What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

His children. Not hers.

No matter the rights or wrongs of either parent, the other two children should not feel excluded or marginalised. They feelings come first.

So when Sarah dropped them off, John should have cancelled work and taken them out for the day. If he didn’t, OP should have contacted John when the children came home, asking to change the contact schedule.

Or are we only expecting the stepmum to guard the children’s feelings, not their actual parents?

That’s a really nasty thing for the step mum to do - honestly, if you have a blended family, you have to treat them fairly. Saying that I wouldn’t want my young children looked after by a horrible person who didn’t want to involve my children anyway, if it was my son at that age he was a flight risk and I wouldn’t trust her to care properly if she doesn’t give a hoot

Maybe the issue was they wouldn’t all fit in the car

Maybe the issue was that they wouldn’t all fit in the car

Step mum's always have to self sacrifice eh?
The only thing I would've tried to do differently is to go on the days that the step children were at mum's.
But I'm sorry but a child age 3 is nothing like children of 7 and 9.
When I take my nearly 3 year old out, we spend the whole time in the under 5 section of soft play etc
Looking after 2 different age groups would be difficult.
And why should a mum of 1 look after 3 kids alone, 3 kids are hard to look after? At the very least dad should be doing 97% of parenting of his own children!

But yeah, step mums, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Apparently step mum's have to share all the pain and none of the rewards, another post a few days ago where a step parent was complaining about not being invited to her step daughter's 18th, what did people say? Shes not your child. 😂 🤣
So there you are OP, they're not her kids!

I don't give a shit if people think I'm a meanie though 🤷

I had wanted to take DD aged 3 to the aquarium and thought I'd ask DSis if she and DN would like to come too. DSis works so hard during the week, and she could do with a break and we wanted a catch up.

She agreed, but her DH had decided to work that day, leaving her (yet again) to look after her stepkids who are 7 and 9.

The stepkids are nice enough, but them coming along would have changed the outing. We couldn't have all fitted in one car for a start, and the older DC would have needed tickets.
I had particularly wanted to discuss some personal family stuff with DSis, and we could have done so in front of the DC, but the stepkids are older so we couldn't with them there. They tend to carry tales back home to their mother.

I always thought DSis was great, my dear sister and best mate, but she took the stepkids and left them with their father, and only brought DN to the aquarium. The cold, heartlless bitch.

I was tempted to push her into the aquarium, but that would have left DN with only a father, and he has no time for actual parenting, so DN would have been dumped on the nearest female, probably his mum, me or his XW.

I believe there is no love between john and sarah. It cost sarah nothing to take all the children with her. John, where did you go wrong? Trace your step back and talk things out with sarah. I am sure she's hurt somewhere....

Loving the insane fantasising about Sarah and all the vile names she's been called. What a cesspit!

If he doesn't work he doesn't get paid, self employed or not!

I am self-employed, weekends and holidays have a higher rate.
I can choose not to work at those times but my clients won't pay me for sitting at home = no pay.

Being self employed doesn't mean letting clients down.

We still don't know what he actually does as OP still not back.

Ridiculous! You find another way, take 2 cars, meet them there and get your own way there by public transport - don’t just cut off two children who should be treated the same way as the husbands 3rd child. If the step mum doesn’t like it then she should have stepped away before getting together with a man who has children already, not just knock them down the ladder of inclusivity

I didn't say he was providing for her- nobody knows as it's not in the OP. This conversation started because a pp said that would be relevant context to know, at which point you said it was irrelevant either way. Of course it's not.

Being self employed doesn't mean letting clients down. Being a father doesn't mean leaving the kids with their stepmother during time they're meant to be with him.

The stepmother is probably tired of putting them first, nor is it her responsibility to do if their own parents don't.

The welfare of two young children should always come to first m if she yes issues with her husband she should adrtees them not take it out on the children. It was cruel and unnecessary

The women here who are blaming Sarah definitely put up with endless shit from the own men in their lives. You’re part of the problem, ladies! Raise your own standards.

Omg this breaks my heart. I would have given anything to get my SKs to accept me.

Some of these women will be an ex wife who dumped a useless man because she realises her own self worth.
But she will then expect his partner to go along with it all because it suits her. It’s a comforting thought knowing there’s a woman slaving about papering over the cracks because you know your ex is still the prick he was when he was with you. Whatever protects your mummy heart. 🙄

This
You take all the kids, surely?! Nasty to leave some out. If you've "got the kids for the weekend" then you've got the kids for the weekend. You all go together and you say so to your sister that "they'll be coming as well, hope that's ok?" If it's not, then you arrange another time with her.

And again, I disagree. Regardless of whether they need to money or not, as a parent he’s not at liberty to work without sorting out his own childcare. If she agrees to provide it then fine, but she is well within her rights to refuse to do so. His children are not her responsibility.

Lol. The father’s rights and wrongs are irrelevant, so it’s on the stepmother to suck it up and play doormat ‘for the kids’? That’s convenient.

Honestly he wasn't abusive, but definitely a bit selfish, god like!!!, but he did use her kindness for sure, until she was over it and him.

He was in emergency medicine and was getting called in.
She had obliged him while childless, dropping here and there at the weekends, but after having her own child, up at night, tired, trying to juggle naps, she was suddenly done.

She packed up and went home to her mum and dad nearby, for spoiling, and stayed a full month.
She wasn't returning until he had childcare sorted.
She only realised how shattered she was, and how much easier her baby actually was when she stopped running around after him and his kids.

She flipping loved staying with her parents and I remember she didn't want to go back to all the juggling.
He wasn't long paying for a cleaner to come in and sort the house and he had to substantially up his childcare to collect his children and cover his weekend etc.
She insisted that he was there for all his weekends going forward as she was no longer driving his children here there and everywhere, messing with her own babys routine.

Things were rocky for a while but he could see she meant business.
She has a great relationship with her steps to this day. They got more of their father because of her, because she wouldn't allow him to be a bare minimum dad because of his career.

He's semi retired now and a devoted grandfather.

Women will get as much shit as they are prepared to take.
Interestingly he was encouraging her to give up work if she wanted which I told her was self serving at the time.
She remained in her teaching job and critically never allowed herself to become his summer childcare.
Women with boundaries can navigate these relationships successfully.

Step fathers do not caught for this type of thing IMO.

Yeh that's fine we can agree to disagree.
In my view these things work both ways- if he is supporting her, then she also should expect to provide support ., that includes acknowledging that if he's working to provide for her and their shared child, that has implications for his existing children, who deserve not to be regarded as expendable. They are a family.

It doesn’t seem that she did ask him to work at the weekend for her and their child. He knew that Sarah was unwilling to provide childcare, yet he decided to dump them on her anyway. That isn’t supporting her or treating her as an equal partner, but highlighting his complete lack of respect for her. Fortunately, Sarah has a spine and didn’t allow him to do that.

I have no doubt that she does support and facilitate him, but quite reasonably draws the line at taking on a responsibility that is solely his. They may be family, but they aren’t her children she’s obliged to accept responsibly for.