AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

[Veganornotvegan]

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

I agree that's not fair.

This would be a much better plan when your child is a bit older.

Flexibility in work arrangements for both parents is absolutely invaluable for little kids who need a lot of tiring physical care and also get ill a lot.

There have already been several threads on here this autumn from desperate parents who either can't find reliable wrapround care or are struggling to manage time off for ill kids.

Have you asked him what his plan is to cover his share? Because you are not the default option. And your career shouldn’t be taking a hit to plump up his if the money isn’t significant.

Yes, don’t do it. You’ll segue seamlessly into default parent, lose progress at work, burn out. And he’ll talk about how hard it is being out 7pm-7pm.

His DC won’t seem him except at weekends. You’ll be a single parent all week.

How does he also see this working when your child is on school?

I think you more need to phrase it as to how it will work. That you cannot take on pick ups and drop off and sick days (especially in once he moves to school) as that would be detrimental to your job. And you cannot take on all the other responsibilities
that you understand why he wants it but he needs to figure out if he can make it work - there is no harm in pushing back and seeing if there is flexibility in it - will working from home be possible (even if there is a moment at the start when there isn’t) and how he is going to make his side work because you cannot take on much more than you have

Not unreasonable of you. That job isn’t an option to a new parent.

How long would those hours be required? Is it a stepping stone to something else?

Ask him what's in it for you and what's in it for his child.

He absolutely should not take this job

What’s the plus side? Is there progression vs his current job being dead end? Are there issues in his current job that mean he needs to move? Why does he want the new job if it’s not better for money and not better for work/life balance?

Why does DH want this job if it's further away, and not much extra money?

If the job might lead to greater things, it might be worthwhile him taking it and you stepping up for a while, or perhaps you could use the extra money for some afterschool childcare to help you out a bit.

Or is it the kind of job you might move for, so DH can continue with the split child care?

@RavenPie - snap!!!

It’s a really tricky one.

I’m a SAHM, so I do all of the school runs, sick days, etc anyway, but I still value my DH always being home in time for dinner and bedtime, as our children enjoying eating with him, telling them about their day, having a cuddle and a story, etc. I would feel sad for my children if they barely saw their dad during the week, as they love that time with him.

We value time over money, so my DH hasn’t pushed for promotion to maintain these hours. However, he seems happy. I would be concerned if he was becoming bored and frustrated, but would prefer him to accelerate things career-wise when our children are older.

Does your DH have any other outlet to reduce his boredom? For example challenging himself within a hobby, etc? Could he take the new job but negotiate a day off/WFH some days, etc.?

I’m always inclined to not chase money for the sake of it, and feel for you as your current situation sounds like it’s working well.

Good luck with finding a solution.

That’s the crux I think, that there’s just an assumption I’ll do ‘extra’ when I won’t really feel the benefit. Yes we will have a little extra money, and extra money is always nice, but I think we have enough.

We maybe need a bigger conversation about priorities, as I’m happy with our lot, but maybe my husband is less so (we earn similar to our friends, but lots of them come from money / were gifted house deposits / etc. and have lots of family support for regular childcare so probably have more money leftover at the end of each month) and I think my husband compares us.

Those hours would be required indefinitely, as it’s not a longer working day, it’s a MUCH longer commute.

The plus side is that he’s bored, not unhappy with current job, just bored. And this new job would be an interesting change for him.

You do and I think whereas you can’t say he can’t do something your definitely have control over what you do and have every right to pushback on this from your perspective

and if he is unhappy what can work closer because a much longer commute doesn’t sound feasible

He wants it mostly because he’s bored in his current role, and thinks this would be a new and interesting challenge.

We definitely wouldn’t move for this role, we wouldn’t move probably further than 10 minutes or so away from where we live now, as we don’t have any family local, but all our friends are nearby, as well as fantastic schools and other amenities. Moving for work would not be on the cards for either of us.

Would the longer commute mean that any additional extra income or swallowed up by travel costs?

I'm not sure it would be about the workload split for me, just the fact that that your family life and child's evenings would be so impacted detrimentally. Having less time to spend as a family is always a shame.

@Veganornotvegan then I think you need a serious chat one that you recognise him feeling bored and unfulfilled and whilst you get he needs a new challenge you cannot have it at the expense of yourself. You can’t take on more and the amount of extra things this would need you to do would probably burn you out and put your job at risk and that level of commute may well do the same for him.

this isn’t the right decision for your family but maybe look at others

So even with the additional commute costs it would be a little extra money. But for me, I’m not sure the money is worth the extra responsibilities I will have to take on, plus the missed family time. We currently all sit down for dinner together every night and talk about days, we then also have playtime together as a family, and taking this job would lose all that. I would like effectively be a single parent through the week.

Tough titty that he's bored at work and fancies a change. He's not available to take a job 90 mins from home because he picks his child up from nursery after work.

If you say he's been offered a job, does that mean he's actually applied, interviewed and had an offer? And he's done all that without realising he can't be in two places at once?

I don't suppose this job has flexible hours so he can start and finish earlier so he can still make pick up?

Tbh the childcare thing is only part of the issue. I’d be worried about the first 2 year period in a job where you can be effectively sacked for no reason. In this current job climate job security is massively important. Companies cut staff all the time and he would probably be the first to go. If he wants to go ahead I do agree with the above poster that suggested to approach it as ‘how are you going go cover your share of childcare?’.

Will he agree to not take the job if you ask him
It does seem very unfair on you

From a different perspective, can you actually make him not to take the job? That's a bit difficult as well.

These are very good points