AIBU to not want to do a with a 3-5 HR stop over with a 1.4 yr old and a 3.3 yr old for my MIL 60th birthday party?

[Banderz]

AIBU to not want to do a 22 hour journey with my 1.4 yr old and a 3.3 yr old for my MIL 60th birthday party?

My husband's family live on the other side of the world with the journey consisting of a 1 hour's drive to the airport, then a 7hr 15 minutes flight, followed by a layover of 2.5-3hrs, then a 6hr 30 min flight to our destination, followed by a 45 minute drive. So a 18 hour journey, not counting arriving a few hours before the flight for check in and then going through baggage collection at the end. Most of the times we have done the trip it ends up being more like 22-23 hours.
It will then be around 30 degrees temperature and 70% humidity at that time of year.

Our children will be 1.4 and 3.3 yrs old at the time of flying.

My husband really wants to go for his mum's 60th birthday and gets upset with me if I say it'll be too much to go when they are that age and at the hottest time of year for their country. I suggested going when our youngest is 4 - 6 months old as thats when we took our first, as they can sleep in the bassinet for a lot of the journey, but he has put so much importance on not missing her birthday party that he won't take that as a compromise. He said, what if something was to happen to my mum and we didn't go for her 60th? She has no health conditions fyi!

‘ may not have many years left..’
Never mind, though. We ancient crones have made our feelings known!

OMG I can’t even with this thread.

If they only visit every two years then they might only see the family ten more times - or fifteen. That’s not the same as saying 60 is old. It’s saying when you don’t see family often, years pass fast.

So, once again: they could visit when she is 60. 62, 64, 66, 68, 70, 72,74,76,80 TEN MORE TIMES NOT THAT MANY YEARS for example and then she will be 80, hopefully not dead and the babies will be adults and they won’t need a bassinet….

I don’t really appreciate being called ageist. I don’t mind being called old though.

I am confused by the timeline. From the sound of it your youngest is not even born yet so are you saying MILs birthday is almost 2 years away? Why so much drama for a 60th birthday? I didn’t expect my relatives to travel for my 60th and they only live 250 miles away. Surely you are suggesting going out next December instead which is sooner?

DH and I flew to Australia for a big family occasion a few years ago with a 3 month old and a 23 month old. It was absolutely horrendous - no problem with the newborn, but looking after the toddler was awful. I thought I was going to be spending the rest of my life on that plane. NO WAY could I have done that with two toddlers.

However, if you do have to do it, make sure you get a morning flight. Our return flight was 10pm, so we'd already been awake for 15 hours. We didn't sleep at all (actually, maybe 2 hours on the final leg) and I was borderline delirious after being awake for about 40 hours by the time we got home.

Yes this, are you talking about a party in October 2027…?!

Same here

He wants to see his mum on her birthday- why don’t you want to support him with this ?

Children travel fine. Children cope fine in all climates.

Why can’t he go on his own?

Absolutely, and exactly the same applies if MIL lives half an hour away by rail, but isn't often in their company.

(This could run and run. Over and out)

Talk to it with your MIL, I'm sure if she's a sensible woman she will understand your POV and tell her son to visit alone for her 60th and see her grand babies a little earlier when the weather is milder for them.

Would the OP do it if it were her mother?

My family is on the other side of the planet to me.

After one memorably horrific flight I refused to fly with my DC between 18 months and 3yo. Just didn’t do it. This was many years ago and I still shudder at the memory.

I have a lot of admiration for parents who just get on with it, go with the flow, put up with the crying and whining and lack of sleep and jet lagged toddlers and not give a shit about disrupting fellow passengers and have zero plans for when they get there and cool to go with upset hot and bothered kids when they’re hot and bothered themselves, deal with sickness in a foreign country etc.

I just couldn’t do it and didn’t. I absolutely would not for a 60th birthday.

Your DH can go alone. If he won’t go without his DC - his loss. Shouldn’t be living so far away from his mum. If he won’t take just one child because he couldn’t cope - his loss, he’s a shit dad and a shit husband. He wants you there to deal with the children so he can show them off to his darling mother and enjoy his family all together.

And as for the attempt at emotional blackmail “imagine if something happened and this was the last time”?? For that alone I’d be digging my heels in. What an immature fool.

Age 1.5 is absolute hell for traveling/flying. I live on the other side of the world to my family and put a no lengthy travel rule between 9 months and close to 2. Can your husband take the older one solo? That would be my compromise

We see them once or twice a year and have done ever since we met and I do video calls with my MIL and our daughter 2-3 times a week while my husband is at work.
To clarify - They try to visit us once a year, we visit them once a year.

I’m with you OP. 1.5 is a bloody terrible age to fly long haul. Too little to be entertained by screens, too big to just chill in a bassinet. Some people are masochists and torture themselves, good for them. No thanks for me. Also have family on the other side of the world and would’ve happily sent DH to see his mum for a 60th but likely would have refused to travel that far with DC when they were that age.

Still confused. You’re happy to go when baby is 4-6 months (so late 2026) but not a year later when baby is 1y 4m? Won’t the weather be similar? And when else would you do your annual trip in 2027? And why are you thinking about a birthday that’s almost 2 years away?!

Do you have any concept of the difference in experience of travelling with a 4-6 month old compared to with a 1 year old?

I am ethnically Indian and took my kids on long-haul from a very early age. Travelling always has some issues, but for a 60th I would certainly look to go. Depends on the transit airport, some have day hotels you could rest in, most have lounges you could visit. I would just look to make the best of it.

4-6 months or 1.4 yes
16 months apart
Not sure why your approaching this like a detective😅

Strangely - we have a similar situation next year.
We will be going, it's part of the deal when you marry and have kids with someone from far away. I always find I make the journey worse thN it is.
I will break ours up.
Well drive to London (6 hrs) fly to Madrid, spend 2 days there, fly to DH country (12 hours) spend 2-3 days in the city and drive to his parents (10 hours), then the same back.
I won't have my kids growing up missing half their family, so it's what we do.

I've done both and I'd rather travel with the toddler. I did that flight with kids aged 1, 3, 4.5 and two others besides. In spite of all the doom and gloom predictions, usually from people who hadn't done it themselves, it was just fine. The worst was being up at 4am with a jet-lagged toddler at the destination, when I was tired. They never cried or had tanties on the plane.

I know some kids might be harder to travel with (mine have SEN, so maybe less like other kids), but you don't know how yours will be till you do it. So I suggest do it once and let that inform whether you do it again in future.

Are your family not able to come and visit you?
If you read my whole post I suggested visiting when our child is 4-6 months.
They can always come the following year to us. In addition to the 2-3 video calls I make each week to my MIL while my DH is at work so she can chat to her granddaughter. That's not exactly having my children not see half of their family as you imply.

Bloody hell, you see more of your MIL than we see of mine who’s two hours away. Neither her nor my husband can be bothered to arrange visits (I’m sure she tells everyone it’s all my fault). Twice a year visits when she lives on the other side of the world is loads! And he expects you all the mission it over just two months on from a prior visit - madness. YANBU at all.

I’ve got 3 DC currently aged 7, 3, and 18 months and we are doing a similar trip this Christmas to see family. I’ve done long haul many times with the DC at various stages, and I’ve found that once they can be fully engaged by a screen, it’s far more manageable.

We’re always ok with one of the DC being at the worst possible age, as long as the other two are either: old enough to be distracted by the screen, and/or an immobile baby. This Christmas the 18-month old will be the challenge, so we will take it in turns with one of us managing him, while the other parent is responsible for the other two.

The travel will be awful, and mid-journey we always look at each and say ‘are we crazy, why did we do this!?’ But, once we arrive we quickly forget about the trip, and it’s always worth it for us to see family. Family is too important, and a 60th isn’t something that I’d miss if I could avoid it.