Fiancé asking for a prenup

[Aquea]

Fiancé and I have had a relatively short relationship. We’ve only been together for two years. I basically had to make it very clear that I would not be having children without being married. Just for legal protection. Got a bit of push back on that in the early days but I did say that marriage was a non negotiable for me and if that wasn’t for fiance then he and I should part ways.

Anyway, now we are engaged. Fiancé has asked I sign a prenup. Fiancé has his own successful business. We’re not talking a champagne lifestyle but he is comfortable enough and owns several assets. His business is fairly large - employs 35 people. But the margins are small and the overheads are massive.

I don’t have an issue in some regards as I’m certainly not marrying for the sake of money alone. I plan to carry on working FT.

But the actual concept is extremely cynical and unromantic. It’s really made me feel shit. Like I can’t be trusted. I’m kind of sick of indirectly having to convince fiancé that I am good person to marry.

We plan to have children.

it just feels like it’s one thing after another. Ie having to explain my reasoning for wanting to get married and now a prenup. The path to being engaged just seems already so negotiated.

Op there are men out there that would love to marry you, will happily commit properly and will cherish you until you are old and grey and be a wonderful father to your children. They do exist. I wonder why you are choosing this route? Almost depriving yourself of real love and security?

I would end this relationship/transaction.

Go into counselling and discover why you have put up with this for two years. He is not a good man, he isunlikely to ever do the right thing by you or his future children. You know this. Have your happy ending, it won’t be with him though.

Again another poster, who is here to feel validated for her choices rather than focusing on OP.

Perhaps now but I don't think it was that uncommon then (90s) if you were fairly well off, I had friends where the Dad behaved similarly.

You clearly don't like the idea of a business man protecting both his own pre-existing assets and also possibly the livelihoods of 35 employees, despite laying down demands of your own.

I think he's being extremely sensible and not at all unreasonable. I note that a family solicitor up-thread thought the same.

Here's an idea... Instead of burdening yourself with all this emotional turmoil and histrionics, why don't you find yourself some bloke who's as poor as you. That instantly removes the problem for you.

How old are you Op? Are you desperate to be married because clock is ticking? Why have you agreed to do something which is making you sick to the stomach?

I don't think the prenup is the issue. You both want children, but you don't want to do it without being married and he is reluctant to get married, but still wants children without a commitment.

Personally, I don't understand why he would want children without a firm commitment. Does he want to option to walk away if family life is not as dreamy as he hopes it will be?

A prenup is fine, but I would not trust a man with his attitude around children and a lack of commitment. I don't think he is either father material or husband material.

If you really want children, find a man with better morals.

Why are you so triggered to suggest op find a person as poor as herself? Are you from a union?

Well you'd be a fool to try walking away with half his business. His accountant will advise him to get into debt and produce a minus balance sheet.

What you would need is maintenance from him. Is he trying to dodge this?

he is literally doing the same as you though? Getting married gives you some protection in terms of provision for your children if you divorce and that is right.

Having a prenup gives him (and his employees) protection from you taking half of it if you divorce. And that is right too.

Get an independent lawyer, make sure the prenup is fair and then sign or throw him back.

If he is insisting on this then you need to work it in your favour so you and your future children are financially protected above and beyond what a court might award in the event of divorce. You can also insist on a stipend or shared finances during maternity leave / time as a fulltime mother.

I agree and if you are young/ish, where's the fun in the relationship, the spontaneity must be non existent if he's this transactional, the clichés, adoration, romantic gestures, slightly obsessive shimmer with life at that stage, if they don't, to me, it wouldn't be worth it!

Maybe it has become old and boring because you keep ignoring that pre-nups are meant to offer protection to both parties, hence OP getting her own lawyer to draft it for her.

You repeatedly assuming pre-nup means woman walks away with nothing despite babies is just not the case.

Due to some very unfortunate events I inherited a house and assets equaling around half a mill in my mid twenties. Whilst not a champagne lifestyle I don’t have to worry about a mortgage each month.

My ex wanted us to get married but refused the idea of a prenup due to him thinking it was unromantic/if I was planning a divorce to not to bother etc. My argument that was I putting a half a million pound deposit down and I’d hate the idea of my childhood home being used against me. I dodged a bullet with him, maybe I knew deep down he wasn’t ‘the one’ or he knew that I’d eventually have enough of his bullshit. When I did dump him he cried leaving the house that he was a man in his thirties having to move back to his childhood bedroom without a pot to piss in… he never paid me rent/board, I said to him for him living here rent free he could save to get his own house to rent out. Oh boy did I see his true colours and know I dodged a bullet.

My husband is completely different breed of man. Insisted on a prenup as he didn’t want anyone thinking he was marrying me for my money/wanted to marry me for me. He kept chasing me to sort it out but with the busyness of organising the wedding I didn’t bother. He’s a good man, I know he wouldn’t touch the house, he’d just want his Lego back. He also still owns his house (mortgaged) which we’re renting out/rent is paying off the mortgage.

To be fair, if you are young sounds more interesting than someone thinking about an Excel spreadsheet or investment portfolio (depending on the level of wealth we are talking about) when making love/sex to you.

I hate when people think a prenuptial agreement is a bad thing. It should protect you as much as it protects your partner.

My husband and I got married and bought a house together. Because I was furloughed, I couldn’t qualify for a mortgage, so it was all in his name. We also made a very significant down payment. I asked him if he wanted me to sign anything—I said, “It was all your savings, and you’re the one paying the mortgage (we combine everything, but your income is much much higher). If you don’t want me to end up with half of everything, I’m happy to sign.” He told me not to, and I would have been fine either way.

I am happy to have a prenup, but I would not want to have completely separate everything. These are the things that need to be discussed: He built a business—it’s his. I’d be happy to sign a document saying I don’t get anything from the business, but there are other considerations. How much salary will he pay himself? Would we combine that with our shared budget, or keep it separate?
If the business continues to be successful, will the children inherit it? What if he passes away before the children reach legal age—who would run it?

Have a conversation, get a prenup, review it with a lawyer, and sign it if you think it’s reasonable.

From a logical point of view, it sounds really sensible of him and it’s good to be building a life with someone who is practical and has their head screwed on to all eventualities. To be honest, you sound very similar. You wanting to get married for legal protection, to me is exactly the same as him wanting a prenup to legally protect his business. It’s not just his business, but also the livelihood of his 35 employees he’s thinking about.
Just make sure the prenup benefits you, you’re not allowed anything he built up pre you, but everything since you the prenup would give you access to. Make sure the prenup takes into account the hit to your pension etc when having children and your loss of earnings.

I don’t really think this is the core issue though. I feel for you. I feel you wanted a romantic journey and love story from the start and it’s just not played out that way for the both of you.

I'd never sign a pre-nup.

Either he's all in, or he's not.

Indeed. Another day of Mansnet!

Why did the men get married then?

Nonsense really. Without the detail of his proposed pre-nup, we have no idea if he's seeking to protect just himself, or make fair provision for OP and any children in the event that they divorce. We can probably guess though, as he didn't want to marry and wanted OP to bear all the risk alone.

Yes but that's probably a male pride thing.

He doesn't seem keen.

I'd also be finding out a bit more about his business. Have you looked at his annual accounts? You don't want to be potentially making yourself responsible for a failing business with debts.

How old are you OP and how many fertile years do you have left? Is it overly influencing you to "settle down"?

Given you have been together for a short time, and had shown fundamentally different views on some big issues, I think that some joint counselling would really benefit you to explore how you see your respective roles in a marriage and parenthood. Better now than in five years' time when you are fighting him for child maintenance in the divorce courts (he's self-employed so can represent his income as anything he likes for the purposes of CM).

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but marriage and children are life-altering decisions and you should treat it as such.

He's thinking about his financial position in event of divorce. Sensible.
You should think about your financial position in the event that you both decided your child / children needed you to be sahm. I know it's not what youre planning, but you'd be wise to find out if he would be sharing his income with you in that situation. These things need discussing. You getting your own solicitor for prenuptial is great idea. What if his business grows loads after you are married? What if that was only possible because you took care of the kids?