I really resent my parents for labelling us as children

[Tigss]

I am one of 3 girls. I have a sister who is 16 months older than me and a non-identical twin. We are now all late 20s.
As children my parents had a really bad habit of labelling us and boxing us in with expectations. For example my older sister was the kind one, the musical one, the friendly one, the easy one. I was the smart one, the quiet one, the shy one, my twin was the pretty one, the sporty one, the social butterfly etc. This approach made my teen years somewhat hellish. We all went to different secondary schools, my older sister went to a school that had amazing performing arts alongside academics, I went to a very academic school and my twin went to a very sport focussed school. I think my parents believed this was them treating us like individuals and allowing our own talents to thrive but the reality was it meant my sisters and I had very little in common.
There was a lot of pressure put on us based on our presumed talents, such as my sister was expected to do very well in music, attend the Saturday lessons at the conservatoire, I was expected to get top grades, apply to oxbridge and my twin was meant to perform really well in her chosen sports. This all backfired when my twin sister actually outperformed both my older sister and I in her GCSEs and A-Levels and went to a better university.
In the same way we didn’t all follow the same rules. Such as I was allowed to be out much later than my twin sister, they said this was because she had training in the morning, was too likely to go off with a boy, where as it was expected I’d just study with friends. This built a lot of resentment between us. My parents also constantly pointed out how gorgeous my twin was and would say things like “you got all the smart genes, your sister got all the pretty ones”, obviously this made me feel awful, even more so when she did better in her GCSEs and I felt like I couldn’t even claim to be the smart one anymore.

Now we are all adults, all successful in our own rights but none of us in careers particularly related to our perceived strengths. We aren’t very close as I think a lot of the childhood resentment runs under the surface. We are also all in very different life stages, my older sister is happily single, moved somewhere rural and is very happy with her life, I’m married with a DS and live 10 minutes from where I grew up, my twin sister has lives abroad and is now living in central London with her fiancé.

We are meant to be spending Christmas with my family but the more I think about how awful many of their comments made me feel and how much I have grown to resent them and my sisters makes me want to back off, go to therapy and work on reconnecting with my sisters.

AIBU?

This, and said kindly -get some proper perspective too OP - your childhood was alot better than others who have been seriously abused by their parents. Atleast their intentions were right and you’ve benefited from it with education and your lifestyle now. No one has a totally balanced childhood, there are always issues with the way you feel about parents and siblings. Therapy is a helpful way for you to reflect on why you really feel this way and perhaps get into some volunteering and see what real hardships others face in society, you’ll feel a lot better about your own if your grounded.

I think it sounds like your parents were following the fashion of the time, which was probably in response to the previous generation who were very much considered to have been ignored as individuals by their parents and just lumped as the children. It is damaging to label children as talents etc change anyway. On the bright side, at least you seem to have been given positive labels.

Get over yourself you are an adult and need to take responsibility for your own actions and stop blaming your parents they did their best and I’m sure they loved you. No parent is perfect

It’s hard though - kind of like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Let’s say there was a family with a Chloe Kelly, a Rosalia and a Hannah Fry. It would be a shame if they didn’t encourage their sport, music and academics.

Though of course it was wrong if they didn’t let you learn and instrument or try sport. And absolutely no excuse for labelling someone the pretty one!

I don't agree with what your parents did. They sound similar to my friend's parents (she was one of four children - they had the pretty one, the academic one, the sporty one and the artistic one and it hasn't done any of them any favours).

However, it sounds like your parents were misguided rather than cruel, abusive or neglectful. My friend and her siblings have forgiven their parents and have a close family relationship. I think you should aim for the same outcome @Tigss - with the help of therapy if necessary.

Projection of personality types by parents onto children is quite common and certainly happened in my family where my mother, who had one older sister, projected her perceptions of her older sister's personality (bad) onto her elder daughter (me) and her own personality (good) onto her younger daughter (my sister). It was really quite ridiculous as I have very little in common with my maternal aunt, an extremely outgoing social butterfly. My mother made decisions for me based on what she believed (with no evidence at all bar her own projections) was my personality which needed to be controlled and punished.

Honestly I think your making a mountain out of a molehill. Your parents did what they thought best, they had your best interests at heart which is way more than most people can say about their parents. You could easily meet up with you sister and have a better relationship but you have to make the effort.

I grew up in the 70's.
My sister and I were always pigeonholed-she was the pretty one (blonder curly hair) and I was the smart one. (straight hair)

We laugh about it now but there is a picture of us going to a birthday party where she is in a white frilly party dress all smiles and I am in a plain navy blue dress with a white collar looking very solemn. It is very poignant.
We clearly look like we are going to different places!!
*now both of us would prefer the navy dress 😂

It is long enough ago and we are able to laugh and joke about it but it can def encourage feelings of resentment and inadequacies in young girls.

Hopefully you can reconnect with your sisters-it's not too late!!

And I assume your parents were trying to do what they thought was best for each of you individually and did not have bad intentions but were trying to do what they thought was right.
Obviously it didn't go as planned but I think they were awkwardly trying.
Parenting isn't always easy!

Your parents sound well intentioned but controlling and this obviously backfired but the one thing I would say is that you all found your way eventually.
Parents aren’t perfect and often they are trying their best - whatever we might say your parents clearly tried !

Great response

OP youre not alone, its infuriating and makes you feel like you are not really seen....just as the stereotype your parents slapped on you years ago and that you may have outgrown, or was perhaps even never remotely true, just something they decided was true and then imposed. people who are so flippantly saying 'get over it' or 'it wasnt so bad' dont realise how stifling it is, or how it attacks your sense of identity or feeling of being accepted and loved.

In my case I was the supposedly brainy one who was supposed to always have her head stuck in a book, was supposed to be hopelessly head in the clouds and impractical, and would never get a boyfriend. My sister was supposed to be the dumb but popular one. Actually all this is nonsense. We're both pretty similar and somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.

In our case we are able to laugh about it and its drawn us closer together, we just laugh and roll our eyes because we know its all fiction. But it can be a horrible and damaging thing. Hugs to you xx

How many times do parents, especially on here, justify their reasons for sending their dc to private school because it was ‘the right school for their child’? It seems to be seen as an acceptable reason. Your parents were just doing the same for you.

Edit to add: I don’t believe in pigeonholing kids myself, but I do accept that all decent parents do want to let their children fulfil their potential.

It’s also known how teenagers have no self awareness and see things only from their perspective so sometimes as a parent you do everything right, bar one thing, and that’s the thing they hone in on. I remember once I’d had a day of giving my all to my kids, my job, starting at 6am, also perimenopausal. Come 9pm I was sitting down for the very first time that day utterly exhausted. Enter 9.01 dd13 with some problem with a boy which we’d been over and over for weeks. I gave her about 5 mins and then said I was exhausted and could we do it some other time. Diary entry ‘I’m totally heartbroken even my own mum has no time for me. I feel so alone’

This is so well put and is something that keeps me up at night with regard to my own primary age children. I dont have a bad word to say about my parents. My husband quite the opposite about his upbringing (i understand why) but I am constantly questioning myself and my parenting now hoping I don't make the mistakes his parents did.

Or make others i haven't even considered!

You are the only parent of the group. This gives you a different perspective and has you questioning your parents parenting skills. We make decisions based on our own upbringing.

You’ll probably find your sisters have similar stories - whilst you may think what they had was better - they may think you did!!

Hobbies aren’t so much about talent, but perseverance, team building - work ethic, a skill set however this is achieved

I have 3 including twins - I want my kids to be a team, look after each other, whilst DS lived football, the girls enjoyed net ball, one still plays, the other is more into the gym. Bit they do support each other, look after each other, pick each other up after a night out.

This is the bit that’s missing and this is the bit you need to build.

They might have been trying their best but ‘My parents also constantly pointed out how gorgeous my twin was and would say things like “you got all the smart genes, your sister got all the pretty ones”, ’ is pretty bad.

I was the lazy and clumsy one..
actually have dyspraxia!

I haven’t read the full thread but what stands out to me is your parents had 3 kids under two and that must have been so hard! They tried to cultivate each of your strengths by sending you to three different schools. I can’t imagine how much of a struggle that must have been for them day to day! They sound like they were really invested parents that wanted the best for their kids. Maybe they stereotyped you and pigeon holed you. If that’s the worst thing that came out of your upbringing I would be grateful.
My childhood memories are of being poor, cold and in a house where my parents argued so much there was often violence (mum being violent to dad) my mum’s mental health being so bad she ‘took to her bed’ for often months at a time. I would trade that for stereotyping.
I would definitely recommend therapy-it worked well for me. However sometimes we just need to pick ourselves up, count our blessings and get on with life and all its messiness.

Isn't that kind of " labelling" quite the norm in families. Even if families where the kids have a far less privileged upbringing that your sisters and you?

Honestly some people find anything to moan about. Perhaps you'd have preferred no labelling from parents but crap schools, no sports/ music opportunities etc ( between all 3 of you) I'm sure you'd not really have been any happier at the local sink comp where you walk through metal detectors to search for weapons and many of the kids don't even get GCSE s. Count your blessings

Reading what your brother said to you gave me a lump in my throat. It’s amazing how a gentle kindness that makes you completely look at yourself more positively can really hit the spot

I think the issue with grammar schools is you’ve got the council officially labelling one of the kids as the ‘clever one’ which doesn’t help

I agree. It's easy in hind sight but it does sound like they thought they were doing the right thing. I have a dancer who is at lessons until late and several days a week. The younger one also goes dancing but is less consumed by it. I try to discuss with them what they want from it and as my older one loves it, she also needs to realise she will have to sacrifice other things too. She can make that decision overall but I would not expect it to be easy.

As parents we constantly second guess what we are doing. I don't know how old your son is but as they get older it gets harder to navigate their choices and the balance. I have two girls so no doubt they will compare whatever I do. I've also made it clear that they need to think about what they have rather than don't have because it is impossible to have exactly the same all the time. They are different ages, they have different interests. Also no doubt there will be the day where one of them will turn around and tell me I did it all wrong!

Go to therapy if you feel the need to. I think it can be a great option but maybe don't hold it against your parents or sisters. A therapist may help you reframe your thoughts. You have said you're all happy? Would your life be the same if you did something differently. Were you ever forced into a direction you didn't want to go? If your son isnt academic what would you do? If he's really bright and the teacher wants to give him extra work to challenge him what would you do? If he really wants to play football every weekend do you encourage that or not? Do you give him the tools to build on his strengths or say no. It sounds like the pressure was indirect not because your parents applied it but there is probably more to that than you can get in your original post.

Parenting is hard. And I just feel that unless they beat you or were cruel, they were trying their best and nothing is perfect. Hope you find peace and you've got your whole life ahead to decide what you do next, it's nothing to do with your parents now.

Therapy, definitely. And as your sisters were equally impacted, it may turn out to be a factor in you reconnecting once you’ve got further from your childhoods. My parents did similar, with the best of intentions, but tremendously negative consequences. We’ve only become closer in our 40s and 50s, after more time passed. It’s possible to acknowledge that your parents were doing their best without minimising the consequences.

"Have you tried not thinking about it" - love it!! What excellent advice - especially for the 28 to 32 year old age group.

They seem particular "hard done by" in their own minds I find.

And utterly exhausting with the things they manage to streeeeeeeeeeeeeetch out as showing what awful childhoods they had.