AIBU to not want to do a with a 3-5 HR stop over with a 1.4 yr old and a 3.3 yr old for my MIL 60th birthday party?

[Banderz]

AIBU to not want to do a 22 hour journey with my 1.4 yr old and a 3.3 yr old for my MIL 60th birthday party?

My husband's family live on the other side of the world with the journey consisting of a 1 hour's drive to the airport, then a 7hr 15 minutes flight, followed by a layover of 2.5-3hrs, then a 6hr 30 min flight to our destination, followed by a 45 minute drive. So a 18 hour journey, not counting arriving a few hours before the flight for check in and then going through baggage collection at the end. Most of the times we have done the trip it ends up being more like 22-23 hours.
It will then be around 30 degrees temperature and 70% humidity at that time of year.

Our children will be 1.4 and 3.3 yrs old at the time of flying.

My husband really wants to go for his mum's 60th birthday and gets upset with me if I say it'll be too much to go when they are that age and at the hottest time of year for their country. I suggested going when our youngest is 4 - 6 months old as thats when we took our first, as they can sleep in the bassinet for a lot of the journey, but he has put so much importance on not missing her birthday party that he won't take that as a compromise. He said, what if something was to happen to my mum and we didn't go for her 60th? She has no health conditions fyi!

Why won't he go alone?

No it's not 'part of the deal'. "Sorry, dear boyfriend, I can't marry you in case we can't afford flights to another country in twenty years time." I married someone with family far away. DH goes alone to visit these days. It's about 50 00 for us just for flights (not direct). When you get married you have no idea of your future income or even future flight prices. It's more important to not get into debt. The kids have been several times but the last time was 2018 as flight prices have gone up a lot and it's become a trendy tourism hot-spot.

OP, he should definitely go. Bit so of your souls go when you suggested, when the baby is able to sleep in the bassinet.

I dont really understand this reasoning. You said the party is when the baby would be 1.4, so a whole year after them being 4 months old.
Your child isn't born yet, you have idea how manageable they will or will not be at any age.

Sorry. Typos. OP he should definitely go for his mum's birthday. But you should all go at the time you suggested, when the baby is able up sleep in the bassinet and the whole thing is an easier holiday.

Well that's his problem, surely? YANBU as far as I'm concerned.

YABVU

go and celebrate her birthday. Let her spend time with her grandchildren. Let them spend time with grandma.

As a 61 year old, I'm fucking insulted by the ageism shown by this, and other, posters. Should I start preparing my own coffin clothing?

Don’t borrow trouble. Can you afford to go when you youngest is 6months old and again for the 60th? If that’s the case, go when the youngest is 6 months and see how it goes before worrying about making a decision for the year after that.

Not many years left? Ffs she’s going to be 60 not 90!!! Honestly op if you already go a lot, and he won’t compromise on timings as you’ve asked, I’d be speaking direct to MIL and explaining your thinking. It sounds like you have a decent relationship but surely she’d understand your perspective?

What is your plan? For your kids to see his side of the family every 5 years? 10 years? How often do they see your family? I think it’s only fair that the kids go . Sounds like you’re flying to SA with stop over in Dubai. Why doesn’t he shop around for direct flights?

I don't get the "it's OK at 5 months" which somehow seems to be only 6 months before the baby is 1.4 years old.

I think I'd try to suck it up and go.

So this trip is not for a few years yet?

Why have you had to decide now? Why not wait until DC2 is here and see how they are before you outright rule it out?

Your DH is being a wimp. tell him to go and take the older kid, you stay home with the baby. if he thinks that’s too difficult then he has no place whinging about you not wanting to go!

we have family in nz & aus and they are forever trying to force us to go there. so far almost every year we have been guilted into it. We were forced to have our own wedding there, to go for 2 other weddings, to “get to know his family” etc etc etc. Their insistence on us visiting has taken years of our holiday allowances, and tens of thousands of pounds. We have told them for the foreseeable future we are not going again now we have small kids, i will revisit it if there is a funeral to attend. My DM tried to guilt me about missing her 70th but she is just being selfish.

I didn't read anywhere where they're flying across the world for a weekend?

Do some maths mate.

I said if you visit every two years you might see her ten more times - she’ll be 80 by then.

sheesh.

I have done this trip more than once with children exactly that age, plus a few more kids besides. I had the 1 year old as a lap baby too. It's really not that bad (and people are all on about how hard it will be, usually not even having done it themselves). Planes have screens and this is a great time to use them. Make sure you pack books and things for the kids.

The 3-5 hour layover is actually a good plan. The gap gives your children time to stretch their legs (as well as yourself) and gives some room for any delays. It's much more stressful having a shorter layover and having to worry about missing your flight, then rearranging it if you miss your second flight due to delays.

I wouldn't count on the bassinet btw. You may not get one and, even if you do, there's a lot of having to take the baby out due to turbulence and other things as well.

Maybe you can agree to do it one time and, if it's awful, you wait till the kids are older for a next time?

She said for a party. If she was going for a holiday surely that would be in the op.

I'm sure they will do other things either side of the party.

Shes only 60, for gawd’s sake!

That’s not the same as saying that at her age she might not be long for this world.

"You might not have many years left with her" - What???
She's 60 not 80, it's likely they'll have another 20 years! My dad lived till he was 92!

Let him go on his own.

I didn’t say that…

Well equally, you have every right to refuse too. His refusal doesn't trump yours, is the point.
I think the one child idea is best: let him go, with the elder.

Personally don't see the issue. I'd go.