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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Do you give her Dc a present for an outstanding school report

107 replies

Heseemslovelybutheisextremelyshort · 18/11/2025 23:40

Or do you just say Well done?

OP posts:
Bertielong3 · 19/11/2025 06:04

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SiobahnRoy · 19/11/2025 06:06

I hate the idea of payment for results for kids so no.

littlebilliie · 19/11/2025 06:09

These results belong to her not you so by giving her a gift you are changing the value. We never did this, what happens next year if it’s poor , not give her anything and pile on the failure

Catlady02 · 19/11/2025 14:20

We’d congratulate them but never gave gifts. The only time we did was when they graduated and we took them to Australia.

Greggsit · 19/11/2025 14:22

A treat from the local shop, maybe crisps and a drink!. Nothing expensive.

UniversalTruth · 19/11/2025 14:28

HoppityBun · 19/11/2025 00:06

Absolutely not. All the research shows that children - well, people generally- who are incentivised by extrinsic motivators do less well in the long run, are unwilling to take risks because they focus only on doing what gets the reward and they lose interest in the subject matter. They are also less able to cope when they don’t do well.

Focus on the enjoyment of learning and your interest in them as people in their own right. You could ask “did you enjoy the work?”

Until I had children I would have 100% agreed with you @HoppityBun

But we parent the children we are gifted, and one of mine is an ADHDer. I consider it one of my roles as a parent to help him navigate a school system that is systemically weighted against him. He's not there yet, but if we end up paying for eg. effort in revising for GCSEs then it will be money well spent.

https://www.additudemag.com/motivating-adhd-kids-rewards-consequences/

Edited to add: I haven't seen the research you reference but it is more than likely that those who "succeed" were already intrinsically motivated. It's something that can be encouraged in some children, but not all.

SophiaSW1 · 19/11/2025 14:30

I reward efforts not results.

SophiaSW1 · 19/11/2025 14:31

Rewarding good results for smart kids is not good as it usually requires little effort.

Ddakji · 19/11/2025 14:34

In secondary school, yes, we have. She lost a lot of confidence in her first few years.

Ted27 · 19/11/2025 14:35

I used to take my son out for a pub dinner after parents evening.
Saved me the hassle of cooking/washing up and we got to spend some time together having a good chat instead of usual evening routine.
My son had a lot of difficulties to overcome, he always worked hard, tried his best with everything and deserved a small treat.

Tillow4ever · 19/11/2025 14:52

Generally no - not any sort of gift. However, when my youngest son last year had the absolute best parents evening I had ever been to out of our 3 children (and all 3 were very academic) I told him how proud I was to hear of how kind and thoughtful he had been (so focus on the behaviour rather than his results) and asked if he would like to choose our dinner that evening as a “reward”.

TheaBrandt1 · 19/11/2025 14:54

No but we might go out for a meal as a family to celebrate and say well done.

HeddaGarbled · 19/11/2025 14:59

Yes.

I reward myself if I’ve achieved something as well.

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 19/11/2025 15:03

No. The reward for a great report is basking in the glow of having received positive feedback. The reward for good grades is the sense of pride in your achievements.

Swiftie1878 · 19/11/2025 15:08

Yes. Always.

Icebabyice · 19/11/2025 15:12

God no! Having a good report is reward in itself. They do well for themselves not for us. We talk about how the report makes them feel not how we feel.

neveragainforreal · 19/11/2025 15:18

We sometimes give a present at the end of the year for good effort (never the results, it is the effort). It is never promised beforehand, and we decide if and what to give. It is not happening in relation to any grades, as we want to celebrate the effort.

I don't want the effort put in to be dependent on any gifts. And a lesser grade in a subject they struggle with, in many cases means more to me as a parent, than the highest grade in a subject they sail through with little effort.

RightOnTheEdge · 19/11/2025 15:19

No, I just say well done, I'm really proud of you, I hope you're proud of yourself etc.
I've never given money.
Mine are yrs 8 and 10.

LBFseBrom · 19/11/2025 20:29

neveragainforreal · 19/11/2025 15:18

We sometimes give a present at the end of the year for good effort (never the results, it is the effort). It is never promised beforehand, and we decide if and what to give. It is not happening in relation to any grades, as we want to celebrate the effort.

I don't want the effort put in to be dependent on any gifts. And a lesser grade in a subject they struggle with, in many cases means more to me as a parent, than the highest grade in a subject they sail through with little effort.

That sounds about right, reward for effort.

I think a gift for passing a big exam is in order. I remember getting a record player for passing my 11+ (after that it was downhill all the way :-) ).

Ketzele · 19/11/2025 21:05

No, never. And I'm glad I didn't because dd1 sailed through effortlessly and went off to uni, while dd2 struggled terribly and is set to get no GCSEs. It would have really rubbed salt in the wound.

TowerRavenSeven · 19/11/2025 21:07

No. Doing well was the reward.

Ozmumofboys3 · 20/11/2025 01:09

Yes we give a reward for excellent results, not if they achieve it all the time but if they’ve made an extra improvement in a subject we do.

EddyNeddy · 20/11/2025 01:15

No. Our daughters have both left school now, but one was a straight A* student who got glowing reports every time, while the other found school harder and got more mixed reports. It definitely would not have helped sisterly relations in our household if we rewarded DD1 with a gift every time and not DD2, who already had a pretty significant inferiority complex despite our best efforts.

elliejjtiny · 20/11/2025 01:27

Mine get a hug and a "well done, proud of you".

JustMe2026 · 20/11/2025 03:12

We've always taken them to a fav restaurant and had a nice family meal also regardless of grades aslong as they worked hard etc as 2 of our tribe are autistic so quite often don't do super well while the rest do reallt well..to us it's the effort they all put in

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