I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

[Tigss]

I am one of 3 girls. I have a sister who is 16 months older than me and a non-identical twin. We are now all late 20s.
As children my parents had a really bad habit of labelling us and boxing us in with expectations. For example my older sister was the kind one, the musical one, the friendly one, the easy one. I was the smart one, the quiet one, the shy one, my twin was the pretty one, the sporty one, the social butterfly etc. This approach made my teen years somewhat hellish. We all went to different secondary schools, my older sister went to a school that had amazing performing arts alongside academics, I went to a very academic school and my twin went to a very sport focussed school. I think my parents believed this was them treating us like individuals and allowing our own talents to thrive but the reality was it meant my sisters and I had very little in common.
There was a lot of pressure put on us based on our presumed talents, such as my sister was expected to do very well in music, attend the Saturday lessons at the conservatoire, I was expected to get top grades, apply to oxbridge and my twin was meant to perform really well in her chosen sports. This all backfired when my twin sister actually outperformed both my older sister and I in her GCSEs and A-Levels and went to a better university.
In the same way we didn’t all follow the same rules. Such as I was allowed to be out much later than my twin sister, they said this was because she had training in the morning, was too likely to go off with a boy, where as it was expected I’d just study with friends. This built a lot of resentment between us. My parents also constantly pointed out how gorgeous my twin was and would say things like “you got all the smart genes, your sister got all the pretty ones”, obviously this made me feel awful, even more so when she did better in her GCSEs and I felt like I couldn’t even claim to be the smart one anymore.

Now we are all adults, all successful in our own rights but none of us in careers particularly related to our perceived strengths. We aren’t very close as I think a lot of the childhood resentment runs under the surface. We are also all in very different life stages, my older sister is happily single, moved somewhere rural and is very happy with her life, I’m married with a DS and live 10 minutes from where I grew up, my twin sister has lives abroad and is now living in central London with her fiancé.

We are meant to be spending Christmas with my family but the more I think about how awful many of their comments made me feel and how much I have grown to resent them and my sisters makes me want to back off, go to therapy and work on reconnecting with my sisters.

AIBU?

I think you need to remember that your parents, like most of us, were just trying to do their best.

Many years ago, long before I had children of my own, I taught the child of a prominent pediatrician. He had three children at three different schools. At the time, I thought this seemed crazy. Three sets of expectations, three sets of notes and newsletters, three different uniforms, Three different days for school meetings etc.

Once I had children of my own and had a bit more life experience, I realised that he and his wife were probably just trying to do the right thing for each of their children. He was a very high earner, she was a stay at home parent and probably had more time to sort out all those different school requirements.

I had four children, we picked the best school we could for our then four year old, and because of practicality, all three of his brothers went there too. There were times that I did wonder if it was the right school for one or the other of them, but with both of us working full time, we could not have managed the practicalities of having them at more than one school. We just had to hope that they would make the most of the opportunities given to them in that school.

It would be interesting to chat to your parents, because I'm betting that from their point of view, they were probably trying to help each of you excel in what they thought each of you were best at. Unfortunately, in your case it left you feeling isolated and pigeonholed.

Families and dynamics are tricky though, There's no guide book and nothing to ensure closeness in siblings. You could have all gone to the same school and yet ended up clashing with each other anyway.

Wrong thread @Embankments .

OP - yes, what they did was wrong. Their intentions were likely good, but their execution was poor. But I have to say, I empathise. I have twins. It is a constant "Don't call them the twins!" "Don't compare them!" "Focus on each one as an individual!" and so on, and it is bastarding hard work. They were probably patting themselves on the back for discerning that one child was more academic, the other more sporty and so on. They got it wrong in their approach, but they tried.

I wouldn't be skipping Christmas over this. I would be getting therapy.

Therapy would be a good idea.

The thing is, it sounds to me as if your parents were actually trying to create a childhood in which you were all able to shine as individuals. Maybe they got that wrong. But as others have said - there's no instruction manual, and I don't think they could necessarily have predicted that you'd feel the way you do, either when you were a child or now that you're an adult.

I would also add that many, many siblings are not especially close. There's no guarantee whatsoever that you'd be best of pals with your sisters if you'd all gone to the same school or done the same hobbies.

That's not to say that your feelings aren't valid. Everyone's affected in some way by the way they were brought up and it sounds like you were too. That's why I think you could benefit from therapy. But I do think it's quite unhealthy to resent your parents for what, on the face of it, sounds like good intentions that didn't work out as planned.

Did they encourage interests that you had or try to push you to ones they thought that you should have?

Were the 2ndry schools suitable for you at the time?

Did any of you want to change but wasn't allowed to?

Have you ever spoken to your siblings about it?

Why do you also resent them?

Ah yes the boxing of otherwise similar siblings. I was the smart one and my sister yhe pretty one which for kids sounds like you're ugly and you're dumb. Both very insecure about those things even as adults.

I sometimes feel I'm guilty of doing the same with my kids - even though what I'm actually trying to do is 'see' and recognise all the things that are special and unique about them. Of my three children, my eldest has SEND and finds school a lot harder, and the middle is prone to feeling overlooked because of all the focus on DD1 because of this. I probably go OTT commenting on and celebrating the things DD1 is good at (because she finds so much else a struggle) and my DD2 will say 'what about me, my drawing is nice too.' Or when I'm worried she's feeling overlooked, I'll comment on all the ways in which my DD2 is talented and special and unique and my DD1 will get upset.
I guess the best thing is to let them develop their interests without making a big song and dance about those interests defining them or connecting your love for them to them being 'the sporty one' or 'the arty one' but as an exhausted working parent with three kids, do we always manage to get this tone or nuance absolutely perfect? No we absolutely don't. Do we love our kids and are we doing our absolute best for them? A hundred per cent yes.
I say this kindly as I didn't have the easiest parents either, but I do think if you don't have your own children yet, you might be inclined to give your parents more of a break after/ if you choose to have your own and realise how f*ing hard parenting is and how easy it is to do the 'wrong' thing.

I don’t think the issue was in identifying our talents but rather making us feel as though our pre-identified talents were all we had.
We didn’t get a say on which schools we went to, rather we were told this one is sporty or this one is academic.
We also didn’t get much opportunity to try new hobbies. Rather at about age 8/9 they identified what they believed was our greatest strength, from there we were pushed into continuing that. For me this was lots of tutoring for the 11+, my older sister had lots of music lessons and my twin (debatably had it the worst in this sense) would have sports before school and after school.
The reality is, I wasn’t just academic, I discovered a love for performing and theatre while at uni, my twin was clearly much more academically capable than my parents ever gave her credit for. At her very sporty independent school she was the top academic performer in her A-Levels with 3 A* and an A. My older sister was actually a really good netball player as well as violin and clarinet.
None of us got to develop our other skills as our parents had defined us so rigidly.

I tried my best with my children, as your parents did with you and your sisters, OP.

Its interesting how the things I chose to do weren't always right. I made mistakes which I didn't realise at the time WERE mistakes

My children and I often speak about it and I always apologise. They're aware that no matter how hard you try as a parent, you always end up fucking things up in one/some areas of your parenting

I think as parents it's important to acknowledge your mistakes (however well intentioned) and talk things through with your children to try to help them understand your parental choices and for you, as a parent, to understand the damage you've done .....meaningful and heartfelt apologies can help imo

Therapy is an excellent idea

I agree with this.

You are going to make mistakes with your ds. We all do.

But the ops parents aren’t yours?

@RescueMeFromThisSilliness

They are all positive traits. I think it would be different if they were negative characteristics.

The reality is, I wasn’t just academic, I discovered a love for performing and theatre while at uni, my twin was clearly much more academically capable than my parents ever gave her credit for. At her very sporty independent school she was the top academic performer in her A-Levels with 3 A and an A. My older sister was actually a really good netball player as well as violin and clarinet.*
None of us got to develop our other skills as our parents had defined us so rigidly.

It looks like you did each develop other skills, albeit later.

That’s not to say don’t try therapy and don’t discuss it with your sisters, but give yourself/selves credit for growing beyond those initial ‘categories’. I don’t believe my path was set at 8, 12, 15 or until after uni, quite honestly.

OP what should your parents have done?
They looked at what you seemed to be like at 8/9 and chose schools that thought would suit you based on that information. What would you do so differently with your own kids?
As a mum of three I can tell you that unless you're extremely wealthy and privileged it is simply not physically possible to allow them all to try every single extra-curricular hobby or interest they might possibly enjoy, until they figure out what they like the most. They do have to choose to some extent because the logistics are a nightmare. It's very different if you have one child.
I'd love my three to be able to try every instrument, sport and performing art going to work out what their real passions are. Of course I would. But the reality is we can't afford or facilitate this! They each get to do a couple of activities so they choose the things they most like... at the moment the eldest chooses arty stuff and the middle one prefers music and sport.... the thought of them growing up to decide this was us 'pigeonholing' them really horrifies me- but what should I do? Give them all expensive sport, art and instrument lessons - even DD1 who has no interest - just in case sone of them he later feels pigeon-holed?
Furthermore it doesn't sound like the 'pigeon holing' actually limited you in any way- take the example of your sister who was thought to be more sporty but then got top A levels - she obviously thrived where she was. The fact that she did well is not some sort of indictment of your parents' approach, I don't think.
IMO it is very normal for it to take until late teens or even uni - or later! - to work out what really interests and excited you and what talents you have, those things can also change. It's also your responsibility as an individual to discover those things. I've only really done this as an adult.
Your parents sounds like they tried hard to parent you all well and give you lots of opportunities. I am sure they made mistakes, like all parents, but did the best they could with the information and knowledge they had. Parents are human and fallible, like you. Try to give them some grace.

A friend of mine - also one of three girls - had exactly the same experience. Down to the “clever one, sporty one, pretty one” descriptors. I wonder if it’s a more common thing than you’d imagine; she certainly didn’t like it much either! I think it’s hard just to let these things go when they’ve been so ingrained from childhood.

You say you had your schools imposed upon you - We asked our primary headteacher for a day off to go and look round secondary schools, she was of the opinion that I was daft to give my kids any input as to secondary schools choice…

I saw a comedy sketch a while ago where a chap was in therapy for similar non-traumatic life events, complaining he’d spent a fortune and felt no better…”have you tried not thinking about it” was the therapists best advice, many a true word spoken in jest!

Do you think your parents did what they thought was best, OP? Or do you think they had ulterior motives?

My Mum tried to be a good mum (she still does). I know she loves me. However, she is a flawed person (like all of us) and some of the things she said to me / about me when I was growing up were damaging. She'd die if she knew (these were not unkind things but lots of pigeon holing, like your parents and some transferred issues around food), so when I reflect on it, I try to do so with empathy. She tried her best, I genuinely believe that, so that's what I try to focus on.

Or maybe they didn't think you were that academic so they got you loads of tutoring to help? But said you were to boost your confidence.

It seems very odd to pay for a tutor for a child who is already extremely smart.....and not get a tutor for the child who is struggling.

Maybe it was all a bit of reverse psychology because it doesn't make sense.

Sorry this just sounds like too much navel gazing…therapy for what? It sounds like your parents loved you, encouraged you all based on your strengths and gave you lots of opportunities. Try to be grateful to your parents instead of inventing problems.

I'd be the twin sister, the pretty one, out performing all the others.
Which one are you?

Definitely explore therapy if it bothers you but it does sound like they did what they thought was the right thing, and who knows if you would have been happier with them letting you choose - would you potentially have felt aimless, not supported or structured, allowed to have made the wrong choices as a child? Not saying that IS the case, but it's just something to think about - sometimes the grass is always greener.

I guess it's just a case of resolving it for yourself and thinking about whether your parents' hearts were in the right place.

I think it's true that (almost) all parents do their best. Even mine did, and my childhood was really quite fucked up. It's simply that (almost) all parents carry their own issues, so, in many cases, their best isn't very good.

You were not allowed to be who you are and were labelled and forced into isolation from each other....just offering condolences and if you grieve, you are right to do so

My Mum always says that she and her sisters had this labelling - “the nice one, the pretty one and the clever one”.

It’s so short sighted as it assumes that people can’t grow and develop as they get older, and also is ridiculously simplistic.

Funnily enough, it’s the clever one who most resents and resented that in their case too - even though she’s massively successful and mildly famous. My Mum was seen as the pretty one but this isn’t one of the things she resents about her parents - she does seem to view looks as more important than they are as a result though.

My parents were sort of the opposite- they tended to lump as all in (one girl, two boys) as a homogeneous mass quite a lot.

Why do you dwell on any of this. It's perfectly normal to "label" your children. The quiet one, the loud one ,etc. That doesn't mean thata who you are or will be. It's a snapshot in time. I honestly have no idea why this bothers you

but however I see you 3 sisters, having an yearly meet up deep in the countryside, then in your semi and then your sister glamourous London pad. Could turn into a great healing one day