AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

[Veganornotvegan]

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

Yes he has applied, been offered, etc. and I encouraged him to do so, on the condition that we would discuss the offer (i.e final salary / benefits they offer plus flexibility for WFH etc). The final offer is 5 days in the office, and a salary that once we deduct commute costs is more money than he’s on now, but not much more. I guess that’s part of why I feel unreasonable, as I’m not against him applying for new roles, I’m against this role now we know what the final offer is (they were pretty noncommittal / ambiguous throughout the interview process, just ballparks and ‘generals’).

Hmm isn't that what the jobcentre expect if you are unemployed even if the job is minimum wage?

Cant imagine getting away with telling them ypthat

However it does seem a bit of a rough deal for the OP. Probably better if her DH finds another job closer so he can do at least half pickups / dropoffs

The maths is he is moving from an
08:40 to 17: 20 max to
07:30 to 19:00
So adding say 3h extra a day for what % payrise?

Because his work time went up by 30ish% and you are not saying its a lot of money.

So on financial grounds its not looking like a good move.

And it has a direct impact on your job as you will have zero ability to organise to work late nor be in early or not miss days when your child is sick.

All of which will likely restrict your ability to move jobs or even roles with your current employer.

What is his plan for managing his domestic duties other than have you do them?

This means yr husband will do dramatically less of the domestic support than he already does ( which is in all probability less than you anyway). It’s a big burden and inequality he’s asking you to take on. It will impact on your career as you become much less available/flexible, have less energy and time…

Aren’t there other roles closer to home? Or is this the natural career progression you both expected of his current role? Lots for you both to discuss- he should not just assume that you will automatically fulfil the gender stereotype of child and home care. Make it clear that this change in who does what impacts you and children negatively - for no benefit to either you or children.

Is it such a 'chore' to take on this extra time with your children for a few short years?

What would the situation be if you were bored in your job all day every day and wanted a change? Would your husband have willingly done all the drop offs etc?

They are young for such a short amount of time.

I think the amount of money makes a difference here but regardless of that it needs to be a joint decision if your are expected to pick up the slack.

They are young for such a short period of time their father shouldn't miss it all for the sake of a little more job satisfaction.

I think he may be underestimating how boring a long commute with no WFH options can get.

Personally I would say to go for it. If you don't need the money currently then put it aside as a safety net or to pay for higher costs as DC gets older/inflation worsens, or towards holidays in the future.
Make sure DH takes more of a full on role at the weekend so you get a break then, and use the extra money to pay for a cleaner so reduce the housework load or a childminder to do some of the pickups or drop offs.

OP we have a very similar situation to you. It takes a bit of balance to get it 50:50, but I don't think you should be the default option. I would cost up longer childcare for his share of collections/drop-offs and compare that to the extra money.

Can he negotiate working from home some days? If not I wouldn't be happy either

We already have a cleaner once a week. We also have not insignificant savings (that we still add to monthly) and a ‘pot’ for our children. This is what I mean when I say we don’t need the money. Extra money is always lovely I know, but at some point we’re happy right?

Im also reluctant to say that my husband should take more a role at the weekend so I can have some ‘time off’ as we won’t get family time during the week (due to the long hours), so any time I spend doing my own thing at a weekend would be at the direct expense of time together as a family.

Yeah this was my thought, what is point of taking this job? If in 5 years time he could be doubling his salary then kind of see the point, but seems a lot more hassle for no gain.

As he doesn’t need the job, he’s in a great place to negotiate, especially as they hadn’t been transparent before the offer. He could say he can’t take the job without 2 wfh days and see how that goes.
Otherwise, could you pick your child up when sick but only until your husband can get home?

This! My DP has a trade, working shifts that see him leave at 6.30/7 and return home at 5.30/6 (although granted it was a significant pay rise). I have a white collar profession, so a desk job, 9-5. I do all school and nursery runs / dinner / bath / making packed lunches / packing bags / breakfast / getting them dressed. I am exhausted and burnt out, he is resentful because my life is much easier 😅 (in our case the money makes it necessary but easy it is not!)

in fairness i'd rather be making packed lunches & getting kids dressed than being out on a site at 7am

So he gets to divest himself of almost all family responsibilities, not just during the week but when it is the weekend and he is knackered from a week of long commutes. Given the extra, what 60? 70? Hours a month he will be devoting to work, and the fact that he will opting out of family life, that would need to be for enough money for you to pay for the help to allow you to continue your career, ie a childminder for the drops offs, pick ups, child care and care when the child is ill. It would also need to provide something for the family, so enough for a university fund maybe? Frankly, it doesn’t sound like it will provide that, and it does sound like it will cause resentment to build on both sides.

God, in the mood that’s gripped me today, I’d say this is out of the question!
It’s just not workable, and that should to be obvious to him unless he really does expect that you ought assume the lion’s share of family responsibility because your career and time are worth less than his.

So he's bored…he can live with that, surely; it’s not like he's down a coalmine every day. He has duties and obligations at home, and being gone at least 12 hours a day when it is certainly not necessary seems like a plan for most self indulgent absenteeism.
This is the second thread I’ve read today where a dad seems to exhibit little genuine interest or pleasure in his young child, and this is quite apart from any discussion about sharing the childcare load.
Very depressing stuff.

No, but it would be reasonable for a woman to divorce over something like this, if the man decided to force such a big change and additional work on her, without her consent, just because he's a bit bored.

Those long hours, extra pay, and possible career advancement wouldn't be possible without her. Is she going to get adequate compensation for that, for when they might divorce one day and she will have spent years supporting his career like this?

You need to sit down together and do a pros and cons list together. Something visual is often easier to discuss.

If he's been offered the job, now is the time to set out his stall on what it would take to get him to take the job.
eg: commitment that he can WFH 2 days a week and do 3 long days so he can do a drop off or a pick up on another day
Oodles more cash, or annual leave, or whatever.

They've strung him along and it's their opening offer. There's probably 15-20% headroom in the salary and/or flex on other things.

I'd be questioning his priorities if he knows taking the job means missing out on dinner and evening with his child. If you don't NEED the money then why would he choose to miss out on that? Seems a shame he'd be fine with it

But this gets harder not easier when they're a bit older and go to school. Before and after school childcare is patchier and often shorter hours.

Also - the grass isn’t always greener. Is he really looking at this objectively? Not huge increase, a lot more hours an no security due to length of tenure. There is a massive difference between a theoretical change from hybrid short commute and work life balance but a bit bored to an interesting job, huge hours and commute and no balance. It sounds like he’s looking at the new role through rose tinted glasses and could be swapping boredom for commute frustration and exhaustion and could regret the decision and you’re back to square one.

Is there any way of him talking to his existing employer and adapting his role to get more responsibility / more interesting work?

I don’t think I’d be able to get on board with this. We did something similar a year ago with DH taking on a much longer commute. It was for a bigger salary but once commuting costs are factored in we aren’t much better off. But his job at the time had no progression opportunities and we are hoping for much better opportunities in his current role.

I work 3 days a week but have become even more of the default parent, I’m on my own with very young children most of the time and a lot more is falling to me. We aren’t in a financial position to outsource anything either even with the higher salary as living costs have increased so much. This was part of the agreement originally that we would look to get a fortnightly cleaner and go back to having shopping delivered. But that’s now financially out of reach and I’m now stuck doing a lot more work.

I’ve already been straight up and said if he doesn’t see some proper progression within X amount of time he needs to look for a new role because otherwise the sacrifice it requires from us all isn’t worth it.