What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Giving people names in poets really gives me the ick!

When you take someone with children of course you expect to help look after them. The children have now heard them arguing about them and will realise that Sarah doesn't want them. Well done Sarah.

We all know this! Doesn't negate that people have to work.
He left the kids with his wife, not taking then with her was spiteful to the kids.

She can address the issue of not looking afyer them between the two of them as adults not have the kids caught in between.

Fathers and mothers do leave kids with other people when need be, be it nannies, grandparents or step-parents, it's not a new thing.

7 and 9yo DC
John and Sarah together for 5 years
So John broke up his family while his youngest child was only 2?

Parents leave kids with other people that agree to have them.

Sarah has told him that’s she’s not going to be his childcare. If John has to work then he needs to either organize childcare, or take his children to work with him.

He’s their father. If he doesn’t want his children to feel caught in the middle then he’s the one that needs to stop putting them there.

out of curiosity - in your view, is there ever a situation where a step parent can be in the wrong with regard to how they treat a step child?

I don’t think it is reasonable. But then again I am often astounded at the way step children are treated according to Mumsnet. In my opinion step children should be included in the family unit whenever they are present, be it for 1 day a fortnight or full time. If I were the woman in this case I would consider I had three children in my care on that particular day and would never dream of going off on a day out without them. I also think it unreasonable for the children to be expected to stay at their dad’s work at any time. He should be concentrating on working not doing childcare on the side when he is at work. The contempt some people have for employers is another of my bugbears.
I’m sure many Mumsnet posters will tell me I’m wrong but that is my opinion and i think there would be more happy families if more people agreed with me.

Of course it's his responsibility, which is said in my previous posts.

Doesn't excuse Sarah leaving the kids behind.
Like I said, deal with it like an adult and leave the innocent kids out of proving a point.

So your never allowed to have a different out with just your own child? I plan days out without one or the other of my children and they're both my children.

I got a lot of stick for this opinion. I go on holiday and leave one of my kids at home. And then book another activity and leave the other one. I have a 13 year old and a 3 year old and there's no activity they'd be interested on doing together. I'm not about to drag my 13 year around the kids farm park while he complains about the WiFi. Amd my 3 year old doesn't meet the height requirements for the big rides at a theme park.

Say something, that was hurtful and mean. 7&9 are still babies and of course this made them feel bad. If that's the way they are going to behave towards to little children then they should own what kind of people they are. And I don't blame the stepmother (although there must be serious resentment there for her to do that to a 7&9 year old). He needs to commit to parenting or excuse himself as their father like so many of these feckless useless men do (why on earth has he has had more children, what's wrong with him).

Yes you are probably right. Dad probably just swanned off to work . But I still dont understand why they couldn't have just gone to the aquarium too, unless no space in car or they didn't want to go 🤔

Because the OP had plans with her sister and niece and didn't want to drag along two extra kids who had been dumped on her? Seems reasonable to me.

She did. She dropped them off with their parent and carried on with her plans for the day.

He is the parent, she is not. She did not agree to the unpaid childcare, and it was not the first time or an emergency.

So he has to look after his own children, and that's that.

Right. This is the basic story, with all the fluff removed. Stepmother blamed for not allowing childen's father to do the wrong thing, repeatedly. Stepmother blamed for not being a doormat, behaving like an adult, making sure his children were with their father, and getting on with her plans.

I think she said if you want to go out with just your own child do it when step children with their other parent.

And of course, stepmother cannot possibly be the unpaid carer for someone else's children and cancel her plans on the weekends because their father won't do the right thing.

That would be unbelievably unkind to her own child, who IS her responsibility.

The father has repeatedly failed to parent his own children and thought he could continue to get away with that. Stepmother fairly took the children to their father as she was no longer prepared to be his doormat.

If she'd left them home alone, the outrage would be fair. But she didn't. So it's not.

Yes, seems pretty clear to me.

I mean, I do this with my own kids - split them up. I really dislike taking the little one bowling or to mini golf or similar activities, as she's an absolute liability, so she gets left with her dad. Equally, there are some activities I prefer to do just with her. If their dad fucked off to work when he was meant to be having one or other child, I wouldn't be tolerating it. I could take both, but quite often I prefer not to. And they're both my kids.

Right, when mine were young, we mostly went out as a group, but yes absolutely sometimes when one was too young, or it just wasn't something I wanted to take one of them to for some reason, I'd take only one. And when you factor in the dad being unreasonable and dropping the ball in parenting, I am definitely team stepmother.

It's a shame if dad's choices are making his kids unhappy, so he should address that.

This!

The children were supposed to be with their parents. Their father. The stepmother is allowed to spend time with her sister amd their own biological children. On their own. She didn't adopt them. They aren't her responsibility. Nor does her life have to always revolve around them. It's unfair for anyone to expect Sarah to sacrifice her own time with her only biological child and with her sister to accommodate the other children ALL THE TIME. The OP gets to spend time with just her kids why shouldn't Sarah?

So, their father doesn't want them, their mother doesn't want them, but no, they're gunna care if Sarah doesn't want them.
Such trauma.

Oh give over,
It's up to the parents to ensure their children's emotional needs are met.
They can choose to stay home that day, take the kids out and reframe this as this is the older children's day out only.

The step mother cannot possibly love your kids the way she loves hers.
The dad is the issue here, this is his time, he can choose to take the kids out rather than relying on free childcare, yet again.
Imagine, he's not looking after his own kids but she's being blamed for it?
That's weird.