For not wanting to get involved with son’s access to his child?

[PaperShaving]

Son is currently in prison following violent attack on his girlfriend. This is the 2nd time he’s been in prison for the same offence against the same person. All in all he’s spent the past 4 years in and out of prison. He has a child who is 4. Luckily I have a great relationship with my grandchild and the child’s mum and I am heavily involved with them.

Now, mum is in new relationship (thank god) and after last attack has decided she doesn’t want DS involved with child. He barely knows the child anyway considering he’s spent most of child’s life in prison.

However - he seems to think it’s my job to help him gain access to child. I’ve told him I can’t and that he will need to go through the courts if that’s what he wants. Now he’s asking if I can pass on Christmas presents to child from him. I’ve spoken to mum who has said no. So I’ve said no. Now I’m all the bastards under the sun for not helping my son and “trying to keep child from him” and “enabling parental isolation” etc etc

Im not unreasonable here am I? I swear I’m very close to cutting him off. He shows no remorse for what he’s done, everything is everyone else’s fault and when he can’t get what he wants he turns abusive.

He’s due for release in 3 weeks.

He doesn’t expect to be moving in with you does he?

Christ no. I wouldn’t have him.

Under the new guidance for family crts hes unlikely to get any access to the child which is for the best from the sounds of things.
You are doing the right thing

It’s an extremely difficult situation and it’s wonderful that you have, despite the actions of your son, been able to build a relationship with your grandchild and the mother. It cannot have been easy for any of you. You must now prioritise that relationship over the one you have with your son. You have done the right thing - he needs legal advice and the courts are best placed to set in place any contact deemed appropriate. Stay out of it as it will go wrong and then you may be lumped in with your son and lose the relationship you have. You’re already on the back foot as new boyfriend may not be keen on your involvement unless he sees you as useful for childcare.

I prioritise my grandchild over everyone and everything, we have an amazing bond and I wouldn’t risk it for anything. New boyfriend is lovely thankfully and does see the benefit of the free childcare ☺️

Nope your doing the right thing your son is an adult your grandson is not. Your grandson comes first. Keep the relationship with your grandson and his mum and have as limited contact as possible with your son.

I wish I had an ex-mother in-law like you. You are a great grandmother.

The only one enabling parental alienation is the one in prison for assaulting the child's mother. Again.

He can post presents - you don’t need to deliver

the law hasn’t changed yet!

I’m sorry what son? You have a daughter now and a grandchild. There is no room for a son in your life

Your son is a violent thug, OP. Keep yourself safe.

You are a brilliant grandmother. But be careful he doesn't turn his anger on you, physically.

You are not being unreasonable but also be careful.

I wish my parents had prioritised my nieces over my brother. You are doing the right thing. He won’t change.

Out of interest, do you think he was born bad or did his life experiences turn him that way?

Christ, what’s his problem? He sounds like a very dangerous piece of work. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for you but you’re doing the right thing prioritising your grandchild and her mum and he’s being awful to you so you’ve got nothing to lose by cutting him off. Protect yourself and his other victims.

I’ve asked myself this millions on times - I have no idea as my other children are brilliant, good jobs, never been in trouble, good friends etc - he was a nightmare from primary school

just to add, the initial attack on the girlfriend is NOT the first time he was arrested for violence. He’s been arrested for violent offences twice before he met her (against men)

I do fear him, i think he’s a psychopath

@PaperShaving why haven’t you washed your hands of him yet?

I fear he is going to harass and bully you to make you let him see his son when you've got contact
You know, if you let him, just once then mum will also stop your contact dont you?

It isn't going to be a safe decision for you to supervise his contact....I think that is what he will be angling for if he takes it to court.

Its not always as simple as that it is still her son and she's scared of him. Don't victim blame op shes doing all the right things

You're doing exactly the right thing. He's got some cheek blaming you for him not having a relationship with your grandson, after everything he's done. I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your grandson and his mum 💐

@youalright i’m not victim blaming. I appreciate it’s still her son. As someone who had an abusive parent leopards don't change their spots and you’re best to cut them off. You can't reason with unreasonable people.

Let him take it to court once he's released. They may allow visits at a Contact Centre. His ex can take the child there and come back once it's over. They will keep it separate and there is no need for parents to see each other. Also get yourself a Ring doorbell for protection. If he threatens you show the footage to the police. You are a fantastic grandmother, your grandchild is very lucky to have you in their life. Never underestimate the good you are doing in keeping a relationship with your grandchild and mum. They must come first. Good luck

I think you’re doing the right thing. You can love your kids but hate their behaviour and at some point you need to consider cutting himself off. It sounds like your son is a nasty, violent man who won’t change and doesn’t hold himself accountable.

Make sure you keep yourself safe. Have you got any cameras? An alarm?

"Son, it's not in child's best interests to have any contact, including indirect contact, with a violent man. If you want to see the child, stop being a violent man. If you want the child to know that you cared about them when you couldn't see them because you are violent and aggressive open a savings account and put what you would have spent on gifts in that."