf course or one that had shut or something related. Things were at the pointy end and the ob started to wander back to look at progress but the paed shoo’d him away saying something to the effect of ‘no you keep talking, not quite there yet, I’ve got it’ and acted as a combo of birth partner and ob so they could continue their golf prattle. He also stayed for the main event and gave baby a quick once over before wishing us well and leaving🤣. Even though my other births did not have ‘visitors’ I wouldn’t really have called those intimate events either frankly, but maybe that’s just me.

OP would suffer the absence of the partner as he’s more and more required to fulfil Mia’s support needs, I mean. This proposed birth plan will rob her of the bloke she’s only just set up home with, and with whom she is still in a fairly new relationship.

😂

what are you on about? It's a birth plan, not the blueprint and strict schedule to raise the child for the next 18 years 😂

It sounds like part of her problem is that she's been here for four years and won't make friends with anyone outside her own culture. The way you're telling it, she had only two people in her life - your boyfriend and her ex - and both were "from her home country". Is there a reason she won't / can't make friends from anywhere else? A language barrier? Or is she just not willing to make the effort?

I don't mean to sound cruel. I do feel for her. But she needs to join some mum and baby classes and pull her finger out. She can't raise her child in this same unassimilated isolation she's been living in. It's not fair on anyone.

And while I believe you that she wasn't attracted to your DP before, she's clearly using him as an emotional and financial substitute for her absent partner, and I would be very on guard about where that leads.

I've read your updates @BeetrootBrownies but not the rest of the thread.

She is clearly close to your DP but also seems to really want to make an effort to be friends with you (her being proactive and contacting you when he was away etc).

It might be worth starting to build a closer friendship with her - it sounds like Mia and your DP are likely to be in each others lives and by extension she will be in yours for the foreseeable.

If you do have any suspicions about them, you would get more of a heads up too.

In terms of the birth, I would speak to her and offer to be there with her. Both you and DP can be there for the long boring bits, but then when it comes to the more intimate bits, DP could leave the room and you could stay to support her - if she wanted it.

This woman will be aware at some level that if your partner participates in this with her it will be very difficult for him to say no to anything else that she requests.

also some posters assume she won’t be able to communicate in the delivery room and will need OPs partner to translate. I highly doubt that she will struggle with the English given she has a degree here.

Everyone who says we’re not sisterly and denying a woman company when she’s at her most vulnerable…. come on. Who chooses a partnered up male friend of 4 years as a birth partner without some kind of design? And yeah I don’t buy the language barrier.

And even though the birth won’t be seductive Mia and OPs boyfriend will bond in a very primal way at the birth.

As someone who’s lived abroad years: us expats/immigrants/foreigners are aware that we chose to be away from our support network. We left our community and for that we’re taking responsibility. We know giving birth abroad is not gonna be like home (with mums sisters primary school besties available). I’m sure Mia is grown up / street smart enough to get that.

She has her eye on you boyfriend and even in the unlikely case that she doesn’t relationships will become much more entangled after the birth experience. Your partner is not going to do her a favour if he chooses to be the birth partner.

Also a bit cheeky that he puts it on you to say ‘no’ to this plan. He shouldn’t want to do this out of respect for you.

Basically OP don’t do it.

I think she has been her longer than 4 years - OP said she had done a degree here - it's that she and DP met 4 years ago at a hobby.

Nobody has said that he can't say no. OP is worried that he won't say no because he decides that is the best and right thing to do.

To be fair, a woman being pregnant doesn't actually mean that everyone should do exactly as she wishes, no matter how it might make them feel. She's pregnant, not god.

That aside, given that he apparently feels uncomfortable about it, and has zero experience with the situation, and neither he nor she want him there when she transitions into pushing or things get 'gruesome', it just doesn't seem like a very practical plan. Mia should probably be looking for a birth partner who has been through the experience before - in addition to OP's DP, if not instead of.

No, I mean why did you reply to "If your husband OP is feeling uneasy he has the right to say no. No guilt tripping." to say "He is her partner of a year." Why is that relevant?

That sounds like a good idea

And even though the birth won’t be seductive Mia and OPs boyfriend will bond in a very primal way at the birth.

when you see how many couples split up after a birth, and how it's often the end of a relationship, I wouldn't be too worried about that 😂

We don't know how OP's boyfriend really feels about any of this, not his friendship with Mia, nor attending the birth, nor his relationship with OP.

We know what OP chooses to tell us, based on her interpretation of events. This is subjective and potentially inaccurate. We also know what (OP says) her boyfriend has told OP about what he thinks and feels. Which may or may not be the whole truth, and is also subjective and potentially inaccurate.

MN is so fucking credulous and lacking in critical thinking. Most of the time.

Is he going to go stay with her after the birth as well, especially if she has a section?

knowing that husbands are not allowed to stay, how would he manage that even if he wanted to?

Because he isn't her husband, he is her partner of one year (in a pretty whirlwind relationship).

?

If he does this, is he going to be on call in her recovery? And throughout the newborn stage?