What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Sure, if by ‘family’ you mean ‘master and servant’.

Two members of a household can agree responsibilities between themselves, but one party isn’t entitled to demand the other facilitate them by providing childcare.

Actual families, nuclear and blended, work in a multitude of ways, and that doesn’t always mean sharing of everything. John’s existing children didn’t actually become Sarah’s responsibility, whether he likes that fact or not. As their parent he isn’t at liberty to decide to work at the weekend without sourcing childcare. He failed to do that.

Info: why is the older 2 going to the aquarium not an option?

Theres a lot of variables here. Why is John work during his visitation time? Why is Sarah acting like she didnt pick a man with children? Why did Sarah think it was appropriate to accept an invitation excluding her step children presumably after she accepted the responsibility of watching them? Why did John continue to work if he had his children? If noone could be available to actually be with the children was returning them to their mum not an option?

I think both John and Sarah are acting like his kids are an inconvenience

Because they weren’t invited. Sarah wanted to spend time with her sister and her own child without her stepchildren.

It sounds more like she didn’t accept the responsibility of looking after them at all, and has become increasingly pissed off at John trying to force that responsibility onto her. John however decided to ignore that and fucked off anyway, not realizing that Sarah was fully prepared to call his bluff.

John is making them an inconvenience for Sarah.

Yep. Nearly 100% certainty. Mother, who started the thread, blames stepmother instead of father. Father blames stepmother instead of taking responsbility for his own kids. Stepmother stands up for herself, is berated by the usual suspects of wehatemumsnet 😔

It’s not “one event”.

OP said he is always dumping the kids on his wife.

Although it sounds like Sarah has a legitimate grievance with John, she is awful to use the children this way (to make a point) and to make them feel unwanted.

I think how you deal with this depends on the relationship you have with your ex and the extent to which he would listen to you. If you can talk to him, it’s all about how the children are being made to feel and how to protect them from that. If their step-mum is unkind, surely it’s better for everyone that they stay with you when he works and he has them when he knows that he can be there.

From the arguing it sounds like he already has an issue with how she has handled the situation. I imagine if he’s a decent dad he will be as unhappy as you at how his children are feeling.

Why are you making stuff up?

Is it reasonable for SM to demand her husband works instead of looking after his kids so that he can provide for her?
See I can make up shit that isnt in the OP up too. 💁🏼‍♀️

The point is that if they are a family - sharing finances - one person needs to work, it is a reasonable expectation for the other to share household responsibilities to facilitate that- including housework and childcare.

They're not her children, so your point is moot. Their father can and must stick to agreements and not treat the stepmother as an unpaid servant. As he has repeatedly failed to parent his own children, she did nothing wrong by insisting that he did so.

They are his children , so no the point isn't moot at all , if his work is also providing for her and their shared child. Is she treating him like an "unpaid servant" by expecting him to work?

They are his children, so the point is moot of course. She did not agree to taking on his parental responsibilities on that day and decided to insist that he did the right thing by looking after his own children, which he has regularly neglected to do.

I guess she will continue to do so.

So that's that.

Who says he’s providing for her? For all you know she’s the higher earner, and he’s able to work on building a business because of the financial security she provides.

Not all families share finances, and it’s common for blended families to operate separately in that regard. They share expenses related to joint ventures, but the parent/s retains responsibility for their own child/ren.

You are correct that no one can demand someone else work to provide for them. If that is asked of someone they are entirely free to refuse, just as Sarah was and is free to refuse to provide childcare for her husband.

This is the core issue for so many who marry men with children.
They are fine to help out but the shift when they have their own is huge.
They are never off duty.
They have their own, then his children.
They usually work full-time too.
Utterly relentless and thankless.
Thats why so often they want out.

It certainly was the case for my friend , who told her husband she was done within only 6 months of having her own daughter.

He was working weekends, filling in last minute because they were stuck in work, and she was expected to do the activities and matches with a baby in toe all day.

She downed tools and moved into her parents for a rest, she was wrecked.
They are still together 30 years later because he knew she meant business.
She refused to do anything at all while she was on mat leave and refused to do any drops and collections other than her own child when she returned to work.
He quickly coped himself on because she was quite happy to walk away.
She actually liked her step children but a bit like Sarah found she was expected to do more and more until she cracked and refused to be involved at all.
He and his ex took advantage of her kind nature until the exhaustion of new motherhood herself made her wake up and protect herself.

I’m a step mum to 4 children and we have 1 together. I have my step children a lot alone as my husband is opening a new business and needs to put the time in which will benefit us all. I can NEVER imagine planning a day out on a day that I have my step children and not including them. Sorry but if you marry a man with children then they are part of the package. I have a fantastic relationship with them and can not understand this woman’s thinking. If she wants days with just her child that’s fine but it’s when her step children are with you.

Well done to her for stopping this abuse.

I don't think I could have stayed with a man who'd been so awful to me, especially after she got away from him in the first place. Men always know what they are doing when they are being unreasonable, coercive and unkind, I'd never really have trusted him again or forgiven him for putting me through that.

But to each their own of course.

If their father did the right thing and didn't keep trying to dump his children on their stepmother without her agreement, there would be no issue. It's a father issue, not a stepmother issue.

Do you work full-time M-F and have your stepchildren every weekend? Thought not.

He's self employed!

Excuse me?? How do you know what I do and don’t do? They are here every weekend yes and right now I’m not working due to baby but I have done for years. Makes no excuse of whether you single out step children or not, they have feelings. She’s been in those kids lives since they were tiny and to not take them on a fun day and to leave them sitting bored at their father’s work is unacceptable. If you marry a man with children then they are a package, there’s plenty of men without children who she could have married if it was a problem.

I think she is, and clearly sick of it.

Your ex is an ex for a reason and his new partner is finding this out it seems. Your kids are piggy in the middle of their "power play".

They need to get their act together and unfortunately you're going to have to talk to him about stepping up and start behaving like a father.

@reem123 Exactly, so either this is very new because you’re on maternity leave, or you have an arrangement where your husband’s wage pays for you to be at home, and you do the domestic work in exchange. You have plenty of time with just your child.

If you go back to full-time work and never get time with just your own child, and have a partner you barely see, let’s see how happy you feel about the situation then.

Duplicate post

Why can't she take all the kids? Rather mean if you ask me.

We have no idea whether Sarah does either. People are just making all that up to suit themselves.

That’s the point, we have no idea. If Sarah is a fully financially supported SAHM who looks after SC once a month that’s entirely different to if she’s working full time and solo parents them both days of every weekend.

But rather than considering that, PP are rolling in to virtue signal and insult the woman.