AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

[Veganornotvegan]

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

If I had written exact figures would it have swayed the comments that he should or shouldn’t take the job?

I tried to steer away from exacts as without giving our entire income / expenditure/ savings / pensions etc, then the exact figures would be considered in isolation. For me, the situation is that we don’t ‘need’ the money. And I was wondering people’s perspectives on this situation, when we don’t need to consider the money as part of the equation. The insight from everyone so far has been very interesting.

Exact figures would influence the responses for sure. Some people would see the extra 20/30/40 etc K as amazing fortune and how can DH even think about not taking the job. And then other people would say that how can you both be so greedy and horrible that 6 figures per person is not enough and why don't you be a SAHM instead. Neither will be relevant to your situation though.
All that is relevant is that you're doing fine, don't need the extra money and it would not significantly improve your life.

Yes, I thought that! Two 6-figure salaries, enough savings to live on for 2 years, considering buying a investment property or sending child to private school... but "not comfortable in the middle class way where comfortable means rich"! Actually a combined income of £200k/year would put you in the top 2% in terms of household income.

OP

Dh and I do well in the same way that you and your DH do well. We both took a very conscious decision not to move for a long time after the kids were born, because you carry a fair bit of flexibility with an employer after a few years of proving your worth pre kids. That gets set to zero if you move.

For a long time we alternated pick ups and drop offs (I agree with the poster who said DH shouldn’t get to do all drop offs and no pick ups) but being able to flex for each other around a work event or a busy week was great.

Absolutely. If you’d have written my DH and I both earn £125k (minimum), so £250k gross (minimum) and my DH wants to take a job which will take him alone up to £150k (minimum), the responses would have ranged between:

• you’re being greedy
• of course he should take it

No-one would have focussed on solutions to the running around stress show your life is about to become because of your DH decision.

I’m a single parent to 2 DC, one of whom has additional needs and attends a special school. I’m also an additional rate taxpayer. I have an after school Nanny to do pickups and take the children to their extra-curricular activities before I get home from home from work. I also have a fortnightly house cleaner, gardener and window cleaner.

You will end up throwing the extra money on outsourcing as much of the stuff you do between yourselves as possible. However family life during the week will be non-existent. If I had a DH I would want us to have as much family life as possible, these days, I allow my EX to spend more time at my house than I’d personally like, purely so the DC can spend quality time with him during the week (not enough time for him to take them to his place and back home).

DC spending time with their parents is so much more important than the extra money that you yourself say you don’t need, so he shouldn’t really take the job.

You’ll need to discuss any resentment that could potentially creep in on his side as a result of not accepting after all these interviews, and perhaps between you come up with a solution to him finding a new job that doesn’t compromise your family life as much as this one would.

Sounds like OP's DH doesn;t like his child at all then, because he won't be spending any time with him at all.

You emphasised being comfortable and not needing the extra money from this new job so I was surprised that you later said you have a mortgage. That rather alters the financial landscape. Although you've done very well in making a profit and getting your forever home, having paid off a mortgage is what many people would consider being comfortable, with the associated feeling of security and not feeling a pressure to earn more. How does your husband feel about that? Perhaps he does feel that pressure. Would paying off or reducing the mortgage substantially be a feather in his cap and a status to flaunt in front of his friends or imaginary competitors for status?

I take what you say about the need to feel secure in that you have cash savings rather than all property - I've been there too - but you could keep some of the lump sum and pay off some of the mortgage, especially if the mortgage loan rate is higher than the interest rate on your savings; you could still gradually build up the savings again out of your monthly incomes.

Alternatively, without touching the savings, as you are comfortable, you could spend some of your current incomes on slightly overpaying the mortgage every month or pay a lump sum annually to reduce it. If your mortgage is a high percentage of the house value, generally it is worth reducing the mortgage to 60% or below so that you can get a more favourable interest rate.

No it fucking doesn't sound like OP doesn't like her child very much.

It sounds like OP had a child thinking her husband, the child's father, would take equal parenting responsibility for said child and not expect her to have to cover his 'half' too during the week, potentially sacrificing her career to facilitate his, when that's not what she signed up for.

We could be completely mortgage free if we chose a smaller, but still family home, but instead we’ve chosen to mortgage against what we would deem is our forever home. At present our mortgage is about 40% of the homes value, and we do overpay every month (by the maximum amount before fees apply), and the interest rate on our savings is higher than the interest rate on our mortgage balance. I don’t mean to sound glib, but we did all of these calculations with a financial advisor before we moved. And just like this decision we are faced with now, it’s not just about money, there are other factors at play, including that I simply want to have more savings. With my husband what makes him feel financially secure is having a larger annual salary, my feeling of security is knowing we have as much accessible ‘rainy day’ cash as possible. If every decision was purely financial, then we wouldn’t all be here debating whether my husband should take this job.

Yes I agree, you have young kids. It’s completely and utterly unfair on you. It’s one thing to already have a job like that, it’s another to take it when you have young children. Your husband has to put things on hold until you are past this stage.

Well usually the advice on here is that you don’t get the time back with young dc, but that is usually aimed at mothers debating whether to work or not.

My dh has recently started a new job out of necessity which has meant I have to do a lot more pick ups and drops off and I’m the only one available if the dc are sick or have a medical appointment. I can’t say I particularly appreciate it but I suck it up as our choices were limited, I wouldn’t have been agreeing to it though so he could earn a bit more money. And the figures you’re talking about op it’s the bit where you are taxed to fuck on every penny so it’s whether it’s even worth it financially because I’m not convinced it is.

Fully agree.
Woman's careers take a backseat to childcare all the time and no-one blinks an eye. Men should also put their children's best interest above a little extra money especially when they are small / up until their teens.

@UrbanFan she is not whining and complaining - quite the reverse she acknowledges the positive situation they are in. She is asking whether she is being unreasonable to not want to accept a less equitable situation for something that would not deliver any further benefit.

Where has OP whined and complained? And if your advice would apply to anybody in this situation, it's her husband who should 'stop whining' about his boring job, is it really a hardship looking after his own children? (although OP has not said anything about the husband whining either).

Um, because looking after small children without a second adult there is A LOT?! Plus, some of us adore our children but find the young child years a fuxking nightmare. I much prefer the tween and teen years, small children are mind achingly dull!

Oh do grow up. We don't have gas in our house!

It’s extremely rude to say to a parent that she doesn’t like her child very much. Far ruder than swearing.

But that is the point isn’t it - it doesn’t have to be done it isn’t necessary - the current routine works for both of them and the children. The only fly in the ointment is that the OPs DH is bored and wants more of a challenge but that isn’t enough for the OP to sacrifice her time and her career for.

it is very much a want for him not a need and one which actually affects the needs of others

Suggesting someone doesn't like their child very much is incredibly rude and unwarranted.

And this isn't a 'do what needs to be done to get through' situation. This is a 'husband and father is 'bored' situation and wants to dump his share of childcare and home responsibilities on his full time working wife so he can take another job when he has a perfectly good job that pays well and allows him to do his share of child and home care. His 'wants' isn't a 'need' and isn't fair to dump 100% of the expected ramifications on OP, which will affect her time and her job and her own career path.

I bet if she was bored and wanted a change, everyone would be supporting her.

Oh, that’s not how you spell “I apologise for being so rude when I said that you didn’t like your child much.”

MN women don't hate all men, just the shitty and selfish men whose wives and partners are driven to post on here for advice and support due to their husbands' or partners' selfish/unkind/abusive behaviour.

You have been the rudest poster on this thread.

@Veganornotvegan would be interesting to know what was decided.