Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

He hasn’t said yes. He is thinking about it and discussing with OP.

Regardless of gender, I don’t think anyone should say yes to being a birth partner to a friend if they are ambivalent about it.

ETA what do you mean, work that out at the time - if she is in the moment and sobbing in pain, that’s not the time to “work things out”

And if there are complications with the baby his role is not going to end with the birth anyway. I can’t help feeling Mia has yet to fully take ownership of her decision to continue with the pregnancy in a foreign (to her) country without family support.

I think it is better than leaving someone alone. He will probably say yes, he sounds like a good guy.

So let's make sure she is totally alone and isolated so she learns her lesson?

She won't be alone, there will be at least one midwife there, who will be much more use to her, frankly!

Eveyone does. Don't tell me you still hang around several times a week like you used to. If people have some free time after work which they used to spend with friends now they will prioritise their relationship if they have to choose. People get busy with their lives. OP can offer birth support though.

He probably wouldnt even raise it if she is in that state. He would emotionally and physically support his friend because he isnt callous and cruel, like most humans with compassion would.

She won’t be alone and isolated, she’ll be in a hospital.

The father himself pissed off abroad. It's not the OP's DP's obligation to replace him.

I dont hang out several times a week because I work and I have kids. Nothing to do with my partner. If I wasn't employed, I'd see my friends far more often. I dont just spend all my time with my man once I am in a relationship. I had friends and a family who existed way before any man that came in my life.

I think it will go on and on because Mia was asking him for money while she was working so it'll be even tighter when she is on mat leave.

@BeCalmLilacLion
I guess then your firends understand that you are busy (and into a relationship?) so they don't think you used and sicarded them. There are many men who still go our for drinks in the evenings as they used to disregarding their family.

She might have been short because her fridge broke one month!

Do you think if someone goes out for a drink with friends, they are 'disregarding their family?"

Giving birth is an extremely intimate experience.

No I would not be ok with my DP going no matter how isolated Mia is. What if your DP was not her friend? Many women during COVID gave birth alone. Potentially she may be more supported by the midwifes because of this.

Clear boundaries are needed here.

Is she can't afford a fridge or put in on a credit card/payment plan without OP's partner's help then she really is going to be broke for the next few months.

No sometimes people get temporarily stuck and a better choice is to ask a friend. Ive done it. People have asked me.

Quite clrearly, I didn't say for a drink. ONE drink is different from multiple nights out a week for drinks. It also depends on how busy you are. Most people I know don't have the time or energy to meet with friends weekly and neither do their friends and they understand.

If her fridge broke down and she couldn't afford it how do you think she will cope while on maternity leave or when she needs childcare? It's sad but he needs to be very careful.

This
100pc it is too much for your dp to be there
Totally bizarre

This 100pc

She needs to hire a doula, end of, or one of her family members needs to fly over and help.

Doesn't her family live abroad? There could be visa restrictions. If the OP offers at least it shows that it's not always possible or ok for her DP to be available. He draws some boundaries. So if Mia asks again he could say OP would be glad to help as he doesn't feel comfortable or is not very knowledgeable, it's the right thing etc.

Well, do admit that going by what we've learned so far, Mia is not a great judge of what’s rational.

She will rely on her support network if she needs help. There is nothing wrong with that.

Who goes out multiple nights a week for drinks? Why did you bring that up?

I think you're confusing your own expectations and needs, with everyone's expectations and needs. Whether or not you consider your partner going out for drinks every night as disregarding your family depends solely on your own expectations. For some families, that's how they expected family life to be and they don't want things any differently.

My husband is very "hands on" as a male parent. One of my closest friends couldn't stand it if her husband was that way.

Absolutely. Friend of my husband is in traffic police. He has seen decapitated drivers, bodies in bits, he assembles them off the road and puts all pieces under sheet for morgue to do its job. When they had to use forceps on his wife and baby, he fainted. It is a totally different experience.

I also have a brother I love to bits, wouldn´t want him as birth partner though, especially now I know what it entails having had a kid myself.

If your husband OP is feeling uneasy he has the right to say no. No guilt tripping.