Utter sh!t in the bedroom!! Help

[Sprinklecake97]

I’m honestly at my wits’ end. My partner is so selfish in bed and I’m getting completely turned off him. He makes no effort with foreplay at all — his idea of it is sticking a finger in me for a minute or two in the wrong place, and it literally feels like he’s digging around. Then he thinks that’s enough and we’re good to go. I’ve expressed this to him several times, to the point where I’ve got quite savage and said “it just feels shit” or “you don’t even bother to turn me on and you still expect sex,” but nothing changes. The other night I snapped and asked if he actually gets off on having sex with me dry and he just laughed. He’s in his 30s and should know better. I’m starting to avoid him because he thinks he’s getting sex every night even though it’s completely awful. I end up thinking about my ex just to get through it because otherwise I’m lying there waiting for it to be over. It honestly feels like he’s trying to have sex with sandpaper at this point, and he genuinely believes he’s good in bed when it’s absolutely terrible. I don’t know what to do anymore.

…otherwise decent partner? A person who does not care for someone and their needs in the bedroom is not a decent partner.

I just want to say this has actually been really embarrassing for me to post in the first place, but I didn’t know where else to get some outside perspective. It’s even more embarrassing having to say we have children together, because I know that’s the first thing people question why stay with someone if the sex is this bad? And more to blame on my part by staying I shouldn't just be because we have children.

To be clear, we’re not still having sex now. He's sleeping on the sofa most nights. I’ve stopped because it was making me feel awful. I think what’s thrown me the most is that it wasn’t always like this. It’s only over time that it’s become this bad, and I’m honestly just confused about how it’s changed so much.

I do appreciate everyone’s advice, even if some of it is blunt. Hearing different viewpoints helps me figure out what to do next🩷

Don't be embarrassed i know you must feel it but I don't think you are unusual to be in this relationship, it isn't always easy just to up and leave,

Oh god, leave him thats horrendous.

I saw a funny meme on social media a while ago which said something like 'imagine if women had to orgasm to get pregnant, there would be like 5 people in the world' and it really made me laugh.

Imagine if it was true though, these men would actually have to start LISTENING to women 😱

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about. He should be the one who feels shame over this.

Sorry to be that person but there isn't any possibility that he's having an affair is there...?

@Starlight1984 this is what I have thought and to be honest it would make a lot more sense, he's more snappy. Just random outbursts it seems anything I say is now a problem.

So sorry to hear that OP - chumplady is recommended reading on here isn't she - sounds like you might be getting a bit of The Script

Tell him. Sex is over-rated anyway, yeah it can be great but is generally a waste of time. Has he got a personality to match his selfish & lazy performance? Don't settle.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. People can change, hide their true nature. There's so much that's on him and none on you.

My first thought is affair. And him having such a huge sense of security and arrogance in that he cares not one bit about you. To respond in that way when you told him is a big red flag. Like he has a back up plan and doesn't give a shit because of that.

Are you scared of him at all OP? He sounds a bit wrong to me.

The only direction here feels like out the door. Once you have your ducks in a row, know you will be ok financially etc then you can kindly let him know that you've grow apart. Goodbye.

It's easy to say it on here than do it. He sounds awful OP. Look after yourself.

Is this post for real

Do you think if you sat down with him and told him how you miss the closeness and pleasure you once had with him and you feel like you’re mourning the sex life you used to have that he might actually stop treating the situation like a joke?
If you set out some sex rules, like foreplay only until you give the go ahead to have sex no matter how many days or weeks it takes that he’d be down for that?

It’s your call whatever you decide but definitely don’t continue to have sex with him if he’s not going to make an effort.

Not if it's coercive.

Yes I admit I did think affair too. Could be wrong of course, but if it was previously good and now isn't, the seeming lack of care and affection, random bad moods and snappiness.... it does point to infidelity.

The whole It Used to be Good and What Happened? Is something I'm battling with too. MyDH at least doesn't laugh about it though, even though he doesn't seem to listen to anything I have tried to say about what I would actually like, because he believes so strongly that he knows what I like and needs to deliver it in the way he prefers. If he laughed and insisted, I wouldn't be So baffled, I would be raging and divorcing. Although I know very well that is far easier said than done. Sorry OP, no answers, just sympathy xx

@99point9FahrenheitDegrees It's just really heartbreaking, but I know what I need to do now because it's not okay

Why are you trying to end it amicably?

Just get a solicitor, look for another place to live, get some help to move your stuff out, and then file for divorce and serve him with papers.

It's always better to end it amicably if you can. It's better financially, emotionally and practically. Obviously, it's not always possible but it's a good thing to aim for.

@Lastfroginthebox Exactly

No personal experience, but isn’t it possible to do both - as in getting those ducks in a rows and then initiating a (hopefully…) calm conversation about why splitting up is in everyone’s best interests?