I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

[Tigss]

I am one of 3 girls. I have a sister who is 16 months older than me and a non-identical twin. We are now all late 20s.
As children my parents had a really bad habit of labelling us and boxing us in with expectations. For example my older sister was the kind one, the musical one, the friendly one, the easy one. I was the smart one, the quiet one, the shy one, my twin was the pretty one, the sporty one, the social butterfly etc. This approach made my teen years somewhat hellish. We all went to different secondary schools, my older sister went to a school that had amazing performing arts alongside academics, I went to a very academic school and my twin went to a very sport focussed school. I think my parents believed this was them treating us like individuals and allowing our own talents to thrive but the reality was it meant my sisters and I had very little in common.
There was a lot of pressure put on us based on our presumed talents, such as my sister was expected to do very well in music, attend the Saturday lessons at the conservatoire, I was expected to get top grades, apply to oxbridge and my twin was meant to perform really well in her chosen sports. This all backfired when my twin sister actually outperformed both my older sister and I in her GCSEs and A-Levels and went to a better university.
In the same way we didn’t all follow the same rules. Such as I was allowed to be out much later than my twin sister, they said this was because she had training in the morning, was too likely to go off with a boy, where as it was expected I’d just study with friends. This built a lot of resentment between us. My parents also constantly pointed out how gorgeous my twin was and would say things like “you got all the smart genes, your sister got all the pretty ones”, obviously this made me feel awful, even more so when she did better in her GCSEs and I felt like I couldn’t even claim to be the smart one anymore.

Now we are all adults, all successful in our own rights but none of us in careers particularly related to our perceived strengths. We aren’t very close as I think a lot of the childhood resentment runs under the surface. We are also all in very different life stages, my older sister is happily single, moved somewhere rural and is very happy with her life, I’m married with a DS and live 10 minutes from where I grew up, my twin sister has lives abroad and is now living in central London with her fiancé.

We are meant to be spending Christmas with my family but the more I think about how awful many of their comments made me feel and how much I have grown to resent them and my sisters makes me want to back off, go to therapy and work on reconnecting with my sisters.

AIBU?

I tend to agree with this even though my parents did the same. I was 'the clever one, not particularly pretty' while my sister was 'pretty and artistic'. I didn't imagine it as we discussed it as adults and both felt the same. My sister said she felt like a performing monkey. She was the one who was less successful in education and career which may have had something to do with my parents although they might just have been trying to accentuate her talents when she failed the 11 plus (this was in the 1960s). I grew up with low self esteem and was surprised if anyone (literally anyone) found me attractive.

I think they were trying to do their best though and don't resent them for it.

I think it's ok to acknowledge the difficulty this caused you without framing it as having awful parents.

Since having my own son, I've realised how much my mum dominated what was the "right" thing for me to like (classical music, not playing with barbies, being snotty about kiddy things). I was her fourth child, and she was also used by her parents to look after her younger siblings, so I guess she was bored of kiddy things, and got a kick out of making me share her interests.

But now I see my toddler son enjoying kiddy things, and enjoying them WITH his peers, and I realise that 1) I enjoy him enjoying them SO MUCH and 2) I was pushed away from my peers artificially by an adult woman's distaste for them (needless to say this lasted through my teen years... Which wasn't fun).

But to her mind, she wasn't doing anything harmful, and was in fact trying to give me something "better". I also have views on parenting and am trying to give my son "better". I hope I get it more right than she did, but I can't be perfect.

It's useful to see the situation for what it was now.

You could see this two ways. The other way is that they were very good parents doing what they thought was best for each child separately. It would have been much easier for them to send you all to the same school. Instead, they thought about each individual child’s needs & interests. Well done to them.

The comments about your sister being the pretty one etc. were completely wrong. We all make mistakes as parents

Yes I agree.. reframe your thinking about it all really... your oarents put a lot of thought into doing what they thought was for the best for each of you individualy... they got it completely wrong... but it wasn't there intention.. you and your sisters have this in common.. you've all ended up doing OK! you've got a lot to build on here you could easily make a happy future with your sisters... try to think that your parents only wanted what was best you don't have to be so upset by that surely...

I think the musical one, academic one and sporty one is fine. However, your parents saying your twin was the prettier one would’ve really hurt. I think you need to talk to your parents about how this has affected you.

What would be the point? What could her parents do about it now except feel guilty? How would that help?

To get closure and move on. It helped me as my relationship with my mum and siblings has improved. Her parents should be held accountable.

You also forget so much of your childhood.

My daughter will probably look back at some party photos in the same way but what she won't remember is her point blank refusal to have anything with frills or her preference for (horrible) bright blue joggers.

She's the sporty one compared to my elder son. Things just come much more naturally to her where as he looks like he has hands that belong to someone else when trying to coordinate.

However he has a naturally athletic build and so may come into his own in teenage years. He's closing the gap with his peers as they get older.

It is tricky because I've said things like 'don't worry I don't think you'll be looking for a career on stage' but this is because he was so uncomfortable doing his school plays and hated them. I intended it as reassurance in that moment but who is to say he won't remember it differently, especially as he now quite likes drama at secondary school.

However the boy in front of me now isn't the painfully shy primary schooler he was just a year ago. I spent so long with that child and I'm utterly delighted at his progress but it takes a bit of adjustment.

If I had done that with my parents I think it would just have upset them and not helped at all.

I think you should definately discuss with your sisters, hopefully you can build strong bonds.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by talking to your parents about this.

They were trying to control you by putting you in little boxes they designed, and would likely get very defensive if challenged about their behaviour - you'd get a new label of the ungrateful one, and they'd try to isolate you furthet from your sisters. I don't think they were doing their best to help you thrive as independent individuals, they were telling you all who they wanted you to be - pretty, sporty, clever, nice and handy for them, but you weren't the Spice Girls.

I think you have a great chance of reconnecting with your sisters, and your kids can have aunts in their lives.

I think you need to chnage your mindset

You were loved, your parents tried their best for each of you. Surely that counts the most

I think this emphasises the dangerous trap many of us will fall into without even realising.

Your parents probably thought you were the more confident one as a result of being more academically gifted and achieving more.

They tried to compensate with your sister by emphasising different qualities. But your confidence was only in certain areas and they didn't see that and you interpreted the 'building up your sister to the same ' as 'she's better than me'.

I'll bet we've all done it. Probably to a lesser extent than OP's parents but I imagine they were trying to avoid a different pitfall and got the balance wrong.

If your parents hurt you but you want to protect their feelings then that’s very sad. People should be told when they’ve made a mistake and hurt someone and have that chance to learn and apologise.

Not good parenting, for sure, but I think no malice was intended. You are now adults who have found your niche in life. Move on from perceived parental expectations and be kind.

It sounds like they were trying to give you all good chances in life in line with your talents. They may have been misguided or got things wrong, but it seems like the intention was good and they were trying their best. I wonder which parents among us do our job perfectly?

I think you need to stop focusing on this and move on with your life. We are all flawed human beings.

Wow! do you tell only one of your DDs she's the pretty one? Awful parenting

Held accountable for what? Not being perfect? We'll be a long time if everyone is made accountable for that.

This is really sad! I'm a non identical twin too, and had the same stereotype of 'i chose books, she chose looks' but this didn't come from my parents- that would have been so hurtful to me!!
I think therapy is a great idea. And maybe speak with your sisters about it all and see if they're feeling the same?
Sounds like your parents tried to do what they thought was right but it's a good example of how you don't have to be completely abusive to hurt your kids.

Prime example of swine-like lack of gratitude for amazing childhoods arranged for you three by your parents. Wow. Your poor, poor parents.

Yes, try to work through the issues with a professional. The more quickly you can move on, the more of your life you have to live without resentment. You don't get any extra time back.

There will be positives, I'm sure, that will surface and help you not to dwell on only the negatives of your parents' efforts.
You sound like you are a family of wonderful women.
Try to see and celebrate the best in you all.
Start afresh this Christmas.
Try to laugh together about the 'experiment' and identify the horrible and happy things. Talk it out; tell your parents that it somewhat back fired (without being too cruel).

Fact is, you'll never know whether you will have ended up anywhere different had you three all gone to the same school, or if each of you had been treated as Sporty Spice, or if you had been Baby Spice and your twin sister, Scary Spice.

Your parents would have meant well in noticing strengths and offering you all individual opportunities.

It's not too late to form a girl band!
And to make your parents sparkly badges with their own labels. Who would they be?

I think this oscillates between generations. My mother was treated the same as her sister - same school, same extra curriculars, same approach. She grew up resentful that their individuality wasn’t explored.

She treated my sister and I in the same way that your parents have treated you. The problem is, you’re right in that whilst they are trying to foster individuality, they inadvertently end up pigeon-holing. All they’ve got to go off are the interests and skill sets of 7-16 year olds which of course will change significantly.

I’m trying to find a balance for my kids, but honestly it’s so hard to make the right choices for them. We’re taking the anpproach that it’s important that they’re involved in any decisions, but then again that’s a balance too.

My DH and I have spoken about this, and if our kids ever come back to criticise our choices, we can hand-on-heart say that we did our absolute best. Mistakes are probably inevitable, but we’ve raised them with love and respect, and worked with the info and tools we had at the time. Hopefully they accept that.

I think therapy would be a very good option for you. All the best!

It sounds as though your parents genuinely had your best interests at heart, and tried to give you opportunities to develop that were appropriate. It sounds as though they were well meaning. In the end it turns out they didn't get it right - but parenting is hard and they did their best as they saw it. Your feelings are understandable but you are now an adult in your own right and can make your own decisions and change your life if you want to. TBH you sound a bit depressed, therapy might or might not help depending on the therapist (IME it is a waste of time and money with only the briefest glimpses of insights that help change one's thinking/behaviour). Realistically the way your adult life has turned out is not solely down to your parents' perception of you as a developing child. In your position I would try and reconnect better with sisters, see them more often, and perhaps talk to them about their own feelings about your upbringing. And try not to hold onto only the negative feelings about your parents, look back on the good times as well.

I get it. My mother went through a stage of being obsessed with the idea of me and my sibling being autistic. She did not keep the idea to herself and regularly went on and on and on about it from when I was the age of about 10 up until I left at 16. It had a huge effect on my self esteem and my siblings too

My mother had me pigeonholed as 'disorganised'. She only had the two of us, and the other one was my brother, so it wasn't as though she HAD to put us into boxes, but this was the 60's. I was chaotic, apparently and needed to learn to organise better.

She kept this myth of me being a total mess right through my adulthood, even when I was a single mum of five, getting all the kids to school on time every day, fed, washed, dressed and all bills paid. I've subsequently been diagnosed ADHD and I think - to her, superorganised and regimented mind - I WAS chaotic. But the way I was, worked for me.

As I grew up though I could see her as a human being with problems of her own, so I understand her reasoning. I think it can help if you stand back a bit and try to look dispassionately on your upbringing and see your mother as a fallible human being who was usually trying her best.

I wish motherhood came with some kind of manual myself.

TBH you sound a bit whingy, spoilt...

stop overthinking things, get over yourself and get on with your life.