To teach my kids to say no to their dad

[Bloodyscrooge]

Husband loves buying treats for children 9 and 7 and will buy them something every weekend (toy, sticker book, clothes etc)

They often love the treat in the moment but soon forget about it. Financially we're okay (though I would much rather put the treat money in savings or use it to buy food) The house is a tip as it's full of the kids discarded stuff. We've even broken a chest of drawers trying to stuff yet more new clothes into.

It's bad for the environment, it's bad for the children's expectations, it's bad for me as it isso far away from the simple life i hoped to live. And now Christmas is approaching and we've bought all the kids' presents and just know my husband will go on a last minute shopping spree and they will end up with piles of stuff that they're excited to open but don't really want.

But Christmas aside, I'm trying to teach my children to say no to their dad when he offers them treats they don't really want or need. Older child is quite good at saying no though with a tortured look in the eye.

Am I cruel to enlist my children in stopping my husband's spending? Obviously I have spoken to him and he does try for a week or two but I don't want to endlessly nag.

Edit: missed typo in title. Should say 'to say no to dad'

You say you've tried telling your husband not to do it, but have you discussed possible solutions? Eg setting aside a specific budget for this sort of thing and when it's gone it's gone, or as a pp suggests making him (not you) in charge of decluttering and creating space for the new items? Or you could say that every time he spends on the children you get an equal amount to spend on yourself, and you're going to save up that money for a holiday without him! (Or something else he wouldn't like you to do.) As others have said you need to tackle this behaviour at its source.

They may have their sticker books etc
but the family home environment sounds very unhappy

This is up to you to sort not your children do not put this on to them, be the adult

Honestly I think it's generally okay. Its only the odd time,like now, that it really gets to me.

Then you'd be doing the right thing for your child by helping them let go of the stuff - you don't want them to be a Hoarder in adult life as it can lead to absolute misery and loneliness.

Don’t put this on your kids.

Ask DH instead to think of an outing that would be a real treat for the DC and ask him to instead of buying “stuff” put the money towards that instead. Help him figure it out for the first few. He might change his tune when he sees the DCs excited reactions.

If not, I’d sit down and review your budget together. Perhaps if he sees that you could have an amazing family holiday if the money was saved instead he would stop

I suspect your benchmark has deteriorated with time op

this doesn’t sound happy

Thanks 😊 your christmas sounds perfect. I hope you and your husband manage to find a balance you can all agree with 😊

On what possible grounds do you think this poster’s Christmas sounds perfect”???

I'm concerned that you're making the kids feel anxious about making 'the right choice'. Always worrying about what mum is going to think if they accept a treat.

Assuming it's a genuine enquiry rather than an attempt to stick the knife in... a mix of experiences and material goods chosen with care by a mother who loves them and wants to teach them the values of respectful consumption. Obviously husband's disagreement not ideal.

To me it sounds like a tense marriage where one is thoroughly pissed off and the husband just ignores his wife

Children who feel overwhelmed and unhappy parents, thats perfect?

Exactly

“perfect” is the last word I’d use to describe that set up

Treat them with a day out instead? Am pretty sure the kids would love fun with dad than endless presents.
I think it is unfair to ask your children to say no. But you could teach them the art of giving, allow them to sort through the stuff to donate instead - and in front of dad so he can see how much stuff he buys that they don't want!

@Cornthin genuinely, thank you for opening my eyes again to the problems faced by Mumsnet. I try to come here for a balanced discussion about something important to me, and you (like so many vipers) come wading in without an ounce of tact or compassion. Reminds me why I need to avoid this place.

It's a bit presumptuous of you to remark on the state of their marriage or their home environment.

Gosh- I could have written this- just 10/15 years ago.
I just had to accept that we both had different ways of doing things. No right or wrong- we just tried to meet in the middle.
And it’s useful sometimes- because I am not very good at that side of things, so he can be. For example he will take our daughter for the big Christmas shop- I hate it, he loves it.
Good luck with it.

My point is - clearly the issue is broader than this.

the op could say to her husband “are you buying all these gifts for the fact you feel guilty about the state of our marriage and the impact on our children”

I was also going to suggest can you redirect his energy into taking them somewhere rather than shopping and buying things? Taking them to soft play and buying them a snack there?

If he is set on buying something would a magazine subscription (where he could go collect) be an idea instead?

I think you need to address with him why he feels the need to buy them something every time he takes them out. As they get older if he continues this surely the costs will go up as they won't just want a sticker book.

I was just like that with my DC. Every time I go shopping, I couldn’t help it, I had to get them something. I was overcompensating as a child we didn’t have much. My DH was constantly telling me to stop. I realised that the treats made ME feel good and it was in a way selfish as I wasn’t teaching the value of things, money and they were starting to behave like spoiled kids. I still buy them occasional treats.
Your DH needs to understand the above.
Same as everyone else, don’t ask your kids to say no, they are kids! they will always want stuff. It’s your DH that needs to work on himself and understand his behaviour.

Yes. Get a box or basket and put all the new stuff in there. Clothes, toys the lot. After a while he should see how much he is buying. You also need to work out what he is getting out of this. Did he have a deprived childhood and is trying to overcompensate. Is he a spends holic. Does he spend much on himself?

How much stuff does he actually buy and what kind? Do you have adequate storage?

You also need to pass on the inconvenience on to him. Trips to the dump with bin bags of broken toys, charity shop with clothes/toys on good condition, sort things out together when the kids are asleep or away.

The kids should be responsible for putting their stuff away properly.

As everyone has said, this is an issue between you and your husband. Do not involve your young children in it.