Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

You love bombed him for somewhere to live.

And he's either there for her or not. She may as well not have him there at all if he's going to wimp out. That whole birth thing is just bizarre for him to be involved in.

Agree with all this.

Also, if she's keen for a vaginal birth, does she know that the progression of labour - especially first child - can really slow down when the mother isn't comfortable? For me this happened when my hospital couldn't offer me a room. For my friend it happened when she was pressured into accepting a male midwife.

Labour is a crazy, animalistic experience. Potentially full of nudity, weird positions and gutteral noises. To be allowed to progress (relatively) naturally can take a careful balance of care. When this balance is disrupted, interventions become far more likely.

She of course doesn't know this any of this yet. I'd get DP to speak to women who've already given birth so he can understand what is being asked of him. And then perhaps you both can help the friend find a suitable woman for the job.

Very few partnered men would find themselves the preferred or only option as birth partner to a woman they've known four years.
Mia is using OPs partner as a substitute for a partner of her own in a way that would cross the boundaries of many people. They haven't gone overnight from appropriately boundaried friendship to such an intimate request.
The OPs partner has allowed this so far and it has rather predictably escalated. From being the 'good man' who sympathised with her about the 'bad man', he is now seen as a person who can help financially, to share medical details with, and now as a birth partner.
He should have spotted the red flags earlier and established boundaries. It is possible that he has been naive, but equally possible he has been enjoying his role of good guy and allowed the friendship to stray rather than do so.

Will he be offering breast feeding support too? Staying over to help with night feeds?
It will be assumed by the midwives that he is the father of the baby. Wether you are cool with that is up to you.
Nip this in the Bud, or let him go, being fully aware that she has her eye on him as a father figure for her child because she knows he is kind and reliable.

All I can think is that I, personally, would not want to go through labour with any man who had never seen me naked. And the pushing stage, when he is going to 'leave the room' was the stage where I most wanted someone with me, hanging on to my hand and telling me everything was going well and it would all be all right.

I think Mia and DP are both (understandably) naive about what birth can be like. Would either be happy if she shits herself? She says she'd want him to leave at the pushing part but by then she may be holding his hand in a vice-like grip and screaming at him not to go. Whatever happens, him being there will greatly strengthen the bond between them and that might not be healthy for anyone.

Something I feel people are overlooking is that Mia has asked the OP’s DP to lend her money in the past. She is very likely to do so again when she has a child to support.

Is the support she needs down to language? If she is not fluent in English and worries that she won’t be able to communicate fully without your DP to assist then I see that as completely understandable. Perhaps he can help translate a birth plan for her. If it is the moral support she is after, I see this as a small red flag for future involvement.

OP has said:

Yes they do share a common language that is not widely spoken in the UK. However she is very fluent in English and has done a degree in the UK etc.

It might be weird for you. Maybe not for Mia. Mia isn't you.

A relationship mutually progressing in 6 months is not love bombing.

Love bombing is a specific thing. Grandiose declarations of love made at the start of a (abusive) relationship that come out from nowhere.

It's a lot to ask of anyone. Given she's fond of you, I'm surprised she hasn't asked you rather than him. Who wouldn't prefer a woman birth partner in that scenario?

It is very weird for most of us here. It’s definitely unusual at best.

Or her mother or sister, if she has one. It's unusual in the circumstances to not have a mother or sister come over to support you, especially as she's booked in for an induction so she knows exactly when it will be.

Totally agree. And they have now been living together for a further 6 months so compatibility seems to be going well so far.

Of course, sometimes external events accelerate a relationship (e.g. the pandemic and couples deciding whether to co-habit/bubble) - 'twas ever thus.

It's not even a birth partner, I can't see what difference it makes to have a female or a male friend then, it wouldn't bother many of us either way.

In the same token, it would bother many of us to have a friend around during the actual childbirth, really want to keep that time as private as humanly possible.

OP would suffer the absence of the partner as he’s more and more required to fulfil Mia’s support needs, I mean. This proposed birth plan will rob her of the bloke she’s only just set up home with, and with whom she is still in a fairly new relationship. It’ll be a sore test of their setup, I’d think.

Naturally this discussion is largely about OP; she has asked whether her reactions are justified. Though how it wouldn't involve her one bit is beyond me anyway; are you really such a Cool Girl™️ that nothing she has told us would make you turn a hair?
I’m not bothered by concerns about a sexual relationship between DP and this Mia, but about the inevitable annexing of his time, focus, and other support once she is home with her baby. Naturally she had rather hoped he’d be otherwise occupied, at home.

But most of all really, I wonder about how accurate a picture we are getting, or at least, how detailed. It’s difficult to judge Mia’s isolation and need really, how distanced she is from family, and to what extent the father of her child is able legally to evade any responsibility.
(Also, exactly what was her plan in continuing the pregnancy alone, abroad, and seemingly now reliant on a man ( DP) whose support had not been secured)

Okay but this is one group of people who frequent this site. It is unusual. Who cares? A pregnant woman needs support. That's all that matters.

Why do you think this will go on and on? Why do you think the OP is obliged to have this man be at her bidding and not someone else's? It's all very controlling and toxic sounding to me.

I think they both have unrealistic ideas if how labour can progress - understandably as theyve never been through it. It's not like it's all v calm, professional and clinical until the moment of pushing, it's hot, sweaty, intimate and can be lots of exposure during cervical checks, he's going to be standing there while midwives are examining her intimately. No he won't see anything but that's a LOT imo, even for me supporting a friend. Contractions can be intense after induction, or she may not deliver on his day off - that's the best case scenario for you both tbh, but what is her plan then, is she going to cry at him to take the day off? The chances of her letting him go without a fuss when pushing starts is slim tbh, not her fault but it's overwhelming and it ll be the hardest point of the experience to actually walk out imo. There may not be much notice either, I went from them trying to put an epidural in to suddenly saying I needed to lie down and then yelled, scared the crap out of my DP, was a completely involuntary sound that the midwife immediately recognised as me needing to push, I just don't see how him walking out at that point will be emotionally possible for either of them and tbh I'd have been fine giving birth on my own.
A doula really is the best idea so she has support the whole way through....... And tbh OP I don't know what ye are going to do when the baby's here if she's needed this much support just in pregnancy, especially if she has a section, what on earth is her plan then?! If your partner does end up attending the birth he at least needs to make it clear to the midwife that they both have agreed he should not be present from the pushing stage and they need to give him direction when to exit, and that he is not a substitute dad that will be around after the birth bar maybe dropping in some shopping maybe.
BTW predicted baby sizes are v often wrong, and as a 5ft5 size 6 prepregnancy I gave birth to a 9lb1 baby naturally so I wouldn't let either of them stress too much about that side 9f things, the team will assess and adjust as things present themselves on the day

So ive borrowed money off a friend? Whats the problem?

And many people have replied making suggestions of where that support might be better found - not least because the DP himself is not very keen ('weirded out') and plans to leave the room during active labour. Oh, and who is also under the impression that it will be wrapped up within a day i.e. his day off and who is bored talking about pregnancy cushions.

A doula who is committed to stay with Mia throughout is going to be much better for Mia. I would say that even if OP wasn't dating the guy in question - if she was describing a situation that her brother was in, say.

ABSOLUTELY THIS!

Later it will be "oh, come and see the baby", "I need some company", "I need to go shopping can you help?", "Can you have DC on your days off so I can work?", "DC missed you.. it's so nice to have you around" and the DC will eventually see him as a father figure.

He needs to distance himself from her and make it crystal clear that he is a friend. Most people distance themselves more or less from friends when they get into a relationship and it's absolutely normal. You can't keep spending the same amount of time with them. I am surprised he still sees her once a week.

I wonder if he ever talks to her about you and your plans so she can see how busy you are together and what you mean to him. It's perfectly fine if he wants to stay in just so you can watch a movie together and not go out with her. It's still a very valid reason.

Oh and first time labours can take days.

Doulas are expensive. I'd prefer a friend. He said yes so Mia haa a birth partner she wants. If it turns out differently to they expect, they can work that out at the time. Will give him more knowledge for when he has his own children. If he does.

Why do you distance yourself from your friends when you get in a relationship? They must feel used.