To teach my kids to say no to their dad

[Bloodyscrooge]

Husband loves buying treats for children 9 and 7 and will buy them something every weekend (toy, sticker book, clothes etc)

They often love the treat in the moment but soon forget about it. Financially we're okay (though I would much rather put the treat money in savings or use it to buy food) The house is a tip as it's full of the kids discarded stuff. We've even broken a chest of drawers trying to stuff yet more new clothes into.

It's bad for the environment, it's bad for the children's expectations, it's bad for me as it isso far away from the simple life i hoped to live. And now Christmas is approaching and we've bought all the kids' presents and just know my husband will go on a last minute shopping spree and they will end up with piles of stuff that they're excited to open but don't really want.

But Christmas aside, I'm trying to teach my children to say no to their dad when he offers them treats they don't really want or need. Older child is quite good at saying no though with a tortured look in the eye.

Am I cruel to enlist my children in stopping my husband's spending? Obviously I have spoken to him and he does try for a week or two but I don't want to endlessly nag.

Edit: missed typo in title. Should say 'to say no to dad'

You need to tell your husband that it needs to stop!

Don’t make your children responsible for managing their father’s behaviour.

This isn’t your children’s responsibility, don’t put this on them.

Surely you teach the adult first...

Yeh just gonna say what everyone else is saying … he’s an adult and he needs to understand the situation, sounds a bit like you have 3 children if he’s not aligned on things like this with you !

I have tried so many times to tell him, but it's just my opinion vs his. After all, it's not ruining our finances and they're still nice kids so he thinks it's fine to treat them.

Goodness this a million times.

As a child who felt wholly responsible for managing my mothers volatile moods please don’t make your children responsible for how their father behaves.

I had (and have) the same situation with my mother treating me as an unwilling confidante rather than her child. Would you put this on the same level emotionally? I absolutely can't put that burden on my children

fucking hell

Because...

This is on your DH, not your children!

Take all the stuff they don't play with to charities - Salvation Army perhaps - to pass on for children who will bet very little at Christmas.

Get your DH and kids involved in sorting, cleaning, packing the stuff. Perhaps it'll get through to DH that he's over indulging them.
At least it would clear some space and make children in need happy.

Please don’t put the responsibility of managing their father on to them!!

You can emulate the behaviours you hope they will aspire to, without that.

If it matters a great deal to you, explain that to him. Sit down for a serious conversation. Maybe agree to “treats” that line up with both of your parenting styles…eg, I’m never going to be annoyed at my children getting books or comics!

@Bloodyscrooge yes I would.

Children shouldn’t be worried about controlling an adult to make another adult happy or protect themselves. You’ve been there so you know.

You need to remove your children from the equation. Perhaps have another talk with your husband where you firmly explain your position and ask him to do experiences rather than stuff? Cinemas, museums, adventure parks etc.

No, sorry, this is an awful thing to make your kids responsible for. Your eldest is only saying no because they want your approval / are afraid of your disapproval. That’s not a lesson to teach them. You’re just going to have to get rid of the stuff as soon as it comes in the door (or after a week / fortnight / pick a timeframe that works that it’s not being used for). Or start having a one in-one out policy. Every time they come home with a new item of clothing, get rid of one. Make sure your husband is fully aware of it, so he sees what a waste it is for him to bring home all this extra stuff that doesn’t get used.

It’s their father who needs to sort his own behaviour out. Please do not put this on your children.
It’s not up to them to manage his behaviour.

I'm not really understanding why you're stuffing the house with discarded toys, etc. Are there no charity shops where you live?

I really struggle with this as 7 hates giving stuff away. Even if it's something that's lain discarded for months, the second i suggest giving it to other, 7 is genuinely upset at the thought of losing it. It would be so much easier to just not get the stuff in the first place.

This is your husbands responsibility, allocate him a corner of the house right now full of the children’s toys, tell him to tidy it up and that’s the space he has for new toys. If it doesn’t fit you will immediately donate, an expensive exercise but worth your sanity, you’d rather not spend on the bazillion extras but if he has you Do Not Want It In The House. Ask him if you need to send him daily reminders to not buy the dc shit, and include in them that good partners don’t make their partners life harder, his buying habits make your life harder.

does he need therapy?

Can you teach the children to say, ‘ I’d rather have the money dad’
but yeah as others say, your husband is the parent and it’s not the kids responsibility.

You are creating people pleasers, and forcing them to manage adult crap. They will be constantly trying to find an impossible balance between making you and their dad happy. Really shitty move in my opinion.

Ok, point taken, thanks. There are so many things that they would love from him (his time, him not snapping at them) that they dont often get, but it seems impossible.

I think you're being mildly ridiculous! You want to make the kids control their father's actions, yet you're afraid of disturbing your 7-year-old's hoarding tendency. You do know children aren't adults, right? They aren't responsible for their parents and they don't get to decide how much stuff they can keep in the house.

On your actual question: your husband obviously expresses himself by giving gifts. I really hate that 'love languages' thing but, as a general principle, it has some merit. You can afford this weekly mini-spree. The kids enjoy it. Just shift the stuff when it's not been used for a month or whatever.

YANBU to want your husband to to this, but YABVVU to want your kids to stop him. My kids have got for too many toys, its overwhelming for them and they don't really play with them, its overwhelming for me dealing with the mess, sifting through the tat and getting rid of stuff. I try to live a minimal waste lifestyle (which DH supports apart from this), and am already stressed about Christmas, donating loads of barely touched toys to make space for the inevitable bucketloads more winging their way over to us. I've got them annual zoo and softplay passes for Christmas, along with bike decor and lights, and one "proper toy" each. DH thinks this will "ruin the magic of Christmas as kids need proper toys on Christmas day". By January he'll be moaning the house is a shit tip and he can't move for mess and we'll donate all the shiny new things that haven't been played with. I don't have an answer, but solidarity.

He is not standing in the way of me giving them a healthier diet, so that's something in his favour. He often tries to 'treat' them with food - think UPF cereal rather than porridge and fruit - and it's a long slow road but I'm gradually getting back control there. When 7 asked for an apple instead of sweets the other day it was wonderful

Yes I would. It might seem less serious but it would still be children parenting their parents.

Maybe you could approach a conversation with him about this from a different angle. Raise it with him as being about values rather than financial or wasteful. They are old enough to start, gently, learning the value of money, to value and take care of their possessions, to become more aware of what is excessive buying and maybe even some awareness of those less fortunate. I don’t mean to the extent they worry about money or feel guilty, which is why I said gently. But these are valuable life lessons and as fun as he finds buying for his children, he’s letting them down really.