To teach my kids to say no to their dad

[Bloodyscrooge]

Husband loves buying treats for children 9 and 7 and will buy them something every weekend (toy, sticker book, clothes etc)

They often love the treat in the moment but soon forget about it. Financially we're okay (though I would much rather put the treat money in savings or use it to buy food) The house is a tip as it's full of the kids discarded stuff. We've even broken a chest of drawers trying to stuff yet more new clothes into.

It's bad for the environment, it's bad for the children's expectations, it's bad for me as it isso far away from the simple life i hoped to live. And now Christmas is approaching and we've bought all the kids' presents and just know my husband will go on a last minute shopping spree and they will end up with piles of stuff that they're excited to open but don't really want.

But Christmas aside, I'm trying to teach my children to say no to their dad when he offers them treats they don't really want or need. Older child is quite good at saying no though with a tortured look in the eye.

Am I cruel to enlist my children in stopping my husband's spending? Obviously I have spoken to him and he does try for a week or two but I don't want to endlessly nag.

Edit: missed typo in title. Should say 'to say no to dad'

This works for both my 7 yr old and the cardboard boxes my husband cannot seem to throw out. The man loves a good box

I think you just need to reprogramme your DH into an “experiences” vs stuff man. So he should take them to activities, the quirkier the better and take a photo and make an album, but avoid buying stuff!
So lots of trips to beach, cinema, ice skating, forest, toasting marshmallows, baking/cookie making etc etc - use recyclables at home to make things. There are loads of insta and websites he can follow for ideas.

Because as usual Mumsnet goes totally bonkers on threads like this. One person has a shitty reply and the rest pile on.

You are clearly just at the end of your rope and trying to think how to solve this ridiculous problem your husband has created. I would hate this too OP. He’s wasting money buying utter junk they don’t want, filling the house with shite, and teaching them bad habits with money.

But you can’t put it on them. It’s not their responsibility to help you fix his problem. The pair of you need to have it out and come to some kind of compromise.

But I feel for you- quite honestly I couldn’t live with a man who did this. My friend’s husband is the same. Any time I’m at her house with my child, he’ll come home after work and her kids rush to him, scrabbling about in his pockets. He always has some junk he’s picked up on his way home. She’s demented as her house is full of crap the kids play with for two seconds and discard. He also buys a ton of food they can’t possibly get through, or random bargains of food they don’t want.

I simply couldn’t live like that.

If he’s anything like my friend’s husband he might not want to do these things/ can’t be arsed. The constant purchasing of junk is a way to feel like a good dad.

If he really cannot control himself it sounds like a compulsive behaviour which he could benefit getting some help for.

I would be going mad with it. My DH is always buying bits and bobs (whilst often complaining about how small our house is).
But adding the kids to the dynamic makes it a different kind of stressful as you now need to factor their feelings in too (and yeah, definitely don't give them the responsibility of saying no). You have my sympathies if not any actual advice.

IME, the most valuable thing a parent can give their child/ren is their time.

Experiences are better than endless items. Not necessarily overwhelming or expensive experiences (e.g. lots of soft play or fun parks, though they can be great fun occasionally). But simple things like walks in a park or countryside, where you can chat and explore things (nature) together, sharing your experiences of being a child. Or playing cards, dominoes etc on a wet day. Those are the special childhood memories people look back on as adults.

Could your DH be persuaded to put most of the ‘treat’ money aside for a special tradition each season? Pantomime or theatre show every winter, day out at a favourite beach or outdoor place every summer, including a special lunch out? Doing things more than once helps build memories of a special place or activity, which they’ll tell their grandkids (if they have them) about. Most sticker books and clothes will be long forgotten.

If one problem is you’re accumulating too much stuff, which is cluttering your home, your DH should take responsibility for this, given he brings most of it in. He should apply the ‘one-in, one-out’ rule if you’re full to the max. Even if (initially) ‘out’ means packed in a plastic crate in the garage, shed or attic, to be parted with at a later date, when the items have less meaning.

Why can't he parent them the way he wants to? What makes you right?

You're backtracking now

Common sense?

This

OP I completely understand why it would cross your mind to get the children on board with saying no to DH - you are at the end of your tether and don't know what to do and that sounds so, so frustrating. Some good advice here. You sound like a lovely mum who is doing their best to manage a difficult situation!

My husband is exactly the same. Even down to the last minute Christmas present spree when all of their presents have been considered carefully and bought already.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to put this responsibility on the kids. It’s not their fault their Dad likes to buy them lots of things, and I wonder if they are pleased? I know I’d be chuffed if someone bought me presents all the time.

Just from a different perspective, I do this with my kids too. It comes from a place of having nothing as a child. Parents never bought us anything unless it was Xmas. We had maybe 2-3 outfits max, 1 pair of trainers, never had any treats etc. As a result, I’m pretty OTT with my kids and definitely get them too much. Maybe a similar experience for your partner growing up?

Sorry if it's been mentioned ( I've read most of the thread) but surely the easiest thing is to tell the kids that what dad buys stays at his house and what you buy stays at your house. Obviously as they get older there will need to be renegotiatons about watches and jewellery and gaming stuff. But fight that bridge when you come to it. For now, meet Dad at the car and say isn't that lovely, more toys to play with at Dad's. Take the kids inside and close the door.. You might even need a separate backpack that's just for outings with Dad. Leave it with him.

It's not up to your young children to manage your husbands behaviour. You need to work on him, not the kids.

OP, it is not the responsibility of your children to tell their father no to the endless buying of “ treats” because they aren’t treats, are they? Does he buy them to win his children’s attention? How is he with money generally?
Gather up all the unwanted purchases and donate them to a Christmas toy appeal, where they will hopefully be appreciated and valued.

This is on you and your husband, not your kids.

He is their parent just as much as you are.

So why does your opinion outweigh his?

Parenting is a compromise, yet you seem to think that you are the one in the right and it should just be your way.

I highly doubt the kids are being negatively affected by this.

He is showing love in the way he knows how to.

It is absolutely necessary and important for you to teach your kids to say no to things that make them feel uncomfortable but you cannot make them say the things that you don’t want to say just so you don’t come across as a nag.

You are putting them in the middle because you think it’s junk but they obviously like it (else they’d be happy getting rid of it).
They probably try and please you by saying he just bought it for them and they didn’t have a choice - meaning that you are bringing it up to them and already putting them in the middle.

Don’t talk to them about it again.
Perhaps suggest to DH that he sticks to food treats when they’re out so that they’re not bringing home more stuff.
But ultimately it’s his decision.

I believe they all live together still.

My parents used to buy me a treat every weekend. I turned out OK. It’s up to you and your husband to manage not the kids.

Yes sorry but I would, as the eldest girl I was always made to feel responsible for my Dad’s behaviour when I was growing up, low key stuff like reminding him it was my mum’s birthday, reminding him to make us dinner when my mum was working etc - but it’s definitely affected me as an adult

Agree!

It is now your DH's job to find places to put everything and manage the upset when there is not room to keep it all.

Just keep making the challenges he is creating his problem and don't accept him trying to get out of it, brush it off, etc.

Be prepared to ask him to sort out messes, find storage, persude 7YO to give things away robustly and constantly until each individual issue is solved.

Until it is his problem to manage the issues he is creating, nothing will change.

I used a two step method for getting rid of clutter. This happened because as soon as I suggested getting rid of some long ignored toy, they wanted to keep it. I used to store it away in a semi-secret location and then, if there was no hue and cry after a few weeks, I'd donate it to charity. Obviously I didn't pick favourite toys at all but you can have only so many plush toys. I also think it is good to buy stuff which has built-in storage. I mean boxes and containers where you can just biff the bits in easily so your life is not lived to the accompaniment of crushed plastic underfoot. As soon as clothes were grown out of weren't going to be handed down, I bundled them up and either sold them or gave them to charity

You are infantilising your husband though by attempting to get small children to police his behaviour. Children should feel like their parents are in control and have some idea about what they are doing - till they are teenagers and convinced their parents are complete idiots. I'd be having a serious discussion with your husband to try to get this behaviour under control. Time, patience and other qualities are more important to children than a father who just buys junk all the time. For what it's worth almost all the wealthier parents I know, do not go over the top buying presents at Christmas - one larger present and maybe some books but not the piles and piles of presents for children. One Christmas for example we installed a swing and slide set outside for the children and they got a lot of fun out of that and it didn't clutter up the house - our Christmas is in the middle of summer so maybe not such a good idea in the UK..

Is he buying them gifts because he feels guilty about the atmosphere between their parents at home? And he’s hoping that sticker books etc will distract them?