For not wanting to get involved with son’s access to his child?

[PaperShaving]

Son is currently in prison following violent attack on his girlfriend. This is the 2nd time he’s been in prison for the same offence against the same person. All in all he’s spent the past 4 years in and out of prison. He has a child who is 4. Luckily I have a great relationship with my grandchild and the child’s mum and I am heavily involved with them.

Now, mum is in new relationship (thank god) and after last attack has decided she doesn’t want DS involved with child. He barely knows the child anyway considering he’s spent most of child’s life in prison.

However - he seems to think it’s my job to help him gain access to child. I’ve told him I can’t and that he will need to go through the courts if that’s what he wants. Now he’s asking if I can pass on Christmas presents to child from him. I’ve spoken to mum who has said no. So I’ve said no. Now I’m all the bastards under the sun for not helping my son and “trying to keep child from him” and “enabling parental isolation” etc etc

Im not unreasonable here am I? I swear I’m very close to cutting him off. He shows no remorse for what he’s done, everything is everyone else’s fault and when he can’t get what he wants he turns abusive.

He’s due for release in 3 weeks.

Are there any organizations you can contact on how to keep yourself safe OP? I agree with getting cameras and an alarm system. I would also be considering any contact with your GC should be in a safe location in case your son follows you to the child's home. I would be fearful that your son would try harming the mother again. Please be safe. I think you're a fantastic grandparent for putting this vulnerable child first.

YANBU at all, OP! Also, you and your DGC's mum are right not to accept gifts from your DSA as they could be malicious intent there (think toys with cameras in that your DS can use to spy on them).

I think you should do whatever you can to keep him away from your grandchild and also protect yourself if he's behaving in a threatening manner towards you, I would inform the police and/or prison authorities. From one mum to another, you have my sympathy - this is an awful position for any mother to find herself in but it is NOT your fault or responsibility. Look after yourself lovely 💐

I agree with this. You sound lovely.

Prioritise your relationship with your GC and child’s mother. It’s great that you’re involved in his life.

i’d be telling my son that I love him, but don’t like his behaviour and think that right now you agree that he shouldn’t have access to his child. If he cuts you out of his life, so be it. I wouldn’t want him anywhere near my GC.

Well my grandchildren mean the world to me so in your shoes I would protect my relationship with GC and mother. Your son is an adult who is reaping the consequences of his actions. Don't let yourself be manipulated by him. Good luck x

I've got an older friend just like you. The ex and the mum are absolutely tough as old boots and really stuck together to ensure the wee granddaughter was never affected by the dad. He was in and of prison for years, never once seen him with his dd solo yet see the gran with her a lot.

There is not a chance in hell my friend would facilitate contact. He can get clean, and stop being an abusing cunt for a good long time(years) before that's even a question.

Thank you for all your lovely words, I thought I’d be torn to shreds so it was a nice surprise 🥰

My son is very manipulative - hence why she ended up taking him back after the first prison sentence. He uses the same tactics on me which is why I constantly question myself and my own behaviour. I’m gaslighted more by my own son than I’ve ever been by another man. It’s taken some time to realise that I don’t have to put up with it - I can, in theory end this relationship just like any other relationship. It’s just a hell of a lot harder when it involves fighting all your instincts as a mother. But - my grandmother instincts are stronger and if I have to choose, I absolutely will.

Just to add, my other children have gone NC with him now.

I love you for this -you sound like an amazing grandmother and ex MIL. I wish you all the best in the world.

He's been convicted multiple times for violence against the child's mum. He barely knows his child and has little relationship. There is no way anyone should try to broker access except the courts.

You are right not to betray your DIL's trust. I'd let him call you whatever he likes. His words are irrelevant.

I do feel like I’ve gained a daughter, it’s funny because if I know she’s gone out I make her text me when she gets in so I can sleep knowing she’s home - she said I nag more than her actual mother 😂 I’m sure she appreciates it really though 😂

Does she have an injection order on him? I worry for her safety - Jealous ex scenario played out a million times! If he contacts her make sure she takes safety precautions please!!

Yes there is a restraining order and she has panic alarms in her home etc. I’ve told her any contact at all and she calls the police immediately. And if she can’t, she texts me and I’ll do it

Has he ever been physically violent towards you OP?

When he gets released be careful about not letting him visit your home when grand child is there, especially as you say hes manipulative xx

I would suggest you follow their example..

@PaperShaving is your home secure with cameras etc as he is very likely to turn up at yours.

No but he’s been violent towards my other son and my husband

All power to you for having such a profound and unerring sense of right and wrong, and having the objectivity and kindness to support your GC and his mother. It cannot have been easy. NC with your son seems to be the only way forward.

More children in the UK need supportive and safe family members like you.
I hope you continue to have this lovely relationship.

There's something very wrong with your DS Op, hard as it is maybe it's time to cut him off.

You're doing the right thing OP. It must be really hard to know that this is how your son chooses to live his life. But you also get to choose here. You don't have to do what he wants.

You are going an amazing job under difficult circumstances. Keep on doing what you are doing now. Best of luck 🫡

Nope. YANBU.

You put a boundary in place. He doesn't like it and he's trying to break it by emotionally blackmailing you. Standard stuff with people who don't like not to be in control.

As you rightly told him, he can seek legal advice if he wants to see his child. Stick to your boundaries. Let him do his own dirty work.

‘I love you but I don’t like how you behave, and I will always prioritise an innocent child, it’s up to you to turn your life around if you want to be a good dad.’ Repeat.