AIBU to not want to do a with a 3-5 HR stop over with a 1.4 yr old and a 3.3 yr old for my MIL 60th birthday party?

[Banderz]

AIBU to not want to do a 22 hour journey with my 1.4 yr old and a 3.3 yr old for my MIL 60th birthday party?

My husband's family live on the other side of the world with the journey consisting of a 1 hour's drive to the airport, then a 7hr 15 minutes flight, followed by a layover of 2.5-3hrs, then a 6hr 30 min flight to our destination, followed by a 45 minute drive. So a 18 hour journey, not counting arriving a few hours before the flight for check in and then going through baggage collection at the end. Most of the times we have done the trip it ends up being more like 22-23 hours.
It will then be around 30 degrees temperature and 70% humidity at that time of year.

Our children will be 1.4 and 3.3 yrs old at the time of flying.

My husband really wants to go for his mum's 60th birthday and gets upset with me if I say it'll be too much to go when they are that age and at the hottest time of year for their country. I suggested going when our youngest is 4 - 6 months old as thats when we took our first, as they can sleep in the bassinet for a lot of the journey, but he has put so much importance on not missing her birthday party that he won't take that as a compromise. He said, what if something was to happen to my mum and we didn't go for her 60th? She has no health conditions fyi!

With any baby between 10 months and 2 years - I'd be very reluctant going that far (speaking from experience). 3 year old would be fine.

Can kind of see both sides to be honest, it's a tricky one.

Yes me too!

OP you reference a "1.4 yr old" as your youngest but then say "I suggested going when our youngest is 4 - 6 months old" - so is the "1.4 yr old" actually not yet born?

Yes dear I have. But you keep saying you go every year so I’m not sure how you’re going to avoid travelling with a toddler (unless your point is you want to skip 2027 entirely but you haven’t actually said that)

This. I've done it several times with a baby, a baby and a toddler, then a baby and two toddlers. It's hard work but you'll never look back and think about the flights. You'll think about the memories made with your partners family. They're not little forever. You won't be the only ones travelling with young kids, the airlines are well equipped.

I agree with this. You should all go.

Why won’t your DH go to the 60th party on his own?

It was FIL’s 80th this year, and we thought we’d done our duty by going to the big family week long celebration holiday in France, together with all the siblings and kids, that PIL paid for, earlier in the summer.

So when we then received an invitation to a full on formal 80th party, which was on a weekend when DH was already booked to be on a trip away with his friends, and in the middle of term time making it difficult to get the dc there, (not to mention the expense of another round of flights) we thought it was ok to skip it.

Noooo it was not. DH completely underestimated how much it meant to them. In the end it was me, who frankly would rather stick forks in my eyes than sit through yet another of their overly sentimental celebrations, who told him we just had to suck it up and find a way to do it. It was an absolute pain in the arse in myriad ways, but it meant the world to PIL that we showed up.

I agree with those saying when you marry someone whose family are abroad, you just have to do these things. Sorry.

I do feel sorry for people who have married into such enmeshed families

Small children are really easy to travel with so I’m not really understanding the issue. It’s not about the 60th birthday, surely it’s about the family meeting grandchildren and dh wanting to take his kids to his parents home?

We did 2 trips while dc were little - travelled 4 hours in a car for an 11 hour flight with 3 hours in the car after arriving - then another one was supposed to be 4 hours in the car, flight to New York then onto Chicago so we decided to have a few days in NY before the flight to Chicago… the internal flight was cancelled so we had to hire a car and drive 11 hours stopping in Pennsylvania in the snow with only the clothes on our backs… cases were on the stand by flight without us. That wasn’t ideal but dc are versatile and it was an adventure. First trip was with 4yo dd1 and 20mo twins. Both trips to see family. Honestly, stop being dramatic.

DH goes on his own. I just did a 20 hour journey, also for family (3 hour flight, 3 hour layover, and 13 hour flight) with my 14 month old and, while we were FINE, it was extremely exhausting. He didn't sleep well at all when we got there, took a week to get over jet lag, same on the way back, it was just a month of pure exhaustion for me. Not doing it again soon. No fucking way would I be doing it with 2 toddlers.

Yes, you chose to have kids with someone from abroad. But HE chose to settle and have kids in the UK.

I'm also an immigrant to the UK. My family do 90% of the visits now I have a toddler. It means my toddler hasn't met some dear elderly relatives. I am sad about it but that's my cross to bear.

That is the deal with international relationships...

Me and my partner's families are an even longer journey apart. I've done that journey once or twice ever year for 11 years now. Including with a very young child.

Is it fun? Nope.

But 24h of my hard work pays for my harmonious + loving family where both sets of grandparents feel involved in my child's life, no one feels left out, no drama, and both me and my partner feel like we do right by our parents and grandparents. Seems an easy answer to me.

We have lived in both of our respective countries before, and the deal is that which ever person's country we are living in, can't complain about going back to visit the other one's family.

Absolutely no way would I make that journey with two toddlers.
I wouldn't even do it with my 3 and it's just one toddler and two older kids. I'd lose the plot!
Toddlers get over excited. Won't sleep when they are supposed to sleep then crash out at some random time when you need them to be awake. They'll be running and climbing everywhere.
Gosh it's hard enough with my 20mnth old on a 2 hr train journey.. never mind a 22hr epic trek.
You'll go insane! I'd honestly just have a breakdown. There's no way.

Small children are really easy to travel with so I’m not really understanding the issue

what?! I’m pleased for you if your children were good travellers as toddlers, but most small children are not “really easy”‘to travel with. Between the ages of 1 and 3, my daughter could not sit still for longer than about 60 seconds. The thought of her on a long haul flight doesn’t bear thinking about.

I completely understand why OP wants to go when the baby is not yet mobile and she won’t face to spend the whole journey walking up and down the aisles with the toddler

Also, given OP’s husband refuses to go on his own with the older child, I’m not sure he will be pulling his weight regarding childcare on the flight

This party is towards the end of 2027. A little premature to start to ripping the DH to shreds I think.

So you are suggesting stopping the annual visits? For how many years?

I don't think one visit a year is unreasonable or unmanageable and I would go tbh.

I wouldn’t really call it enmeshed. We only see them two or three times a year, as they live in another country. Milestones are just a huge deal to them, which is what this thread is about. They expected the whole family to be there for their celebrations, and so we made it happen, even though it was difficult. Because they are DH’s parents, and annoying as they can be, he loves them.

I think it’s fair to say it’ll be a hard work journey and look at ways to make it easier.

I think immediately ruling out your family participating in his mums birthday celebrations is harsh. It’s not just about him celebrating his mums birthday with her. It’s about being involved in the wider celebration and gathering of family and friends.

Put in a stop over. Book one upgraded ticket on one leg so that can swap about and have more space to work with. Sounds like every other trip is planned for the practicalities. Once in a while you end up doing one where Thats about the soft squidgey emotion stuff rather than the practical.

I’ve done these long haul trips with babies/toddlers and they really suck so I feel for you, OP. But it’s also a big birthday and unless you’re going to tell us that your MIL despises you and treats you horribly, or there’s some sort of major illness you or a DC have, then I do think YABU. Can you do a couple days in the layover city to break up the trip?

This he goes on his own, far to much to drug little ones.

No they can't come and visit us for my mils 60th, or for every occasion.
I agreed and committed we would go yearly, see their family, learn their culture. Huge expense yes, travelling is a huge pain yes.