For not wanting to get involved with son’s access to his child?

[PaperShaving]

Son is currently in prison following violent attack on his girlfriend. This is the 2nd time he’s been in prison for the same offence against the same person. All in all he’s spent the past 4 years in and out of prison. He has a child who is 4. Luckily I have a great relationship with my grandchild and the child’s mum and I am heavily involved with them.

Now, mum is in new relationship (thank god) and after last attack has decided she doesn’t want DS involved with child. He barely knows the child anyway considering he’s spent most of child’s life in prison.

However - he seems to think it’s my job to help him gain access to child. I’ve told him I can’t and that he will need to go through the courts if that’s what he wants. Now he’s asking if I can pass on Christmas presents to child from him. I’ve spoken to mum who has said no. So I’ve said no. Now I’m all the bastards under the sun for not helping my son and “trying to keep child from him” and “enabling parental isolation” etc etc

Im not unreasonable here am I? I swear I’m very close to cutting him off. He shows no remorse for what he’s done, everything is everyone else’s fault and when he can’t get what he wants he turns abusive.

He’s due for release in 3 weeks.

YANBU, he gave up any right to a relationship with his child when he engaged in domestic abuse.

You are doing the right thing. I wish more family members were like you. Stick by your former DIL. As others have said, you can love your son, but not condone or enable his behaviour if he has done no work to change himself.

This! I'm sorry OP but you need to watch your back.

I would tell him that the only way he will get contact is if he can go to court and convince an impartial judge that contact is in the child's best interest. Which is vanishingly unlikely.

I think you should cut all contact with him tbh. I know it’s incredibly hard as he’s your son, but I just wouldn’t risk either my relationship with my grandchild, or my own safety by keeping in contact with him.

She has a grandchild and a good relationship with his mum. I don’t think I’d go so far as to say she’s gained a daughter.

I think he needs to look into what parental alienation actually is, the mum is protecting her child against a violent man and that is not alienation. Yanbu OP you are doing the right thing by not helping him.

All I can say is what you already know - his emotional abuse of you to get what he wants is only a fraction of what mum experienced.

So in no way is exposure to him going to be better for GCs mum - which means it already impacts GC, even if she isn't experiencing it herself yet, because it impacts her primary carer.

You son is a life ruiner. Don't let him take more from you all.

You’re a fantastic grandmother and support to your DIL.

Like others have said, be very careful and make sure you keep yourself safe.

You're doing the right thing. If more people took this approach to abusive men we'd probably have less of them. You're showing your son, grandchild and grandchild's mother that abuse isn't acceptable.

What I’m trying to say is her son should be dead to her. I would have no relationship or communication with any child of mine who turned out like he has. Her focus should be on the relationship with the child’s mother and the child. I would be completely nc with the son

I have clicked the you are being unreasonable button by mistake! You are not being unreasonable.

I have nothing useful to add, but I think you're amazing!

Well done on standing up for your family. It's good your grandsons mum has a new bf but she needs to give the relationship a long time before he moves in with her, your grandchild needs a safe space with his mum, another man moving in too quickly isn't a good idea.

Youll have to choose between your vile son or grandchild.

You said your hisband. Where is his dad?

I hope this doesn’t sound patronising but well down as a mum for taking his ex and child’s side and not facilitating contact “because he’s your son”.

By respecting his ex boundaries and keeping it that way Yanbu at all.

I hope you continue to have a lovely relationship with your DGS.

I’m worried he’s going to stalk you when you have your grandchild, to gain access. Be very careful op and I would not be arranging to meet him alone, or have him in your house. He shows no remorse and is manipulative (by your own words) which is very worrying for future behaviour. He’s going to leave prison with presumably no job, little money, resentment and a lot of time on his hands to stew and plot. I think you should prepare for going no contact as your other Dc have.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. The children should always come first.

Ditto this. He knows where you live and you’ve admitted to thinking he may be psychopathic. He wouldn’t hesitate to harm you if this is the case and he’s already proven he doesn’t mind hurting women. I’d tread incredibly carefully. Perhaps contact the police for advice. You should also think about installing cameras at your property if you don’t already have them.

I had a similar situation to your DIL. My parents in law were fantastic and really helped me in protecting my kids from their Dad. It made a huge difference. And he did some awful things to them for revenge including accusing them of sexual abuse.

With his history he’ll probably be back inside before Christmas…

“enabling parental isolation”

Mate....

... when you violently attacked your girlfriend you voluntarily isolated yourself from your child by getting locked up. Don't go blaming others for your own choices and actions.

You need to look up coercive control to protect both you and your dil.

Honestly with this in mind you would be better going nc to stop yourself questioning everything.

He is liable to engage in various coercive control tactics when he gets out. Having a plan and recording any behaviour that's unacceptable should be on your radar

While I agree that the OP should take advice on how best to protect herself from her son once he’s put, I don’t think anyone on here should be pressuring her to entirely cut contact with her son to ‘prove her credentials’ as a grandmother. She’s behaving admirably. She’s done nothing wrong.

I absolutely love the way you have handled this!
Your ex daughter in law must really love you. My ex’s mum enabled his behaviour and it was always my fault. I just wanted u to know I admire that xxx