For not wanting to get involved with son’s access to his child?

[PaperShaving]

Son is currently in prison following violent attack on his girlfriend. This is the 2nd time he’s been in prison for the same offence against the same person. All in all he’s spent the past 4 years in and out of prison. He has a child who is 4. Luckily I have a great relationship with my grandchild and the child’s mum and I am heavily involved with them.

Now, mum is in new relationship (thank god) and after last attack has decided she doesn’t want DS involved with child. He barely knows the child anyway considering he’s spent most of child’s life in prison.

However - he seems to think it’s my job to help him gain access to child. I’ve told him I can’t and that he will need to go through the courts if that’s what he wants. Now he’s asking if I can pass on Christmas presents to child from him. I’ve spoken to mum who has said no. So I’ve said no. Now I’m all the bastards under the sun for not helping my son and “trying to keep child from him” and “enabling parental isolation” etc etc

Im not unreasonable here am I? I swear I’m very close to cutting him off. He shows no remorse for what he’s done, everything is everyone else’s fault and when he can’t get what he wants he turns abusive.

He’s due for release in 3 weeks.

You sound amazing.

I would love to hear the justification of the person who voted YABU 🤨

Have you been contacted by his Probation Officer at all? You could speak to them with any concerns you have about his upcoming release, including around the safety of his ex and his son.

They may not be able to tell you anything about his licence conditions (unless he's coming out at the end of his sentence? Is he on recall?) but you can provide information if you wish and they can take it into consideration for the next steps.

She's already been on here and said she clicked accidentally.

Well done, you, I doubt very much this is about seeing the child and more about controlling his ex.

Yes, though maybe worth saying again that you can reverse your vote as long as a poll is still open by just clicking on the other option.

I think you’re brilliant and you’re not doing anything wrong, stay safe. I think it might be a good idea to go no contact as I think he may mess things up for you with your GC and his Mum but that’s easier said than done when you have all the memories of a child before they became what they are now ❤️

You have absolutely done the right thing and I commend you for it. having a relationship with your grandchild means your also there to safeguard them (and the mother also). It must be really hard to see your son make bad decisions again and again and show no remorse but you have done all the right things. He has put your GC at risk

I think you’re an incredibly strong woman.

Grandchild comes first over your violent son. If you start allowing your son to push you around you’re jeopardising the relationship you have with DIL and your grandson.

Your son will end up back in prison for another 2 years and you’ll lose everything.

Be every name under the sun, do not let him back in

This.

Sending you hugs. It sounds like a really difficult situation and you are handling it well, sensitively and maturely, no matter how disappointed you must feel in your son.

Definitely pressed by mistake!
I didn’t realise you can change your vote. I’m wandering if it’s within a certain time as I’ve just tried and it’s not letting me.

I’ll know incase it happens again.

I've just noticed your DGC is four and your DS has been in and out of prison for the same period, how can he say anyone's alienating him when he's been in prison nearly all his child's life, did he expect the woman he'd beaten up twice to take the DC prison visiting?
He may be your DS but he's dangerous @PaperShaving made more so because he's incapable of seeing it's all his own doing. I'd speak to the police/probation officer and ask if you can be notified before he's released and if they can help with suggestions on your home security. It's sad but you can't let motherly feelings get in the way of your safety

It’s refreshing to hear of a mother who does not make excuses for her son and supports his child and ex so well.

and “trying to keep child from him” and “enabling parental isolation” etc etc

Nope. That’s all on him and him alone, when he decided to be violent and attack someone. Not really one for taking responsibility for his actions and the repercussions is he!

Yeah, I’d be worried about your safety to be honest. He has zero concept of remorse or consequences to be lashing out at you. You sound like a lovely grandma and so kind to the ex.

@Lifeneedsaresetagain Have you cut one of your children off? I haven’t and I can’t imagine how difficult it would be, I think it’s pretty much impossible to stop loving your child.

One of my elderly Dad’s friends was made homeless by her son when he used her house as security for a loan. She didn’t report him to the police and is still in contact with him-it sounds mad but she loves him.

@PaperShaving You know that you’re doing the right thing for your grandchild. 💐

Hard as it undoubtedly is, I think you really need to completely cut all contact with your son.

That will help reduce the possibility of him manipulating you to gain access to the child.

My BIL was very like you describe your son. My MIL was unable to keep him from manipulating her and as a result never saw that grandchild again beyond the age of about 3. That was just over 20 years ago now and although it was a sad situation, the decision by BIL's ex wife to stop stop him from having any contact with her was absolutely the right one.

Oh dear, that sounds an awful prediction OP, you are right to prioritise your relationship with DGC and their mum.

Your DS needs to understand that any access to his child will be entirely dependent on him drastically improving his behaviour, nothing else will count for anything unless he reforms himself, and that that is the only thing that you will support when he gets out.

I hope you and he get the help and support you need to achieve that, although I'm afraid it might be in short supply

What a breath of fresh air this post is on here! Well done Grandma, you absolutely have your head screwed on and are so courageous. Cutting your son off and not enabling his terrible behaviour must be so hard, but it is the right thing. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing and I’m sorry you have to experience this.

You don’t replace a birth related son with a DIL.🙄

OP is doing the right thing, by prioritising her grandchild.

You do when your son is in prison for the second time for beating the shit out of his girlfriend. I wouldn’t even need him to be replaced. He’d be dead to me

I would consider getting a restraining order if he continues to threaten you; you don’t want him to try and force contact when you have your grandchild. You’re making the best of a really difficult situation - prioritise your own safety.

Your son is a disgusting woman abuser and has lost the right to forge a relationship with his son .

You’re doing the right thing prioritising your DGC. Please keep yourself safe. 💐