AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

[Veganornotvegan]

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

But this gets harder not easier when they're a bit older and go to school. Before and after school childcare is patchier and often shorter hours

And at some point there'll be two different schools which both might need a pick up/drop off which is easier if you can divide and conquer.

And as PP said I imagine the 3(?) hours a day in the car will get old very quickly and will.probably outweigh the greater interest in the job

Honestly ask yourself - does he enjoy being a parent? Cherish family time? Is your marriage in a good place?

Because a job where he is out of the house from 7.30am - 7pm is often the go to option of a person wanting to opt out of family life. He would barely see the kids Mon-Fri! Maybe that’s what he wants?

Sorry OP, but why on earth are you even considering effectively becoming a single parent Mon to Fri, shouldering all the household and childcare, simply because your DH is BORED????

Would HE be 'supportive' of you doing the same thing to him? Just because you're a bit 'bored' with where you work now??

I'm sorry, but buggering up both your career and your childs routine as well as your family time for such a pathetically selfish reason is bloody insane !!

Nothing stopping him looking for a new job, but he has to still be able to keep his current 50% of pick ups/ drop offs as well as the family time with you and his DC.

Parents simply don't have the luxury of bloody abdicating their responsibilities as H's and Dad's , and it's so bloody selfish to simply expect YOU to pick up his 50% too !!!! Just because he's bloody 'bored'????

If he told new job “I can only take this role if I wfh 2 days per week”, then what would they say? It might be workable if he gets wfh but not on full time in the office.

No No No.

On so many levels:

No, to you being presented with no option but to up your household workload.

No to him taking a job while just happily walking away from his responsibilities at home.

Basically, what this tells me is that whiel he's done his share of childcare/home stuff, he' snever actually considered it his responsibility. It's always been about "helping you out" or whatever.

There's a bigger conversation here. I am in theprocess of taking on a bigger job. Part of the conversation with DH is how that works and where he needs to step up more and what I am going to do to mitigate the impact on everyone. It's an ongoing mutual conversation.

He can continue to be bored until he finds another new job that he can work around his family commitments. In the same way you would have to if you were bored. Or he can negotiate with the new job. Or you can factor in the cost of additional childcare to meet his share of commitments and then make a joint decision as to whether it’s still worth it (also taking into account the loss of family time). But no, you are not being unreasonable, and there is not a chance I would be accepting this in my situation.

As a comparison, I recently found a new job after redundancy (so much less ‘choice’ in the matter.) It involves 2 - 3 days a week on site and my husband covering evenings and mornings on those days. I only accepted it with his agreement, and on the basis that I do the after school clubs on the days I am at home. Not a chance I would have expected him to accept a change of job like your dh is proposing. Wouldn’t have even crossed my mind to suggest it. I wonder what he would think if the roles were reversed and you were proposing what he is? Have you asked him that?

I’d be throwing it back to him to outline how this will work in practice. It’s not up to you to figure this out.

Until he can do that, no you are definitely not being unreasonable.

It’s not even just the day to day childcare- you’ll end up doing all the washing, the food shopping etc. Sounds lovely for him!

Find a similar job in the opposite direction and tell him you’ve also decided to apply as you’re feeling a bit bored and how does he propose you manage childcare between you?

More seriously, I don’t think you’re unreasonable in the slightest and I think a job move like this would be incredibly inconsiderate unless it offered very significant extra money (and even then I’d consider whether it was really worth it if you’re not currently struggling financially).

Are you planning on having more children? What might life look like if you’d a pre-schooler and a baby, and Dad’s gone 12 hours a day? If you had a second mat leave, you might find if very hard to progress your career and earning potential if you’re the one on call for every fall and sniffle, school holidays, etc.

I know thousands of families cope with one doing a long commute but would you choose it for your own family if you already had a much more convenient and FAIR setup?

Your DH wouldn't take on a much longer commute unless there was something in it for him. Learning new skills?

Is the new job for a larger company with more opportunity long term? Better, more significant projects? Is there any threat to his existing role ? Is his existing employer in healthy profit or looking to make cut backs.

I think you need to talk through his reasoning. Personally I can't think of much worse than being bored at work, that's a lot of hours feeling low.

If he's earning extra money, can he pay for extra hours?

IMO, if you can afford for him not to take it then stay as you are.

Some things eg your mental wellbeing and family time you can not put a price on

HTH

I’d feel quite sad if my partner said he was happy to miss out on basically all family time in the week just for a bit more money (that wasn’t really needed) because he was a bit bored in his current job. Not hanging out with his kids all week long should be a really upsetting proposition surely? He doesn’t sound bothered.

Do you think part of him wants the commute to avoid all the drop offs, dinner prep, bed times etc?

I think it's not a great plan when your child is so young for very little additional benefits. What I would enquire about is whether or not he could work flexible hours or similar to be able to be more present at different points in the week eg a day wfh or one longer day to finish shorter elsewhere. Otherwise I think you need to be honest about your trepidation with it

I think it's not a great plan when your child is so young for very little additional benefits. What I would enquire about is whether or not he could work flexible hours or similar to be able to be more present at different points in the week eg a day wfh or one longer day to finish shorter elsewhere. Otherwise I think you need to be honest about your trepidation with it⁶

He could take 2 weeks to experience what it would be like from your side - he should do all the drop offs, pick ups and dinner/bath/bed times. Then he'd have a reasonable idea of what he's actually expecting of you

Haha yes, I don’t think I have it more difficult, but I do think the burden of the being the person solely responsible for the every aspect of the kids every day is tiring in its own way! (Although with my 2 year olds tantrums at the mo, being at work by 7 would be preferable!!)

Also wondering if your warnings are similar?
Nit that I agree completely but it’s often the person with lower pay who people see as default parent

This is a fab idea and I wish we had thought of it before he applied! We wouldn’t have time to do this now before they would want a decision, but I do think it would give him some insight into what he’s asking of me. I don’t think there’s any malice in his desire for a new job, I think he’s just genuinely not really considered what it would mean for all of us as a family beyond a bit of extra money.

Our annual earnings are within a few hundred pounds of each other, I think I’m just the default parent because I’m the mum.

They are young for such a short time, and their father will miss most of this.

The extra money wouldn't be worth the stress on the family, not when you are both working FT juggling childcare arrangements.
Yanbu.
If it was a significant amount to hire extra childcare, I'd consider it.

What you have now is very workable and 'comfortable' for both of you, by which I don't mean financially. That set up is invaluable for quality of life and wellbeing. I would suggest telling him this new job offer is a very bad bargain for the sake of slight extra pounds overall: committing to a life of 12 + hour days of working and commuting which makes both your lives and your joint family life unworkable as it will also massively affect you, your work/life balance and wellbeing; the end result of that is that nobody has a good life.

Boredom at work is a serious problem so I understand the feeling he has and that that can be harmful too but suggest that he look for an alternative that is worth more money and less punitive in terms of hours and travel and impact on you and family life. Alternatively, if he insists on taking this one, he will need to make arrangements to replace his share of family duties of pickup and childcare, e.g. by paying for extra help in the evenings or after nursery or both.

From today, until he makes a decision about the job……… he does all pick ups and drops off to childcare, he does everything with the kids, he makes breakfast and dinner for everyone, he does all household tasks between 7.30am until 7pm. You don’t have to go out, but you can sit out of any childcare or household jobs while he does it all single-handedly.

He only considers taking the job if he thinks it was totally fine for one person to do all of it on their own long-term.

And if he won’t even agree to it for a week or two, then why on earth does he think it should be your life 52 weeks of the year.

As a couple of other people have said, if this is important to him then he needs to present you with a fully workable plan to cover his side of the childcare and domestic responsibilities, and I mean a full plan with costing, feasability, recruitment of additional 'staff' (childminder, au pair, babysitter, cleaner etc) which means you are not burdened with anything additional (beyond spending time with your children alone obviously).

He is acting like a single man without children but, fair enough, if this is really important to him then it is up to him to demonstrate how he can make it work, including building in additional time off for you at weekends. It is not for you to show how you can make it work, it is his responsibility 100%

When he presents this plan to you, ask questions such as 'what will happen when children need collecting from school sick', ' what about inset days?' 'what if you're sick yourself?' 'what if you burn out and can't cope' 'what if you want another job' - examine it dispassionately from every angle so you're both aware of what can go wrong. It might also be completely okay though! He might really up his game and get these issues sorted and be happier at work in the meantime (however, I don't know why anyone would choose full time office work these days!)