Unwell Father Removing Shoes

[CyanSloth]

Hi All
Long time lurker but first time poster. Unfortunately myself and my other half have had a disagreement which I wanted some perspective on. We generally operate a no shoes house policy which has been somewhat harmonious. My elderly father (who’s had several falls over the last few weeks) has generally always been on board and removed his shoes. This evening, he was in real pain and despite being offered a chair and slippers he couldn’t remove them and winced at the thought - not wanting to push him as he’s already elderly and unwell I allowed him in with shoes. Am I being unreasonable in making this exception for one member of my family who’s struggling with their health? I’ve also offered to mop the floor after he leaves to be supportive of my OHs views. Interested in perspective here as I feel I’m going to have to push my elderly father to do it each time he’s struggling and that feels uncomfortable.

This.

WTAF?? No of course you're not being unreasonable, and your other half is being an utter twat. And if he/she is so upset by the idea of a bit of dirt, they can do the mopping themselves!

Why is the first thought 'will the floor get dirty' and not 'does father need help' ?

If your partner is absolutely amazing in all other respects and you don't want to upset him over this one thing, could you get some of those plastic over shoe things for your dad, so that he can sit on a chair and you pop them over his shoes? (Not that you should have to of course).

Is your partner this controlling about other things?

Let the poor man keep on whatever footwear he is most comfortable in and safest in.

My elderly husband has significant balance and mobility problems, has also had several falls and has painful feet. He is far more stable and comfortable with shoes on than wearing slippers or just socks. Without shoes on he can barely lift his feet off the floor and that impacts on his balance.

Us too if going upstairs (kitchen is down a few stairs so idk about that), but I never asked anyone infirm to remove shoes if going in to the living room.
It does keep the carpets cleaner and it’s pretty much the norm where I am.

I have a no shoes indoors policy in my house, but in this case I'd just allow him to keep his shoes on and would steam mop hard floors after.

I've had this exact situation in someone else's house actually with a very ill df

He had severe rheumatism and arthritis and even with me helping him he needed to try and sit to get them off
.

As I watched his host watch him and glance at the teeny bit of debris on her floor I thought what is the world coming too.

How have we come to the point where and elderly mans comfort at possibly his last Xmas comes below a carpet that can be hoovered and cleaned if necessary.
It made me feel a mix of emotions from revolted ,sick horrified and sad
We haven't crossed that threshold again and the elderly man has passed and died soon after.

To add I think it's beyond madness to assume one person as a one off will forever damage your home drag it down to the sewer.

It's madness

Plenty of us have a shoes on policy and we live and as we don't eat off the floor itndoesnt affect us
.

Just tell your partner that for balance and safety reasons your dad needs to wear shoes in case he falls. That it's painful for him to put on and remove them so he's not doing it anymore.

If that's a problem then you have a very shit boyfriend.

It really shouldn't need explaining though.
Next time your dad comes in say to your partner can you get dad a cup of tea while i get him comfy in the chair. I wouldn't make any reference to the shoes because the floor is not more important than anyone's comfort or safety, especially an elderly or unwell parent

YANBU but as a compromise could you get some disposable shoe covers from Amazon and have a box by the front door

We are a no shoes in the house family, but that doesn’t extend to my 95 year old mother. She needs her shoes for balance - she’d be an ever greater fall risk without them on.

And I’m assuming your father is mostly housebound, given his mobility challenges, so it’s not likely that his shoes would be dirty anyway?

Why not just assist your father to remove his outdoor shoes and put comfy slippers on? Or wipe the bottom of his shoes before entering the house.

I dunno, check with a Japanese person, this must happen in Japan all the time as people never where outside shoes indoors.

Expecting any guests to remove their shoes just sounds completely alien to me. It's not something any of my family or friends would dream of imposing on visitors.

Disposable shoe covers seem like the answer, but I would also suggest reviewing your father's footwear. I found, for a relative with similar issues, broad-fitting breathable deck shoes that open up wide for taking on and off, and fasten with velcro: they have firm synthetic washable soles (example in link).

https://www.chums.co.uk/products/mj507/wide-fit-touch-fasten-canvas-shoes

Your DP lacks empathy.

Get some of those plastic shoe covers maybe as a compromise. I don't like being barefoot because of plantur fasciitius but they usually keep people happy if I don't have slippers.

Repeating what several pp have already said. YANBU, but in case your DP has OCD, then these may be the answer. But what a way to make your DF feel unwelcome…

I was thinking the same reading through this. How to make him feel wholly unwelcome! Unbelievable

I hate shoes worn in the house but I’m humane enough to have exceptions. Your dh sounds very uptight and the fact you’re even concerned about it makes it sound like you live in an uptight house rather than a loving home. Is your dh a highly strung fusspot generally?

Yanbu!

We have a no shoes in the house rule but I don’t enforce it with guests.

I think it’s courteous to remove your shoes when visiting other people’s homes, especially if they have little children crawling around and playing on the carpets. However I definitely wouldn’t expect our older and unwell relatives to remove their shoes.

I also think giving people shoe covers is extreme.

I’ll put money on him not being amazing in all other respects. That kind of neuroses doesn’t tend to contain itself neatly to one thing.

I always take my shoes off when entering the room when I stay in a hotel and if I worked in an office I'd switch to indoor shoes or hard soled slippers on arrival (though that would be more for comfort than cleanliness but would help keep the office cleaner anyway)

Your dp is neither a kind nor a good man

Offices are different because they’re commercial, not ours and who cares about stuff like that in the office. I’ve automatically taken my shoes off as soon as I come in my house (all carpeted except kitchen/bathroom) for so long that seeing people on telly walking around carpeted homes in shoes seems very odd to me and I always notice. I’m not extreme about it though re other people, I never request people remove their shoes (unless they got caught in a heavy downpour) and am always polite. An elderly unwell person, whether family or not, I would never impose my preference on them.