Christmas money for adult grandchildren

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At what age would you say for a grandparent to stop giving Christmas money to adult grandchildren?

Mum has always been particularly generous with cash gifts and gifts in general to her grandchildren - always a generous cash gift plus additional small gifts. There are several ‘kids’ and in cash alone, it costs her over £1k.

She is now very elderly and she has said she would like to stop giving the grandchildren who are at working age the cash gift. There are still a few grandchildren who are still ‘children’ (high school age) and for those she would like to continue to give as usual to them, just to stop with the older working age ones - the older working age are over 20.

I have high school age kids, sister has a mix of working age and high school.

In the last few years, Mum has also told me that sister has given her gift lists for the partners of working age grandchildren and insisted she buys them presents too - I have also supported her that this too needs to stop. She literally doesn’t know these people. Again she has been spending a high amount on these gifts too - they have not been token gifts. I only found out about this recently otherwise I would have stood up for her on this last Christmas.

I am in full support of Mum. This is something she has been thinking of for several years and we have discussed many times. I have no issue of not receiving any gift for my kids once they are working - in fact I have said to stop any cash gifts to my children now but she is insistent that until they 18 that she would like to continue.

We have discussed this with my sister and she is absolutely outraged.

Mums suggestion to her was to just reduce it down this year but next year she would be giving a token gift only - such as a bottle of something.

To add, Mum is in a financial position where giving this cash gift and these additional gifts isn’t an issue for her - but I have supported her fully with her decision as in my opinion, it’s her money to choose to do with as she wishes - and frankly I feel like she’s having the piss taken out of her by my sister. In fact I’ve encouraged Mum to do more with her money and enjoy it whilst she can - go on a cruise! And as she’s quite rightly said, the working age kids are earning enough. To give an example, the working age kids are on several holidays a year, drive brand new cars - they do not ‘need’ this cash gift every year. Sister is also in a good financial position - again does not need the money.

Sister has contacted Mum, she has been absolutely hysterical down the phone at her and insisted she reinstate the cash gifts. Mum has begrudgingly agreed as she doesn’t want an argument, but she is upset.

So WWYD? Mum doesn’t want me to say anything to my sister but I feel like I can’t let this one go. I have also considered gifting Mum a present - spa day perhaps - that financially matches what she would be giving to my kids.

At what age would you say for a grandparent to stop giving Christmas money to adult grandchildren?

whatever age the grandparent damn well wants to stop. Whether 14, 44, 64

Bullying her elderly mum is extremely poor behaviour from your sister. I would normally leave them to it if it was a simple disagreement but it sounds like your mum has been ground down by your sister. If that was my sister I’d step in and speak to her on behalf of your mum.

Guessing you and your sister don’t get on

Actually we do get on and we’ve discussed this recently. I thought she was in agreement with it. I’m in absolute shock to be honest.

she has been absolutely hysterical down the phone at her and insisted she reinstate the cash gifts

Why was she hysterical when they’re all earning well? Gift giving is a personal choice and your sister has bullied your mum into reinstating the gifts, I’d be having strong words if my sister did that to my mum, that’s awful behaviour.

Sorry just to add - when we first discussed it with sister she had agreed to it. I didn’t expect that she would contact Mum separately about it and be so outraged.

You get on well with someone who can behave like this?!

Sister has contacted Mum, she has been absolutely hysterical down the phone at her and insisted she reinstate the cash gifts.

Just stop doing it. Dh’s grandparents sent £20 to all the grandchildren until they died (one set still living and in their 90s, Dh got £20 in a card from them last year, he’s 38). I think it made them happy to do it as not many great grandchildren around (they get gift cards or cash usually). It’s a sweet nostalgic gesture, but no one should be offended and kick off if it stopped.

I think it’s still nice to acknowledge everyone, but she needs to simplify. If by cash gifts, she is sending everyone £100, then I’d scale it back to a more sensible amount. I wouldn’t get a bottle because (a) not everyone drinks so it’s a bit of a rubbish gift if one of them is pregnant or unwell, and (b) it’s a bit impersonal like what you’d give your bin men. But I’d scale it all right down. No more wish lists, £20 in a card and done, or do something wacky and fun for everyone.

Your mother.., you trust that she’s not one for being a touch dramatic and prone to…. Exaggerating?

MIL did token presents from 23. Only because the year she decided DS1 and DN1 were 22. So they got one last year and then from then on everyone stopped/will stop at 23.

She actually decided to do it this way as she wants the children to only buy her a token gift. She didn't like that DS and DN were just starting out in their own homes and were spending money on more than a token present for her.

Years ago it seemed to be an age 18 or 21 cut off in most families for extended family. Maybe it’s time for them to be spoiling Grandma.
The emotional blackmail is unacceptable.
If a Grandparent or auntie/uncle still wants to buy for adults a token a tin of biscuits or chocolates would suffice for a couple.

This sounds crazy. We have one grandparent who gives about £50 to each of his 6 GCs. Varying from 6 to 23 (no one working in a ft job yet as the older ones are students). The other grandparent delegates all present buying/giving to a child (this year me) and those who’d prefer cash or a contribution will be getting £40. Kids here are 18-26 with only the oldest working but not a high earner. The crucial thing is that the grandparent decides what they want to give. There has been no gifting to boy/girl friends. The GPs don’t know them!

Your sister has lost the plot! I’d tell her calmly that she’s upsetting your mum and it needs to stop.

One granny continued it until the year she died
the other granny would send a Christmas card with love and best wishes

both equally loved and cherished by their grandchildren as bloomin lovely grannies!

There is no rule. No stake in the ground. It is whatever works for the giver. The end.

I presume those working kids are also buying grandma a nice token gift at Christmas?….

Personally I would say 21 is a perfect cut off age.

Wouldn’t your sister’s children (and especially their partners) feel awful if they knew how their mum was behaving? The gift list thing is awful. Could your mum do one meal or afternoon tea for all adult children and their partners (and her) this year, then stop? Maybe not logistically possible but you get the idea.
I have a sister who guilts my parents into things - she’s really bossy and everyone is scared of her, but on the surface she’s the life and soul, making me the meany overthinker 😂

Christmas and birthday presents stopped from my wider family when I turned 18, made sense as there were absolutely loads of us! 15 grandkids and 7 great grandkids! I’d give anything to have another Christmas at my grandparents house though we never cared about the presents

Your sister sounds grabby, I only had one living grandparent by my early 20s, she stopped giving me money after I finished university. Fair enough, I earn more than her pension allowance. She's still alive now, and gives a small gift to my child.

Whenever the grandparent wants really. My lovely nana used to give me £25 for my birthday and Christmas every year until she died when I was 27. Bless her, she was on a basic pension and all the grandkids were of working age but she still wanted to give us something. We just used to wait until she wasn't looking and put it back in her purse.

I literally can't get my head around the idea of a grown woman with plenty of money being upset about her elderly mum not giving her adult children a few quid for Christmas.

This quite clearly abuse and you need to step in to protect your mother. Bullying anyone is not on. Who she gives gifts to is up to her. I still give gifts to my adult grandchildren but I still wish to. Should I be in your mum's position in the future I would expect my children to step up. I would also be contacting a solicitor to amend my will.

Your sister agreed wtf?! How dare she think she has any say on the matter. Your mother's wishes should be respected. What a cheeky money grabbing cow!

I don't see why a Grandchild being working age is relevant. Surely you give a gift because you want to not based on how much money the recipient has. Your Mother obviously does not want to give anymore (even though she has the money) which is fair enough so she stops. No big deal, your Sister is acting in a very strange way by emotionally manipulating her. I would always want to treat my DC / Grandkids though if I had the money no matter their age or earnings.

Perhaps the GC could step in and let DG know that she doesn't need to buy them a gift.

If they don't have that relationship with her, then she definitely shouldn't still be buying gifts for them.

IMO cash gifts can easily spiral because people feel they need to give more than they would if they were buying an actual present. For example, my MIL spends about £10 on a small Christmas gift for the GC (which is absolutely fine) but the cash equivalent might feel not enough, even though it shouldn’t.

If your DM wants things to be fair and manageable, could you all agree that she stops giving cash to the adult GC and instead gives a small token gift within a set budget for everyone? That way it is clear and consistent and she is not under pressure to hand out large amounts of cash every year.

And the idea of giving a wishlist for partners of the GC is ridiculous. She does not know them and should not feel obliged to buy for them at all. That really does need to stop.

Wild...
hysterical you say?
Do you know what specifically her argument / reasoning is?

If your mother somehow does feel compelled i'd be doing a tenner and "have a drink on me!" in the card.

I don't think there is, or should be, any hard and fast rule about when presents stop. If people want to give money or presents to their loved ones, whatever their age, then no reason why they shouldn't. But absolutely nobody should be made to feel they have to keep giving when they no longer want to.

In our family there are no longer any "children" as they are all grown up, but presents continue to be exchanged. DD is now 30 and elderly FIL is her only surviving GP. He still puts cash in a card for her at Christmas and birthdays but he very much wants to do this, and he can afford to. DD is very appreciative and always buys him something nice for Christmas from her.

On my side I have several DNs who are also in their 30s. I buy for them all and my siblings buy something for DD. Maybe some will think that strange but I am OK with that. If anyone in the family suggested we stopped buying for adult DC I would go along with it, but while they are still happy to do it so am I.