Christmas money for adult grandchildren

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At what age would you say for a grandparent to stop giving Christmas money to adult grandchildren?

Mum has always been particularly generous with cash gifts and gifts in general to her grandchildren - always a generous cash gift plus additional small gifts. There are several ‘kids’ and in cash alone, it costs her over £1k.

She is now very elderly and she has said she would like to stop giving the grandchildren who are at working age the cash gift. There are still a few grandchildren who are still ‘children’ (high school age) and for those she would like to continue to give as usual to them, just to stop with the older working age ones - the older working age are over 20.

I have high school age kids, sister has a mix of working age and high school.

In the last few years, Mum has also told me that sister has given her gift lists for the partners of working age grandchildren and insisted she buys them presents too - I have also supported her that this too needs to stop. She literally doesn’t know these people. Again she has been spending a high amount on these gifts too - they have not been token gifts. I only found out about this recently otherwise I would have stood up for her on this last Christmas.

I am in full support of Mum. This is something she has been thinking of for several years and we have discussed many times. I have no issue of not receiving any gift for my kids once they are working - in fact I have said to stop any cash gifts to my children now but she is insistent that until they 18 that she would like to continue.

We have discussed this with my sister and she is absolutely outraged.

Mums suggestion to her was to just reduce it down this year but next year she would be giving a token gift only - such as a bottle of something.

To add, Mum is in a financial position where giving this cash gift and these additional gifts isn’t an issue for her - but I have supported her fully with her decision as in my opinion, it’s her money to choose to do with as she wishes - and frankly I feel like she’s having the piss taken out of her by my sister. In fact I’ve encouraged Mum to do more with her money and enjoy it whilst she can - go on a cruise! And as she’s quite rightly said, the working age kids are earning enough. To give an example, the working age kids are on several holidays a year, drive brand new cars - they do not ‘need’ this cash gift every year. Sister is also in a good financial position - again does not need the money.

Sister has contacted Mum, she has been absolutely hysterical down the phone at her and insisted she reinstate the cash gifts. Mum has begrudgingly agreed as she doesn’t want an argument, but she is upset.

So WWYD? Mum doesn’t want me to say anything to my sister but I feel like I can’t let this one go. I have also considered gifting Mum a present - spa day perhaps - that financially matches what she would be giving to my kids.

I would be having a frank conversation with your sister how upset your mum was last christmas that she got a box of chocs. All of my mums DGCs have gifted my mum thoughtful presents since they started work.

Even the ones that were students and had part time jobs. Same for me, all my adult nieces and nephews buy me and DD9 a thoughtful present - I don't care about the cost but it means a lot that they think about it and it's not something led by their parents.

Why don’t the working adult children buy their granny / aunty etc gifts ? I realise that you don’t give to receive but when the GC involved are working I don’t understand how they feel they are exempt from the giving part .

21 is the cutoff.
GC get £50 each either in cash or present for Xmas and birthday till they are 21 then it will be a card.

I think you need to have a conversation with your sister around her setting expectations for her kids. She can tell them they have had 10 years more money than your kids are getting, and she can tell the youngest who is concerned his siblings will hate him that as well

You can also tell her that it’s not acceptable to gift all this at Christmas and get a box of chocolates in return, nor is it acceptable to buy for partners

i think this year, if she must continue she doesn’t buy for partners, and your sister then has the conversation with her kids telling them they have dont better than cousins/ youngest siblings. She can also suggest they buy their grandma a present each!

Cut off in my family was 21. This didn’t go down well with my SIL when we told her (so she cut off my DD at 12 in retaliation).
Your sister is behaving outrageously. The absolute cheek of insisting on expensive gifts for the boyfriends/girlfriends of her children. Your DM must immediately stop this nonsense. Pick an age & anyone over that gets nothing.

Keep out of it.
If your mum can afford it then it's not a problem.
I would treat all grandchildren equally.
Set a budget she's happy to give /spend and divide it equally.
I have DC at school ,at uni and at work.The one at work (24) is renting and living independently,he has no money left at the end of the month and would probably appreciate a cash gift now more then ever.

Did you read the bit where mum isnt happy buying the gifts, where mum feels pressured to buy the gifts because when she mentioned she was stopping buying the gifts - the sister raised holy hell so mum said she would carry on buying the gifts she wanted to stop buying, just to keep the peace? where sister is taking the mick, telling her elderly mum to buy gifts for her children's partners? and in return gets mum a miserly box of chocolates as thanks from them all for her spending a thousand pounds each year?

Surely not... because if that was your mum being taken advantage of, you wouldnt keep out of it? Would you?

Thanks everyone. I mean I know I posted in AIBU but I knew I wasn’t. Few mixed views and totally taken it all on board.

I do have to go to sisters at some point soon so will discuss it face to face with her, hopefully at least one of the kids will be there and I do tend to be fairly direct with my points. And it’s a lot better way to gauge exactly where she is with it all. I’m still a little shocked, and the entire situation doesn’t sit right with me. I’m hoping that she might have had some time to reflect by the time I speak to her.

I will also, if she is insisting that she would still like the full cash gifts to continue, that she does too ensure that she reciprocates the exchange of gifts, from all. As others have said, there’s no reason why these working age kids can’t buy a gift for their granny. As a long term compromise, I’m thinking if Mum pops £20 in an envelope for each one moving forward - I’d consider this a token gesture and a compromise.

DP and I had a chat about this too - I had forgotten this but DSS started full time work in September. Since then his Mum hasn’t stepped in with assisting buying presents - usually his mum gave him money to buy his dad’s birthday present, this year he’s done it all by himself. (To be honest usually I just gift the presents I buy from all of us so he’s never ‘needed’ to provide anything extra by way of his own Mum) And this year he has insisted his own granny only buys him a token bag of toiletries for Christmas. If a slightly daft but totally loveable 18 yr old can wrangle his head around this all by himself, then I fail to see why my middle aged sister can’t. I will also be mentioning this to her.

I am usually the one who will resolve an issue in our family - but that’s possibly more because my job involves a lot of problem solving - so I tend to tackle issues without emotion and as calm and reasoned as possible. I always tend to just look at what’s the best way with the least resistance from A to B.

But anyway - thanks all! Hope you all have a lovely Christmas!!!

I think your sister is horrid and very selfish.
What an attitude towards her elderly mother.
You ve done what you can by speaking up in the first place.