To teach my kids to say no to their dad

[Bloodyscrooge]

Husband loves buying treats for children 9 and 7 and will buy them something every weekend (toy, sticker book, clothes etc)

They often love the treat in the moment but soon forget about it. Financially we're okay (though I would much rather put the treat money in savings or use it to buy food) The house is a tip as it's full of the kids discarded stuff. We've even broken a chest of drawers trying to stuff yet more new clothes into.

It's bad for the environment, it's bad for the children's expectations, it's bad for me as it isso far away from the simple life i hoped to live. And now Christmas is approaching and we've bought all the kids' presents and just know my husband will go on a last minute shopping spree and they will end up with piles of stuff that they're excited to open but don't really want.

But Christmas aside, I'm trying to teach my children to say no to their dad when he offers them treats they don't really want or need. Older child is quite good at saying no though with a tortured look in the eye.

Am I cruel to enlist my children in stopping my husband's spending? Obviously I have spoken to him and he does try for a week or two but I don't want to endlessly nag.

Edit: missed typo in title. Should say 'to say no to dad'

But you're the parent. It's your responsibility to make decisions your children don't like. I realise your DH isn't making this easy, but, again, that's your problem, unfortunately.

Well if one parent wants the other to stop something and they communicate and the other ignores it there is something going on

Sure one shouldn't overule another but if 2 adults cant sort an issue out so one involves the children something is wrong

Your advice on her marriage or home is not wanted nor not warranted, and has told you this in a roundabout way. You also look at things in a negative and judgemental way.

The issue here is a dad who wants to be the fun dad with treats all the time. Dad's forgotten the meaning of a treat - something that happens rarely.

I know you said he likes to buy them treats but Is there an underlying reason for it? My husband is a bit similar but it’s because his mother is horribly emotionally and psychologically abusive and he’s trying to make sure our children don’t have the kind of childhood he did. Remembering that makes it much easier to deal with!

Our children are far younger (toddler and newborn), I’m a SAHP so I spend more time than him at home/ with the children and the purchasing is less frequent so I’m not sure if any of these suggestions will help but:

• Usually clothes are handed down from their cousins and anything else I try to buy off Vinted so it’s much more justifiable to get the occasional thing new
• Toys I usually buy from Vinted or EBay (where possible) so, again, it’s not too much of a problem to get the odd new thing
• We don’t exchange gifts with DH’s family (for obvious reasons), we do a ‘gift truce’ with most friends and I suggest practical/ physically small gift ideas to my family
• Anything they grow out of (minimal so far but they are opposite sex siblings) I donate to a children’s charity or give away via my local Mums’ WhatsApp group, as they get older I may sell some of the bigger stuff too.
• When my daughter grows out of something I put it away for a while before donating it and usually she forgets about it/ never asks for it but if she did genuinely love it I could return it
• I keep all the stickers, sticker books, colouring pads, pens etc. in a big clear plastic box for supervised use so it’s easy to see that the box is full so we don’t need any more right now
• I have started teaching the toddler (in a minimal age appropriate way) about money and saving, over consumption/ waste and giving to charity. I try to model this with my so she sees it as normal- DH’s family are massive hoarders so he does find it harder to let go of things but we both try
• Given the children’s ages our main problem is soft/ stuffed toys so I told DH he needed to get a toy box to store them in and I now refer to the toy box being full and therefore we don’t need any more, I also make suggestions to him for things they do actually need and we got two big IKEA units for general storage
• We frequently discuss why we need to declutter (e.g. the spare room will be needed for the newborn’s bedroom in six months or so) and the benefits of doing so

I think you meant to direct this at the OP? @Bloodyscrooge

😀

Yes that is cruel. Its not their fault or responsibility that DH buys too much and you are making them choose which parent to keep happy.

You need to address this with your DH. Start by piling up all the crap that gets discarded by the children, all the broken stuff, games and toys with bits missing, everything and anything that they no longer want/use/need and point out that it is all destined for landfill …..pretty much all plastic toys are uncyclable! Then estimate the cost and simulate that to a holiday, special day out for the family etc.
He is an adult, same as you, and it is not the children’s responsibility to be saying “but dad, we don’t want it”!

Maybe he felt deprived of such things when he was growing up and this is his way of compensating?
Also, why not look at all the toys, games etc as a family and decide what could be donated to a toy bank, surely they aren’t all damaged and Leading up to Christmas they’ll soon be snapped up and no doubt loved by a child who has next to nothing.

This with bells on. You’re messing with your own child’s head for your own benefit. FFS, give your head a wobble and realise how wrong this is!

You do know children aren't adults, right? They [...] don't get to decide how much stuff they can keep in the house.

This.
You don't ask a 7 year old about giving away stuff - you just sort it and dispose of it. Especially if it is crap like half-used sticker books and broken plastic tat.

For the proper toys which are still in good condition, you might ask him about donating something occasionally, say once a month, so that the idea gradually sinks in.
You can also bag up the good stuff and put in a cupboard, or in the loft if you have one, for six months and see if he misses or asks for a specific thing. If he does, tell him you will search for it, then next day retrieve it without letting him see the bag. If not, donate the bag after six months.

It is your job to tidy and sort and dispose of their stuff. They are of an age that you should be 'helping them' tidy, teaching them tidy habits, but the decisions over disposal are all yours.

They're not responsible for managing his behavior, but they will grow into people responsible for managing their own wants and expectations. The sooner they learn how to do this, the better. It's good to learn how to say No even to desirable things.

The lack of his time and his snapping is the bigger issue.

I would ask him why he feels the need to constantly buy stuff. Whether he feels he needs to buy their love, does he feel guilty for lack of time etc, how confident does he feel as a parent.

Discuss these things calmly. Ask what he thinks his kids most want from him. How he feels when he snaps.

Suggest some things he can do with them.

Would encouraging your DH to put the money towards experiences and days out for the DC be an option? Annual membership to a nearby zoo type of thing. That way he still gets to treat the kids and you don't have the tat cluttering your house.

If he still persists, could he be directed into buying accessories or bits for something they already have and use (like Lego). Also, pre-Christmas, and ASAP, why not do a ruthless trawl through the kids' clothes and toys using the keep/donate/bin method, but WITH your husband. Let him actually appreciate how much excess stuff they have, and how much outgrown or unused stuff is being given away, that cost good money out of your household income. I know you said you can afford it, but that money could go towards a family holiday, or even something long term, like upping mortgage payments or pension contributions. At the very least, if he insists on treats, try to make it experiences (bowling, ice-skating, whatever) instead of more STUFF. Honestly, reading some threads on MN about spendthrift men, there was something to be said for the Victorian system of the man giving his wife his pay packet, she budgeted for the family and just gave him pocket money back...🤣

If it’s “lain discarded for months” would your child even notice it’s gone? Why hve a conversation about giving it away, just take it.

Are you always this controlling?
.you want to control your children's interactions with their dad in something entirely non harmful.

Can you have a good look at this part of your personality?

And even the OP’s response on this thread ie calling us vipers for goodness sakes! Would indicate that there are issues in both sides that need to be addressed

Tell him it’s making him look as if he's trying to buy his children's love. It’s sad really.

Interested in your comment about him snapping at them. Does he buy them gifts to alleviate his guilt over that? And how’s your relationship with him?

Vipers or not, there’s a lot of good observations on this thread. I personally think that your discomfort over giving things away because it upsets your kids is just as big a problem as your husband buying them in the first place.

I agree- would be fine with a book. Also something like a small lego set will be incorporated into a big box of lego so it wouldn't be extra junk that can't be sorted. It's the indiscriminate buying that needs to stop, from his end. And environmental impact wise if it's second hand its not bringing new junk into the world.
He definitely needs to be more responsible for the whole picture- sorting and passing on unwanted things and tidying up in general. It's hard to tell without the whole picture- you could be trying to impose an obsessively minimalist lifestyle on your family or if he's a crazy over-buyer with no boundaries.

I have a similar problem and apparently I can’t tell him to stop. At one point he was taking dd to the shops and cafe both Saturday and Sunday. Both days he was buying a magazine for her (with all the associated plastic tat), chocolates, sweets and ice cream. Once he bought her an ice cream in the cafe then another for the way home. It got to the point I couldn’t take her to the shop as she’d tantrum when I said no. Yesterday, we were at a fair. She had a turn on a tombola. And didn’t get a prize. Oh well, you don’t win everything (and she’d already won elsewhere). Ten minutes later I realise she and dp are back and he’s letting her have multiple goes until she wins. There was no need. She’d got over her disappointment and had been distracted elsewhere. He didn’t need to take her back again.

And don’t get me started on the amount of junk food he hides in his den and sneaks to her with the words “Don’t tell mum!” Treats are fine. Multiple times a day (to the point she then won’t eat dinner) are not.

Yes, I think so. You can stop history repeating itself though.

You could enlist your husband to tidy up and declutter. When he feels how much effort it has taken and sees how nice it is he may stop buying for a while. It may be a cycle that has to be repeated a few times.

Sorry, but this x million. This was quite an uncomfortable read.

I appreciate it may be hard to step back and see it when you're in it but doing this is putting your adult disagreement onto your children to solve.

I realise this is stark but what I see happening is as below:

You "don't want to keep nagging" so you're putting something very difficult onto your children (the tortured look in the eyes of the one who tries to please you) as an alternative to your discomfort that you would feel trying to get your husband to listen to you.

I think you either need to risk a proper fall out with your husband if it's worth it, or file it under, "slightly annoying things my spouse does that will never change so I may as well embrace".

Personally I'd choose the latter and have a regular system of tidying all things that haven't been used in ages into a box and hiding it somewhere for 6 months. If children haven't asked for it in that time, they never will and you can get rid. Keep practising the message of giving and donating at the same time with single items so they work the muscle!

@Bloodyscrooge how much time does he spend with DC, and what is he doing if he is not with them? Why does he snap at them?

This. Don’t put the children in the middle. It’s for you and DH to sort out. You can speak to your children about waste, landfill etc and explain why you disagree with dad but mustn’t put ANY pressure on them

My mum had hoarding tendencies. I had a box on top of my wardrobe where I'd put things that she hadn't used or even looked at for decades (we lived together). If she hadn't missed them in a certain timeframe I got rid of them. She never once missed any of those things. Completely oblivious. You could try this with the 7 year old.

Could you calculate the cost of some of the stuff and present it to your husband? Like "just the things in this box cost over £300"? and point out what could have been done with that money?

Try to keep anything that might be valuable in the future - I know it's hard to predict, but I see things selling for crazy prices that I used to have as a kid. I know you can't keep everything though.