I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

[Tigss]

I am one of 3 girls. I have a sister who is 16 months older than me and a non-identical twin. We are now all late 20s.
As children my parents had a really bad habit of labelling us and boxing us in with expectations. For example my older sister was the kind one, the musical one, the friendly one, the easy one. I was the smart one, the quiet one, the shy one, my twin was the pretty one, the sporty one, the social butterfly etc. This approach made my teen years somewhat hellish. We all went to different secondary schools, my older sister went to a school that had amazing performing arts alongside academics, I went to a very academic school and my twin went to a very sport focussed school. I think my parents believed this was them treating us like individuals and allowing our own talents to thrive but the reality was it meant my sisters and I had very little in common.
There was a lot of pressure put on us based on our presumed talents, such as my sister was expected to do very well in music, attend the Saturday lessons at the conservatoire, I was expected to get top grades, apply to oxbridge and my twin was meant to perform really well in her chosen sports. This all backfired when my twin sister actually outperformed both my older sister and I in her GCSEs and A-Levels and went to a better university.
In the same way we didn’t all follow the same rules. Such as I was allowed to be out much later than my twin sister, they said this was because she had training in the morning, was too likely to go off with a boy, where as it was expected I’d just study with friends. This built a lot of resentment between us. My parents also constantly pointed out how gorgeous my twin was and would say things like “you got all the smart genes, your sister got all the pretty ones”, obviously this made me feel awful, even more so when she did better in her GCSEs and I felt like I couldn’t even claim to be the smart one anymore.

Now we are all adults, all successful in our own rights but none of us in careers particularly related to our perceived strengths. We aren’t very close as I think a lot of the childhood resentment runs under the surface. We are also all in very different life stages, my older sister is happily single, moved somewhere rural and is very happy with her life, I’m married with a DS and live 10 minutes from where I grew up, my twin sister has lives abroad and is now living in central London with her fiancé.

We are meant to be spending Christmas with my family but the more I think about how awful many of their comments made me feel and how much I have grown to resent them and my sisters makes me want to back off, go to therapy and work on reconnecting with my sisters.

AIBU?

My father would call me "hijous" ((hideous) and my brother "fairy child" among other ethereal names which he found hilarious. He didn't do it out of malice. I look exactly like him so I now believe it was meant in a weird, self deprecating way. He would also say I was "plain". On top of that I was labelled as the naughty one, I had a "penetrating" voice that would get on my parents' nerves and yes, I did grow up feeling invisible and awkward.
My parents were older and very sheltered and this was a long time ago but labelling children is damaging.
My father died a few years ago and I miss him dreadfully because essentially he was a good man and good father.
Most parents are doing the best they can with the knowledge and resources they have.
My best advice would be to seek some therapy and try to move forwards and build your relationship with your parents. Perhaps if they know the impact the labelling had they may start to understand you more.

It sounds like they done what they thought was best and tried to play to your strengths I'm 100% sure you aren't a perfect parent either and will make decisions for your child they may come to resent . As parents were damned if we do and damned if we dont we just do what we think is best at the time and hope we got it right .

Yes find it strange they do this too! My sister was the "smart" one who will do well in life. My brother was the "dumb and quiet" one, and I would " probably stay home forever and work in a cake shop!?" My sister dropped out of school and lives on benefits still at the age of 52. My brother became a skilled carpenter and I was the first person in the family to go to university, twice! I have a well paid job and a paid off house! I've told my children that we can all change and improve along the way, and grow with opportunities.

I think we al have resentments like this about our family. I was the independent, difficult one in my parents eyes and my brother was the kind, helpless one. I used to really resent the different way we were treated, but at some point youve got to move on and become the grown up, and forgive them like you would forgive a child who didnt know better, because they were doing their best.

You could get cross and resentful, or try with therapy to get over it and don't let it fester.

It does sound like your parents weren't consciously trying to pit you all against each other, but that's how it had turned out. On other levels, sounds like you had parents that cared enough to try and notice and exploit your 'strengths' and put you in schools they thought were the best fit. Obviously in hindsight it has hindered. I think try and look at why they did it - was it with malicious intent or good intent.

Who knows how we're mucking up our kids future lives right?! We're all trying to do our best, but what will our kids say when they're adults...

At the time did you each want to pursue different things, did one sister love music and want to do it, did the other sister love sports and did you enjoy shining academically? I think children do like to have 'their thing' to single them out from their siblings, particularly when you were all girls and so close in age. Would you still be annoyed now if you had been forced to do lots of music and sports, because your sisters loved them and you all had to do the same things to be 'fair'.

The different schools for each of you seems a bit extreme, possibly to prevent you just being a little group of three and not making separate friendships? But the pretty, not pretty bit was really cruel. I had a friend who said one of her daughter's was really pretty which was just as well because she wasn't very smart and it was all she had, I was so shocked.

Did you ever tell your kids that one got the pretty genes and one got the smart genes?

That is beyond awful and not something a parent should ever say.

I think some of those labels would bother me more than others. I was called the quiet one growing up which I'm fine with. I am quiet and introverted compared to my siblings to be honest. However I would not have appreciated my parents calling a sister "the pretty one" or comparing things like intelligence and kindness.

It doesn’t matter how her parents see it.
What matters is how it has affected the OP. And it’s clearly running deep.

Her sisters migut not have had the same view. Which will be pretty normal. Again, it doesn’t mean they don’t wish to be closer or that the OP lived experience is wrong. Quite the opposite actually.
Eg - Going through the same childhood events, one child might develop cptsd but not another. A lot to do with temperaments and ways of dealing with said situations

It’s completely normal to go through a stage in your 20s where you think your parents were a bit shit and you question their parenting. Then you have your own kids and you cut them WAY more slack.

I have siblings and we were all treated exactly the same and none of us really get on now purely because we have little in common and we’re different personality types. Be careful how much you try and blame your parents for.

Op, it is good that you've worked all of this out while still in your 20's.
I want to suggest rather than therapy, spending your cash and time on exploring the things you wish you could have, creativity, movement etc. There is likely a lot of healing to just stepping out of the box. Doing rather than talking can sometimes be the best therapy.

I think therapy can be very hit and miss so be careful to find a therapist who won't take you straight down the path of my parents were toxic and will help you explore the nuances of your childhood.

It is wonderful that you want to explore building a stronger relationship with your siblings, best of luck!

I find this really interesting OP. This kind of typecasting in families is fairly common, but your parents version of it seems quite extreme.

it’s a shame that it had an impact not only on your self-identity growing up and freedom to develop your interests and abilities, but also on your relationship with your sisters in the long term.

have you ever sat down with your sisters and had a frank conversation about how this affected you all? Do you know how they feel about it?.

@Tigss please, go and have therapy.

NOT, as some PP hinted ‘to get over it because your parents have done their best’. That’s likely people protecting themselves because they know they haven’t been perfect and cannot conceive their dcs could resent them for it.

My parents did their best too. On paper they gave me a nice childhood too. Just like your parents chose schools according to your ‘talents’ that weren’t yours.
And when I started digging? Ha yes, I actually have cptsd from that perfect childhood.
Now I’m not saying you have cptsd. But the resentment is there. You’re at the point of not wanting to spend Christmas either them. I suspect theres a lot that has happened that feels ‘normal’ but actually isn’t. And a lot that is still happening, because I doubt your parents have dropped the labelling either. Even if if it’s more subtle now.

What you describe sounds like a fixed mindset. It was, unfortunately, very trendy to consider children in that way. I grew up with it too. All around me children were labeled and stereotyped and expected to perform along their per-destined paths. It worked for almost none of us and it felt awful if you were falling short of expectations. I remember I felt like a loser when I started to struggle academically in high-school, despite being considered as "bright" by my parents and teachers my whole life.

I am not sure you can blame parents and teachers for what was widely regarded as best practice at the time. I am sure there are now practices for educating and raising children that will horrify us in the decades to come.

I do think that therapy is a good idea, even if it can't make you closer with your parents and your siblings.

That’s likely people protecting themselves because they know they haven’t been perfect and cannot conceive their dcs could resent them for it.

But who is perfect as a parent? I'm sure if our DC's really wanted to, every single one of them could find something to 'resent' us for.

But it's not healthy to approach relationships like that, least of all with people who seem to have tried their best to give the OP opportunities in line with their talents.

Genuine abuse is an awful thing, but that's not what the OP describes.

Your parents made mistakes. I expect their parents did too, in their upbringing. I'm sure I make mistakes as a parent and I expect you do too.

However mistaken they were, your parents presumably acted with the best intentions, wanting to treat three similar-aged girls as individuals and help them to develop what the parents perceived as their strengths. You allowing this issue to play such a dominant role in your life now, blaming it for poor family relationships, and perhaps refusing to meet up with your family at Christmas because of it, seems crazy to me. Yes, perhaps therapy would be a good idea.

Presumably, parents on the state home threads acted with the best intentions. I don’t think that’s got any relevance to the discussion.

I do. I would regard something my parents did with the best intentions but which had a bad effect on me very differently from something they did out of malice or even through lack of care or thought.

Seems like you're attempting bro price guilt by association here. If there's abusive stories on the stately homes threads, I don't know why that's relevant here. The OP's parents seem to have been doing their best, in line with what was seen as good parenting practice at the time. The made mistakes, but don't we all?

My own parents were not particularly well educated, probably weren't parented that well themselves, were very dependent on what they were told was the 'right thing to do' by those with authority.

Within that background, they were loving parents, who tried hard, got a lot of stuff right and some stuff wrong - exactly as you'd expect.

Our parents are all just human at the end of the day.

As kindly as I can say it, you clearly have nothing actually important to worry about! You're all late 20s, you're adults. Accept that parenting is bloody hard and probably your own kids will have issues later in life about something you think you're doing well with their best interests at heart.

Really is a first world problem. Minor. Focus your energies elsewhere.

OP hasn’t mentioned malice. Why are “awful” painful comments and experiences only valid if intentionally malicious?

Not sure what bro price guilt by association means.

I was always told that my sister had 'natural beauty' and would never need to wear makeup. It made me feel like shit from as young as I can remember

Sorry 'guilt by association'